Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Vanessa Van Petten, who runs a teen blog.
Why do teenagers do drugs?
This was the main question in a study conducted by CASA (National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse) called “The Importance of Family Dinners.” This study was conducted to find out what causes children to do drugs as teenagers and young adults. It followed 2,000 different types of families and found one major pattern: kids who had regular and frequent family dinners were less likely to do drugs than those with less family interaction.
In other words, family time is one of the most important factors in determining kids disposition to drugs and trouble.
Yet, bonding with kids, getting teenagers to talk at dinner and finding common family interests is hard. I know my favorite responses to my parents were either monosyllabic, or “I don’t know.” This usually meant, “I do know, but I don’t really want to tell you about it.” Ouch. (Don’t worry, I now do talk to my parents over dinner.)
I constantly work with teenagers, and as a 22-year-old, they are often more honest with me than most of their parents. I asked them what kinds of things they would be willing to do with their families. Together, we came up with these suggestions that are a little out of the ordinary, but might actually get your teens excited to start communicating.
1. Weekly Rendezvous. Find a time once a week where your family can get together and talk about a certain issue or play a game. Make it consistent. One family I know has every family member during the week write down at least five words they came upon in every day life they didn’t recognize. It makes both parents and kids think about the ‘challenge’ during the week, they get to learn new words and supposedly they have some pretty funny guessing games and example sentences on their weekly Sunday night challenge.
Pick anything and, depending on your child or family’s interests, you can do it with young kids too. If you want your kids watching the news more, have them find one really interesting news story once a week and email it around to everyone on Friday for discussion at dinner that night.
2. Game Night. This one was a favorite in my house. The most important part of family dinners is the simple act of having family members interacting on a regular basis. During dinner, my siblings and I didn’t want to talk very much, but after dinner and homework, my family played card and board games instead of watching TV. Each of us got to pick a game a certain night of the week. I found it was much easier to interact with my parents during a game of ‘Clue’ or ‘Scene It’ and easier to forget I was mad at them about my curfew after the dance that weekend. We were bonding over games, and it didn’t even feel like bonding.
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3. Rate your day. Have trouble getting dinner conversation started? This is a fun and interesting way to get teens talking (and for you to reflect on your day). Every night at dinner have everyone go around the table and give the best part of their day, the worst part of their day and then a surprise (anything random that happened, a funny story or anecdote). Lastly everyone can rate his or her day from 1 to 10 (1 being really bad to 10 being amazing) and then you can talk about it.
4. Tap in to your Local. Depending on your kids’ interests there are a number of interesting activities you can do with your family at local stores. If your kid loves animals, make an appointment at the local rescue shelter so that your family can come and play with puppies and see how their business works. If your kid loves to cook, call a local cake bakery and ask if you can go with your kid to take a tour of their facility—fun, free, and a great way to teach your child more about their hobbies.
5. Festivals, carnivals and Shows—in the next town over. There are tons of local festivals and carnivals in towns and surrounding areas. Register and check local calendars managed by your town and neighboring town’s Chamber of Commerce. Harvest festivals and local film festivals can be a great buy because the family can go to activities over the course of a weekend. You can also take kids to neighboring town’s high school plays and musicals for a fun matinee.
Whichever activity you choose, try to interact with your kids on a regular basis and show them you are interested in their activities, friends and interests. If you are going through a rough time, remember that teens go through ups and downs and so will your relationship. If you keep with it and show them you love them, the relationship will get better!
Vanessa Van Petten is the author of “You’re Grounded!” a parenting book from a teen’s perspective, check out her blog at www.VanessaVanPetten.com. She is the creator of rrules.com the first wiki parenting encyclopedia and teen guide.
译文:
5种与孩子交流的非常规方法
为什么青少年迷恋磕药？
这是CASA一个名为“家庭晚餐的重要性”的课题研究的一个主要问题，这个课题研究是试图寻找引起儿童如青少年磕药的原因。在跟踪了2000个不同类型的家庭后，研究人员发现了一个重要的规律，相比缺少家庭互动的家庭，在那些定期、频繁全家聚餐的家庭中，不易出现磕药的小孩。
换句话说，决定孩子与毒品、困惑之间距离的最重要的因素之一就是家庭时光。
但是，找到一个全家人共同感兴趣、能够让孩子们在饭桌上开口的话题并不容易。我记得，我对父母的回应中最爱用的就是单音节词或者是“不知道”，这句话的意思通常是“我的确知道，但是我就是不想告诉你”。的确匪夷所思。（别担心，我现在已经习惯与父母在饭桌上交流了）。
22年来我一直从事青少年工作，很多孩子对我要比对他们的父母诚实的多。我问他们最希望全家一起做什么。 以下就是我们从中归纳出来的一些建议，看似非同寻常，但的确可激发他们参与交流沟通兴趣。
1．每周聚会。每周找一个时间，全家人聚在一起讨论一个话题或者玩一个游戏。要持之以恒。我认识一个家庭，要求每个家庭成员每周都记录下日常生活中自己偶遇的5个不认识的词，整个一周里，父母和孩子都在迎接新的挑战，他们开始学习新单词，并设想在每周日晚上的猜词、造句竞猜游戏中能表现出色。
选择什么话题取决于孩子或家庭的兴趣，你大可以让孩子们来选择。如果你希望孩子们多关注新闻，你可以让他们每周选择一个有趣的新闻故事，在周五的时候用电子邮件发给每个家庭成员，以便晚餐的时候进行讨论。
2．晚间游戏。这是我们家庭通常采用的方式之一。家庭晚餐聚会最重要的一部分就是家庭成员互相配合的游戏。在饭桌上，我和兄妹们不太想说太多，但是在晚饭和完家庭作业完成后，我们会在一起打牌或下棋而不是看电视。每晚由我们中的一个来选择游戏内容。我发现在“探索”或“情景模拟”游戏中，我会很容易与父母互动，这能使我轻易的忘记按照他们要求周末舞会后必须按时回家的抓狂。我们因游戏联系在一起，但是从来没感到被束缚。
3．给自己的每天打分。在饭桌上讨论什么呢？这是个问题。这是一个有趣方式，吸引年轻人开始讨论，可以说说当天的事情。每天吃晚饭的时候，全家人坐在一起，说说这一天什么时候最快乐，什么时候感觉最差，然后给大家一个惊奇的事情（自由发挥，可以是奇闻逸事）。最后，每个家庭成员都可以按照精彩程度给自己的的一天打个分（1代表很糟糕，10代表不可思意）。
4．放眼本地资源。如果仔细找找，你就会在当地找到许多你们可以进行的活动，这主要取决于你孩子的兴趣。如果你的小孩喜欢动物，就到动物救援中心去与动物宝宝来个亲密接触。如果你的小孩喜欢烹饪，就于当地的烤面包店联系，看能否参观一下他们的作坊——有趣、便宜，且又是很好的方式可以让你的孩子了解他们的爱好。
5．节日、庆典、附近的展览。各个城市总是有各种各样的节日、庆典、展出。关注本城和附近城市的商会的时间安排，感恩节庆典和各种电影节都是很好的选择，因为是全家人可以在周末一起参加的活动。你同样带孩子去参加邻城高中演出、音乐会等日剧活动。
不管你选择什么样的活动，都应该尽量与你的孩子互动起来，并且形成一种习惯，告诉他们你对他的活动，朋友，爱好都很感兴趣。对于你们的关系，如果你正在经历这样艰难的时光，不要忘记你的孩子对你们的关系也存在起起伏伏的不确定感，如果你能坚持，并告诉他们你很爱他们，你们的关系就会好起来的。