原文: Who Are Your Children's Role Models?

I am shocked - shocked! - that Michael Phelps smoked dope at a fraternity party. Who does he think he is? Doesn't he know he is a role model to our kids? I wanted my kids to be him and then he goes and pulls this stunt!?

Actually, what I am really shocked about is the ridiculous brouhaha this has generated. Let's face it, his behavior is not at all unusual for his age (in the only phrase from George W that I've appropriated: "When I was young and foolish, I was young and foolish."). Of all his potential misdeeds, this seems a minor transgression indeed.


And, anyway, who says he is (or should be) a "role model"? The dictionary defines a role model as "a person whose behavior, example, or success is or can be emulated by others, especially by younger people."

Let's face it folks, your kids have no chance of being Michael Phelps, unless they too have a body like a torpedo, outsized hands and feet like a pizza pie, the wherewithal to swim for 13 hours a day, 7 days a week, a coach who will devote his life to their success, etc.

I work in the inner-city of Boston. Who are the role models of many of the kids I see? Mostly rappers and basketball players. Yet the odds of actually making it in life as one of those is zero. It's completely unrealistic and misguided in its values and what they can accomplish in life. Why their heroic 6th grade math teacher is never mentioned is a source of great sadness to me because, with some hard work and motivation for school success, they could actually become that math teacher.


Here‘s where you parents come in. Much like talking to your kids about what's on TV and how realistic it is and what values it promotes, so too do you need to address this question of what kind of people we admire in life and why.

Sure Michael Phelps did a very cool thing and loves his mother, but what about someone who has devoted her life to helping others, someone who started a successful small local company, someone who gives to others, someone who is really smart and worked hard in school to succeed, someone who teaches.

You get the idea. If you don't push for alternative role models, who will? Surely not the media who are financially committed to hawking celebrities as the royalty of our culture.


I want to close this screed on a scary note.

I do know with 100% certainty at least one or two people who, no matter what, will surely serve as important role models in your kids' lives. That would his/her parents. Yes I am talking about you!

Many parents think they are teaching their kids by their discipline methods or rules of the house, etc. But we humans - and that includes your kids (at least most of the time) - learn mainly from what is called "incidental learning," that is, learning on the fly, learning by observing and interpreting and making meaning of what is going on around them all the time.

Be afraid, be very afraid: your kids are observing you and eventually will judge what kind of a role model you are based on how you behave, your relationships with others, how loving and caring you are, and how mean and selfish.

Some of you lucky ones will be 100% positive role models for your kids (don't count on it), some will be 100% negative (I hope not), but most of you will be a mix of good and bad, of some traits that your kids will want to emulate and carry on to the next generation and some that your kids will reject and be glad not to pass on to their kids.

So the next time you are thinking about Michael Phelps and his bong, better to think of your own behavior and what lessons your kids are deriving from it day after day, year after year, generation after generation.

译文: 谁是你孩子的榜样？

菲尔普斯在出席一次朋友聚会时吸食大麻，听到这些我震惊了，我真的感到很震惊！他有没有想过他是谁？难道他不知道他是我们孩子的榜样吗？我曾经想让我的孩子成为他那样的人，可是现在他居然做出这样愚蠢的举动！？

      事实上，使我真正感到惊讶的是这件事所带来的影响。我们得承认，菲尔普斯的这种行为在他同龄人中并不罕见，（在这里我借用George W的一句话：“我还年轻，我只是年幼无知。”）。对于所有他可能会犯的错误，事实上吸食大麻似乎只是其中一个很小的错误。

 

 

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但是，无论如何，谁说他是一个“榜样”？字典上对榜样的定义是这样的——榜样就是一个人的行为举止，以及他的成功事例能够成为他人尤其是年轻人学习的典范。

我们得承认，我们的小孩没有机会成为菲尔普斯，除非他们在水中能有像鱼雷般的爆发力，有特大的手掌，以及巨大的脚掌，同时他们还要有能够一天连续游泳18个小时的体力，一个星期天天如此，而且还要有个愿意为这些孩子的成功而付出努力的教练，等等···
     

我在波士顿的市区工作。谁是那些孩子的榜样呢？大部分孩子的榜样是说唱歌手和篮球队员。然而在现实生活中，能够做到像榜样一样好的可能性是很小的，几乎为零。这是完全不现实的，并且会误导孩子们的价值观和使孩子们误入歧途。最令我觉得沮丧的是为什么他们从来没有提及他们那位很有男子气概的六年级的数学老师，毕竟他们的老师也是经过很大的努力才有今天的成就的。

 

 

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       这个时候父母亲应该站出来了。就像告诉孩子电视上正在播放什么一样，父母应该告诉孩子现实是怎么样的，应该坚持什么样的价值观，你最需要做的就是向他们说明什么样的人才是我们在生活中应该崇拜的并且告诉他们之所以要崇拜这些人的原因。


      菲尔普斯确实了不起，并且他也很爱他妈妈，但是我周围的其他人呢？那些奉献了毕生精力去帮助他人的人，那些成功地在当地开办了小公司的人，那些在学校里既聪明有努力学习的学生，以及那些教书育人的人，他们也是我们的榜样啊。

你明白其中的道理。但是如果你不努力寻找更多的可以学习的榜样，谁又能帮你寻找你的榜样呢？想必媒体是不会把那些喜欢显摆的名人说成是我们文化的皇族。

 

 

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我想用一个令人觉得可怕的事实来结束这篇冗长的文章。

      我十分确定，无论如何，至少有一个或两个人在孩子的成长中起到重要的榜样作用。这些人可能是他的父母。是的，父母！


      许多父母认为他们正在用他们自身的管教方法或者是家规等等教育他们的孩子。但是我们知道，大部分情况下孩子们主要是 “偶然学习”，也就是说，他们会从他们所观察到的，日常生活中发生在他们身边的事情学到很多东西。

 

 

令人觉得害怕的是：你的孩子正在关注着你，最后他们会根据你的行为，你和他人的关系，你怎样关爱他人以及你是如何自私来判断出你给他们树立了一个什么样的榜样。

      你们中有些幸运的人会给孩子树立一个百分之百的正面形象（但是不用可以去算这个比例），有些则会给孩子树立一个百分之百的负面影响（我希望这种情况不存在），但是我们中的大多数给孩子树立的榜样是好坏兼有的。对于那些做得好的方面，你的孩子会把它传给下一代，同时他们会舍弃那些不好的方面，不会把他们传给下一代。

      当你下次想起菲尔普斯以及他的吸毒事件所敲响的警钟时，最好考虑一下你自己的行为，也想一下你的孩子日复一日，年复一年甚至是一代又一代会从你那里学到什么。