若你轻柔，温和的对我触摸；
若你看着我，对我微笑；
若你再说花前偶尔先听我说话；
那么，我会长大，真正的长大。
---九岁时的布莱德雷（Bradley）
每个人都需求他人触摸和理解，每个人也都渴望在她有生之年有时间做事。这种生物和心理的需求，心理学家柏恩称之为：“饥渴”（hungers）。
渴望接受触摸和赞赏的欲望可以由抚爱（strokes）得到满足。抚爱是一种了解别人的举动。它以确实的肢体接触的形式，或者利用了解的象征方式——如一个眼神、一句话、一个姿态或一种行为表示着：“我懂得你的感受”。
一个人渴望别人抚爱的程度决定他利用时间的方式。例如他也许花费几分钟、几个钟头或者一生的时间，用尽各种方式，包括玩心理游戏，想得到抚爱。他也可能花费几分钟、几个钟头或者一生的时间，利用退却反应逃避别人的抚爱。
抚爱的饥渴
婴儿必须接受外人的触摸方能自然成长。这种需求通常可由父母替他换尿布、喂东西、扑粉、抚爱和拥吻中得到满足。触摸中包含某种成分，自己婴儿体内某种化学物质，促进生理和智慧的发展。婴儿若被忽视、冷落或肢体不曾接受足够的出没，则将遭受精神上及肢体上的损伤，甚至导致死亡。
新生儿出生后若没有接受正常触摸，年幼的孩子若被安置在严禁的地方，孩子若在“不打不成器”的理论下被养育着，他们失去接受触摸的机会，这和严重的营养不良一样有损成长。
沟通分析中，有一种说法是：“如果婴儿不被抚爱，背髓也将萎缩。”下面节录的一份资料，戏剧化地说明触摸的重要。
实例说明：苏珊的爸爸把他留在一所大规模的儿童医院时，她才只有二十二个月大。那时他只有十五磅重（相当于五个月大的婴儿平均重量）、二十八尺高（十个月大的平均身高）。他几乎未发展任何运动技能——不会爬，不会说话甚至不会牙语。如果有人接近她，她会哭着往后缩。
一直没有人来看望苏珊，三周之后一位社会工作人员就去拜访了她的母亲。苏珊的父母都受过中等以上教育，但这个母亲抱怨：“我不要用任何借口来掩饰，我就是不喜欢她。”她说苏珊不喜欢被人抱着，她喜欢独个儿呆在哪里。她说她已经不愿意抚爱苏珊了。至于照顾的事，她承认她一点儿也不想做。对于苏珊精神上和生理上极度的迟滞，检查不出任何生理原因，最后的诊断是：“剥夺母爱之并发症状。”
医院请来一位自愿代替苏珊母亲的妇女，有她给予苏珊爱心和照顾。一天六个小时，一星期五天。医院人员也都多注意苏珊，多关怀她。抱着她、摇她、喂她、和她玩以及让他充分接受抚爱。
两个月后，虽然她仍然明显的表现迟滞，但高度发展了感情地反应。她重了六磅，长高了二尺。她的运动能力大为增进——扶着地时，已经能爬、能走。她也可以和略微陌生的人交往而不再害怕。温柔关切的照顾明显的影响了苏珊。
孩子长大些时，需求触摸的早期基本欲望改变形式——成为对赞赏的需求。最后，一个微笑、点个头、一句话、一颦眉、一个姿态都能取代原先某些抚爱。赞赏就像抚爱一样，不论是正面反面的都刺激大脑，证实自己的目前状态。赞赏的抚爱也防止以个人的精神系统陷入于“萎缩”。
有些人需要大量的赞赏来维持安全感。在任何地方，这种饥渴都强烈的存在着——在家、在学校。甚至在工作的长河。例如——某个工业环境中，有个管理人抱怨其中一位实验室里的工作人员，因为他花费太多时间在饮水机旁，丢下自己的工作不管，忙着找人说话。这位管理人后来接受沟通分析的训练，实地应用起来。他常到实验室里和他友善的谈谈话。这个办法立刻有显著效果。管理人后来发现，人类需求赞赏的各种欲望充斥任何角落。一个成功的主管成能恰当地安抚别人，赞赏别人。
因为人有获取抚爱的本能，不管正面的还是负面的，我们必须证明我们的存在，这是一种基于安全感的生存本能啊，很多人际沟通的障碍，孤僻，亲密关系障碍跟获取抚爱的方法和方式有关。比如一个不善于表达爱的人可能从小他就没有学会怎么爱，也许没有人教过他爱是什么样的方式，也许在他的童年可能他从未有过这样的体验和受鼓励的体验，爱对他来讲就是不用表达或不懂表达，漠视也就此产生！漠视自己的能力，漠视他人的感觉，漠视环境。他们往往有着一个不善于沟通和鼓励的父母，他通过他看到的感觉到的来理解爱。
我有个下属是单亲家庭，因为从小确少母爱从小就独立，在她的字典里要现实要坚强就是真理，长大后你会发现因为母性部分的很多沟通功能没有学会，沟通起来的时候就硬邦邦的，汇报一个本是正常的工作时，语言内容是成人，口气却是严父，难免让人很不舒服。但自己却无法自知，这时候出现一些工作和亲密关系上的障碍就不奇怪了。沟通的主动权在对方手上，不自知话会不断的碰到这样的问题。喜欢独处的人往往也是抚爱缺失者。
这种这是一种自动化的应对模式，一部写好的人生脚本！通过所谓性格表现出来。
它叫缺爱！
因为缺爱而不懂爱！
这种人很多！我曾经是其中一个！
译文:
Missing Love
Like you ,touch me softly, watch me with a sweet smile
Like you ,listen to me before you say something
Then, one day I will grow up to be a real man
――9 year old Bradley
Everyone is eager for touching and understanding, for having time to spend his life fully ,this is the physical and physiological need called hungers by the psychologist Berne.
The eager for touching and appreciation can be satisfied by the strokes. Strokes is a way to understand the behavior of others. In a connection of body language or a signal of understanding, such as a eye contact , a word ,a post or an action, they want to imply: I can feel as you feel.
The way of a man to make use of the time is decided by the degree of the eager for strokes. For example he may spend several minutes, several hours or even all life to get the strokes in all kinds of manners including psychological games. Otherwise, all he could do is to escape as a response to the strokes from others.
The eager for strokes
The baby can only be grow up naturally when he gets enough touch from others. This is always b satisfied through diapering, feeding, catapasm, strokes and hug by parents. In strokes, there are several substance, one of them is a chemical from the body of the baby which can promote the physical and mental development. If the baby was ignored or without enough strokes and caring ,he would suffer from the mental damage as well as the unhealthy body ,even lead to death.
The situations can be as serious as the malnutrition that danger the growth of the babies when they did not get natural touch after born ,or raised up with limitation freedom and taught under the theory that only the stick can lead to success ,for they have been deprived of a great number of opportunities of touching.
When it come to the communication there is a saying that if a baby grows up without touch ,even his spinal marrow would shrink. The following story can justified the significance of the touch.
When Susan was twenty two month she was left by her father in a big scale children hospital with 15 pound of the weight and 28 feet high(the weight of her only equivalent to a five month baby and the tall to a ten month baby ).Besides, she never developed any skills like crawl, speak or baby works ,and when some one approach her ,her would cry heavily and backward.
For a long time no one paid a visit to her ,so after three weeks the social work visited her mother. Though Susan’s parent has a high education background ,her mother compliant directly that her just didn’t like her ,for Susan did not want to be touched and like to stay alone. So , she was not will to take care of Susan anymore and admit that she had given up to look after Susan. Since there are no physiological reasons can account for the extremely slow response in her mental and physical development ,the only explain was that the complication caused by the missing maternal love .
For this ,the hospital found a woman who was willing to take care of Susan and gave her the feeling of be loved and cared. When the woman did this special job six hours a day and five days a week ,the other people work in hospital paid more attention to Susan as well, spending the time hugging her, shaking her, feeding her and playing with her which made her could obtain adequate strokes.
Two months later, the response of Susan still a little slow ,though ,her emotional development had achieved a lot. Her weight increased six pound and height two feet. And the biggest progress was her exercise capability that he could crawl ,work with the aid of floor. Besides ,she could communicate with the strange without afraid. All this attributed to the care she got from others.
When we grow up ,the eager for the touch would change into another form ——the eager for the appreciation. For this, the previous strokes can be replaced by a smile , a nod , a word , a frown or a posture. Just like the strokes ,the appreciation ,positive or negative , both can simulate the emotion to make you recognize the current situation of yourself. So , the appreciation as a strokes can prevent your sprite from shrinking.
Some people may need multiple appreciation to maintain the sense of safety and this can be everywhere ,at home ,at school ,even along with your jobs. For example , once in a industrial environment ,a manager complaint that one of his lab worker spent too much time on the drinking machine taking with others while paid no attention to his work. However, when this managed had a train of the communication analysis ,he changed his work pattern by applying the theory into his work. So , he spent more time taking with the lab work with a friendly tone. And the effect of this work was obvious that he came to the conclusion that the eager for the appreciation was needed by everyone no matter where he was. Therefore , if you want to be a successful manager ,you should know how to and when to conciliate and appreciate your works.
This is the instinct for keep safe when we are eager for the strokes ,positive or negative to prove our existence. And the ways of obtaining the strokes have some things to do with the obstacles in communication, the unsocial personality and the intimacy with others. If a person do not know how to express love it may because that when he was young he never had the chance to learn how to love ,or may no one taught him what is love and how to show it, or may never had such experience that was loving or being encouraged in his childhood. In the end , he took the ignorance for granted since love for him is something that did not need to be expressed or learn to express. So, he turned out be a person who ignore his own capability ,ohters’ feeling and the surrounding. And they are always bad at communication with parents and give the encourage to the parents, as love is concerned , they understand it with their own feeling from what they see.
One of my follower is from a single family. She was quite independent when she was young for the lack of maternal love ,so in her view the only truth is to be realistic and strong. In this case , she is not good at communication since part of the function of communication can only be learn from the motherhood. When she reported to me the tone sounded like a strict father and made me feel unconformable. However ,she self never realized this and which can easily lead to an obstacle in the workship and friendship. The controlling party of the communication is your counterpart ,the more you realize it ,the easier your communication will be. Most people who like to be alone is a kind of person who lack of the strokes.
Actually ,this is a auto pattern of the response to the outside and the doomed footnote to your life book, which can be embodied by the so called characteristics.
It is just missing love.
For missing love you would never know what love is.
There are so many people who may be this kind ,for a long time ,I was one of them.