Let's face it -- there are times when it's just plain easier to tell your kid a little fib.
A little truth bending can ward off that tantrum (“I know you want to watch it, but I just can't find the DVD, dear.”). Most of us are guilty of this. Of course, we do it to protect our kids from worry or distressing facts -- or to protect our family's reputation in the public restaurant (“I'm sorry, honey. The cookies are all gone.”)
While I don't think it's ever right to deceive your child on those bigger life issues, you should feel free to creatively alter the facts every once in a while for those teenier situations. After all, your child may not be developmentally ready to handle the whole truth, and there are a few times when the whole truth will do more harm than good. In fact, I think there are times when not telling the whole truth is not only okay, but even advisable. Here are five ways to tell kids half-truths -- or just plain fudge things a bit for your child's own good:
1. Take the Fifth. You don't have to respond to every question, especially those involving your privacy and past life (i.e., substance abuse, sex life, law infractions). Unless you really feel it would benefit your child to hear it all, you can just take the fifth. “I'm sorry, but that's part of my private life.” Enough.
2. Ask a Question. You can avoid lying by asking a question: “Do you think Santa is real?” Or answer only what your child asks. Then wait and dig a little deeper. “What have you heard?” is always a great way to start a conversation.
3. Withhold Facts. You don't have to give all the facts, but you can still tell the truth. If your ex didn't pick up your child as promised, you don't have to say, “Your father didn't want to see you today.” You can alter the sentiment, and still be honest: “I'm not sure why Daddy isn't here. When we see him, you can ask.”
4. Water Down the Facts. Whether it's a national or world tragedy (i.e., war, tsunami, terrorism) or an event close to home (i.e., a kidnapping, a cancer diagnosis, a car accident), chances are your child will hear about it and needs to get his information from you. Be honest, but just water down the facts to his level in a reassuring way.
5. Plead Ignorance. In some instances, it's just fine to tell your child, “I don't know” -- followed by reassurances. “Will Daddy die?” “I don't know. But we're doing everything we can to help him.” Or: “Will we lose the house?” “I don't know. But whatever happens, we'll be okay because we're together.”
Use these techniques when you have to, but don't make it a habit of lying to your child. A famous experiment conducted at the University of California at Santa Barbara found that when people were asked to recall the worst lie they were ever told, they usually cited an instance when their parent lied to them. They never got over the feeling of being deceived by Mom or Dad, and they've resented it ever since. But when their parent was asked about the lie, they thought that lying to their child was not only the right thing to do, but also an act of love.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.
What's this?
译文:
向孩子说谎的五种方式
让我们面对它吧——对孩子说个小谎有时候更加容易。
对事实稍作曲解，可以避免怒火（“亲爱的，我知道你想看这部片子，但我就是找不到DVD碟片了。”）。我们中多数人都有这种罪名。当然，我们这样做是为了保护孩子免于烦恼或痛苦——或者保护家人在公共餐馆的名誉（“很抱歉，宝贝。饼干都吃光了。”）
而我不认为在那些事关人生大事的问题上欺骗孩子是正确的，你可以偶尔在那些琐事上创造性的随意改变事实。毕竟你的孩子还没有成熟到可以把握全部事实，有时候让他们了解全部事实，坏处多于好处。事实上，我认为有时候不说出事实不只是对的，我还建议您这么做。有五种方法能对孩子说半真半假的故事——或者只是为了孩子好，胡乱说点什么：
1.拒绝作危害自己的证词。你不必回答每个问题，尤其是涉及到你的隐私和过去生活的问题（比如，物质滥用、性生活、犯法）。除非你确实感到孩子听了这些有好处，否则你可以拒绝给出可能危及自己的证词。“不好意思，这只是我私人生活的一部分。”足够了。
2.问个问题。问个问题，你就不用说谎了：“你认为真有圣诞老人吗？”或者只回答孩子问你的问题。然后等一下，深挖一下。“你听到了什么事吗？”这一直是个开始对话的好方法。
3.保留事实。你不用说出所有的事，但是你仍可以说出实话。如果你的前配偶没有遵守承诺来接孩子，你不必跟孩子说“你爸爸不想见你。”你可以转变情绪，并且仍然诚实的说：“我不确定爸爸为什么不在这。我们看见他的时候，你可以问他。”
4.冲淡事实。不论发生了全国性的或全球性的灾难（如战争、海啸、恐怖活动）或者离家很近的一件大事（如诱拐、癌症诊断、车祸），你的孩子都可能听到这些事，并需要从你这里得到他要的信息。你可以据实以答，但是要用一种可靠的方法，把事实冲淡到他可以接受的层次。
5.声称不知。有时候，可以告诉孩子“我不知道”——接下来让孩子放心。“爸爸会死吗？”“我不知道。但是我们已经在尽我们所能帮助他了。”或者说“我们会失去房子吗？”“我不知道。但是不管发生什么事，只要我们在一起就没关系。”
必不得已的时候要用上这些技巧，但是不要把对孩子说谎变成一种习惯。位于圣芭芭拉的加州大学进行了一个著名实验， 发现当人们被问及回想自己说过的最严重的谎话时，他们通常会举出父母对他们说过的谎话。他们从未反思自己的作为父母欺骗子女的这种感觉，他们从那时至今一直耿耿于怀。但是当他们的父母被问及说谎的事时，他们认为，对子女说谎不只是正确的，还是一种爱的表现。