Sometimes I get a bit of a wake up call, and realize that I am the reason that I am still sick. I realize that outside forces are the original reason that I live with (not suffer from) Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. However, I have to think that if I actually 100% followed my doctor’s orders and wasn’t so incredibly stubborn, then I would be doing great instead of mediocre. Perhaps this is a misguided fantasy - but then again, I may be on to something here.
- I don’t sleep - in actual fact, I sleep less than 90 minutes a night. Is this healthy? No! - Could I do something about it? Yes! I could go back to my doctor and request that I take an SSRI antidepressant, or perhaps something a little stronger to help me sleep (xanax perhaps?). I refuse to do either. The fact of the matter is, I will not take another pill for CFS as long as I live. I may have made a bad decision - but from past experience, it is the only choice that I could have made. Instead I have decided that when I really need the sleep, I will sleep.
- I get sick a lot. Not everyday feeling horrible from CFS, but I get severe bouts of mono and pneumonia every year (more than once a year), I sound (although I don’t have) like I live with Tuberculosis - believe me when I tell you I don’t have it (I just sound like I do). Last year’s bout of Meningitis was a big wake up call for me. I have a severely run down immune system. It is insanely compromised. I am a woman who should be living inside a bubble. - What do I do about it? Besides wash my hands and face about 27 times a day. I work 3 jobs, I eat only when I have 10 minutes of spare time - and less than half of my meals a week are home cooked. Am I doing myself more harm - absolutely!
- I take vitamins, although I forget to take them everyday. The same goes for exercise - I do it, but not every day.
- I started taking echinacea - but since I don’t suffer from regular colds and flus - is it even necessary to take it?
- I see out alternative health treatment - but I am not able to practice at home, unless you can count lying on the floor with 3 tennis balls (in a sock) behind my head. I try to meditate, but I end up falling asleep (not for very long though).
I have a stressful life, but its mostly my own doing. I write out new methods of relaxation and exercise to try. I even try out a new regime - and I intensly follow it for about 4 days….and then give up. The reason isn’t laziness, or lack of willpower. But I don’t really understand why I can not commit. Perhaps the patterns are just too hard to break. My muscle memory is not capable of change.
Or maybe that is just an excuse. I recognize the fact that I have a lot of work to do, in order to get well - I am just not sure that I am capable of making the necessary changes. This statement scares me like you wouldn’t believe
Its time to wake up and do something about what is missing. So now I need to find the right first step…..
I will start with the right foot.
**Picture Souce - Flickr
Share This
译文:
面对自己，如临大敌
有时我清早醒来，意识到自己仍然病着，要怪自己。我意识到，外部压力是我得了慢性疲乏综合征（而不是忍受）的最初原因。然而我需要考虑，如果我100%按照医生的要求，并且不那么冥顽不灵，我会比现在这种普通的状态更好。可能这只是误导人的痴梦——但是重来一次，我可能会做好这些事。
我不睡觉——事实上，我每晚睡不到90分钟。这健康吗？当然不！——我能做些什么呢？是的！我可以再去看医生，要求服用SSRI抗抑郁药，或者可能更强烈的东西以帮助我安睡（没准是xanax？）我两样都拒绝了。事实上，只要我活着，我就不会再为慢性疲乏综合征吃下一片药。我可能已经做了一个很糟糕的决定——但是根据过去经验，我只能选择如此。我已决定，当我真正需要睡觉的时候，我就去睡。
我病得很重。慢性疲乏综合征并不让人每天都感到恐慌，但是却让我每年患上几次的传染性单核细胞增多症和肺炎（一年不止一次），听我的声音会以为我得了肺结核（虽然我并非如此）——相信我，我并未得肺结核（只是声音像罢了）。去年的一场脑膜炎，让我觉悟。我的免疫系统已经严重失效，且急剧恶化。我是一个本应活在泡沫中的女人。——我该怎么办呢？除此之外，我每天洗27次手和脸。我有三份工作，我只在10分钟空余时间吃东西——我每周吃的食物大半不是家里做的。我是否在做有害于自己的事情——当然了！
我服用维他命，虽然我忘记每天要坚持吃。身体锻炼也是如此——我锻炼，但不是每天都进行。
我开始摄取松果菊——但是由于我不经常患感冒和流感——我还需要继续服用吗？
我放弃了其他健康治疗——但我不能在家练习，除非你认为在家躺在地板上，把三个网球（装在丝袜里）枕在头底下也有用的话。我试着冥想，但是最后都睡着了（虽然睡不了多久）。
我的生活充满压力，但是这都是我造的孽。我写下放松和锻炼身体的新方法，加以尝试。我甚至试过新的生活方式——我照此热情的遵守了4天……然后放弃了。究其原因，并非处于懒惰，或者缺乏毅力。但是我真不明白，为什么我不能贯彻到底。可能是旧的习惯太难打破了。我的肌肉记忆无法改变。
或许这只是一个借口。我认识到这样一个事实，我有很多工作要做，为了做好——我只是不确定我能否做出必要的改变。这个想法吓到了我，你不会相信的。
是时候觉悟，为失去之事做点什么了。现在我需要找到正确的第一步……
我会从正确的第一步开始。