Do you wonder if you can call any place home? You might belong to the nation of soul seekers.
“Where is your Russian-ness, Katia?” an ex-boyfriend once accused me while visiting me in Amsterdam.
His remark was provoked by the fact that I didn’t offer him a whole cooked dinner - only a cup of tea with a cookie.
I wasn’t happy about his remark but I did start to think about my Russian-ness later, when I saw a program on Russia on the television.
The presenter of the program described Russian people as the nation of soul seekers, who dwell upon questions about existence even when there is no food in the house.
I was sad about the fact that some of my Russian roots seem to have gone to the wind, especially when the criticism came from a man with whom I used to have vivid fights about democracy in Russia.
“You don’t know the meaning of democracy in the Western world! And stop talking about my country in such a bad way,” I would shout at him, even ready to defend the image of my country in a physical way.
Keep On Keepin’ On
There seems to be little research on ‘soul-seekers’ - those who leave their country with no precise idea as to where the journey will take them.
Nowadays, however, when someone asks me about the politics in Russia, I simply smile in an English elusive sweet way (I am in the UK now) and say something like: “Or you know, we always manage.”
There are a lot of articles about expats and research being done on those who leave their country in order to return afterwards. There are also a lot of articles and books about immigrants, those who leave their country for good.
But there seems to be little research on so-called ‘soul-seekers’ - those who leave their country with no precise idea as to where the journey will take them.
My friend from Italy is a perfect example of a ‘soul-seeker’. We met while studying in Belgium, she from Italy, me from Russia, and we both traveled to different countries afterwards. Margerita went to Russia, I went to the Netherlands.
For a while, Margerita stayed in the Netherlands, while I returned to Belgium, and I remember what she told me on one occasion: “I don’t know what is worse, to live in total misery or not knowing where you belong.”
No End In Sight
On a TV program in Russia, one man described how my people have always managed to live under extremely difficult conditions. He said:
“Here in Russia, we have life and daily survival. Life is about discovery, when you read, or write, or listen to music or just try to answer the questions about existence and the world around you. And daily survival is the job, the cleaning, metro, sleep. Here in Russia most people prefer to live.”
I would apply his description to the nation of soul-seekers, and all those who go for the discovery of wonder.
It happened to me. Never in my early life did I imagine I would leave Russia at the age of nineteen and change four countries of residence in eleven years.
I became a strange Russian-European hybrid. I have nostalgia for four different places and don’t feel one hundred percent happy in any of them, because I miss the other three.
I am simply between countries, cultures, friends, jobs and languages and am not sure whether I will ever settle in any of the places I visit. Travel is like an addiction.
I know that there are more and more people like me. They go to discover the world but realize at some point that they don’t know where they belong anymore.
Your own culture back at home may simply be not enough once you return. And so you travel again and again and again. Until you find your better half or reach retirement.
Frankly I am not sure what is more likely to happen, as I’m not married nor am I entitled to a retirement yet.
Do you ever feel like you don’t belong anywhere? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Ekaterina Petrovna's current goal in life is to become a Porcupine. In the animal spirit world this animal represents rediscovery of wonder and trust in the Great spirit. She has a degree in interpreting and speaks 4 languages. In her spare time Ekaterina writes, reads Tarot cards, dances like crazy, laughs, and tries to make this world a better place to live.
译文:
发现隐藏着的民族———灵魂探索者
你有想过你可以称任何一个地方为家吗？你也许属于灵魂探索者的这个群体。
Photo by Wazari
“你的俄罗斯品格哪里去了，玛格丽特？”我的前男友在阿姆斯特丹拜访我的时候责备我。
因为我没有准备像样的晚餐招待他---仅仅用一杯茶和一包曲奇饼将他打发了，他被惹恼了，所以说了那句话。
虽然我很不高兴他这样说我，过后，关于我的俄罗斯品格，我还是好好地琢磨了一番。
节目主持人将俄罗斯人描述成灵魂的探索者，纵使食不果腹仍在死死探究问题的本质的人。
似乎我的俄罗斯品格已经消失得无影无踪了，我觉得有些伤感和失落，特别是受他批评的时候，过去的我们还常常兴致勃勃得谈论俄罗斯的民主制度。
“你对西方的民主制度简直是一窍不通！别再用这样的方式谈论我的祖国，”我本想对他大发雷霆，甚至准备用身体来捍卫祖国在我心目中的形象。
坚持再坚持。
对“灵魂探索者”的研究似乎很少，他们怀着迷惘的心情开祖国，对前途一无所知。
但是，在今天，当人们问我有关俄罗斯政治的问题的时候，我仅仅如一个英国人般，令人琢磨不透的，甜甜的微笑着（我现在住在英国），然后说一些诸如此类的话：“你知道的，我们总是能成功的。”
有很多文章涉及那些亡命国外的人，大量的研究也已开展，研究关于那些离开祖国后来又想回归的人。
但是对“灵魂的探索者”——那些怀着迷惘的心里开祖国而且对前途一无所知的人，研究工作似乎做得很少。
我的意大利朋友就是“灵魂探索者”的完美典范。我们相遇于比利时，她来自意大利而我来自于俄罗斯，最后我们到了两个不同的国家。玛格丽塔去了俄罗斯，而我去了荷兰。
有一段时间，玛格丽特呆在荷兰，而我又回到了比利时，我仍然记得当时她和我说话的场景：“我不知道还有什么比前往居住在一个令人极端痛苦，而且不知道自己属于何处的地方更糟糕的了。”
看不到尽头。
在一个俄罗斯的电视节目里，一个人这样描述我们的民族——他们总是能在极端恶劣的条件下生存下去。他说：“在俄罗斯，我们有生活和生存之分。生活是是探索和发现，如阅读，书写，听音乐，或是仅仅试着回答那些关于你周围世界的本质问题。而生存就是工作，打扫，乘车，睡觉。然而在俄罗斯，很多人喜欢生活。
我将将他的描述运用到灵魂探索者这个群体身上，运用到那些探索奇迹的人们的身上。
这样的事情确实在我的身上发生了。年幼的我从来不曾想到，我会在19岁的时候离开俄罗斯，然后在11年的时间里辗转颠簸于三个不同的国家。
我渐渐成为一个奇怪的欧洲和俄罗斯的混血儿。我深深的怀念这四个国家，但是无论在其中的任何一个国家生活，我从来没有真正的开心过，因为我总是想念其他三个国家。
我机械地在国家，文化，朋友，工作还有语言之间穿梭，自己将在哪个国家定居的想法摇摆不定。旅行正如上瘾一般，欲罢不能。
我知道越来越多的人和我一样，他们去探索新的世界，同时某种程度上也意识到，他们不知道自己的归宿。
你自己的文化在你回到祖国以后已经不够用了。因此，你行走，行走，再行走，直到你发现你最好半隐半退的时候才停下来。
坦白的说，我不知道将来会发生什么事情，因为我没有结婚，也不可能完全退休。
你曾经感觉不知道自己属于哪里吗？也许你可以在下面的文章里找到同感。
叶卡捷琳娜 彼得罗夫娜近期的生活目标是成为一只箭猪。在动物的精神世界里，这种动物象征着对未知世界永不停止的探索，它们相信伟大的精神。她拥有口译学位，可以说4种语言。闲暇时间里，彼得罗夫娜写作，看塔罗牌 ，疯狂地跳舞，尽情地笑，尽力使她正生活着的世界变得更美好。