Antiheroes
by George Saunders
June 23, 2008 Single Page Keywords
Television; Superheroes; Superpowers; Writers; “Heroes”; “X-Men”; Telekinesis I just had a great idea for a TV show: People from all over the world begin to sense they have superpowers. One guy can fly. Another can walk through walls. A cheerleader is impervious to physical harm. A kid can move back and forth in time. You get the idea: normal people, sick and tired of living under constraint, are busting out, into a world without limits!
But here’s the twist: These people, who believe they have superpowers? They don’t. They never have and never will. There is no such thing as a superpower.
The guy who thinks he can fly? Jumps off his minivan and sprains his ankle. The one who can walk through walls? Tries to run through the living-room wall and breaks a photograph of his wife’s mother. His wife is really upset. The cheerleader impervious to physical harm throws herself down a flight of stairs, breaks her back, then lies there waiting for it to miraculously mend. But no. The cat steps over her. So much for cheerleading. The kid who thinks he can move back and forth through time decides to exit a math test early by time-transporting himself back to Mozart’s Vienna. He tries and tries, so hard that he finally farts really loudly in a wet double-burst. The other kids crack up. He tries to time-transport himself back to the instant before the fart, so he can withhold the fart, but no: he tries so hard, he farts again. The classroom just dissolves into uncontrollable laughter. Even the teacher drops her head to her desk, shoulders heaving.
A housewife who can cause objects to levitate destroys the family aquarium. An elderly woman whose superpower is that she can speak telepathically to animals gets bit by a squirrel. When, using her mind, she asks the squirrel why, it bites her again, then dashes up a tree. A stripper whose superpower is that she can read an entire book just by picking it up goes into a bookstore and keeps picking books up and putting them down, a quizzical look on her face, wearing a crop-top and spike heels. A nun in New Mexico whose superpower is the ability to make delicious bread using any ingredients on hand, even mud, even dead bugs, makes a loaf of bread that all the other nuns decline to eat.
“I actually just ate,” one says.
“Honestly, Sister, I have an upset stomach,” protests another.
A Virginia boy whose superpower is that he can throw a wad of paper into his trash can misses sixteen times in a row. Even when he goes right up to the can and drops the wad directly down, it hits the edge and drops into his gym shoe. Maybe that’s my superpower, he thinks: whenever I throw a wad of paper, it lands in my gym shoe. He throws a wad of paper out the door of his room, to see if it will boomerang back and land in one of his gym shoes. But no. His octogenarian grandfather is just then hobbling by and the wad of paper hits him in the side of the head. He is so old he doesn’t even notice, just keeps hobbling. His superpower is: he can make it to the bathroom on time whenever he likes.
from the issuecartoon banke-mail thisOn the outskirts of town, an aging balding bachelor’s superpower is: he can take a box of his mother’s precious stupid vintage glassware and hurl it down the basement stairs and not a single piece will break. Later in the day, as he waits for her to get home, his superpower is: when she comes in, he will make a Cloud of Forgetting form around her head. Or, failing that, a Cloud of Not Really Liking That Glassware Anyway, Sweetie. At this point, as her car pulls up, oh God, he would settle for the superpower of: can make his knees stop shaking under the table whenever he likes. Jesus, she’s going to absolutely smite him.
Her superpower is: can cause the front door to open using only her mind.
He hears her head slam into the closed door, as usual. Then, as usual, she swears under her breath, goes for her keys.
Down the block, more disappointment: Kenny Dennis stands outside the home of Amelia St. Laurent, trying to gaze through her bedroom wall. But no. All he can see is the wall. Then he gets stung by a wasp. He kills the wasp with his shoe. Then, ah, jeez, here comes Amelia herself, face all scrunched up, because she’s trying to burst into flame. But no. She’s only succeeding in giving herself a big migraine. And why the hell is Kenny Dennis standing there with his shoe in his hand? Just then an arrow enters Kenny’s hip, fired by Fred Lowry, whose superpower is: can fire an arrow in any direction whatsoever but still hit the bull’s-eye on a target set up over at the high school via directing the arrow’s course with his mind. Lowry’s hightailing it up the street, red-faced, bow under his arm, when he’s struck by an Omni driven by the blindfolded Leonard Metz, whose superpower is: has a tiny functioning eye in each fingertip.
Soon, in a plot twist, people begin losing even their normal abilities. A Japanese woman forgets how to speak Japanese. A Texas mother forgets how to chew, and that her kids are supposed to wear pants. Her husband also loses an essential ability he’s always had, which is: whenever he wants to have an affair, he just has it. It’s like he totally forgets he’s married. After these affairs, he manifests a secondary ability: forgets he’s had the affair, doesn’t feel the slightest bit guilty.
Today, he goes out, has an affair. But right in the middle he remembers he’s married. Lori’s a nice girl—why must he always do her wrong? Sexually, he performs not so great. His partner’s also sad. Her superpower is: whenever she has a sleazy affair, the guy’s always at least adequate in the sack.
When he gets home, Lori’s at the table, mouth full of chips. The kids are running around the yard in their underwear. What gives? No wonder he cheats on Lori.
Nothing, anywhere, is getting done. There’s great fear in the air. What fools we were, to take our basic abilities for granted! How wonderful life was, back when we still knew how to drive cars, button shirts, call for takeout, paint a series of watercolors depicting various views of our summer house, find our damn summer house in the first place.
The entire population of earth just stumbles around, slowly starving to death and/or perishing of thirst and/or dying of sunburn or of walking right up to and petting a tiger in the wild, and so forth: an absolute apocalypse of ineptitude.
In this way, my TV show is like life, where people’s abilities always fall short of their hopes and aspirations and the extent of their love. This will be great for ratings. It will make my show relatable.
The first season ends like this: We zoom down, into a lonely room. There sits a guy who has lost an ability he’s always had: can easily find a pithy way to end a comic piece of writing.
He’s been up all night revising the bastard, trying to find a decent ending, but nothing’s coming. His face is a contorted mask of desperation. We zoom in closer. His eyes are filled with utter insanity. It used to be so easy for him. How is he going to get out of this? How, how, how?
Wait. He’s got it! For sure! Holy cow, he’s done it! Not only has he come up with a killer ending; he’s broken the downward spiral of incompetence infecting all mankind! He’ll finish the piece, then rush out to tell the others, You can break free, as I have broken free with my miraculous ending! Yes, life is full of trouble, but we are walking miracles, able to rise above any—
Wait a second. That ending . . . actually, now that he thinks about it, it doesn’t exactly . . .
Yeah. Doesn’t make sense.
Unless he—
No. Still doesn’t work.
Crap.
He swears aloud, tears the page from his typewriter, is about to rip it into halves, then quarters, then eighths, and throw it into the air and laugh maniacally as it falls around him like snow. But then he realizes he’s forgotten how to tear paper, throw paper, or laugh maniacally.
He turns back to the typewriter.
“Woe is us,” he intends to type.
“Woas ass,” he types.
Then he bursts into tears, an ability that, apparently, is one of the last a human being ever loses. ♦
译文:
非英雄【纽约客】
作者乔治 桑德斯
写于2008，6.23日 单页关键词
电视，超级英雄，超能力；作家；英雄；超人
突发奇想，对电视节目我萌发了一个伟大的想法：全世界的人民都开始预感他们有超能力。这个人可以在天空飞翔，那个人可以在墙上自由行走。一个拉拉队队长可以免受身体伤害。一个小孩可以随意地穿越时空。试想一下：普通人，厌倦了受限制的活，大家都挣脱束缚，进入一个没有限制的世界。
但有个矛盾的地方：这些人真认为自己有超能力吗？不，他们不这样认为。他们也不具备这种能力以后也不会拥有。根本就不存在超能力这回事。
那个自认为能飞上天的家伙呢？他下自己的小货车，扭伤了膝盖。那个可以在墙上自由行走的人呢？他试着在起居室墙上穿行，不小心打碎了妻子母亲的相框。他的妻子感到非常的难过。
那位能够免受身体伤害的啦啦队队长，她让自己从一排楼梯上摔下来，摔伤了背，然后她躺在那等待奇迹般的自我修复。但是什么奇迹也没有发生。一只猫从她身上跳过。啦啦队队长的事就告一段落了。那个自认为可以穿越时空的小孩，他决定逃脱一场数学考试，为此提前做了点准备—他试着把自己送回到莫扎特时期的维也纳，他努力地尝试着，他太用劲了以至于放了个双响屁，屁声震耳啊。放屁事件在孩子当中引起了不小的骚动。他试着时空转换把自己送回放屁前，使自己可以忍住不去放屁，但是他还是失败了。他又太过用力了，于是又放了个响屁。同学们再也忍不住了，教室里传来一阵阵笑声。就连老师你都能看到她抖动着肩膀低下头偷笑。
一个女主妇，据说他能把物体漂浮在空中，最终把家里的玻璃缸打碎了。一个高龄妇女据说她能与动物产生心理感应，因此能和动物交谈，结果她被松鼠给咬了一口。在她用思维运行她超能力时，她问松鼠为什么这么做，它又咬了她一口，然后逃到树上去了。另有一个清洁工，她的超能力是她只要翻翻书页就能读完整本书，她走进一家书店，然后就忙着把书拿起然后又放下。她穿着一件紧的上衣，踩着一双细高跟鞋，脸上露出一种古怪的表情。在美国新墨西哥州，有个修女，她的超能力是她能用她手中的任何东西，甚至是泥土，死的臭虫做成可口的面包，某天她做了一片面包，其他所有修女没有任何人愿意吃。
其中一个人说：“我刚刚吃过东西了。
另一个说；“姊妹，坦白说，我今天胃口不好。”
一个维吉尼亚男孩，他的超能力是他能把一困纸扔进垃圾罐里，可事实是他连续丢了16次都没有丢进。即使他走进垃圾罐前，直直地往下投，他还是会把它丢在垃圾罐的边缘，落在他的体操鞋上。接着他就认为，或许那就是我的超能力：不管我什么时候投卷纸，它都会落在我的体操鞋上。他把一捆纸扔出他房间门外，看看他会不会自己飞回来落在他的一直体操鞋上。但什么也没发生。在他向门外仍纸的时候，他80多岁的祖父正蹒跚地走过，那捆纸正好打到他的头边。祖父太老了，甚至都没有注意到，他继续慢慢地向前走。他的超能力是：只要他想去卫生间，他都能准时到达。
想想这些现象。我们在把视角放到城郊去看一看。有个年迈的几近谢顶的单身汉，他的超能力是：他能将他母亲珍藏的旧的玻璃器具往地下室的楼梯上滚下去，并保证一个也不会打碎。那天的晚些时候，正当他等他母亲回家。他还有一个超能力：当她母亲走进房子，他能在她头上制造一片祥云，使她忘记发生的事情。否则，如果他做不到让她忘记，不管怎样，他也可以使他母亲不再爱那些玻璃器具。在这个节骨眼上，正当她停好车时，哦天啊，他希望有这种超能力，即只要他乐意，他可以在任何时候让自己的膝盖不要在桌子底下晃动。上帝啊，她绝对会杀了他。
而他母亲的超能力是：她可以通过自己的思想来把前门给打开。
他听到她像往常一样，用头将后门砰的关上。然后，又像往常一样，小声地诅咒，然后去找她的钥匙。
几个街区外，更是糟糕。肯尼*丹尼斯正站在艾米利亚山特劳伦家门外，他试着从她卧室门外能够透视里面。但是他做不到。他所能看到的除了墙还是墙。接着他被一只黄蜂给蛰了。他用鞋子拍死了那只黄蜂。然后，哎呀，说说艾米利亚自己吧，她整张脸绷紧，因为她试着头冒火焰。但她也做不到。她努力的结果是她得了偏头痛。是什么原因让肯尼*丹尼斯手里拿着鞋子站在那儿呢？正当那个时候，一只箭射到了肯尼的屁股，而射箭人是佛瑞德*劳瑞。他的超能力是，他无论将箭射到任何方向，他都能用自己的思维控制箭，使它射进高中时他们上射箭课时的那个靶子的靶心。劳瑞满脸通红，低着头拼命地往街上逃，这时他撞到全身包裹并戴着眼罩的里昂纳多 梅兹。她的超能力是，她的每个指尖都能感应到东西的样子。
不久之后，情况大变：人们连自己具备的能力都逐渐失去了。一个日本妇女不知道怎么说日语了。一个来自德克萨斯州的母亲不知道如何咀嚼食物了，她也不记得孩子们应该穿短裤。就连她的丈夫也失去了他以往所具备的基本能力了。比如：当他想要有个艳遇，他就去做，就像他根本忘记他已经结婚这件事一样。在这些桃色时间后，他表现出他的第二个能力：忘记他的桃花史，并一丁点儿也不感到内疚或自责。
现今，他走出家门，又有了一段情史。但他及时地想到，他已经结婚了。劳瑞是一个好女人—为什么他总是做些对她不好的事呢？在性事上，他表现得不是很好。他的妻子也为此难过。她的超能力是：不管她有多糟糕的恋情，那个可怜的男人至少床上功夫会不错。
当他回到家，劳瑞正坐在桌前，嘴里塞满了薯条。孩子们穿着短裤围着后院乱跑。发生了什么呢？无疑，他背叛了他的妻子劳瑞。
无论哪个地方的任何事情，都像是没完没了。空气中弥漫着一种恐惧的气息。我们把基本的能力认为是我们理所当然所具备的，真是愚蠢至极。当我们回到我们还会开车，穿着带纽扣的衬衫，能够叫外卖，画一系列的水彩画来描述我们夏天的房子的不同景色，并第一时间找到我们夏天的房子的这些日子，生活是多么美好啊。
地球的整个人类貌似都在挣扎前行，慢慢地饿死、或渴死，或晒死，或玩火自焚等等。越往前就越发现：所有的一切只不过是个愚蠢的寓言罢了。
如此说来，电视剧就像生活，人们慢慢地放弃对生活的希望与期望，并对爱也感到不再满足。这个对收视率绝对是个看点，人们也会依赖我的节目。
第一季是这样结尾的：我们把摄像机向下移动到一个孤寂的房间，一个人失去了他以往所具备的能力，他不再像以前一样可以轻易地给喜剧作品写好精辟的结局。
他整夜都在修改这个麻烦的东西，他试着想到一个完美的结局，但是他才思枯竭了。他的脸变得扭曲，充满了绝望。我们镜头跟进，他双眼呆滞，精神错乱。以前这一切对他来说是多么轻而易举的事情。他要怎么做才能摆脱这些呢？要怎么做呢？到底要怎么做呢？怎么做？
等等。他想到了。千真万确！天啊，他想到了！他想到用一个杀手作为结尾，他打破了受人们日渐下降的能力的影响。他即将完成他的稿子，然后他就可以冲出去告诉其他人。你可以冲破自由了，因为我也自由了，我完成了我的不可思议的结局。是的，生活着充满着挫折与麻烦。但我们一路走着都会发生奇迹，我们可以克服所有的—
等等。那个结局。。事实上，既然他想到了，其实并不真的。。。
是啊，这根本毫无意义。
除非他--
不。那样也是徒劳的。
完了。
他大声咒骂，并开始撕从打字机里打出的纸页，他把它撕了两半，然后四片，然后八片，接着把它扔向空中，一阵狂笑，纸片像雪花一样散落在他身边。过了一会，他甚至不知道怎么去撕纸了或怎么狂笑了。
他转向打印机。
他想要打字：“我们很可悲。”
他打成了：“我们都很拙。”
接着，他大哭起来。显然，眼泪将是人类最不能失去的能力之一。
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