Etiquette used to be the glue that held society together. It enabled people to get on with friends and neighbors without causing offense or harm. Sadly, these days it has mostly gone by the wayside. This list is of 10 of the best rules of etiquette that have now vanished. Perhaps it will inspire some to revive them!
10 Men’s Wedding Clothing
I have made this item 10 because it is more a case of correct dress rather than manners. First off, if your wedding is before 6 in the evening, you should not wear a tuxedo (black tie) or tails (white tie). You should either wear a formal suit or - if you want to be very proper - a morning suit. There is an excellent article here that will explain the rules of wedding dress for men. It is customary for the groom to give a tie to each of the men in the wedding party. If you are wearing a morning suit or a formal suit, give your wedding party ties that are similar but do not match. You want the party to look similar - but not like members of a choir. The photograph above shows you how this can be done to very good effect. It is, of course, Prince Henry and Prince William at their father’s wedding. If you are getting married after 6pm, you can wear a tuxedo or tails as these are evening clothes. Here is a guide for wearing tails.
In days gone by, a gentleman would always open doors for ladies. Whether it be the lady they were driving, or a stranger entering a building, it was always the done thing. This has now almost entirely vanished - and it is not entirely the fault of the men. I have seen women sneer at men for opening a door for them. They seem to be confusing manners with chauvinism. My advice in this case is to smile at the sneering lady and open the door anyway.
8 Writing Thank-you Notes
In days gone by, whenever a person received a gift, they would write a thank-you as soon as possible. This rule was true even if the giver was a relative. Parents would sit children down after a birthday or Christmas and coach them in their first thank-you notes. It is a shame that gift giving has now become a virtual obligation and the idea of a thank-you note would be scoffed at. If you ignore every other item on this list, at least try to teach your children to write thank you notes - they will have a greater appreciation of gifts they receive.
When people had a wedding or a special occasion party in the past, they would never have considered having a “gift registry”. To do so would be tantamount to asking people for a gift - which is extremely rude even today. It would also have been considered rude to say something like “no gifts” as it implies that gifts are an expected obligation. I can honestly say that I have never received a wedding invitation that didn’t also invite me to purchase a gift at my friend’s favorite shop. People seem to think it is okay as long as they include a few “cheap” gifts to balance out the extraordinary number of incredibly expensive gifts that I can’t even afford for myself! I have seen wedding registries that contain gifts valued in the thousands of dollars. Wedding invitations did not mention gifts - they did not ask for them and they did not include such silly things as “no gifts!” or worse still “donations to [insert charity no one cares about except you] in lieu of gifts”.
6 Leaving At The Right Time
We seem to have completely lost the concept of correct timing when it comes to parties these days. People leave when they are bored, when they want to go to another party, when they are too drunk, when they are not drunk enough, the excuses are endless. First of all, a party normally has a guest of honor - this is usually the oldest woman present. It was considered extremely rude in the past to leave a party before the guest of honor - and once the guest of honor left, it was a signal to all that they should begin their own preparations to leave. The loss of this etiquette rule is because we have largely thrown away the concept of a guest of honor.
This seemed a fitting item to follow the previous: in the olden days it was rude to arrive late. There was no such thing as being “fashionably late”. Lateness was rudeness - always. In most houses, if you were invited to dinner and turned up 15 minutes late, you would end up eating alone in the kitchen surrounded by the household staff, only to be allowed to join the party when the polite guests (who arrived on time) had finished and were retiring for the evening’s entertainment.
I could write a whole list on the lost etiquette of dinner - but I shall simply abridge it for this list. First of all, people used to dress for dinner - and they would all eat together at the table. Dressing for dinner emphasized the importance of family and healthy food. It is no wonder that now that we scoff food down in front of TV and all eat at different times, that we are becoming fatter as a race. This is one area where I try particularly hard to follow the rules. I don’t dress for dinner, but I sit with my family every night at the dinner table. I strongly recommend it as a good way to build up a good family spirit.
I had to add this item because there is a brilliant and funny quote relating to it. Let’s start with the quote (it is from “Everyday Manners” by Emily Post):
[P]arents must never disagree before the children. It simply can’t be! Nor can there be an appeal to one parent against the other by a child.
“Father told me to jump down the well!”
“Then you must do it, dear,” is the mother’s only possible comment. When the child has “jumped down the well,” she may pull him out promptly, and she may in private tell her husband what she thinks about his issuing such orders and stand her own ground against them; but so long as parents are living under the same roof, that roof must shelter unity of opinion, so far as any witnesses are concerned.
That is how a strong a rule it was! I bet you won’t find any parents today who agree strongly with this one.
2 Discretion on the Street
This is probably the rule most ignored these days: in the old days, people walking on the street would dress discretely, talk discretely, and never do anything which would draw attention to themselves. It was forbidden to mention names of friends as it is indiscrete. The gentleman always walked on the road side of the sidewalk - to protect the lady or ladies from passing traffic (which the two fakes in the photo above appear not to know). People would not look or talk to strangers passing and would never call out to a friend on the other side of the street.
This is another large topic. Let’s give a quick rundown: A gentleman would have never:
1. Borrowed money from a lady
2. Borrowed money from a man without security and the intention to pay it back as quickly as possible
3. Discussed money
4. Discussed his possessions or their cost
5. Name dropped: “When I was dining with Mr Rich…”, “I am great friends with Miss Gottabuck”
On the other hand, he would have assumed the debts of a deceased family member as it was a debt of honor. How far we have come! Money and the pursuit of wealth has become so obvious these days that a whole new term has been coined because of it: conspicuous consumption. There was once a day that we did not try to keep up with the Joneses - because we didn’t know what the Joneses had and no one knew what we had.
Contributor: JFrater
译文:
十大失落的文明礼仪
文明礼仪曾经是社会的粘合剂，它使朋友或邻里之间能够和睦相处，避免产生摩擦或伤害。可惜，随着时间的流逝大部分的文明礼仪都淡出了人们的视线。以下十条便是那些已彻底退出历史舞台的礼仪中佼佼者。或许通过本文可以让一些人有所意识，让这些文明礼仪重获生机。
婚礼上，新郎有正确的着装要远比有得体的行为举止重要得多，故此条位列第十。首先，如果你的婚礼是在傍晚六点前举行，那么你就不应该选择穿无尾礼服配黑色或白色领带。最正确的着装应该是选择正式的西服或英式长尾礼服。在这里向大家推荐一篇佳作，它介绍了男士在选择婚礼服饰上应遵循的原则。婚礼上新郎要送给在场的每位男士领带是个惯例。如果你在婚礼上穿的是英式长尾礼服或正式的西服，那么就该选择和衣服风格相似而不相配的领带当做礼物。千万不要弄巧成拙，为了婚礼有统一的格调，最终却使现场变成个合唱团。之所以选用Henry和Willam王子参加该父亲婚礼的照片，是为了说明人们可以将这条礼节表现得多淋漓尽致。如果你的婚礼是在傍晚六点之后举行，那么你可以选择无尾服或燕尾服这类的晚礼服。此处向大家介绍穿燕尾服的诀窍。
在过去，绅士总是要为女士开门。无论这位女士是自己的女伴，还是一个要进楼的陌生人，为女士服务都是男士的分内之事。而如今这个礼节已几近消亡，可是这并非全然是男人们的过错。我曾目睹一些女人嘲笑要为他们开门的男人。这些人似乎混淆了礼貌和沙文主义的内涵。我的看法是，建议男士以微笑对嘲笑，并坚持替女士开门。
在过去人们无论何时收到礼物都会尽快回寄一封感谢函。即使双方是亲戚，也不能免节。父母会在某个生日派对或圣诞派对之后，教孩子们写人生中第一封感谢函。遗憾的是，赠送礼物在现代已非常少见，而回寄感谢函的想法更是为人所不耻。你可以忽略其他九条礼节，但请至少教会孩子写感谢函-这会让他们对收到的礼物怀有更大的感激之情。
旧时的婚礼或是特殊场合下的派对，从未有礼品登记处之说。因为这种做法无异于向客人索要赠礼-在今天看来这也是很不礼貌的一种行为。而“拒收礼物”这样暗含送礼是应尽的义务的言语在过去也被认为是不礼貌的说辞。坦白说，我从未收到过一封请柬上面是不标明请让我到主人最爱的商店购买礼物。人们似乎认为，只要自己想得到的礼物足够“便宜”，能够弥补那些为数不少、价格不低，自己都舍不得买却送给了别人的礼物，索取礼物的做法可以接受。我就曾见到过价值数千美元的礼品出现在婚礼登记簿上。而过去的请柬是不会提及礼物的-主人不会索要，也不会在请柬上印“拒收礼物”这样傻或更不堪的“没有人在意你把礼物捐献给慈善机构”的言辞。
人们在参加聚会时，似乎完全丧失了正确的时间概念。只有当累了、想换个地方活动或酩酊大醉时，人们才会想要离开，若他们的神智还足够清醒，留下来的理由是无穷无尽。首先，正常情况下宴席总会有一位德高望重的客人-通常是出席的最年长的女性。以前，在宴会时先于贵客离席的行为被视为极端无礼之举-一旦贵客离开，也就给大家发出了信号应该准备离席。我们已基本抛弃贵宾的概念，所以适时离席的礼节也不复存在。
迟到在过去属于无礼的代名词，绝非今天的时尚。在过去，如果你受邀参加晚宴，却迟到了十五分钟，大多数情况下，等待你的将是一个人形单影只地在厨房就餐，淹没在厨房外熙攘的人群中。只有当那些准时出席的客人结束了宴席，或对晚上的节目失去兴致，你才可能获准加入其中。
那些已消失的晚餐礼仪足够让我列一串清单-但我还是把它删减到了现在这种长度。首先，人们过去习惯在晚餐时身着礼服-并且全家都要出席。庄重的穿戴是为了强调家庭和健康食品的重要性。毫无疑问现代家庭习惯边看电视边吃饭，并且每个家庭成员都有自己的饮食时间，这也就难怪现代人的体重好象参加比赛一般一路狂增。这也是我特别注重这条礼节的一个原因。虽然我不会为了晚餐而特意换装，但我每天都和家人一起在餐桌前吃晚餐。我坚定地认为，全家人一起吃晚餐是建立家庭观念的好方法。
因为一条集内涵与幽默于一体的引文，我把“父母一致”列入“失落的十大文明礼仪”。先介绍这段引文（选自Emily Post《日常交际礼仪》）
子女面前父母永远不能意见不合。就是单纯的不可以，没有原因！也不可以帮孩子反对另一方的做法。
“爸爸让我去跳井！”
“那你必须去做，宝贝儿”这种情况下，母亲只能这么回答。一旦孩子跳下井，她要马上把孩子拉出来，然后私下找丈夫谈话，明确自己对此事的看法，并坚定的反对；任何一对有经验的父母都认为，一旦夫妻二人同处一屋檐下，就必须达成意见的统一。
多重要的一点啊！我打赌现在再也找不到对这点有深刻认同的父母了。
大概这是现代社会最忽视的一点了。过去，人们外出时要注意着装、谈吐，绝不做吸引别人眼球之事，亲密的朋友之间禁止直呼其名。为了保护女士不被过往的车辆碰伤，男士总是走在人行道外侧。（上图中的两位显然不知道这点，冒牌的绅士加淑女）。人们不可以打量路过的陌生人或与之交谈，也不可以在马路的一边大声呼叫在另一边的朋友。
这是另一个大话题。简单概述：即作为一个绅士决不能做的事。
1.向女人借钱
2.向没有社会保障的人借款并没有想要尽快归还。
3.谈论钱财
4.谈论自己的财产或薪金
5.自贬身价“我和Rich先生共进晚餐。。。”，“我和Gottabuck女士是好朋友”
另一方面，男人应该主动承担起逝世的亲人的债务，把它当做一种纪念。我们已经背离这条礼节多远！金钱和追求财富成为公开的话题，已铺张浪费为特征的新一代形成。这个社会曾经是个不会攀比的社会-因为我们不知道别人都有些什么,同样也没有人了解我们的情况.
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