“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” - Lao-Tzu
No matter how much structure we create in our lives, no matter how many good habits we build, there will always be things that we cannot control — and if we let them, these things can be a huge source of anger, frustration and stress.
The simple solution: learn to go with the flow.
“Smile, breathe and go slowly.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
For example, let’s say you’ve created the perfect peaceful morning routine. You’ve structured your mornings so that you do things that bring you calm and happiness. And then a water pipe bursts in your bathroom and you spend a stressful morning trying to clean up the mess and get the pipe fixed.
You get angry. You are disappointed, because you didn’t get to do your morning routine. You are stressed from all these changes to what you’re used to. It ruins your day because you are frustrated for the rest of the day.
Not the best way to handle things, is it? And yet if we are honest, most of us have problems like this, with things that disrupt how we like things, with people who change what we are used to, with life when it doesn’t go the way we want it to go.
Go with the flow.
What is going with the flow? It’s rolling with the punches. It’s accepting change without getting angry or frustrated. It’s taking what life gives you, rather than trying to mold life to be exactly as you want it to be.
“Flow with whatever is happening and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.” - Chuang Tzu
A reader recently asked me to write more about going with the flow, so this is my attempt to share some of the things that work for me. As always, I don’t have any claims to perfection, and I’m learning as I improve, but the tips below should help anyone.
- Realize that you can’t control everything. I think we all know this at some level, but the way we think and act and feel many times contradicts this basic truth. We don’t control the universe, and yet we seem to wish we could. All the wishful thinking won’t make it so. You can’t even control everything within your own little sphere of influence — you can influence things, but many things are simply out of your control. In the example above, you can control your morning routine, but there will be things that happen from time to time (someone’s sick, accident happens, phone call comes at 5 a.m. that disrupts things, etc.) that will make you break your routine. First step is realizing that these things will happen. Not might happen, but will. There are things that we cannot control that will affect every aspect of our lives, and we must must must accept that, or we will constantly be frustrated. Meditate on this for awhile.
- Become aware. I’ve mentioned this step in previous articles on other topics, but that’s because it’s extremely important. You can’t change things in your head if you’re not aware of them. You have to become an observer of your thoughts, a self-examiner. Be aware that you’re becoming upset, so that you can do something about it. It helps to keep tally marks in a little notebook for a week — every time you get upset, put a little tally. That’s all — just keep tally. And soon, because of that little act, you will become more aware of your anger and frustration.
- Breathe. When you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated, take a deep breath. Take a few. This is an important step that allows you to calm down and do the rest of the things on this list. Practice this by itself and you’ll have come a long way already.
- Get perspective. This always helps me. I get angry over something happening — my car breaks down, my kids ruin my microwave — and then I take a deep breath, and take a step back. You know how you’re watching a movie and the camera zooms away and you can see much more of the world on the screen than you could before? How it goes from closeup to a larger, panoramic view of things? That’s what happens in my mind’s eye. I start to zoom away, until I’m pretty far away from things. Then whatever happened doesn’t seem so important. A week from now, a year from now, this little incident won’t matter a single whit. No one will care, not even you. So why get upset about it? Just let it go, and soon it won’t be a big deal.
- Practice. It’s important to realize that, just like when you learn any skill, you probably won’t be good at this at first. Who is good when they are first learning to write, or read, or drive? No one I know. Skills come with practice. So when you first learn to go with the flow, you will mess up. You will stumble and fall. That’s OK — it’s part of the process. Just keep practicing, and you’ll get the hang of it. Someday, you may even become a Zen Master and write a guest post on what you’ve learned for Zen Habits. :)
- Baby steps. Along the same lines, take things in small steps. Don’t try to become that Zen Master mentioned above overnight. Don’t try to bite off huge chunks — just bite off something small at first. So make your first attempts to go with the flow small ones: focus on the tally marks (mentioned above) first. Then focus on breathing. Then try to get perspective after you breathe. And you might try the easier situations first — if your work problems are easier to accept than your frustrations with your kids, for example, start with work.
- Laugh. It helps me to see things as funny, rather than frustrating. Car broke down in the middle of traffic and I have no cell phone or spare tire? Laugh at my own incompetence. Laugh at the absurdity of the situation. That requires a certain amount of detachment — you can laugh at the situation if you’re above it, but not within it. And that detachment is a good thing. If you can learn to laugh at things, you’ve come a long way. Try laughing even if you don’t think it’s funny — it will most likely become funny.
- Keep a journal. This is one of the best uses of a journal actually. Once a day, try to recall what all your tally marks were for — and then write about those situations. Why did you get upset? What did you try to do? Did it work, and if not, why not? What can you do next time? This kind of recollection and examination, after the fact, will help you learn from the process.
- Meditate. If you aren’t good at keeping a journal, at least do a daily review in your head. Do some meditation, or have a bath, or a cup of hot tea, and as you’re de-stressing, go over your day and examine it. Don’t get frustrated — you’re learning. Do some deep breathing, and then go over each situation, trying to see it as a detached observer. This kind of review will help you improve in the learning process.
- Realize that you can’t control others. Ah, one of the biggest challenges. We get frustrated with other people, because they don’t act the way we want them to act. Maybe it’s our kids, maybe it’s our spouse or significant other, maybe it’s our coworker or boss, maybe it’s our mom or best friend. But we have to realize that they are acting according to their personality, according to what they feel is right, and they are not going to do what we want all of the time. And we have to accept that. Accept that we can’t control them, accept them for who they are, accept the things they do. It’s not easy, but again, it takes practice.
- Accept change and imperfection. When we get things the way we like them, we usually don’t want them to change. But they will change. It’s a fact of life. We cannot keep things the way we want them to be … instead, it’s better to learn to accept things as they are. Accept that the world is constantly changing, and we are a part of that change. Also, instead of wanting things to be “perfect” (and what is perfect anyway?), we should accept that they will never be perfect, and we must accept good instead.
- Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty. Remember when I asked what “perfect” is, in the paragraph above? It’s actually a very interesting question. Does perfect mean the ideal life and world that we have in our heads? Do we have an ideal that we try to make the world conform to? Because that will likely never happen. Instead, try seeing the world as perfect the way it is. It’s messy, chaotic, painful, sad, dirty … and completely perfect. The world is beautiful, just as it is. Life is not something static, but a flow of change, never staying the same, always getting messier and more chaotic, always beautiful. There is beauty in everything around us, if we look at it as perfect.
“I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me.” - Bob Dylan
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译文:
跟随事物流动发展的十二种有效的方法
生命是大自然一种自发的改变。不要拒绝它们-那样只会给你带来悲伤。让它怎么真实就怎么真实好了。无论我们是否喜欢就让事情任其自由的发展。
无论我们在生活中创造了多少的建筑，无论我们建筑的有多好.结果我们总是无法预料--假如我们任其发展那么这些终究将会带来巨大的愤怒，挫折以及压力。
简单的解决方法：学会跟随事物流动的发展
微笑。慢慢的呼吸自由呼吸.
举一个例子。比如说你已经养成了细心周密的早上工作习惯。因为你安排好了你的早晨因此做任何事情都能带给你快乐和沉着。然而你的浴室水龙头漏水了，你经历了一个早上的紧张想要释放压力的时候遭到这样的事情的时候你要打扫卫生还要修水管，所以你生气了。并且非常的失望。因为你没有安排好你白天的工作佚事.你的压力来自于你曾经众多的改变。它打乱了一天的美好并且你会受到当天更多的烦心事。
难道真的没有处理这种事情的更好的办法吗?假如我们都是诚实面对事情的那么我们大多数人的问题应该会是这样，处事按照我们自己喜欢的方式，与人相处我们只会和从前改变过我们的人一起，但是生活并不会按照我们的个人意愿去发展。
跟随流动的发展。
什么叫做跟随流动的发展？也就是说它会随着事物的发展改变。它会毫无怨言的接受改变或者说是挫折。确切的说它会带着生活留给你的珍贵东西按照你想要的方向去塑造一个真正的你.
我的一位读者最近问我关于这部小说的进展，所以那才是引导我与你们分享我的成果的真正原因。因为一直以来我没有接到任何的反对意见从而用来去把我的小说推向一种十全十美的状态，并且我一直在学习努力提高，但是我觉得以上我写的东西会帮助任何需要帮助的人。
你要清醒的认识到你无法改变任何东西。我想我们知道的只是在众多层次中的一种，但是我们所做的事物的方式以及行为将会接触到最低层的真理。我们不能改变宇宙万物，然而我们似乎希望我们有这种可能性。期望的并不会象想象的那样。你甚至不能以你在特定领域的影响力去控制所以的事物.你能影响事物但是更多的是它们能轻易的逃离。(有个人发生了意外他病了时间是上午五点钟，这属于突发事，等等）那些事情都会打乱你的生活惯例。首先第一步你得清楚的认识到将会发生什么.什么最不可能发生什么最可能发生。有些我们无法控制的事情它会影响我们生活的每个部分，我们必须必须得接受它们否则的话我们将会长期的遭受它们的不便。冥想一小会.
变的清醒一些。我提到的那些在上文中的步骤其它的章节也有，因为它们十分的重要。假如你没有清楚的认识到这些那么你不能真正的让它们留在你的脑海里.你必须得成为你思想的观察者，一个能自我测验的人。你要清楚的意识到你的不安，因此你才能每周做一些笔记用它来帮助你。每次你不安时给自己打一个比分。就这样-一直给自己打比分，然后不久你就会发现你会对你的挫折和愤怒的感悟会越来越明显。
深呼吸。当你感觉到你会变得不安或者说是挫折的时候，记住要深呼吸。在等一会。这是一个很重要的步骤因此借助这点时间你才会冷静下来从而可以继续去做你清单上未完成的其它事情。努力通过自身去练习你就会有一个很好的准备。
取得美好的前景。这一条经常帮助我。我会因为某些烦心事的发生而生气--我的汽车抛锚了。我的孩子弄坏了我的微波炉--然后我就做一个深呼吸，并且会退一步去想。你知道你在看电影或者是在拍照的时候你之前能看到屏幕上多少其它的事物然后我就会平静下来。它是怎么样拍下巨大的外景以及全貌景色。那就是我的心灵的窗户。我开始放大景色直到我离景物很远很远。然后无论发生什么那将是不重要的。一年有一年一天又一天，生活中的那些琐事再也无法引起我的不安的情绪。没有人在会去关心这些甚至包括你。所以无论什么让你焦躁不安就让它去把,那样过后它就不是什么大问题了。
练习。这一点很重要，因为万事开头难。当你刚开始学习读写练习，或者说是刚学开车时，谁能保证你刚一开始就能学好吗。你可能会受到失败的困扰。那很正常--这只是迈向成功的一部分。坚持锻炼你将会感受到。某天你可能成为一个zen大师而且会告诉你的客人你向zenhabit学的东西
基础阶段。沿着同样的路线，一步一步慢慢来。不要想着你一夜之间就成为一个大师。不要直想着能一口气把一件大事迅速完成--刚开始你只能一点一点慢慢来。因此通过那些细节能引导你慢慢跟随慢慢改
变首先集中精力在比分上（上文所提到)。然后在是呼吸。再次就是在你深呼吸以后试着看看事情的发展前形。然后你就有可能找到适合你的方式.首先--当你发现在工作中的困难比接受你孩子带来的烦恼更加轻松。举个例子就象你刚开始工作的那会
笑声。它会有助于我以一种乐观的态度去看待事物，甚至说是挫折。假如说是汽车在半路抛锚然后我没有电话并且已经感到疲倦我该怎么办？大声嘲笑着自己过失。嘲笑着那些荒唐的规定。那样的话你有可能取得一定的归属感。---假如以上你做了对自己的一些规定但是有些情况却没有在你规定的范围内那时你可以大声的嘲笑.那时你会发现暂时的原离也是一件很好的事情。假如你能学会去嘲笑你长久以来发生的众多事物，那么继续嘲笑它们吧即使你认为没有那么的好笑--而且这些事情最有可能变成令人愉悦的事物。
坚持旅行。事实上这是最有效的方法之一。某天，试着回忆你的比分--并且那时记录下你所遇到的所有情形。为什么你会变得焦躁不安？那些事情你得尽全力去做？我是否要工作，为什么不做不行？下一个时间段你将会做什么？经过这样的回想以及测试你就能领会这样的一个过程。
冥想。假如你不喜欢坚持旅行，至少每天在你的脑海里想一遍你所做的事情。做一些苦思冥想的事情，或者沐浴，或者来一杯热茶，然后你就这样放松自己做个测试检察你的一天所做的。不要惹上麻烦--你 已经学过这一点。做个深呼吸，或者洞察每个情况，试着去体会做为一个旁观者。这种形式的温习会帮助你加深对这个过程的理解。
意识到你不能改变一切。哈，一个巨大的改变。我们会因为别人惹尚麻烦。可能是我们的同事或者说是老板，也许是我们的母亲或者是我们的朋友。但是他们的行为只是处于个人的情感，并不会象我们所期待的那样。我们不能控制他们这一点我们必须的接受，无论他们是谁或是做了什么我们都得接受。想做到这一点并不容易，但是要达到这一点我们得不断的去练习。
接受改变和不完美。当我们按照自己的方式去做事情的时候，我们通常不需要他们为我们去改变。然而他们却变了。这是事实。我们不能让事情朝着我们所期待的那样去发展--相反的去接受它们本来的面目却是比较容易的。我们做为这个世界的一小部分接受这个世界不停的转变那也是比较容易的。燃而，期待着事物去接近完美那是件困难的事情（因为连我们都不知道完美到底是什么）。我们应该去接受它们的不完美性并且努力的用更好去代替。
随着不断的流动去享受生活，噪音和美丽。你能记住我们上文所论及的完美一词吗？事实上这是一个非常有意思的话题。难道完美只是存留在我们脑海里的一种理念吗？我们究竟有没有一种让世界都跟随我们的想法发展的一种想法吗？因为那是根本不可能的事情。相反的，试着用一种几乎完美的方式去看这个世界又会怎么样。那真是太糟糕了，杂乱无章，痛苦，悲伤，肮脏充斥着这个世界。。。最终完美。这个世界就象它原来的那样。生命不是静止的而是不断流动的，永远不会停留在同一个画面，一直保持着杂乱和吵闹，一直保持着美丽。假如我们以一种几乎完美的态度去看待一切那么围绕在我们周围的永远是美丽的。
所以我接受噪音，但我不确定每个人都赞同我的看法--Bob Dylan