Earlier this week I read a blog post Building Self Esteem by personal development blogger Alex Shalman. I've followed Alex for a while, taking part in his happiness project about 18 months ago.
Alex has just started dental school – good luck to him as dentistry is a total turnoff to me! But he was reflecting on a class where his tutor defined self esteem as:-
…it’s a feeling that you are a valuable human being by possessing a quality that makes you such. This could be for a number of reasons, including but not exclusive to, having a skill, talent, job, relationship, helping people, being attractive, etc.
Do we have to possess some quality to make us valuable? If someone spends all day at home watching TV, with no interaction with others, does that mean they have no value? And by this definition, low self esteem?
If you do a search on Twitter for "self esteem", the main attributing reason people describe their self esteem as low is through how they look. Unfortunately many deem themselves unattractive – thats why the Dove video looking at image manipulation was so effective.
But whether we agree with it or not "being attractive" is a measure people use to feel good (or not) about themselves. Likewise the other reasons listed in the definition are things people commonly draw on to feel they are worthy.
Other Definitions of Self Esteem
There are many definitions of self esteem. Nathaniel Brandon, one of the leading writers on self esteem says:-
"the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the challenges of life and as deserving of happiness"
The California Task Force on Self Esteem came up with this definition:-
"Appreciating my own worth and importance and having the character to be accountable for myself and to act responsibly towards others."
English Oxford Dictionary is briefer
"a favourable appreciation or opinion of oneself."
I feel these also somewhat miss the point. To me what is fundamental is that we accept ourselves unconditionally. Our self worth should not be dependent on superb looks, great achievement or being highly skilled. The opinions of others about us – whether critical or praising – should not affect our self esteem.
So my favourite definition of self esteem is:-
"unconditional appreciation of oneself."
This helps us stop being dependent on the judgement of others. Unconditional appreciation involves accepting ourselves as we are – "warts and all" as the saying goes. We all have amazing abilities and potential as human beings. We overlook the fact we have the capacity to think in complex ways – compared with other species. But rather than think we just worry about the appearance of a small spot on or other trivia!
The problem is, most people don't see self esteem this way. The definition at the start of this post is probably closer to how most people measure themselves.
Why are you Worth Feeding?
What origionally got my attention was this question posed by Alex's tutor to try and find your "qualities". In a sense, this is a natural progression from his definition. To feel good about ourselves, we must have contributed in some way. Done something, have something, said something.
In a way this question reinforces the flaw of looking at self esteem in this way. Because for some it would be very easy to come up with no good reason to be worth feeding. I have written before on the link between self esteem and depression – I've heard it argued that persistent low self esteem is little different to clinical depression.
What do you think? If my favoured definition unrealistic, do people automatically measure themselves by their qualities? And should our aim be to ensure we are worth feeding, rather than change our thinking to unconditional appreciation?
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译文:
自尊的定义
本周早些时候我读到一篇博客《建立自尊》，作者是专注于个人发展的亚历克斯.沙勒曼。我曾经追随他一段时间，十八个月前参加了他关于快乐的研究项目。
亚历克斯刚刚建立牙科学院，这对他来说是幸运的，但牙科医学却令我厌恶。他讲述了在一堂课上他的导师对自尊下的定义：
因为拥有某种特质而觉得自我是个有价值的人。有很多理由让人拥有自尊，包括掌握了一门技术，有才能，工作，或是人际关系，乐于助人，富有吸引力，等等。但每个理由都不是使人拥有自尊的唯一理由。
是不是我们必须拥有一些特质，才能感觉自我有价值？如果有的人整天在家看电视，不与他人接触，是不是他们就没有自我价值，或是根据这个定义就是低自尊的人呢？
如果在推特上对“自尊”进行搜索，就会发现人们认为自己拥有较低自尊的最主要原因是容貌不美。遗憾的是很多人都认为自己缺乏魅力。由此不难想见为什么处理图像的鸽视频非常有效。
不论我们同意与否，吸引力可以用来衡量一个人是否对自己有良好感觉。同样，根据这个定义被列为拥有自尊的理由都是人们普遍认为能使人有自我价值感的特质。.
自尊的其它定义
自尊还有许多其它定义。纳撒尼尔. 布兰登,一个以自尊为写作主题的重要作家，将其定义为：
“乐于迎接生活的挑战，有能力赢得挑战，取得幸福。”
加利福尼亚特遣部队对于自尊做了以下定义：
“了解自己的价值和重要性，对自己和他人负责。”
英国牛津词典的定义比较简短：
“对自我正面的理解和观点。”
我觉得这些都没有说到重点上。我觉得最基本的是我们是否无条件的接受自我。我们的自我价值不应该由很美的容貌，巨大的成就或是高超的技能决定。别人对我们的看法-不论是批评的还是赞扬的-都无法影响我们的自尊。
所以我最赞同的定义是：
“无条件的悦纳自我。”
这个定义让我们不再依赖于别人对我们的评价。无条件的悦纳自我意味着接受自己本真的样子-正如谚语所说“接受所有的，包括瑕疵。”作为人类，我们都有惊人的能力和潜力。但我们忽略了这样一个事实，那就是比起其他动物来，我们能够以更复杂的方式思考。但我们并不是在思考，只不过是为外表上的一个小污点或是其他的琐碎小事而担忧。
问题是，大多数人都没有以这种方式看待自尊。在这篇文章开始提到的定义也许更接近大多数人衡量自尊的标准。
你有存在的价值吗？
最初吸引我注意力的是亚历克斯的导师提出来的那个问题，它试图找出与自尊相联系的特质。在某种意义上,他的定义是一个进步。为使对自己感觉良好,我们必须以某种方式对社会有利，不论是做了什么，拥有什么，或是说过什么。
从某种意义上讲,这个问题加强了以此种方式看待自尊的缺陷。因为对某些人,它会很容易使他们想出证明自己存在价值的不正当理由。我之前已经写过自尊和抑郁之间的联系 ,有人争论说持续性低自尊不同于临床上的抑郁症。
你怎么认为呢？如果我赞同的这个定义不符合事实，人们是否会下意识的用自身条件来衡量自我？难道我们的目标只是为了证实自我存在有价值，而不是无条件的接纳自我？ 
