Editor’s note: This is a guest post by Vered of MomGrind.
I’m a mom.
I am also a woman, a wife, a daughter, and a friend.
Recently I started blogging. As it turns out, I am a writer too.
I am wearing many hats and doing so is not always easy. I was grateful to discover this article by Leo, where he shares useful tips on how to be a great dad. When I read Leo’s article, I was curious: do these tips apply to moms? Can I incorporate his advice into my own life?
Obviously, a great mom loves her kids, takes care of their basic physical and emotional needs, and spends quality time with them. But what are the subtler, less obvious ways to become a great mom?
1. Stay true to yourself. You don’t have to give up your own passions and interests once you become a mom. It’s important that you find time for what YOU love to do. Reading, writing, exercising – make these a priority and find a way to incorporate those into your routine. Easier said than done, I know, but you should at least aim to keep doing what you love, even if you don’t get to do it as often as before. If you take care of your own needs, you will be happier and will function better as a mom.
2. Don’t be a martyr. The kids didn’t ask for it, they don’t need it, and they certainly don’t need to pay the price that comes with being mothered by a martyr. Need some time alone? Let the kids watch TV for an hour and go read a book. Feel like you haven’t had adult interaction in ages? Leave them with Dad for the evening and make plans to have dinner with a friend. Getting to the point where you are utterly exhausted is not good for you or for your kids.
3. Don’t try to be perfect. This is true for life in general, and is a major personal goal of mine, regardless of motherhood. Striving for perfection is always a bad idea, because life is messy and unpredictable and full of surprises. Trying to create perfection, or to maintain complete control, is simply impossible and should never be your goal. Once you become a mom, life is messier and crazier than ever before, so it’s more important than ever to let go of that perfectionism. You need to accept that the house will sometimes be untidy, that once in a while dinner will be takeout, and that the kids will sometimes have to entertain themselves while you recharge and regroup.
4. Ditch the guilt. Guilt seems to be one of the most common side effects of motherhood. A friend once told me that she feels guilt every single day. I too am often guilty of feeling guilty. But I am working on it: guilt is unhelpful and a terrible waste of time and energy. Once you make a decision, whether a major one like staying at home vs. going back to work, or a small one like allowing the kids to play a computer game while you have some time for yourself, try to avoid second-guessing yourself. You are doing the best that you can. No one is perfect, and you are not expected to be a perfect mom or to never make mistakes. As long as you love them and provide their basic needs, your kids will turn out fine. Really.
5. Be Patient. Raising kids is hard work. Kids are noisy, messy and incredibly demanding. Yes, you will lose your patience once in a while. I do. But for the most part, try to take a deep breath and see them for the small, helpless people that they are. I am not a patient person by nature, but motherhood has taught me to be more patient than I ever thought I could possibly be.
6. Listen to your children. REALLY listen. This is a tough one for me, but I keep trying. We tend to assume that we know more than our kids do, which is true to some extent of course, so we don’t really bother to listen. In addition, we often act as problem-solvers, dishing immediate advice, when all they need is for us to listen to them. A couple of months ago, my 8 years old told me about problems she was having with friends at school. I immediately offered a solution, and it was obvious she was disappointed. She wasn’t looking for a solution. She simply wanted me to listen.
7. Be their mom, not their friend. Set limits. In a way, it was easy for previous generations. Parents were parents. Kids were kids. Families were patriarchal. Everyone listened and obeyed to the father. Now, families are democratic. We negotiate, talk things over, and listen to each other. We make important decisions together. This is great, but kids still need us to be their parents and set clear limits. We should listen to them and respect them – but we are not their peers. When I was a pre-teen, I used to snap at my mom, “I’m not going to be your friend anymore!” She would look at me calmly and respond, “Well, you are NOT my friend. You are my daughter”. It used to drive me crazy, but she was right. Our job is to be our kids’ mothers – not their friends.
8. Teach them simplicity. You will do them a big – a HUGE – favor, if you teach them at a young age to avoid associating happiness with the accumulation of material possessions. The younger they are, the more likely they are to listen to you, so start early. My kids are 6 and 8, and I often feel that now is the time to instill my values in them, before they are teens (or pre-teens) and peer pressure takes over. When it’s time to declutter, I allow my daughters to be part of the process, and we talk about how we don’t need all that STUFF. We never go shopping as a fun outing. They know that shopping is a necessary evil, something that you do when you really NEED something. Instead of buying books, we borrow books at the library. We reuse as much as we can. Together, we take pride in living in a clean, airy, uncluttered home.
9. Don’t push them too hard. I was raised as an overachiever, and I can testify from my own experience that overachieving does NOT lead to happiness. I do want my kids to be successful. I want them to reach their full potential and to be financially secure. But I am trying not to push them too hard and to maintain a relatively relaxed approach to success at school and to after-school enrichment activities.
10. Teach them self-esteem. I am borrowing this one from Leo’s list, because it is so important. In fact, I agree with Leo that high self-esteem is the single most important gift that a parent can give their kids. A person with a high self-esteem values herself and will not get into, or stay in, an abusive relationship. A person with high self-esteem is more likely to be happy and to reach her full potential. How do you teach your kids self-esteem? Exactly the way Leo said: by showing them that you value them, by spending time with them, and by talking with them and listening to them.
11. Teach them to be self-reliant. Another one that I struggle with every day. It’s very tempting to help your children in a way that robs them of the opportunity to help themselves. At every developmental stage your child reaches, she can do things by herself. If you do them for her, you are not really helping her, but rather holding her back. Gently teach her independence and let her do what she can do, and what is appropriate for her to do, by herself. The sense of accomplishment that comes with being independent is immensely important for a child. I once read in Penelope Leach’s book something that left a huge impression on me: good parents work themselves out of the picture – slowly. As much as I like to feel needed, I try to let my kids be as independent and self-sufficient as they possibly can. Ever so slowly, I am working myself out of the picture.
12. Laugh and have fun! When you’re a mom, it’s easy to become so absorbed in the logistics of taking care of your kids – what Leo refers to as the “mom stuff” - that you forget to relax and have fun. But kids are fun. They give you a wonderful opportunity to be a child all over again, and to do things that you never thought you would do as an adult (jumping in puddles is so much fun!) and see the world through their innocent, curious eyes. Haven’t noticed interesting insects and colorful butterflies in several years? You are going to start noticing them again once you have kids.
So, are the lists any different? They’re different in some way, and similar in others. While both emphasize being good to your kids and to yourself, my list places more emphasis on the “be good to yourself” part. I think that the biggest mistake dads make is that they become so absorbed in their careers that they do not spend enough time with their families. The biggest mistake moms make, in my opinion, is that they become so absorbed in their families that they do not spend enough time on their own passions. Leo’s list helps dads find their balance. My list, hopefully, helps moms find theirs.
译文:
怎样做一个伟大的母亲—12条金牌定律
我是一位母亲
我同时也是一个女人，一个妻子，一个女儿和一个朋友。
最近我开始写博。事实证明，我也可以是一个作家。
我一个人承担了多重角色，写博客对我来说并总是那么容易。我很感谢找到了里昂写的一篇文章，在里面他分享了许多有用的小贴士，有关怎么做一个好父亲。我读他那篇文章的时候就在想：这些建议是不是对一个母亲也适用呢？我可以把他的经验运用到我的生活中吗？
毋庸置疑，一个好母亲爱她自己的孩子，关心他们基本的生理和心理方面的需求,还会和他们分享最好的时光。但是成为一个好母亲还有哪些更细微的，不是很显而易见的方法呢？
1、忠实于自己。一旦成为了一位母亲，你没必要放弃你自己的兴趣爱好。找时间做你自己喜欢的事是很重要的。读书，写作，锻炼——首先做这些并且找到一个方法让这些都融入你的日常生活。我知道说着容易做着难，但至少你要有这种坚持做你喜欢事的目标，即使你没有以前做的那么频繁。如果你在意自己的需求，你会更开心，能更好地做一个母亲。
2、不要成为受难者。孩子们没有要的东西，他们不需要，他们当然也没必要为被一个受难的人抚养买单。想要些独处的时间吗？让孩子们看一小时电视吧，你自己去看看书。想体验你还没到成人年纪的日子吗？把他们晚上留给爸爸，然后自己和朋友出去吃个晚餐。要弄清楚你耗尽所有精力的事情对你和孩子们都不好。
3、不要试图追求完美。这大概也是生活的真谛，同时也是我个人追求的主要目标，跟做一个母亲无关。拼命追求完美总是个坏想法，因为生活总是很麻烦，不可预测并且充满令人惊讶的事物的。试图去创造完美，或者保持绝对的控制权几乎是不可能的，这永远不能成为你的目标。一旦你成为一个母亲，生活会变得更麻烦，也比以前更疯狂，因此抛弃完美的念头就比任何时候都重要的多了。你要接受屋子有时不那么整齐，有一阵子晚饭需要买外带的，当你在恢复体能的时候，孩子们会自娱自乐。
4、为负罪感找一个出口。负罪感好像是做一个妈妈最常见的副作用之一。有个朋友曾经告诉我她每天都会有负罪感。我也经常为有负罪感而歉疚。但是我在努力改变。负罪感起不到任何作用，并且严重浪费时间和精力。一旦你做了个决定，不管是大事诸如是呆在家里还是外出工作，还是小事像为了有自己的时间让孩子玩会儿电子游戏，尝试避免去怀疑自己。你在尽力做到最好。没有人是完美无缺的，也不会有人期待你成为一个永远不犯错的完美妈妈。只要你爱他们，给他们基本的需求，你的孩子就会很好，真的。
5、有耐心。抚养孩子是很辛苦的工作。孩子们会很吵，很麻烦，也会很耗精力。是的，有时你会没有耐心，我就是这样。但大部分情况下，试着做下深呼吸，把他们看成小小的，无助的人。我天生不是个完美的人，但是作为一个母亲让我变得比我以前想象的还要更有耐心。
6、倾听你孩子的心声。要真的倾听。这对我来说很难，但我一直在努力。我们总是觉得自己懂得比孩子多，这在某种程度上确实是的，所以我们就不想再去听。而且，我们一直在扮演一个解决问题的人的角色，当他们仅仅需要我们倾听的时候，我们会直接就给他们提供建议。几个月前，我八岁的女儿告诉我她在学校和朋友之间的一些问题。我直接就给了我的建议，显然，她很失望。她并不是想从我这寻求解决方法的，她仅仅需要我的倾听。
7、做他们的妈妈，而不是朋友。要有一些限制。某种程度上，这对于以前的几代人很容易。父母就是父母。孩子就是孩子。家有家规。每个人都听从父亲的话。现在，家庭都很民主。我们交涉，谈论事情，听取每个人的意见。我们也一起做重大的决定。这是很好的，但孩子还需要我们有做父母的样子，要有清楚的限制。我们应当倾听他们，尊重他们-但我们不是他们的伙伴。我孩提时就曾经冲我妈妈吼过：“我再也不要做你的朋友了！”她会静静地看着我，说：“你不是我朋友，你是我女儿呀！”这让我很疯狂，但她是对的。我们的工作是要成为我们孩子的妈妈，而不是他们的朋友。
8、教导他们朴实。如果你在他们小的时候就教导他们不要将幸福与积累的物质财富联系在一起，你就帮了他们大忙了。他们越小就越挺话，所以早点好。我的两个孩子分别是六岁和八岁，我就常常觉得是时候把我的价值观转嫁到他们身上了，在他们青春期之前,还没有感觉到青春期压力的时候。当购物的时候，我会让我的女儿们参与到这一过程中来，谈论我们是如何地不需要那些东西。我们从不把购物当作一次愉快的出行。他们知道购物是需要时才做的事，只有当你真的需要买东西的时候才会去做。我们从图书馆借书而不是去买书。我们尽可能地重复利用东西。总的来说，我们为住在一个干净，清新，整齐的家里而自豪。
9、对他们要求不要太严格。我以前是个成绩出乎人意料的学生，从我自己的经历中我得出成绩的出乎意料并不能带来幸福。我确实也希望我的孩子们能有所成就。我希望他们发挥自己最大的潜能，同时有一定的经济保障。但同时我也努力不对他们要求过于严格，在学业上能采取一种相对轻松的成功的途径，课余我也会让他们参加各种活动。
10、教导他们要自尊。这是我从里昂的书里摘录下来的，因为它非常重ho要。实际上，我赞同里昂的观点，认为很强的自尊心是父母能给予孩子仅有的也是最重要的礼物。有强烈自尊心的人会珍视自己，不会让自己陷入或处在一种泛滥的关系中。同时，他也很容易得到幸福，发挥自己最大的潜能。那么，怎么样教导你的孩子有自尊心呢？就像里昂说的那样：表现出来你很重视他们，多花时间陪他们，和他们聊天，倾听他们的心声。
11、教导他们要自立。这也是我每天都挣扎的。因为很容易在帮助你孩子的同时剥夺了他们自助的机会。在你孩子成长的每一阶段，她都可以自己做一些事。如果你都帮他们代劳，这就不是真正地在帮助她，而是在拖她的后腿。婉转地教导她独立，让她做自己能做的事，做适合她的事。独立中的满足感对孩子来说是非常重要的。我曾经读过Penelope Leach的书，里面有些东西给我留下了深刻的印象：好的父母会慢慢地淡出孩子的生活。只要我觉得有必要，我就让我孩子尽可能地独立，自给自足。慢慢地，我会淡出他们的生活。
12、生活要有欢笑和乐趣。当你是个母亲的时候，很容易就陷入一种照顾你孩子的逻辑，这就是里昂所指的“妈妈的毛病”，你会忘了放松，娱乐。但孩子们就是快乐。他们给你一个绝好的重新做回一个孩子的机会，做一些你认为成人所不可能做的事情（在水池中跳是多么地有趣啊！），在他们无辜，好奇的眼中看世界。是不是很多年都没有注意到有趣的昆虫和五彩斑斓的蝴蝶了？当你有孩子的时候，你将重新注意到他们。
好了，这些点中有一些不同吗？在有些方面他们是不同的，有些方面是相似的。当有的既强调对孩子好，也强调对你好时，我更强调对你自己好。我认为爸爸们犯的最大的错误就是太专注于他们的事业，而没有留足够的时间给他们的家庭。在我看来，妈妈们犯的最大的错误就是太专注于她们的家庭而忽略了自己的兴趣爱好。里昂的建议帮助爸爸们找到平衡。我希望我的能帮助妈妈们找到她们的平衡点。