Ready for your big, exciting first date tonight? Let me help: 90 percent of all dates fail to lead to long term relationships. I can attest to this and the implication is clear: we must bring back arranged marriages.
Until that happens, there is a more somber conclusion: Nine out of ten times someone has to say the words, “Listen, I think we need to talk…”
“Dumped,” “blown off,” “told to hit the road,” “given the heave ho”… you'd never guess from the language that being rejected can possibly carry a painful, demoralizing sting.
For example, I have a receding hairline. The potential online date who asked to see a picture of me stated that she had a “hair thing” (insert your own merkin joke here) and so it was no surprise that she wrote back, declining. Her exact phrasing was “I've decided to go in another direction.”
It wasn't painful because it was just too stupid. “Another direction.” What, like, with women? North to Alaska? Living in Los Angeles, I recognized the evasive patois of the development executive. I might as well have gotten, “I already have several scalp projects in the pipe.”
However, she understood a basic rule of decency in dating. When you recognize it isn't going to work, you are obliged to pull the trigger.
Unless you're a complete jackass or a reality show producer, nobody wants to inflict pain. But try as you might, each method of breaking up has its pitfall.
- Sending an email. Pitfall: There is an inherent wiener-ness to this approach as you cower behind the safety of your firewall. Moreover, it takes such little effort that it smacks of indifference. As in: "Dear Susan, although I :-) meeting you, I think we'd be a :-( match."
- Sending an actual letter. Pitfall: It is too dramatic and provides the other with handwriting and DNA samples. Plus have you seen the cost of stamps?
- Saying it face-to-face. Pitfall: Timing it for the least awkwardness that follows.
- "I think we should stop seeing each other."
- "That's great. The rest of the weekend here in this secluded cabin should be fantastic."
- Making the phone call. Pitfall: You must be prepared for a range of responses, rated here on a scale of 10 for desirability:
“I understand and I thank you for being so honest.” (click, dial tone) (10)
“Yeah, well you're no prize yourself, nutcase.” (6)
Or the other approach… “I'll tell her after we finish having the best sex of her life.” (minus 3,000,000,000)
But the next time someone clucks thoughtfully, “Hey, it's just as painful to be the reject-or as it is to be the reject-ee,” whack his or her thumb with a hammer and see who hurts more. When someone stands up, kisses you lightly on the cheek and walks out of your life, you are having a moment no reality show can capture. You have been voted on and the results are not favorable. No amount of vodka makes that better.
译文:
等等，你的意思是我们不结婚了？
你正在为今晚特殊的首次约会做准备吗？一定很兴奋吧。让我来告诉你：90%的约会都无法持续很久。我可以为此作证，而这也清楚地意味着：我们要找回包办婚姻的时代。
在那之前，人们得出了一个更令人郁闷的结论：10次中有9次，有人会说：“听我说，我觉得我们需要谈一谈。。。”
“被甩了”“吹了”“让你走开”“被拒绝了”。。。从这些语句中，你永远也想不到被拒绝的话语可能会使人感到痛苦或受伤。
举个例子来说，我的头发脱落得很厉害。一次我在网上约会，对方在看了我的照片之后表示她有“假发”（此处假发乃妓女用于遮掩梅毒等的工具），所以她回绝了我，这一点都不让人惊讶。她的确切表述是“我决定重新开始，寻找新的方向。”
这样的话并不让我感到痛苦，因为这实在是太愚蠢可笑了。“新的方向”，和女人谈恋爱吗？还是往北走去阿拉斯加？住在洛杉矶，我知道发展执行员含糊其辞的方言。我也可以说“我正在研究几项有关头皮的项目。”
然而，她懂得如何在约会时保持体面礼貌。当你认为那没有用时，你不得不扣动扳机。
除非你是一个彻头彻尾的傻瓜，或者是一真人秀的制片人，否则没有人想徒增烦恼和痛苦。但是你可以尽可能地尝试一下，每一种分手的方式里都有其本身的诱惑。
* 发送邮件.诱惑：使用这种方法，你可以安全地躲在你的防火墙后面，你是一个天生的命根子主义者。而且，用不了多大努力，它就使其带上了些许漠不关心的味道。如：“亲爱的Susan,虽然我:-) 看到你，但是我认为我们是 :-( 的一对。”
* 寄信。诱惑：很有戏剧性，给对方提供了你的手写样式以及DNA样本。另外，你看到花在邮票上的成本了吗？
* 面对面地谈。诱惑：能够及时制止接下来你会表现出的笨拙。
* “我认为我们不要再见面了。”
* “那太好了，在这个幽静的小木屋里剩下的几个礼拜将是很迷人的。”
* 打电话。诱惑：你必须为一系列的回答做好准备，以下是一些回答（10为最佳）：
“我明白，也感谢你如此坦诚。”（10）
“好，你不会为此而自豪的，疯子。”（6）
或者另一种方法。。。“在我和她完成了她此生中最棒的一次性生活之后，我会告诉她."(负3000000000）
但是下一次就会有人若有所思地笑笑：”嘿，其实拒绝者和被拒绝者是同样痛苦的。”用锤子敲打他或她的大拇指，看看谁会更受伤。当某个人站在你面前，轻轻地亲了你的脸颊，从此走出你的生活，那一刻，没有什么真人秀可以模仿。你表决了，只不过结局不是你想要的而已。伏特加也无法使你更好受。