Last year your daughter was so sweet. This year, suddenly, she has an “attitude.”
Two months ago your son was your best bud. Now he treats you like you're totally “uncool.”
Welcome to parenting a teenager.
Throw out any of those child-rearing manuals you've used in the past. For this age, you need a whole new perspective. Mark Twain offered one solution: “Put them in a barrel, and nail it shut until they turn nineteen. Only then should you let them out.” Amen!
Here are a few more realistic (and legal) tips that might help you save your sanity and stay connected to your teen:
Know they're a little bit crazy. If you think you suddenly have an alien in your midst, applaud yourself. You're right. At no other time in your teen's life will his body undergo so many physical, sexual and emotional changes. So now's the time to alter your parenting style.
Get educated.You've read all those baby books and mastered child development 101. Make sure you read about normal teen development as well.
Use “too” as a worry index. Your teen will sometimes be moody, defiant, lazy, sleepy, and secretive. But get concerned when he bcomes too moody for too long. Or too defiant for too long. Something else may be contributing to this new behavior (drugs? alcohol? depression?) and it may be time to seek professional help. Go with your instinct.
Don't overreact. You're not imagining those mood swings. Your teen's quick-fire emotion switches show up on brain scans. They experience feelings more intensely and often overreact because they think we're upset or angry. Try counting to three before you talk. Stay calm. Lower your voice. Clarify emotions. Or take a time out. Then reconnect. Don't take it personally.
Pick your battles. Teens will be more defiant and will take issue with things they don't consider fair. They will argue. In a few years, they're going to be out on their own and their need to be independent or at least treated as an adult are paramount.
Choose what is not negotiable. You don't want to argue every little issue so select those issues you really do care about and won't change. Let minor issues go. For instance, obeying curfew is your major; cleaning her room is your minor.
Empower your teen. Whenever appropriate (and whenever you're willing to accept his verdict), ask his opinion (i.e., “What should happen if you break curfew?")
Tune up your communication skills. Whenever a teen starts to talk, stop what you're doing. Use eye contact. It helps your teen know you're focusing on him. (Put the phone on voice mail and forget the laundry.) Don't talk on longer than one minute. Don't stand when you're talking. If there's a void, don't jump in to fill the silence. (Wait three seconds.) Talk to him while he's doing something active. Talk to him when he's not tired. (A teen's least receptive time: first thing in the morning. The second worst time: right after school.) Halt the criticism. (Coming off like a prosecutor is guaranteed to turn off a teen.) Whenever you feel a judgmental comment coming on, replace it with: “Tell me more. What makes you say that?" Count to two before responding. Or just bite your tongue. Talk about your teen's interests. Use technology. (Let her teach you how to text message.)
Don't give up. If you need to communicate via a white board or post-its, do it! Keep showing up and letting your teen know you're there for him. Remember, in just a few years that teen will be gone.
In my next post, I'll tell you how to respond if your teen gets in your face or says, "I hate you!"
(And let me know what's working for you. Share your ideas.)
Michele Borba
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them.
What's this?
译文:
如果孩子开始跟你做对，该怎么办？
去年你的女儿还很甜蜜可人。今年，她突然有了一种“态度”。
两个月以前，你儿子还是你最好的死党。现在他觉得你一点都“不酷”。
你要教育一个十几岁的孩子，祝贺你。
扔掉你以前用过的所有育儿指南吧。你需要用一种全新的观点来教育这个年龄段的孩子。马克吐温曾提供过一个解决办法：“把他们装在桶里，用钉子钉牢，让他们在里面一直长到19岁。只有到了那个时候你才能把他们放出来。”阿门！
以下是一些更实际（也更合法）的方式，可能会让你不必劳心劳神，又能与孩子保持联系。
知道他们有点疯狂。如果你认为你身边突然出现了一个外星人，那么为自己鼓掌吧。你是对的。孩子十几岁的时候，他的身体就是要经受如此多的生理、性别和情绪变化。所以现在正是时候改变你的育儿方式。
学习。你已经读过那些婴儿手册，也掌握了儿童成长101法则。还要确保你读过关于一般十几岁孩子如何成长的资料。
状态“太过”严重，即该引起关注。你十几岁的孩子有时会喜怒无常、叛逆、懒惰、且遮遮掩掩。但是如果他情绪化时间过长，或者是叛逆持续过久，就要引起注意了。这种新行为可能由其他事物引起的（可能是毒品、酒精、抑郁？），这时候可能需要去寻求专业帮助。根据你的本意去做吧。
不要反应过度。你不能想象孩子的情绪起伏。你的孩子快速多变的情绪是大脑扫描的结果。他们经历更强烈的感觉，而且经常因为认定我们不高兴或生气，而反应过度。在你说话前，请先数到三。保持冷静。降低音量。理清感情。或者出去走走。然后重新建立关系。不要把此作为私人之事。
选好事情再争论。十几岁的孩子会更叛逆，而且会就自己认为不够公平的事与你论。他们会与你争执不休。再过几年，他们会走出家门，所以他们需要独立，或至少把他们作为成熟的人对待，这至关重要。
选择不需协商的事情。你不想在每件小事上都争论不休吧，那么就选出你真正关心的那些事，然后坚持不变。那些小事，随它去吧。例如，你觉得按时关灯睡觉是大事；打扫房间就是小事了。
授权给孩子。不论时间是否合适（而且不论你是否想要接受他的决定），都要问他的意见（比如，“如果你不按时睡觉会怎样呢？”）
提高你的沟通能力。不论孩子合适开始说话，你都应该停下手头的事听他说话。注意眼神接触。这让孩子知道，你在关注他。（把电话调到语音信箱，忘了洗衣服的事吧。）你说话不要超过一分钟。说话的时候不要站起来。如果对话突然冷场，也不要跳起来填补安静。（等上三秒。）当他做了积极的事时，要跟他交谈。在他还不疲倦的时候跟他说话。（十几岁的孩子最不能接受的时间：早上刚刚起床。仅次于此的时间：刚刚放学后）不要批评孩子。（如果你表现的像个起诉人，一定会让孩子厌烦。）不论何时，只要你觉得要做出一个判决意见，可换成这种说法：“跟我说详细点。你这么说是因为什么？”在回答前，数到二。或者咬一下舌头。说说孩子感兴趣的事。要使用一些技巧。（让她教你如何发短信。）
不要放弃。如果你需要通过白板或者便条才能交流，那么就这么做吧！一直在孩子身边出现，并让他知道你为他而来。记住，用不了几年，孩子就要离开你身边了。
我会在下一篇文章中告诉你如果孩子走到你面前或对你说“我恨你！”，你该如何反应。
（也让我知道你是如何应对这种情况的。请分享你的想法。）
米歇尔•伯拔