Some people can talk about their hemorrhoids with total strangers, but they clam up when it comes to money talks with their spouse. Often, one person feels attacked, and then the blame game starts. Soon, regular financial discussions dwindle, and the situation gets worse. The solution is letting go of past fights and agreeing to get on the same page. Pointing fingers and criticism don’t accomplish anything.
Set aside time on a regular basis to talk about your budget. These talks aren’t reserved for when something goes wrong. This should be a mutually scheduled time so there aren’t any distractions. Talk about ways to cut costs, upcoming expenses, shared goals and creating a game plan to make the most of your money. Easier said than done? It’s teamwork.
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK: When discussions get heated, couples tend to say whatever falls out of their mouths. Learn to avoid saying everything that comes to mind. This isn’t biting your tongue or holding back. This is kindness and believing your spouse has the very best of intentions. It’s accepting the possibility that you might be too controlling or critical.
KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY: Arguments take two people. Learn to recognize when a situation is going downhill and know when to take an adult time-out. Continue the conversation when it’s less tense. Diffuse a bad moment and improve it by acknowledging your spouse for his or her efforts and by sharing your determination to make things work. This includes negotiating and compromising, which is nearly impossible if each person is trying to prove he or she is right. It might take time, but it can and will happen if you continue to work on it when you’re both open to sorting out the details.
KEEP EACH OTHER INFORMED: In a relationship, one person might handle the money, but that doesn’t mean the other person shouldn’t be aware of the finances, too. You can’t work toward shared goals if one person is in the dark. Some might feel as if they need permission before spending. This is a topic for your regular money talks. Maybe each of you can have an “allowance” that you can spend without handing over receipts. In my home, we agree that any purchase over $20 is shared. We’re both able to see our bank accounts online, so I don’t have to show a receipt for a pack of gum, but we consult each other before making larger purchases. It’s respecting that we have an equal say in where our money goes.
SEEKING HELP: Sometimes, one person in the marriage won’t get on board. It’s hurtful and frustrating. Many turn to financial advisers for help. Consider marriage counseling, too. You might discover the root of the problem doesn’t lie with the amount of money available or how and where it’s spent. Understand that even after counseling, you’re bound to have financial disagreements, but you’ll be able to differentiate relationship problems from money problems, narrow your differences and work together to make progress.
Post from: Frugal Village
How to mix love and money
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译文:
如何合成爱情和金钱
有些人可以和完全陌生的人谈论他们的痔疮，和配偶却绝口不提钱的事。一个人常常感到被攻击了，责备游戏就此开始。不久，定期的经济讨论越来越少，情况也随之越来越糟。解决方法就是让过去的战争随风而去，大家统一战线。职责和批评都无济于事。
定期留出时间商榷你们的预算。当情况变糟的时候就别这么做了。这应该是双方互相拟定的时间，所以不能分心。商量减少开销的对策，即将付出的费用，共同目标，制定用钱的最佳计划。说总比做容易，不是吗？这是团队工作。
话说出口前先想想：当讨论如火如荼的时候，夫妻俩经常变得口没遮拦。学着别想到什么就说什么。这不是说要你咬着自己舌头不放。这是说要善解人意，相信你的配偶动机是好的。你的自控和评价是可以接受的。
要知道什么时候该走开：一个巴掌拍不响，吵架是两个人的事。学着洞察情况的变化，知道什么时候该成熟地暂停。当气氛缓和了再继续你们的对话。承认你配偶的努力，也要把你的决心和他或她分享，好让一切顺利进行，也可以把僵持的情况缓和下来。这包括商讨和妥协，不过要是双方都力争自己是正确的，这就行不通了。这需要时间，但是一旦你们双方都敞开心扉讨论细节的时候，就可以，也将会奏效了。
有事要通知另一方：在一段关系中，一方掌管经济大权，但这不是说另一方就没权过问家里的经济情况。要是另一方被蒙在鼓里，你也不可能达到共同目标。这应该是你们日常经济对话的话题。也许你们可以有一份不需要收据的津贴。在我们家，超过20美元的东西就要大家一起分担。我们都可以在网上看到我们的银行帐户，所以我不需要把买口香糖的收据拿给她看，但是我们在购入大件物品前都会商量。关系到我们对钱的流向有公平的发言权。
寻求帮助：有时候，婚姻中的一个人不会单独行动。这是有害的，也是让人沮丧的。很多人向经济专家寻求帮助。也就像婚姻咨询服务那种。你可能会发现问题的根源不在女人能用的钱，也不在怎么花，花在哪里。咨询以后你会明白，你肯定会对经济有异议，但你得区分关系问题和金钱问题，把分歧缩小，共同奋斗共同进步。