I was saved from sin when I was going on thirteen.But not really saved.It happened like this.There was a big revival at my Auntie Reed’s church.Every night for weeks there had been much preaching,singing,praying,and shouting,and some very hardened sinners had been brought to Christ,and the membership of the church had grown by leaps and bounds.Then just before the revival ended,they held a special meeting for children,”to bring the young lambs to the fold.”My aunt spoke of it for days ahead.That night I was escorted to the front row and placed on the mourners’ bench with all the other young sinners,who had not yet been brought to Jesus. My aunt told me that when you were saved you saw a light,and something happened to you inside!And Jesus came into your life!And God was with you from then on!She said you could see and hear and feel Jesus in you soul.I believed her.I had heard a great many old people say the same thing and it seemed to me they ought to know.So I sat there calmly in the hot,crowded church,waiting for Jesus to come to me.
The preacher preached a wonderful rhthmical sermon,all moans and shouts and lonely cries and dire pictures of hell,and then he sang a song about the ninety and nine safe in the fold.But one little lamb was left out in the cold.Then he said:”Won’t you come?Won’t you come to Jesus?Young lambs,won’t you come?”And he held out his arms to all us young sinners there on the mourners’ bench.And the little girls cried.And some of them jumped up and went to Jesus right away.But most of us just sat there.
A great many old people came and knelt around us and prayed,old women with jet-black faces and braided hair,old men with work-gnarled hands.And the church sang a song about the lower lights are buring,some poor sinners to be saved.And the whole building rocked with prayer and song.
Still I kept waiting to see Jesus.
Finally all the young people had gone to the altar and were saved,but one boy and me.He was a rounder’s son named Westley.Westley and I were surrounded by sisters and deacons praying.It was very hot in the church,and getting late now.Finally Westley said to me in a whisper:”God damn!I’m tired of sitting here.Let’s get up and be saved.”So he got up and was saved.
Then I was left all alone on the mourners’ bench.My aunt came and knelt at my knees and cried,while prayers and songs swirled all around me in the little church.The whole congregation prayed for me alone,in a mighty wail of moans and voices.And I kept waiting serenely for Jesus,waiting,waiting——but he didn’t come.I wanted to see him,but nothing happened to me.Nothing!I wanted something to happen to me,but nothing happened.
I heard the songs and the minister saying:”Why don’t you come?My dear child,why don’t you come to Jesus?Jesus is waiting for you.He wants you.Why don’t you com?Sister Reed,what is this child’s name?”
“Langston,”my aunt sobbed.”Langston,why don’t you come?Why don’t you come and be saved?Oh,Lamb of God!Why don’t you come?”
Now it was really getting late.I began to be ashamed of myself,holding everything up so long.I began to wonder what God thought about Westley,who certainly hadn’t seen Jesus either,but who was now sitting proudly on the platform,swinging his knickerbockered legs and grinning down at me,surrounded by deacons and old women on their knees praying.God had not struck Westley dead for taking his name in vain or for lying in the temjple.So I decided that maybe to save further trouble,I’d better lie,too,and say that Jesus had come,and get up and be saved.
So I got up.
Suddenly the whole room broke into a sea of shouting,as they saw me rise.Waves of rejiocing swept the place.Women leaped in the air.My aunt threw her arms around me.The minister took me by the hand and led me to the platform.
When things quieted down,in a hushed silence,punctuated by a few ecstatic “Amens,”all the new yong lambs were blessed in the name of God.Then joyous singing filled the room.
That night,for the last time in my life but one——for I was a big boy twelve years old——I cried.I cried,in bed alone,and couldn’t stop.I buried my head under the quilts,but my aunt heard me.She woke up and told my uncle I was crying because the Holy Ghost had come into my life,and because I had seen Jesus.But I really crying because I couldn’t bear to tell her that I had lied,that I had deceived everybody in the church,that I hadn’t seen Jesus,and that now I didn’t believe there was a Jesus any more,since he didn’t come to help me.
译文:
拯救
在我快十三岁的时候，我得以从罪恶中解救出来了。然而，我并没有真正被拯救。事情是这样的。在我瑞德阿姨的教堂里有一个隆重的复活仪式。好几个礼拜以来，每个晚上都有布道，歌声、祷告声还有人们的喊叫声不绝于耳。一些重罪的犯人们被带往耶酥，教堂的会员也迅速得增长着。在复活仪式结束后，他们会专门为孩子举行一个特别的会议。“为了将这些年轻的羔羊引向基督”，我的阿姨好几天前就一直这么说了。那一夜，我被安排在第一排，让我与其他那些带着罪还未被带往耶酥的年轻人一块儿，坐在哀悼者的长凳上。
阿姨之前告诉我当你被拯救时，你就能看到一片光亮，你的内心会悄然发生变化。那个时候，就表示耶酥来到了你的生活中。从那以后，上帝将与你同在。她还说，你能够看见，听见甚至感觉到耶酥就在你的灵魂里。我相信她。我之前也听过很多年迈的人们说过相同的话。而在我看来，他们原本就应该知道这些。于是，我就安静得坐在那个又闷又挤的教堂里，等待着耶酥的到来。
牧师说了一段优美而富有韵律的布道，接着又是呻吟又是喊叫，还伴着孤独的哭喊声，描绘出的地狱的恐怖画面。再接着，他唱了一首歌曲，内容是九十九个带罪孩子都被拯救了，惟独其中一个“小羔羊”被留在了冰冷的世界上，随后他便开始召唤：“你还不快过来吗？到耶酥这里来？小羔羊们，你们还不快过来吗？”然后，他向我们这群坐在哀悼者的长凳上的带罪的小羔羊张开了双臂。我们中间的那些小女孩都哭了。其中有些都赶紧跳着过去，立即投奔到耶酥的身边。不过，我们多数仍旧坐在那儿。
接着，有许多老人来到我们身边，跪伏着，祷告着，老妇人们都有着一张黑玉色的脸，老头们的手都粗躁至极。教堂里又唱起了歌，低矮的灯光在燃烧，一些可怜的罪人被拯救。祷告声还有歌声充斥着整座教堂。
我继续等待着耶酥的降临。
最后，几乎所有的孩子都到了神坛的那边，惟独我还有另一个男孩。这个男孩名叫卫斯特莱，是个醉汉的儿子。我和卫斯特莱被修女们以及副主祭们围在中间，他们都在祈祷着。教堂里十分闷热，而且现在时候也不早了。到了后来，卫斯特莱在我耳边轻语：“该死的！我已经厌恶这样一直坐在这里了。我还是去那边待着，被拯救去好了。”于是，他就真得起身，被拯救了。
于是，长凳上就只有我一个人坐在那了。我的阿姨过来，跪在我身边，哭了起来。而这个时候，这个小教堂里所有的祷告声和歌声都旋绕在我一个人身边。他们都在为我一个人祷告，恫哭声连成一片。而我则继续在那真诚得等待着耶酥。我等啊等，等啊等——可他始终没有出现。我想见到他，然而，在我身上什么事也没有发生。什么事都没有！我多么希望能在我身上发生些什么事啊。可是最终，都没任何事发生。
我听见这些歌声，也听见牧师在说：“你为什么还不过来呢，我的孩子，难道你不愿到耶酥这来吗？他正在等着你呢。他想见你，为什么你不过来呢？瑞德修女，这孩子叫什么名字？”
“兰斯顿，”我的阿姨啜泣着，“兰斯顿，为什么不过来？为什么不过来被拯救呢？哦，上帝的羔羊啊，你为什么不过来呀？”
这会时间真的是不早了。我开始为自己感到难为情，让事情拖得这么长。我开始思考上帝会怎么想卫斯特莱呢。他也绝没有看见耶酥，可是却那么骄傲得坐在神台上，晃着他那穿着灯笼绔的双腿，还时不时得朝我咧嘴笑。副主祭们还有那么多老妇人都围着他祷告。上帝并没有因为他这样借其名或是在教堂里撒谎就将他置于死地啊。于是，为了再惹麻烦，我最好也撒谎，说自己已经看见耶酥了，这样我就可以起身，被拯救了。
于是，我就真的站起来了。
就在这时，整间屋子里突然爆发出海一样的呼喊声。一浪接一浪的欢跃，冲击着这块地方。妇女们雀跃着跳了起来。阿姨用双臂将我围住，牧师牵起我的手，将我领到了神台上。
接着，人群开始安静下来，大家都轻嘘着，偶有几声狂喜般的“阿门”。所有年轻的羔羊们都以上帝的名义的受保佑，受祝福着。随后，愉快的歌声又充满了教堂。
那一夜，我哭了。这是有生以来第一次，也是最后一次。因为，那个时候我才十二岁。我就那样一个人躺在床上，哭了起来，而且还停不下来了。我用被子蒙住自己的头，可还是让阿姨听见了。她醒了过来，告诉叔叔我正在哭呢。因为圣人已经来到了我的生命中，因为我看到了耶酥。然而，我这么哭的真正原因是我不得不对她撒谎，不得不欺骗教堂里的所有人，我并没有看见耶酥。而在那以后，我再也不相信有个耶酥存在，因为，从始至终，他都没有来帮过我。