Photo by *scarleth white
Do you have good friends? Do you make friends easily or is it hard work?
I’ve collected 35 tips for you on how to create lasting friendships. Some of the tips are about finding friends, others are about how to deepen a friendship once it’s formed. Finally there are some points on how to repair a friend.
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A friend recently said to me:
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“What if I were to get convicted of a crime - even if I’m innocent - and get put in jail for ten years. Who would be at the gates when I’m released?”
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Could you rely on some of your friends to be there if that happened to you?
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What’s your definition of a friend?
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Zen Master John Tarrant says the following in this book Bring Me the Rhinoceros: And Other Zen Koans That Will Save Your Life
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It’s common to feel lonely, to think of yourself as something small and solitary in the vastness of things. It’s easy then to think of a friend as a home territory carved out of that vastness, a kind of living diary for sharing and storing the feelings of the day so that life can go on more or less as usual. Yet there are other kinds of friendships that don’t just assuage loneliness but undermine it by changing your understanding of who you are.
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Good friends help us to understand who we really are.
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To create and enjoy lasting friendships takes effort and skill. Some people make friends easily, but for many of us making and keeping friends isn’t always easy. Here is a list of 35 ways of creating and cultivating lasting friendships.
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- Know yourself. In order to make friends, we need to know who we are. You may want to check out this article and work out what is special about you. If you are not clear on what your life purpose is, these questions will help you.
. - Check whether you really want to have friends. If you’re secretly afraid of people, or don’t trust other, you will find it difficult to make friends.
. - Spend time around people. You can’t find friends in the cupboard.
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. - Be kind. Look at what you can do for other to make their life easier. …………………………………….. .. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
- Be steady and dependable. Be a friend one can count on. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
- .Be genuine. Don’t try and be someone you’re not. Friendship is built on honesty.
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Photo by banoootah_qtr
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… - .Join groups and pursue activities that you enjoy. You are more likely to find friends who have common interests. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
- .When travelling, talk to everyone you meet. This advice was given to me by my son Sebastian and I’ve made wonderful friendships following it.
, - Become a volunteer. You’ll find people who have a similar set of values which is a great basis for a friendship. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
- .Talk to people. You’ll spend a lot of time in groups without making friends if you don’t talk with people
. - Make eye contact and smile when you communicate people.
. - Be positive. If you only talk negatively about yourself, others, or life in general, people will not enjoy your company.
. - Remember names. If you find that difficult, ask the person again until you’ve really got it.
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…………………………………………………………………………………………………………. - Initiate a get-together. If you meet someone you like, ask them out for a coffee or arrange another meeting. An easy way to do that is to say something like: A good way to extend yourself is to say: “Well, I’ve got to go, but if you ever want to talk over lunch or coffee or anything like that, let me give you my number/e-mail address.”
. - Find common interests. Ask how he or she pursues their interest. Are they a member of a club or society? Express an interest in joining.
. - Tell your friend that you enjoy their company. Many friendships are lost because neither person finds the courage to express their interest.
. - Beware of sexual flings with friend. Many friedships don’t survive it. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
- Be glad for your friends successes. Be the only person they can tell how well they’re doing.
. - Don’t compromise your values. Keep you standards of morality and behaviour and don’t change them just to fit in with friend or a group.
. - Don’t gossip. If a new friend hears you revealing personal stories of othere, he or she will be wary of your discretion.
. - Ask the other person open-ended questions about their life. Openended questions are ones that can’t be answered by saying ‘yes’, or ‘no’.
. - Share more deeply with a friend. Let them know what your life feels like. This is key difference between a friend and an aquaintance.
. - Keep the sharing equal. Don’t hog the time with your problems.
. - Have even roles in the relationship. If you notice that you are always the listener and she the star
. - Switch roles regularly in your friendships. If there is one who always calls the shots, the friendship won’t last.
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- Listen to your friend. Listening is the number one glue of friendships.
. - Keep confidences. Nothing kills a budding friendship faster than spilled secrets.. ……………………………..
- Allow your friend to help you. Give and take has to be balanced in a friendship. …… ………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………
- Share the bad times. Help your friend when things go bad. Allow your friends to help you when times are difficult. ………… …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
- Keep contact. Check in regularly with your friend. A short text message, email or phone call keeps a friendship alive
. - Don’t crowd your friend. Make sure you don’t overwhelm - or even stalk - him or her.
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Photo by Jaci Berkopecr
- Share bonding activities. Have some adventures together and play together. To foster longlasting friendships, create common memories.
. - Keep talking through difficult times. Don’t let disagreements fester. ……….. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
- If there is a rift, apologize for the hurt you caused. It’s more important to keep your friendship going than to be ‘right’. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
- If a friendship is damaging your life or your family relationships, you may need to let it go.
This can be a difficult decision. Weigh up how important this friendship is for you against the disturbance it brings into your life.
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You’ll notice that I haven’t mentioned online friends. That’s because this is still an area that I’m exploring. I’ve made some lovely friends on the Internet in the last few months, but I don’t know how such friendships progress and deepen long-term. What experiences do you have of online friendships? Please let me know in the comments.
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I am sure there are points I’ve missed. Maybe you can think of some?
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Check out my guest post on Lifehack.org : How to Use the Art of Positive Realism for Maximum Success
译文:
建立持久友谊的35种方法
你有好朋友么？ 交朋友对你来说容易还是困难呢？
我整理了35条如何创建持久友谊的方法。其中有些是关于交友的，有些是关于巩固友谊的。最后还有几点是关于如何拯救友谊的。
近来一朋友问我：
“如果我因犯罪被逮捕-即便我是无辜的-入狱10年。当我释放出狱时谁出现在狱门口呢？”
倘若是你碰上这事，那些朋友会是你能信赖的人么？
你是如何定义“朋友”一词的？
禅师约翰塔伦特在《 给我犀牛：其他的禅宗公案拯救您的生活 》一书中提到以下内容：
人感到孤独是很正常的，自认微小而有感是沧海一粟也是普遍现象。然后很容易的将朋友视为是浩瀚中划割出来的家的一部分，一种共享储存一日之感的生活日记以便生活能或多或少的一如往常。然而却有一些友谊，非但不能减轻孤独感反而会改变你对自我的认识而是孤独感剧增。
好朋友有助于我们认识真正的自我
要建立并维持长久的友谊是需要花费精力，用些技巧的。有些人交友很是容易，但对于我们大部分的人来说，要交到朋友并维持友谊往往不那么容易。在此，罗列出了35种建立并维持长久友谊的方法。
了解自己 . 要交友，我们需要知道我们是怎样的人。你可能想关上这篇文章而找些适合你的。如果你对自己的生活目标还不甚清楚的话，这些问题对你将有裨益。
核实一下你是否真的需要交朋友. 如果你在背地里都害怕人，或是不信任别人的话，你就会发现交友是件很困难的事。
花点时间与人相处. 你是不可能在你家碗柜找到朋友的。
友善。看看你能为他人做点什么使之生活更便利。
稳重，可靠。做个朋友可以信赖的人。
真诚。不要尝试去当那个不是真实的自我。诚实是友谊的基甸。
加入社团并参加那些你感兴趣的活动。 拥有共同兴趣的更容易交到朋友。
旅行时，同遇见的每个人交谈。 这是我儿子塞巴斯蒂安给我的建议，正是因为它我收获了美好的友谊。
做个志愿者。你会发现拥有相似的价值观是友谊建立的基础。
与人交谈。如果你不同别人交谈，在一个团体里你会花上更多的时间却又交不到朋友。
眼神交流并微笑。 当你同别人交流的时候。
乐观。如果你只同别人谈你自己、他人或是生活中悲情的一面，一般来说，人们是不愿意当你朋友的。
记住名字。 如果你认为这是件困难的事情，多问一遍直到你确实记住为止。
办个聚会。如果碰上你喜欢的人，不妨邀请他们去喝杯咖啡或是安排另一次会面。做起来很简单，可以这么说：有种好办法可以让你张扬一下自己：“恩，我得走了，不过如果你愿意一同吃个午餐、喝杯咖啡或是别的什么边吃边谈的话，就让我给你留个电话或E-mail地址吧。”
寻找共同的兴趣。问问他或她是如何寻求兴趣的。他们是否是俱乐部或是协会的成员？对加盟表示出兴趣。
告诉你的朋友你很享受他们的陪伴。很多友谊的消逝都是因为没有人有勇气表达他们对彼此的友好。
为你的朋友取得成功感到喜悦。做那个唯一可以让他们推心置腹的人。
在价值观上别妥协让步。在道德和行为方面要有自己的标准准则，别仅仅为了迎合朋友或集体就改变它们。
别制造流言蜚语。如果一个新朋友听你揭露他人的事情，他或她将会对你的慎重持谨慎态度。
用开放式的问题询问他人的生活。开放式的问题指的是那些不以“是”或“不是”来回答的问题。
与朋友分享。让他们知道你对生活的感受。这就是一个朋友和一个相识之间的主要区别。
公平分享。别在你自己问题上耗费时间。
为友谊设个公平原则。如果你意识到你总是倾听者而她总是耀眼之星的话。
定期互换你们的友情角色。如果一个人总是施加命令的一方，那么这段友谊便不会长久。
倾听朋友的心声。倾听是友谊最好的凝胶。
保持信任。没有什么比泄露秘密更容易使一段萌芽中的友谊被扼杀了。
让你的朋友帮助你。一段友情，付出和收获是需要相互协调的。
有难同当。朋友遇到困难时帮助他们。碰到困难时让你的朋友帮你。
保持联系。定期同你朋友联系。一条短信，一封电邮或是一个电话可以让友谊保持鲜活。
别威逼你的朋友。务必不要打击或是跟踪他/她。
一起冒险、一起玩。培养持久的友情需要建立共同的记忆。
矛盾时期保持交流。不让僵持溃烂。
友情出现裂缝，为你所造成的伤害道歉。这一点对维持友情的持久而言，比你固执己见更为重要。
如果一段友谊会给你的生活或你的家庭带来伤害，你大可放弃。这势必是个困难的决定。衡量一段友谊对你的重要性和它带给你生活的困挠来说。
你会注意到我并没有提到网络上的朋友。这是因为我所探讨的始终是一个区域。在最近几个月我也在网络上交到一些可爱的朋友，不过对于这些友情会如何进展并进一步加深。对于网络上的交友你有什么经验么?在评论中告诉我咯。
我敢肯定还有一些被我忽略的要点。大概你会想到一些吧？
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登录我在Lifehack.org的游贴：如何采用积极乐观的现实主义来避免与成功擦肩而过。