As a mother of three fabulous boys aged 19 years, 12 years and 10 years of age I recently felt inspired to invite the lovely Vanessa (who writes a parenting blog from a teens perspective) to share with us her expertise in relation to teenage stress.
I just know you will love her insightful article. Thank you, Vanessa. You rock.
” How can my teenager be so stressed…..he/she doesn’t have any teenagers!”
Its hard to understand how teens can be so stressed compared to many adult issues like paying bills, caring for elderly parents, financial security and jobs, but for teens their issues also seem just as serious, permanent and intimidating. This concept leads me to my first piece of advice for helping your teen be less stressed out!
- Nothing is relative:
You know when you are talking to a friend about something you are stressed out about—like a busy workday and as soon as your finished talking (or even before that), your friend is like, ‘well my day was even worse than that!’ Then they go on to tell you how their day was more stressful. It feels like they are belittling your bad day and it doesn’t make you feel any better that you both had bad days. This is the same for teens but to a much larger extent. When we are venting to you or talking to you, and then parents say things like: “You don’t even have to worry about paying your bills!” or “Well, everyone else seems to be doing fine!” or “Your sister did not have trouble with that ___.” This not only makes teens feel alienated from you, but it makes them feel bad about having those feelings.
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Tip: When your teen starts talking to you, let them know you are listening by repeating their points and empathizing with them. It is a common misconception that re-emphasizing a bad feeling encourages it. I think with teens it is the opposite, when my mom said things like “oh, that’s horrible and so unfair” it made me feel heard and understood so that I could then work it out. When she said, ‘oh its not that big of a deal, you will forget about it tomorrow” I was mad that she didn’t understand my plight and would continue to fester on the issue, unable to move on.
- Its Forever:
Somehow, when I got in a fight with friends or a boyfriend when I was in high school it literally felt like the end of my world. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I talk to teens about issues they are having, to them there is nothing else going on, it will never change and there is no tomorrow. Ok, I am over-emphasizing the point a bit, but you get it, teenagers get so stressed out because it is more difficult to think long term and everything feels like it will last forever.
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Tip: Avoid the temptation to try to put their issues in context by saying that it won’t mater in ten years, or so-and-so will get over it eventually, these kinds of comments only make teens feel more alone in their feelings of frustration. What can be helpful is pointing out similar situations they had in the past or that you had in the past where something overwhelming, unexpectedly got better quickly. This way you are not belittling their feelings or ‘correcting’ their feelings, but just brining up a relevant situation that has a better memory or ending.
- Super Superlatives:
“It was the worst day at school!” “This is the most homework I have ever had” “She is my best friend in the world!” Any of these sound familiar? I call this the super superlative syndrome. There is very little grey area in the teen mind and similar to the idea of permanence above, be aware of the use of superlatives in your teens lingo. This causes a lot of stress for teens because when they have a lot of homework, a big soccer game or a dance this weekend, it all feels like a very big deal…in fact the biggest deal, ever, ever, ever!
Tip: I think it is important to explain this to your teen in a calm moment. I always explain it to the teens I work with because I think it is important for them to realize that not only do they do it themselves, but other teens do it too when describing situations. Teens tend to rile each other up with superlative sentences. Whenever I explain it to teens they always have a million stories (get it I overemphasized) about their friend who over-exaggerated the test/date/friendship/game. In fact, usually they are able to laugh at themselves and be more aware of the ‘degree’ or their stressful situations after I explain this principle.
- Time and Place:
We all have our moments of the day that are ‘trigger zones,’ my trigger zone is always right when I get home and I am trying to unload the car and de-stress from traffic (I live in Los Angeles). Everyone who knows me, knows to just stay out of my way at this point. Talk to your teen and figure out when they need space time versus support time. Maybe in the car on the way home you should just listen to music to let them unwind and then after dinner, talk to them about their day.
Tip: This is hard to explain, but at school we are running around all day, doing ‘school stuff’ when we finally get home, its like we actually get a chance to breathe and check-in with ourselves. This is usually when the verbal vomit stream comes out of all the feelings from the day. Let your teen have these moments, then later, you can maybe go in their room, rub their back, bring them a snack and talk to them. Usually, the unwinding part of the day is not the same part of the day that is best for bonding. Take this into consideration before trying to ‘solve’ their problems as they tell them to you.
Overall, teens do have more and more to stress out about with college pressure, dating at really young ages, pressure to have sex and do drugs at parties and even at school. There are a lot of similarities to when you were a teen, but remember they are facing different issues. If you show them you love and support them no matter what, this can be the best relief of pressure for a child.
译文:
减少青少年压力的四条建议
作为三个19岁，12岁和10岁出色的男孩子的母亲，最近我深受可爱的瓦内莎的启发（她是一名站在青少年角度讲述家长教育的博主），认为应该邀请她与我们分享她在关于青少年压力研究上的专业建议。
我认为你们一定会喜欢她这篇极富洞察力的文章。谢谢你，瓦内莎。你是最棒的。
“我的孩子怎么会压力这么大……他／她又没有进入青春期的孩子!”
支付各种费用,赡养老人,提供经济担保和工作--与诸如此类的问题相比,成人很难理解青少年怎么会感到如此大的压力。但对于青少年来说，他们面临的问题也一样严重，长久和令人畏惧。这种想法便引出了我对缓解青少年压力的第一条建议。
不要总是做对比：
大人们常在与朋友聊天时谈那些烦心事，比如工作了一天有多累等等。这时候朋友就会说：“啊，我可比你惨多了！”然后就开始滔滔不绝的讲他更压抑的一天。然而这种把别人的痛苦不屑一顾的做法并不能让双方的内心获得安慰。其实这在和我们十来岁的孩子们谈话时的道理是一样的。当我们找大人们发泄情绪或者谈话的时候，家长们一般都会说：“你们连交钱都不用操心！”要不就是“哎呀，你看别人都好好的！”“你姐姐可从来没有过这些问题。”说这些话不仅会让你的孩子与你疏远，更糟糕的是让他们对自己产生的想法感到很不安。
建议：当你的孩子向你倾诉的时候，重复叙述他们的观点，让孩子知道你在认真听。很多人有一种错误的认识，觉得重述一个坏想法就会助长这种想法的蔓延。但我觉得事实上恰恰相反。当我妈妈说“哇，太可怕了吧，这真不公平”的时候，我会有一种被理解的感觉，心里感到轻松多了。但如果她说“啊，这个没什么大不了的，明天你就会忘掉啦”，我会很生气，觉得她不能体会我的困境，然后就一直纠结那件事，迟迟不能释怀。
这是永远的：
不知怎么搞的，在高中的时候一和朋友或是男朋友吵架我就感觉像世界末日来临了一样，看不到路的尽头有什么希望。当我和其他孩子们谈他们面临的各种困难时，大家似乎都觉得日子没法继续下去了，生活一尘不变，没有什么盼头。我承认我有一点言过其实，但可以肯定的是，正是这种把事情看成会持久不变的想法使得青少年感到很大压力。
建议：要避免给他们遇到的问题做出像书本一样的回答，说什么十年之后这个问题就不是问题了，或者说你慢慢就会好的，这些话只会让孩子在挫败感中继续沉沦。正确的方法应该是指出孩子们或是自己曾经经历过的那些类似的状况，那些彷徨，以及后来出乎意料的境况的改善。这样你就不是在轻视他们的感觉或是“纠正”他们的想法，而是试着提起那些历经艰难最终胜利的辉煌回忆。
无敌夸张的言辞：
“这是我在学校里过的最糟糕的一天！”“这是我做过的最多的作业！”“她是我全世界最好的朋友！”这些话是不是听着很耳熟？我把这叫做无敌夸张综合症。就像刚才说的喜欢把事情想成永远一样，青少年是有这么一块灰色地带，作为家长，要对你孩子的这些夸张说法心中有数。孩子们作业很多，这就容易产生大量的压力。而一场足球赛或是周末的一场舞会就会让他们觉得是很大的事情，甚至是有史以来最大的事情。
建议：我认为选择一个恰当的时机把事情的厉害关系和孩子讲明是很重要的。我常与那些和我一起共事的孩子们解释，因为在我看来，让他们意识到不仅仅是他们会夸大事实，其他的人也会。孩子们用这些夸张的说法相互刺激。但是当我把这个将给他们听时，他们总会讲出十万个故事来圆（我有点夸张）来描述那些曾夸大其词的朋友的谎。事实上，只要告诉他们这个道理，之后他们一般都能相视一笑，对那些言辞的夸张程度心知肚明了。
关键的时间和地点：
我们每个人每天都有自己的“敏感时间”，比如我的敏感时间就是下班回来从拥堵的交通中摆脱出来，钻出汽车的时候（我住在洛杉矶）。认识我的人都知道，在那个点最好离我远点。向你的孩子了解一下他们在什么时候需要有个人空间。也许是你接他回家的路上，那么你就应该只听听音乐让孩子放松放松，吃完饭，再和他们了解一天的情况。
提示：这个好像很难理解，但是在学校我们东奔西跑一天了，都在忙学习的事。回了家以后，感觉终于可以松一口气给自己一点时间了，在这时谈话让我们感到反胃。让你的孩子们拥有一点自我的空间吧，也许过一会儿，你可以进屋摩挲着他们的背，给他们送些零食再和他们聊一聊。通常，一天之中孩子放松的时候并不是和家长沟通的最好时机。请在试图帮孩子解决问题之前考虑一下这点。
总的来说，青少年越来越让人感到担心：升学，早恋，性行为以及在聚会时甚至是学校吸毒。回忆起来，如今的大人们在少年时期也曾让人担心，只不过当时的遇到的问题不同而已。但大人们给予的无条件的爱和支持，将是孩子们最好的释压剂。