When do we say no, and when do we say yes? Is saying no a sign of selfishness or a sign of strength? Is saying yes a sign of weakness, or a sign of generosity and compassion?
A perplexing question for so many travellers – do we set down boundaries, and if so, how? Some say boundaries are essential, for we have to look after ourselves. They say it is a sign of strength to be able to politely disappoint someone, or to firmly tell an abusive man to back off.
But others will say boundaries are essentially selfish, the sign of a petty man, a small hearted woman. If someone is being hurtful as a result of his own sadness, is it not right to show a compassionate response instead of leaving him? How can we call ourselves a friend if we turn down a request from someone in need?
This will be a strange thing to say: what if both sides are right?
The Butterfly and the Chrysalis
The metamorphosis from a caterpillar to a butterfly holds a haunting allure – it appeals to something raw, something primal inside us: a promise of rebirth.
When the time comes, a caterpillar first protects itself from the world, wrapped inside a chrysalis. Protected inside, it grows and strengthens itself until the day it is ready to emerge as a new being, whole and strong. When that day comes, it discards the protective shell, for it no longer needs one.
Perhaps that is the lesson. There will be a time we need to set our boundaries, to give ourselves a safe space to cherish, strengthen and heal ourselves for the journey towards health and compassion. And there will come a day it stifles us, and we have to relax them, or drop them altogether.
Boundaries
For many of us, a journey of personal development starts with limitations and a desire to overcome them. For many, these limitations are weaknesses – emotional suffering and instability, fear, an overwhelming need for the approval of others, sensitivity, and so on. Others might have suffered from emotional or physical abuse. Yet others feel they don’t deserve anything good in life. I remember reading about a woman; her self-esteem was so low she slept on the floor – believing herself unworthy of her bed.
The results are the same – an inability to set a healthy boundary. A flower that is constantly trampled on, a baby that is neglected – how can they flourish?
Rudeness and Negativity
The first type of person we set up boundaries against is the critic, or worse, the abusive person. Some might have good intentions; many don’t. Others attack because of their own unhappiness; they criticise in an attempt to ease their own pain, to feel better about what they are.
Without an ability to put their comments in perspective, even the most well-intentioned critic will sap away at our self-esteem. And this goes doubly so for the overtly hurtful – their words stick in our hearts and minds, corroding our happiness and ability to function.
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
If you are a tall man, and your neighbour calls you a midget – you would simply laugh it off, for not a single cell in your being agrees with her.
What if she were to call you ugly, worthless, a worm – what then? How would you react? The degree of your reaction – whether it is aggression, anguish, defensiveness or simply withdrawal – reflects how much you secretly agree with her.
Heal those shames, remove all such self-judgement from your heart, and no longer will these words affect you. Only then can you drop your shell. When that day comes, a compassionate, mature response is not only possible, but it is the only choice we have.
Further Reading: Compassion and Finding the Servant Heart
Requests and Demands
The second category revolves around demands on your resources and time. There are countless factors to be considered here – it is impossible to give a blanket statement. Not all requests, for instance, are unfair and intrusive. Some might be tiring, unwanted, but you have an obligation to fulfil them; perhaps it is a demonstration of love. So all I can offer is a broad statement, one that is only meant to guide.
Generosity is an acknowledged virtue – but it is also unwise to give what we would need for ourselves. It is often unskilful to give when we would feel resentful, sick, or frustrated after we have done so.
Why is this so? We have confused genuine compassion with the masquerade. We have confused compassion born of strength with a weak imitation born of weakness. For many, giving does not come from generosity or selflessness – on the contrary, it comes from the utmost selfishness!
One gives, because he wants the other to like him, to accept him. Another gives, because she sees her time, her intrinsic worth as somehow less. And self-hatred is just another form of selfishness. So they continue giving, wearing a painted smile on their face – all the while thinking only of themselves, of how others see them.
Behind the Masquerade
When one gives from the mask, there is always the danger of anger and frustration. Selfishness always lurks behind the façade – one always fears the judgement of others, always wondering when they will get something in return.
I spent much of my younger years parading behind this masquerade – always giving, even when I didn’t want to. Always being taken advantage of; giving even when I was sick or tired; always afraid of disapproval. And when the criticism and abuse inevitably came, I crumbled.
Further, I was too afraid to ask for favours in return. No one displayed the same care I did. Little by little, the anger and frustration began to build. Anger when they did not reciprocate; frustration at never being able to say no. And one day it all came pouring out. Hatred at myself, hatred at the world – it was a painful time for me and those who loved me. It was a period I could have avoided if I had learnt one simple word – No.
Many people encourage such behaviour in themselves. They see themselves as a noble martyr, perhaps a victim. There are times the distinction between compassion and disguised selfishness is hard to make.
Take, for instance, a mother, sacrificing herself daily for her children. Which one is she? Only she knows. Mimicking compassion is different from feeling it, and only she knows what she is feeling. Might she better serve her children by taking some time off to nourish herself, simply so she has more to give in the future?
What are Boundaries?
The logical progression, then – what exactly are boundaries?
This shield can come in many different forms, but at its core, a boundary simply involves saying No. No to giving something; no to behaving in a certain way; no to being treated in a way that will hurt your heart, your body, your totality.
Personal boundaries can come in all facets of life – physically, emotionally, and mentally. You protect your body; you protect yourself from fatigue and stress, you protect your time, money, and even privacy. You protect your right to a basic level of respect and courtesy.
The first step, then, is to recognise that we have our own needs and values. For many, even this can sound like a shock – that is how defenseless they have been.
Immediately after this, a second recognition is vital. Just as you have your limits – so do other people. They have their own needs, wants, and feelings; just as you would want them to respect your boundaries, so would you have to respect theirs. An intrusive, overdeveloped boundary can be worse than an underdeveloped one. I read a newspaper report once, of a man who was speeding and ran over a pedestrian. His response was callous; she shouldn’t have been in the way. This is the trap we have to avoid.
A good boundary respects all parties involved; clear and firm, but non-aggressive. And as you begin to shield and stand up for yourself, you will be surprised at how the world begins to treat you. It is one of the most empowering things we can ever do for ourselves.
Nourishing the Flower
Some might find it hard to see the value in nourishing yourself first, and yet this is a common truth – you cannot give what you do not have. Unless you have love, unless you have found your own peace – whatever actions you take, no matter how outwardly beautiful, will be subtly contaminated.
As Osho says – let your flower blossom, water it, love it; and naturally it will release a fragrance. There will come a time when we see the well-being of others as inextricable from our own. Then your very presence will be of connection, of happiness and joy.
Further Reading: The Compassion series
The Dropping of the Shield
And when do we drop the shield? If you look closely, boundaries are essentially selfish – but they are a necessary first step. Barriers are there to stop us from getting overwhelmed, but like an armadillo – there is no way for us to connect with, touch, others on a deeper level. Some people throw up too many walls; their attempts at protection simply result in exile – isolation and loneliness.
As Lorne Ladner says in the beautiful Lost Art of Compassion
, there will be times the boundaries drop naturally, beyond our control. Little glimpses of genuine love, altruistic compassion, give with us a taste of what is on the other side. A couple in the heat of romance will naturally feel that they would do anything for the other; parents sacrifice for their children, even the man on the street will drop his defences when he sees someone in pain.
This feeling of genuine compassion is one of the most beautiful inner states one can feel – and this can get quickly addictive, leading us to drop our boundaries. But we cannot push past them too quickly – for we will simply fall back into our old, unhealthy, patterns.
Gently push past your boundaries, test them, when you feel the strength to – not the strength of a Tyson, but the strength that is born of having found your own peace, your own quiet power. Expand them, relax their grip, until the day you can drop them.
The End of Selfishness
And when that day comes, you might not even realise the simple fact – you simply don’t need it any more. This day came for me in a very strange manner. I share this story; not as a boast, but as the only way I could bolster my argument.
In Melbourne, there is a traffic law – cars cannot pull up next to a tram at a red light. A space is required for passengers to exit. A few weeks ago, during the Easter holidays, I was driving down the road, daydreaming as usual. I was not paying much attention to the traffic around me, and without knowing, I pulled up next to a tram at a red light.
The tram driver flew into a rage and rushed out, heaping abuse on me. I didn’t know why at first, but as he began writing down the license number of my car, I realised that I had made a mistake. I lowered the window to apologise.
It was a genuine apology; I had no intentions of trying to get out of the fine, but perhaps he took my motivations as such. He made a rude gesture with his finger and told me to have a happy Easter.
The light turned green, and I drove off. I was wondering how much the fine was going to be, I was thinking that he must have had a very bad day to react so strongly – when I suddenly realised that I carried no pain at his words and gestures. I was elated.
Cockiness and verbal abuse tied into my deepest wound – a feeling that I was unworthy of respect, insignificant, a worthless little worm. A year or two ago, I would have been tremendously upset, possibly furious. My thoughts would have been distorted, personalising his words, taking them as a reflection of my value as a human being. He would have stuck with me for months. That was the time a solid boundary would have been required.
Now all I felt was understanding. There was nothing I felt I could have, should have done. But if it was required, a compassionate response would have come without thinking.
And with that, the protective cocoon fell apart. There was no fear, no hesitance. It was simply no longer needed.
What’s Next?
We’ve discussed boundaries and what they are. In the next post, we’ll discuss guidelines and examples of how to set them. Subscribe now to get updates as I publish them.
Link Love
Todd Goldfarb runs We The Change, a great personal development blog, and had a relevant post recently, using the same butterfly and caterpillar metaphor: A New Realm of Consciousness for Humanity.
A good friend, Keith Johnson of Om Meditation, has released a YouTube Video with a quiet prayer. It is a beautifully done video; please have a look – The Sacred Syllable OM.
JEMi is the author of the personal development site http://www.inmyheels.com/ Tips for Life, Love, You. In it, you can expect to find a range of articles dedicated to providing you with insanely useful findings on self love, motivation, productivity, loss, and happiness to name a few. A recent posting – Who are You Really: The Definition and Redefinition of You.
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译文:
设定个人界限的重要性
在哪些情况下我们会拒绝，又是在哪些情形下我们会予以肯定的答复呢？说“不”就意味着自私或勇气？说“是”就象征软弱或慷慨热情吗？
许多人都面临着同样的困惑--我们该不该设定个人界限？答案若是肯定的话，那么我们将如何设定呢？一些人说个人界限是自我保护的必要手段，是礼貌拒绝他人勇气的象征，是对冒犯自己的人的反抗手段。
另外一些人争辩道个人界限纯粹是自私的表现，是猥琐之徒或心胸狭窄的妇人的象征。如果一个人受到了伤害而极度悲伤，我们就应该毫无怜悯的弃他而去吗？如果那样的话又谈得上是什么朋友呢？
更让人惊讶的看法是：两种说法都有各自的道理。
蝴蝶与蝶蛹
毛虫变成蝴蝶的变形记是我们永远抗拒不了的诱惑——它是我们内心最原始也是最初的一块：破茧重生的信诺。
时机到了，毛毛虫躲入蛹中来保护自己，同时不断成长、壮大直到自己完全成为另一种全新的，完整而有强大的存在。这时，它破茧重生。
也许我们学到了些什么。我们会有必须设定界限的时候，来让自己有一块能放心休憩、成长、舔伤口的港湾，好让自己能够继续前行。也许有一天生活会错待我们，我们必须学着坚强，学会放轻松甚至是放弃。
界限
对大多人来说，成长之旅始于超越自身限制的渴望。对这些人来说，这些限制就是弱点——情感上的痛苦和不稳定，对他人的认同过分的在意，敏感，等等。这其中，有些人受到情感上或者身体上的虐待，还有些人觉得自己不配生命中的美好。我记得这样一位女性：她是如此的自卑以至于她睡地板——因为她认为自己不配睡床。
后果会是相同的——如果无力设一个健康的界限的话。一朵不断被人践踏的花，一个被人忽视的婴儿——他们怎能成长？
无礼与消极性
我们会对其设定界限的第一种人是批评家甚至是会辱骂我们的人。他们有些人这么做是为了我们好，但更多人不是。他们是为了自己的好心情采取攻击他人，因为批评他人可以让他们减缓自身的痛苦，让自己更好过一点。
没有冷处理他人的批评的能力，即使是最有善意的批评家也会伤害我们的自尊。而这些公然的刻薄更加深了伤害——他们的话语钻进我们的心理和思想中，侵蚀我们的幸福和思考的能力。
没有人能够未经你的同意而使你自卑。
~埃莉诺·罗斯福
如果你是个高个子，而你的邻居叫你矮子——你会一笑置之，因为你从头到脚都不符合这个称呼。
如果她说你丑陋，窝囊，无用呢？你会有什么反应？你反映的程度——无论是反击，苦恼，防守或是干脆无视——都反映了你不自知的同意她的程度。
治好那些自卑吧，把所有多自己的自我判定从心中通通移除，只有这样，那些话语才不会影响我们。那时我们才可以脱掉我们的外壳。届时，同情而又成熟的回应使我们唯一可能的选择。
其他阅读材料： Compassion and Finding the Servant Heart
需求和要求
第二类跟我们对资源和时间的要求相关。这次有无数的因素需要考虑进去——直接陈述是不可能的了。例如，不是所有的要求都是不公平和烦扰的。有些让人厌烦而人们却有履行其的义务；可能这个要求是爱的游行。所以我只能提供一个仅供参考的宽泛的声明。
慷慨是个公认的美德——但是给与他人我们自己需要的东西是不明智的。 当我们在这么做之后往往会觉得自己悻悻的, 有病的, 或沮丧。
为什么会这样？我们误解了理智的同情和虚伪的伪装。我们误解了源于强势的同情与源于弱点的拙劣的模仿。对于许多人来说，给予不是出于慷慨或是无私——正相反，出于极度的自私！
一个人会付出，是因为他想被他人喜爱、接受。另一个人给予，是因为她觉得她的时间、她的内在价值不值得那么多。而自憎不过是换了一种形式的自私。所以他们不断付出，脸上带着微笑的面具——他们所想的全是自己或者就是他人对自己的看法。
虚伪的慷慨后
一个人有目的地慷慨时，他终究会生气和产生挫折感。自私潜伏在表象后——他会一直恐惧于他人的评价，一直疑惑遇得到回报的时间。
我年轻的时候对这种虚假的慷慨乐此不疲——总是付出，即使我压根儿不情愿。(我）总是被利用；在疲累时仍然坚持付出：害怕他人的不认同。这样，当批评还是到来的时候，我崩溃了。
更糟的是，我不会主动要求恩惠来作为回报。没有人显示出对我同等的关心。一点一滴，我的怒火和挫败感逐渐累积。怒火于他们的不知回报，挫败于自己的不能拒绝。终于有一天，我爆发了。我憎恨自己，憎恨世界——那段时间，对我还有那些爱着我的人来说，是非常痛苦的。那本来是完全可以避免的，如果我曾学会对别人说一个简单的词——不。
许多人鼓吹自己的这等行为。他们视自己为烈士或是受害者。有些时候，同情和虚伪的自私是难以区分的。
以一个为了自己的孩子牺牲自己的日常生活的母亲为例，她到底是无私的还是自私的？这只有她自己知道。模仿同情有别于感到同情，只有她自己知道。也许更好的方法是抽出一点时间来充实自我，这样在未来她可以更好的为自己的孩子付出？
什么是界限？
必然的趋势，那么——界限到底是什么？
界限有许多表现形式，但是其核心就是说“不”。拒绝给予某物，拒绝按某种方式来行为，拒绝被伤害，无论是身、心或者二者都有。
个人界限可以来自于生活的各个方面——生理上，情感上和精神上。保护自己的身体，从劳累和压力下保护自己，保护自己的时间、金钱甚至隐私。保护自己可以受到起码的尊重。
那么第一步就是要承认我们有我们自己的需要和价值观。对许多人来说，这无异于一个晴天霹雳——他们对此毫无防备。
紧接着，第二个认可——人力有穷时，所有人都是如此——也是很重要的。不同的人有不同的追求与需求；你希望他人尊重你的个人界限，同时，你也得尊重他人的界限。一个烦扰他人的、发展过头的界限比落后的界限更糟。我曾经读过一篇新闻报道：一个人超速并碾过一位行人。肇事者态度冷漠：她不应该走这条道。这是我们应该极力避免的。
一个好的界限尊重交往的各方；可靠、沉稳而又不咄咄逼人。当你开始保护支持自己时，你会惊讶于这个世界对待你的态度。这是我们可以为自己做的最有利的事之一。
盛放如花
充实自我的价值也许在一开始时不是那么明显，但这是一个普遍真理——你无法付出你没有的东西。除非你有爱, 除非你已经找到你自己的和平——否则无论你采取任何行动，无论其外表多么美丽，都不过“金玉其外，败絮其中”罢了。
就像奥修的教义——让花开放，给它浇水并关爱它，其自会绽放幽幽香气。这样总有一天我们会发现他人的成就离不开我们。那时我们与有荣焉。
其他阅读材料： The Compassion series
破茧而生
何时我们可以卸下防备？如果你看得够仔细的话，设立界限基本上是自私的——但是确实必须首先采取的。阻碍存在，防止我们越界，同时又像犰狳——我们不可能跟他人有深一点的联系或接触。有些人设立了太多的心墙，他们在试图保护自己的同时放逐了自己——导致孤立和寂寞。
正如罗恩.拉纳在优美的 Lost Art of Compassion中所说的, 有时，界限，会在我们控制之外，自然而然的消失。真爱的惊鸿一现，无私的仁爱，让我们领略了不设心防的滋味。处于热恋期的一对自然地觉得他们可以为对方做任何事；父母愿为儿女牺牲；甚至走在大街上，都会有人为一个素不相识却处于痛苦中的人放下防备。
真正的同情他人是一个人能够感受到的最美好的状态之一——它是如此美妙以致于我们迅速上瘾，让我们放下了界限。但我们不能这么快就完全放下——因为我们又会回到以前那种老旧的、不健康的老路上。
慢慢放下防备并不断试探，当你感到自己的力量——不是像泰森那样的孔武有力，而是源于自身寻求到的的安宁的力量。扩大这种力量，同时渐渐放开心门，直到有天，可以彻底放下。
自私的末日
那一天来临时，你可能根本不会意识到——你只是不再需要它了。我的这一天到来了，以一种独特的方式。我跟你们分享这个故事，不是作为吹牛皮，而是作为引出话题的“敲门砖”。
墨尔本的交通法规定红灯时汽车不得停靠于电车旁，必须为行人留出离开的空间。几周前，就在复活节期间，我沿着公路驾着车，像往常一样做着白日梦而没有注意周围的交通状况，然后，不自觉地，在红灯时，停在一两电车旁边。
电车司机大发雷霆，冲出车，对我大骂。一开始我不知道原因，但当他开始抄我的车牌号时，我意识到我肯定做错了什么。我摇下车窗向他道歉。
我诚心的道歉，我没有逃脱罚款的意图，但或许他对我成见颇深。他对我比了一个粗鲁的手势还对我说享受一个“愉快”的复活节。
绿灯亮了，我就开车走了。我好奇于罚款的数额，我猜想那位司机一定是因为这一天过得极不如意才会反应那么激烈——当我察觉到他的话和手势没有让我感到痛苦时，我高兴极了。
骄傲自大和言语辱骂击中我最深的伤口——让我有种我是一个不值得被尊重、无足重轻、毫无价值的废物的感觉。一两年前，我大概还会极度沮丧，可能会生气。我的想法会被扭曲，会重视他的话语并以此作为自己价值的一种反映。他可能会影响我几个月的心情。那时我可能需要稳定的界限（来保护自己）。
现在，我只感到理解。我觉得没有什么事是我可以并且应该做的。如果一定要的话，（我）应该不假思索地给予充满同情的回应。
因此，保护壳分崩离析。没有恐惧，没有犹豫，只是我不再需要保护壳而已。
下一步？
我们已经讨论了什么是界限。下一篇帖子中，我们将会讨论设立界限的范例。 Subscribe now （现在认购）来获得我公布的更新。
最爱链接
托德·格的法博 主持着 We The Change, 一个伟大的关于个人发展的博客, 其发表的最新的一个帖子——A New Realm of Consciousness for Humanity，也用了蝴蝶和蝶蛹的比喻。
一个好朋友, Om Meditation的凯斯·强森, 在YouTube上公布了一个安静的祈祷者的录像；去看看吧：The Sacred Syllable OM.
JEMi 是个人发展网站http://www.inmyheels.com/ 的作者。 关于生命，爱情，你的贴士。在这个网站上, 你可以找到一系列文章帮你发现和理解自爱、得失、幸福等人生大课题。最新帖子– Who are You Really: The Definition and Redefinition of You.