Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week! 
For the last several years my son has been hanging out with a boy in the neighborhood that is 2 years older than he is. They have always just played basketball, ridden 4 wheelers and participated in sports together. My son is now 14 and is in the 7th grade and the boy he hangs out with is 16 and in the 10th grade. His friend just got his driver's license and my son wants to ride in the car with him. Although they are only 2 years apart in age, they are 3 years apart in grade. He can't understand why his Dad and I won't let him ride in the car with his friend and why we don't think it is appropriate for him to be in 10th grade social activities. They are both good kids who do not get into any trouble which makes it more difficult to explain to him why he can't do this. Any suggestions?
--Elizabeth
I can see your dilemma and understand your concern about your son driving in a car with an inexperienced driver. I can also see why your son is having a tough time buying into your decision. The problem is he’s a good kid and he’s been friends with this boy for while, and they’re never in trouble. (Everyone should have such problems eh?) The boys have shared a lot of memories and interests together. So telling your son he can’t hang around with this kid now—after all this time together—is going to be a hard sale. Their “two year” age difference isn’t going to fly with your kid.
But you still have big time grounds as to why you should not let your son drive in the car with his friend who just got his driver’s license. Here’s your argument, Mom:
This year the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia revealed disturbing study results after analyzing hundreds of data on kids and driving:
- Car crashes are the leading cause of death for tweens and teens.
- Nearly 10,000 youths have died as passengers in car crashes. Of those crashes, 54% were riding with a teen driver.
- The most dangerous driving circumstances for youth are driving with inexperienced, than-a-year-male drivers on high-speed roads.
- Most crashes happen from 6am to 10pm.
“Safety” (and your child’s life) is the reason you Do NOT let your son drive with his friend—or any other kid who has less than a year’s driving experience. Make that your basic house rule regardless of who the other driver is and stick to the safety rule.
I predict the three-year grade spread difference is going to pull these two kids apart over the next year. But meanwhile use the summer as an opportunity to look for avenues that will help your son find other friends. A camp? Another sport? Inviting other kids over?
One hint: Teens find friends based on the “similarity principle” (the other kid shares the same interests and values, which is probably why your son is so attracted to his older friend). The trick is to figure out your son’s natural passions and interests and find kids (or activities) who are similar.
Meanwhile, stick to your guns. Don’t let your son get in the car with a new driver. California (where I live) passed a law that a new licensed driver may not have a passenger who is not related to him for several months.
I’ll add a personal note to this: Over the past years I’ve had five friends living in different parts of the country lose their incredible, loving, good and glorious sons to driving accidents. No parent should have to endure such a loss.