Photo by Nexus
Some of us lack a couple of gears; it’s either full power ahead or nothing. Do you suffer from that? I do. My All or Nothing mode was forged a long ago. I come from a family of high achievers and my mother’s way of responding to achievement was — well, see for yourself. Here is an interchange that happened when I was about 11 years old:
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I bounced home from school after Sports Day, “Mummy, Mummy - I got second place in the 100 metre sprints today!!”
My mother looked at me in concern, “Second place? Oh, what went wrong?”
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You get the picture? No wonder I’m an All or Nothing girl!
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I’ve tried hard not to pass it on to my son. But it must have leaked out somehow. I gave a wry smile when I heard Sebastian say recently, after I suggested taking up kite-surfing: “No. I’m not going to take up a new sport. I haven’t got time to devote to a new one. And I’m not interested in being mediocre at things.”
Oh dear. All or Nothing - here we come!
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I’ve been trying to modify my All or Nothing pattern recently. With mixed success. I’ll give you an example: I’m focussing on becoming fitter and more flexible in the next 8 weeks. For starters I’m trying an experiment to see what happens to my body if I go to a yoga class each day for 4 weeks. (That’s maybe in the ALL basket??) Today I also resumed some uphill running for cardio-vascular fitness. Instead of jogging right to the top of a hill nearby, I decided to just run to the first bend and then add a bend each day until I get to the top easily. (Maybe that’s a bit more modulated?).
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All or Nothing is a mode that creates perfectionists. It has a bad rap. Here is an example from a delightful blog by singer/writer Christine Kane
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All or Nothing thinking says, “You either do this perfectly, or you don’t even bother.” It’s one of the biggest blocks to making positive changes in your life. It’s one of the biggest blocks to making your life work at all.
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But is it really all bad?
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Let’s take a look at the Pro’s and Con’s of the All or Nothing mindset:
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Pro’s:
- You tend to achieve more in life
- You end up highly skilled in variety of areas
- You are able to focus on one thing and go for it it
- You have high expectations of yourself
- You can turn it on in emergencies for extra power and stamina
- You never suffer from boredom
Con’s
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- You tend to be a bit highly strung
- To kick back and relax is difficult
- You tend to overuse your body
- You’re still trying to please your parents (even if they’re dead)
- You find it difficult to just do things for fun without wanting to achieve excellence
- You are hard on yourself
- It adds grittiness to one’s character (which isn’t always pleasant)
- It can paralyse you (”…if I can’t do it perfectly, I’m not even going to try.”)
- Nothing is ever good enough
- It can sabotage effort
As you can see there are both pros and cons.
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When the mind is in All or Nothing mode, it sees the world in black and white. In order to modify this mindset, we need to train ourselves to focus softly on the inbetween shades. For example, in my yoga practice I have to respond to tiny inflexions of balance, tension, and relaxation. In class today we were standing in Mountain pose and I could feel exactly on which part of the soles my weight was resting. That’s taking note of shades and inflexions.
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We could try something together. We could focus for one week on what is betwixt and between: the fading light in the evening, the turning of the tide, the shift between sleeping and waking, or the many other moments when soft change occurs. Maybe we could share our experiences of this in the comments. I would enjoy that.
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There is something more I want to add. Take a look at the two beautiful images in this post. They are by my favourite photographer, Manuel Alfonso Arpa. The leaves captured in the photos are perfect. Just as the blue sky is perfect and the raindrops are perfect and Sweetie the cat is perfect.
To be perfect, means to be complete.
When I look at Sweetie - all curled up and purring at my side - that’s complete Sweetieness. And I, sitting on the sofa writing, am complete Maryness. Each thing is complete and that completeness has its own unique beauty.
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We need to remember - especially us All or Nothing people - that our stumbles and shambles are also complete.
Each step, each breath, each action is complete.
When we remember that, we can transform this mindset into an energy that encourages us to learn and develop in life - and yet accept our inevitable failures with good cheer and kindness.
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Copyright: Mary Jaksch 2008
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译文:
事事苛求完美？想有所改变吗？来看看吧。
我们中的一些人如汽车一样少了一些排档数：要么整个人被调整到最大功率，要么一动不动。你正遭遇这种情况嘛？我遭遇过。我这种凡事都爱苛求完美的做事方式是很早以前就养成了的习惯。我的父母都是卓有成就的人。我母亲对成就的反应是这样的，嗯，你亲自来看看吧。在我十一岁的时候，我和我母亲有过这样一次谈话。
那一次，我参加完运动会，从学校蹦蹦跳跳地冲回家，欢快/欢欣地说道：“妈妈，妈妈，今天我在100米短跑中得了第二名。”
我母亲关切地看着我，问道：“第二名？啊，出什么问题了吗？”
你知道是怎么一回事了嘛？这也就难怪我成了一个凡事都爱苛求完美的人。
.知 噢，亲爱的，我们来看看“苛求完美”。
我力图不把这个习惯传给我的儿子。但不知怎么的还是没做到。最近，我建议儿子塞巴斯蒂安试试玩风筝冲浪，他却说：不。我没打算尝试其他的新运动。我没有时间来玩新的运动。我不喜欢做事像个半吊子。
. 最近，我一直努力想改改我这种凡事都爱苛求完美的习惯。成败参半的我，在此举一个例子：在未来的八个星期里，我想集中注意力变得更健康，更灵活。
首先，我想做一个实验：我想看看如果我连续四周每天都去上一节瑜伽课，我的身体会有什么变化呢？（这样做或许真的是孤注一掷？）今天，我又重新开始跑步上山以维持心血管的健康。我没有直接跑上附近山坡的山顶上，我打算每天先跑到第一个转弯处，然后再跑下一个转弯处，直到我轻松地到达山顶。（或许那样会更缓和一些？）
“事事苛求完美”是创造完美主义者的一种模式。但它口碑却不好。这里有一个例子，援引自著名歌手及作家克里斯蒂娜·凯恩的一篇令人愉悦的博客文章。
凡事喜欢苛求完美的思维是这样的：“要做就做最好，否则碰都别碰。”这对你生命积极的改变来说是最大的障碍，也完全是让你生活不能正常进行的最大阻碍。
但是它真的只有坏处嘛？
让我们一起看看这种心态的好与坏：
优点
： · 你的生命里会有更多成就。
·你在许多领域都会很出色。
·你能专注于一件事并且大胆尝试。
·你对自己有很高的期望。
·在你需要额外精力和毅力的紧急情况下，它能派上用场。
· 你永远都不会觉得无聊。
缺点：
· 你往往非常神经质。
·你若想放松一下，会很难。
·你往往会过度使用自己的身体。
·你仍然努力取悦你的父母（即使他们已经不在世了。）
·你发觉如果没有想取得成就的欲望，就很难仅仅为了高兴而做事。
·你对自己很苛刻。
·“事事苛求完美”赋予你勇敢（但这种状态往往不能令人感到愉快）。
·它会让你变得麻木。（“如果我不能做到完美，我就不会尝试“）
·它让任何事都显得不够完美。
·它可能挫败士气。
这里，你可以看到这种心态的好处和坏处。
当我们怀有这种心态的时候，我们看到的世界是黑白色的。为了改改这种心态，我们需要进行这样的自我训练：让自己注意处于中间的色调。比如说，在练习瑜伽的时候，我必须对平衡、绷紧和放松之类的变化做出反应。在今天的课上，我们练习的山式（瑜伽的基本站立姿势之一），我能精确地感知到我的体重集中在脚底的哪一点。这样做就是留意变化的色调和细微的变化。
我们应该一起尝试些事情。我们可以一周时间把注意力放到一些不好不坏的事情上来：傍晚渐渐退隐的日光，张涨落落的潮汐，沉睡与苏醒的交替，或者是任何有温和变化发生的时刻。或许，我们在评论能分享类似这样的经历。我会非常开心的。
在这里，我还想加点东西。看看在这篇帖子里面那两幅漂亮的贴图。它们出自我最喜欢的摄影大师曼纽尔·阿方索·阿尔帕之手。图画里面的枫叶很完美，像蓝蓝的天空、柔柔的雨点、乖乖的猫咪一样完美。
追求完美等于追求完整
当我看到可爱的猫咪们蜷曲到一起，发出咕噜声的时候，这就是完完全全的乖乖猫咪。当我坐在沙发上写作的时候，我就是完完整整的玛丽。任何事物都是完整的，并且每种完整有其与众不同的美。
我们，尤其是那些事事喜欢苛求完美的人需要记住我们遇到的坎坎坷坷也是完整的。
每一个步伐，每一次呼吸，每一个动作都是完整的。
记住这一点，我们便能将这种心态转化成一种在生活里鼓励我们学习和前进的动力，并欣然接受不可避免的挫折和失败。