Question:
I've been divorced 5 years, and in that time my daughters have never liked any of the girls I've dated. I have been dating my current girlfriend for a year, and we are getting serious, but they still won't accept her. Sometimes they are actually rude to her.
She is hesitant to take it to the "next level" because of my daughters. What can I say to them to make them understand without them thinking that I'm putting her above them?
Answer:
Note - I'm going to answer a slightly different question, "How do I get my step-son (or daughter) to like me?", because it's a little more general use to my readers, and the solution is the same in both cases.
Introduction - Connections As The Basis Of Relationships
Relationships are all about connections... your connections to other people. This is true regardless of your age, whether you're an infant or approaching your 100th birthday.
These connections are in a constant state of change, growing stronger and weaker from day to day, and sometimes from hour to hour. In general, however, these changes are within a certain range... a little bit up here, a little bit down there, but all fairly consistent.
As time goes by, and these connections exist for a longer time, we start to rely on them, even to the point of basing our perception of how the world is on them. The longer they are around, the more "that's the way the world is" they become.
The Problem - Your Step-Son (Or Daughter) Blames You
So what happens when you introduce a new person into the mix and there is a sudden, and drastic change in those connections? It feels like your whole world has come unanchored, spinning around with no sense of up or down... everything is in flux.
That's not a comfortable state to be in regardless of whether you're a child or an adult. It's very hard to quickly and easily accept this new person, and very easy to blame them and resent them for any disruption in your life, particularly anything bad.
Most of this happens at a subconscious level, however, and the people affected may not even know why they feel the way they do... they just know that they don't like the "intruder" who caused all this chaos.
The Solution - How To Connect (And Get Them To Like You)
When you do know why, however (as you do now), it provides you with the opportunity to consciously work to make it better. Happily, it's actually actually even pretty easy to do, though not necessarily quick.
You can get started by establishing new patterns, new traditions, that involve all of you such as having a picnic every Sunday or eating dinner out each Friday as a family. This allows you to establish new connections in the context of ones they already know, and also to start building shared experiences, which are key components of your connections to other people.
Once you have those connections established in regards to the whole family, you can work on building your own unique connection, one that is just between the two of you. You do this, again, by building shared experiences... go somewhere together, just the two of you, and do something you both like, particularly if it's something new to one or both of you.
Conclusion
The strength of your connection with someone is very strongly related to your shared experiences, and then with shared interests. Shared interests are hard to improve, other than by being open... it's quite difficult to make yourself truly interested in something if you aren't that way from the beginning, except by being open to seeing it from a different angle where there might be something that is of interest to you.
Shared experiences, on the other hand, are very easy to build up... just do things together, and be focused on the moment while you're doing them. That last part is important... if you are thinking about what you are going to do afterward, or making a mental to-do list, then you'll lose the majority of the benefit, and sometimes even turn it into a net negative. So just relax, and enjoy your time together, getting to know each other and building a deeper connection.
PS - If you are in a situation similar to the actual reader who sent the question, all you have to do is apply this to your girlfriend (or boyfriend)... start doing things all together, and then encourage them to do things individually with your children, once the relationship seems comfortable enough.
译文:
如何让你的继子（或继女）喜欢你——读者的提问
提问：
我离婚已经有5个年头了，但在此期间我的女儿们对我约会的女士们都不太喜欢。我和我现在的女友在一起已经有一年了，我们对我们的关系也越来越认真，但她们似乎还是不肯接受她。有时甚至对她有些粗鲁。
因为我女儿们的关系，我的女友正在犹豫是否要进一步发展我们之间的关系。我该怎么对我的女儿们说才能让她们明白，并且不要认为我要把我的女友强加给她们呢？
回答：
注——我也许要回答你一个似乎不太一样的问题，即“我怎么样才能让我的继子（或继女）喜欢我呢？”，因为这个似乎使用范围更广，解决方法却是两种情况同时适用
概述——联系是人与人关系的基础
人与人之间的关系都关乎于联系，即你与他人的各种联系。这与你的年龄无关，无论你是个初生的婴儿，还是个即将不如百岁之列的老人。
这些联系都是处在一个一直变化的状态中的，日子一天天过去，这种联系要么越来越紧密，要么越来越疏远，有时这种联系的紧密程度甚至以小时为单位在改变着。总体来说，这些变化都是在一定范围之内的，要是这里的联系近点儿了，那么那里 就会远点儿，但都是相当对应的。
随着时间等到流逝，这些联系存在的时间更长了，我们开始依赖于这些联系，甚至在某种程度上，连对整个世界的看法都基于这种联系之上了。这种连续存在的时间越长，“世界就该如此”的观念也就变得越强了。
麻烦——你的继子（或继女）责怪你
当你把一个新成员介绍给一群早已融合在一起的人时，这种联系就会有一种突然并且巨大的变化，这时会发生什么呢？似乎你的整个生活开始飘忽不定，到处起伏，一切都乱了。
不管你是个孩子抑或是个成年人，处于这样的境况都不好受。要很快并且平和地接受这个新成员很难，反之责怪他们，或者因为他们打搅了你的生活而对他们感到反感不满却很日然而然，尤其是对于那些不好的事情。
很多情况下，这些都是在无意间发生的，那些受到影响的人甚至都不知道他们为什么会这么做。他们只知道他们不喜欢这个“入侵者”，这个引起一切骚乱的家伙。
解决方法——如何与他人联系（并让他们喜欢你）
当你知道了其中的原因，你就有了有意识的把情况变得更好的机会。高兴的是，虽然这不能很快办到，但是却很容易办到，千真万确！
你可以通过建立一种新的模式，或者一种新的习惯，使得你自己参与其中——比如每星期天出去野餐，或者象一家人似的每星期五一起出去吃晚饭，来开始你的行动。这会让你和他们早已熟知的人建立新的关系，同时建立起共享经历，这些都是你与他人建立关系的关键组成部分。
一旦你建立起了与整个家庭都有关的联系，那么你就可以开始建立专属于你自己的联系了，一个二人世界的关系。同样的，你通过建立共享关系做到这一点，例如一起出去，就你们两个人，作些两个人都喜欢的事情，尤其是那些对你或你们来说很新奇的事情。
总结
你和他人的联系程度与你们的共享经历息息相关，其次是与你们的共同兴趣有关。要培养两个人共同的兴趣比较难，除非你很开放——要让自己真正对那些你从以开始就不喜欢的东西产生兴趣真的很难，除非你足够开放，能够从一个截然不同的角度来看待它，而在这个角度看来，那件事似乎会让你产生点兴趣。
其实共享的经历很容易建立，只要一起作些事情，并且在你们一起做这件事时全身关注就可以了。最后一点很重要——要是你正在想之后该怎么做，或者在你的大脑里列个“该怎么做”的单子的话，那么你将失去你大部分的既得利益，有时甚至背道而驰。所以说，你只要放轻松，享受你们在一起的时光，了解彼此，建立起更深层次的关系就可以了。
注意：要是你和提出这个问题的读者有类似的境况的话，那么你就所需做的一切就是把这篇文章中所说的方法应用到你的女友（或男友）身上——开始一起作些什么，并且在一旦她/他与你的孩子们之间的关系有所缓和时，鼓励她/他单独与你的孩子在一起作些什么吧。