There’s an old joke that goes “What does a redneck say before he dies?”
Answer: “Hey, watch this!”
Of course the Darwin Awards are a tribute to some of the most lame-brain ways of dying or suffering major injury on record. Before you think I’m being mean, check out this robbery attempt and the story of the drunk, naked man who tried to attack bears.
We all make mistakes, but usually, they aren’t permanent. By permanent, I mean death, loss of an arm or being sent to the big house for the rest of your life. So unless you want to be the an award winner for something you’ve done horribly wrong, be sure to take in, absorb and memorize the 8 Ways to Avoid Winning The Darwin Awards:
1. Think
Many of the Darwin Award winners never bothered to think through what they were doing. They saw an outcome they wanted and went for it. Thinking is what separates us from animals. We can think ahead and plan what we are going to do. Impulsive actions can be deadly given the wrong circumstance.
2. Plan
Even rudimentary planning has it’s benefits. You see a what you want, maybe it’s attention. Do you stand on top of a painter’s scaffolding? Or do you seek the attention by getting up and performing for an open mic night. Both have the same outcomes (attention) but have far less risk to human life.
3. Delay gratification
Many of the award winners are criminals who just couldn’t wait to get their grubby hands on some cash… that just so happened to be stored at the police station or in the back of a squad car. Crooks have no patience. What they want is what they try to get with no delays — often for our amusement.
4. Learn How Gravity is not forgiving
There are certain laws to the universe. One is gravity pulls us downward, no matter whether we are standing on the ground or sitting on a lawn chair suspended by weather balloons. Explosives explode. Gasoline burns. Elephants weigh a lot. Trying to violate these laws will result in some embarrassing injuries if not death.
5. Avoid drunkenness
It should go without saying that drinking alcohol or using illicit drugs can impair your judgement. But alcohol plays a role in many of the Award winner’s situations. Drinking one or two, might be ok, but getting drunk in public, with an unmanned jackhammer nearby is a recipe for disaster.
6. Observe warning labels
Have you ever seen a warning label that seemed so ridiculous it was funny? Like a warning on a blanket that says “Will not protect you from tornados”. Or like Jess points out a curling iron that says “Caution, this product can burn eyes.” or the hilarious Danger: Avoid Death sign.
Why warn you of the obvious? Because some poor schlep did what they are warning against!
If it looks too dangerous it probably is
7. Stay Away from Large Ferocious Animals
Now this might be tricky for some, but there’s a big difference between a Labrador puppy and a Bengal Tiger. I know, I know, the differences are subtle. But one, will rip your arms off and then get mad at you for not dying fast enough. The other will lick you with a smelly, but otherwise harmless tongue.
However, it appears some people confuse the two animals. If this sounds like you, take a class or something.
8. Leave some things to the Pros
I’ve tuned in to the Darwin Awards for years now and each year there is someone who tried setting off professional fireworks while suspended above them. hmm.. Who thinks up this stuff?
There’s a reason for professional fireworks, they are dangerous. The same could be said about tightrope walking and building your own flamethrower. Unless you’ve worked years to develop an extraordinary skill in these areas, leave the real work to the pros.