Q: My 4 year old has started to say, "I hate you," to his brother and to me. He acts proud when he says it, as if he has power over me. Should I just overlook it?
A: Heaven protect us from the bright 4 year old who has learned the power of words!
This is a very common and very normal scenario. Let's see if we can figure out what's happening here. Your little guy has learned an exciting new way to push your buttons, this time by merely saying three little words. It's likely at this age he doesn't know what "I hate you" even means. What he does know is that you think it's a bad thing to say and, when he does say it, people respond in a very lively way. Sure, it's not a positive response, but that's beside the point, because the ability to generate any intense response gives you some power over your little world.
Think about it. The
world of a 4 year old is generally one of powerlessness. You have to eat what your parents feed you and sleep when they dictate. They choose if you go to school or stay home. They pick your clothes. You're dependent on them to explain to you how the mystifying world works. There is very little over which you feel you have much control.
Then you find some simple words that confer onto you a power that is as irresistible as it is rare, and therein lies the fun. Of course your son doesn't really "hate" you. If you responded the same way if he said, "You're a potato," then that's what he'd be saying when he became frustrated. By the way, it's the same story when children begin to use swear words. It's the response they're looking for -- they have no real idea what the words mean.
Fortunately, it's a habit easily broken by simple ignoring. If no one moves a hair whenever he says,"I hate you," -- no response, no acknowledgment, no anger, no time-out, no laughter, no nothing, as if he hadn't said anything at all -- the fun's over and soon he'll stop saying it.
Of course, then he'll look for other creative ways to gain a measure of control over his world, so be prepared for what he comes up with next!
Tools to Try: Technorati Tags: pediatrics, FAQ, ask the pediatrician, 4-year olds, child development, talking back
译文:
谁来帮帮我！我的孩子恨我！
Q：我4岁的儿子开始对我和他的哥哥说 “我恨你”了，并且是非常自豪地说，好像他的权力超过了我。我应该忽视这个问题吗？
A：好在老天没让我碰上这个4岁就懂得文字的力量的聪明小鬼！
其实这是一件非常普遍且正常的事情。让我看看我是否能弄明白这到底是怎么回事。你的小淘气这次学会了一招激怒你的方法，那就是仅仅是对你说三个字。处在这个年龄阶段的小孩，他很有可能甚至不知道“我恨你”是什么意思。他所知道的是说这句话是不好的，如果他这样说了，人们就会以一种比较激烈的方式回应。当然，这不是一个肯定回答，但这无关紧要，因为这种产生强烈回应的能力会带给你某种能掌控你小小世界的力量。
我们可以考虑一下，一个4岁小孩的世界是没有权力可言的。父母决定你每天吃什么，当他们命令你睡觉时你不得不上床。他们选择你是否去上学或待在家里。他们为你挑衣服。他们告诉你这个令人迷惑的世界是怎样的。你觉得你所能掌控的事情少之又少。
于是，你找到了一些简单的句子，它们赋予了你因为稀有而无法抗拒的权力，并且从中你觉得很有趣。你的儿子当然不是真的恨你。如果他说“你是马铃薯”，而你以同样的方式回应他，他就会对他所说的话感到沮丧。顺便说一下，孩子开始使用咒骂他人的话也是一样的。他们寻找的是一种回应——他们根本不知道那些话是什么意思。
幸运的是，只要忽视它这种习惯就会改掉了。如果没有人对他说“我恨你”的行为而无动于衷——不回应，不承认，不生气，不停下手中的活，不笑话，什么都没有，就像他什么事也没干一样——他觉得没趣儿了，很快就再也不这样说了。
当然，他会接着寻找其它有创意的方式去获取掌控自己世界的办法。所以，我们要准备好他下一个鬼点子。