Sometimes one of the kids - okay usually Harry - will do something to Pippi - say, for example, kick her in the leg. When she screams that he kicked her in the leg he will say "I didn't mean to."
That may technically be true. But if she is standing in front of him and he swings his leg out in a kicking type of motion there is a certain expectation that his leg might connect with her - and therefore she would be kicked by him. (This can translate to any number of actions that little brothers can commit against big sisters.)
So my question to him at that point is "Did you try NOT to?"
Because the way I see it it's not enough to say you didn't mean for the bad thing to happen - you also have to be trying NOT to do that bad thing. Or maybe even trying to do something good. This works from everything like being nice to your sister to driving a car. "I didn't mean to hit that other car" is all well and good - but can you say you were doing your best to NOT hit it? Hopefully yes - but isn't that the bigger question.
The corollary to that is that although we want to always forgive transgressions doing something bad and following it up with puppy dog eyes and "I'm sorry," isn't really sufficient. An example of what I mean.
Me: Harry go put your shoes on so we can leave for church
Harry disappears into his room - where presumable shoes are being put on his feet.
Me (five minutes later opening his door and seeing him reading a comic book - no shoes on feet): Why didn't you put your shoes on? We have to leave for church.
Harry (with puppy dog eyes): Oh. I'm sorry. I forgot. (the fact that he will grow up to be the absent-minded professor is the subject for another post.)
Repeat scenario with any number of variations throughout the day and suddenly "I'm sorry" doesn't seem like enough. You have to TRY to be good in the first place - not just say a magic word afterwards.
He's eight. He'll learn.
But do we grown-ups sometimes do that too? When we say "I didn' t mean to" can we honestly say "And I wasn't trying to"? Do we say "I'm sorry" as a way of covering up for any transgression we might commit - without going to any great lengths to not make those transgressions in the first place. Do we say "I'm just being honest" or "blunt" and figure that will forgive all hurts imposed?
So for today I'll try to remember the lesson I try to teach Harry: It's not enough to not intend to do something bad - you have to be trying NOT to do something bad - in fact maybe even trying to do something good.
译文:
“我不是有意的。对不起”
有时候众多儿童中的一个-好通常掠夺了良好意愿。比如说哈利踢了皮皮一脚。当她尖叫到哈利踢了他一脚，哈利会说到“我不是有意的。”
这在学术上可以说是真的。但是如果她站在他面前，哈利把他的腿摆成一副要踢人的动作，那么我们可能将会看到他们的腿连在了一起-因此，皮皮会被哈利踢到。（这可以理解成许多涉及到小弟弟招惹大姐姐的行为的情况。）
因此我的问题对他在那一点的做法是“你试图没有去做吗？”
因为我对这件事情的看法是，你说对那件事情的发生你并不是有意的，这种说法是远远不足以使不好的事情发生-你同时也应该试图不去使那件不好的事情发生。或者试图去做点好的事情。这就像你妹妹开车这件好事情一样。“我不是有意去撞那辆车的”是多么的完美-但是你能说你是在试图不去撞它吗?希望答案是肯定的-但是那不是更大的问题。
推论是这样的，虽然我们总是原谅犯罪所做的一些坏事情，紧跟在后面一以小狗样的眼神说到“不好意思。”远远不足够。例如我的意思是。
我说到：哈利把你的鞋子穿上因此我们可以到教堂里去。
哈利飞快的跑到他的房间里去-假设他在哪里已经把鞋子穿好了。
我（5分钟后打开他的房门，看见他正在读一本漫画书-并没有穿上鞋子）：为什么不把你的鞋子穿上？我们必须到教堂去。
哈利（像小狗一样的眼神）：哦，不好意思。我忘了。（事实上他长大成为不专心的教授是由于别的原因造成的。）
全天重复着同样的大量变更，重复着同样的情节，“对不起”根本上就不足够。首先你必须表现得好一些-不要事后说那神奇的字。
他8岁了。他会学会的。
但是我们成年人也做同样的事情吗？当我们说“我不是有意的”我们能坦白的说“我并没有试图那样去做”？难道我们能把说“对不起”作为掩盖我们可能犯的过错并且没有把那些错误放在首位吗。我们说“我只是坦白而已”或者“直言不讳”而且试图弄清它是否能原谅所有的有意的伤害？
因此今天我试图去记住我试图交给哈利的课。不是有意去做一件坏事是不足够的-你必须试图去不做那些不好的事情-事实上是试图去做一些好的事情。