by David Bohl
We’ve become a culture of “yes people:” “Yes, I can stay late to help with your project.” “Yes, you can have that expensive themed birthday party with the live ponies.” “Yes, let’s go out for drinks on Friday.” “Yes, I’m available to help you move tomorrow.”
Why is it so difficult to turn down a commitment these days? I have a theory - I think it’s because technology makes it almost impossible for us to hide! Back in the old days, you could become unavailable for a little while if you needed a mental vacation. But now, it seems like wherever you go, someone’s showing up with an invite or a request - texting you, emailing you, leaving you voicemails, messaging you on Facebook or wherever else, ready to hold you accountable. And worse… while you’re juggling all those priorities, even more obligations and temptations keep popping up.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: we can’t be everything to everyone, and we can’t do it all. If we try to, we soon discover how it feels to be that proverbial chicken without a head. And with all this running from here to there, feeling the pressure mount to be the perfect mom or dad, friend, employee, coworker, coach, Christian, golf buddy, vacation planner, party person, and so forth… pretty soon we really DO start to feel like our heads have become detached from our bodies as we mentally unravel!
I know it’s hard to say no when someone needs your help or requests your presence. But try to view your life in a pie graph format, with slices taken out for various commitments that you must attend to. The smaller the “sliver” of pie that you devote to one activity, the less attention, concentration, and appreciation you’re able to give it. And then you’re no longer enjoying yourself and being present in the moment. That’s what they call being “stretched too thin” and I think we all know when it’s happening to us. And our family, friends and colleagues notice, too.
So let me offer a few tips on how to say “No” without offending or disappointing people.
1. Say “no” to this, but “yes” to that.
Don’t you usually find that your commitments to certain people are cumulative? You’re helping a friend work on his truck this week, and then next week he’s calling to see if you can come over and look at the brakes on his wife’s car. If it’s not a good time, then say so. “Listen Bill, I really wish I could help you, but I’m swamped with work this weekend and the kids have Scout Camp.” And while you’re letting your friend down easy, casually bring up another event or task that you two will be teaming up on. “So let me know how it goes, and I’ll see you on the fifth for our camping trip!” It’s always best to end the conversation on a high note, especially if you’re delivering disappointing news.
2. Put out the silent “no” - don’t make yourself so easily accessible.
A great way to get yourself labeled as a “yes” person is to be everywhere all the time. Your phone is on, you’re logged into your favorite social networking site, you’re fielding emails, you’re Skyping. This sends a message to people which says, “I’ve got nothing happening, so give me something to do!” Know what’s the best way to tell people you’re busy? Disappear! Even if you’ve just lowered yourself into a hot bubble bath, nobody except your immediate family has to know. To the outside world, you’re out of sight and that means you’re probably embroiled in some other project for somebody else. It works at the office, too. When people ask you where you’ve been or what you’ve been up to, just explain that you’re “super busy” or “crazy busy”! Trust me, there’s no better way to get the needy masses off your back.
3. Take a deep breath before you say “no.”
Being assertive has to do with making your own needs known but doing it in a calm, confident way. If you’re starting to get all stressed out about overbooking yourself, then it’s going to show in the pitch of your voice, the pace of your steps, the tightness of your muscles and the way you express yourself to others. If you feel overwhelmed, take a time out for yourself. Go for a walk, breathe a few deep, cleansing breaths, get into a few Yoga positions or do whatever you do to calm down. When you’re feeling human again, prepare your polite “no, thank you” and then ease into your regretful response.
4. Be apologetic about your no’s, and enthusiastic about your yeses.
Sometimes people get offended simply because of the manner of our delivery. One of my friends has this talent for making people feel unimportant when she’s turning down their invites. Something about her flippant, “Oh, no, we won’t be able to make it - we’re going tubing that weekend!” makes you feel a little bit unspecial. Other people just give off that snappish “I’m so overwhelmed” vibe when you approach them - and while they really may be overwhelmed, this can be unfriendly and off-putting. Knowing this, it’s worth practicing saying your “no thank you”s and “sorry, I can’t make it”s a bit more gracefully and gratefully. “That was so nice of you to think of us,” “Okay, I can’t wait to see you on Sunday instead!” and “Oh, I really wish I could come” go a long way in conveying a warm, friendly and positive attitude toward the people who count.
5. Say no with a polite explanation.
Open, honest communication is always the answer, and it’s no different when juggling your priorities and obligations to people. If you were invited to a co-ed baby shower but you already scheduled a golf outing for that day, then sure, you may feel like that’s a flimsy excuse best kept to yourself. But, a stiff “Sorry, can’t make it, CLICK” can be a tad insensitive, especially if this shower is for someone you actually do care about. So, at the very least, leave a genuinely apologetic, “Sorry, I already have plans for that day - but let’s get together soon so I can bring you your shower gift in person!”
What’s your best tactic for “letting people down easy?” Leave your comment on the Slow Down Fast blog!
译文:
如何说不
作者 David Bohl
我们现在是“原以为您效劳”的一代人。“行，我可以熬夜帮您为这项工作出谋划策。”“可以，你可以举行一个高档的生日派对，拥有几头小马驹。”“好的，星期五我们一起出去喝饮料。”“对，明天我可以帮您搬家。”
为什么如今拒绝一项任务如此艰难？我的观点是科技使我们无处藏身。在过去，如果你需要精神上的放松，你可以让别人无法找到你。而如今，无论你走到哪，总会遇到朋友向你发送的一封请柬或请求。他们或向你发短信，或向你发邮件，或留下语音信息，或在Facebook的留言板上留言，为了找到你无孔不入。更糟糕的是，当你权衡孰轻孰重时，更多的责任和义务接踵而至。
我曾经说过也将再次重申：我们不可以什么事都出马，解决所有问题。如果我们试图这样做，就会发现忙得焦头烂额。当我们整日奔波，逐渐感到了成为一个完美的父母、朋友、职员、合作者、教练、基督教徒、高尔夫球员、假日规划者、派对策划人的压力时，我们与焦头烂额的境界也不远了。
我知道当别人需要你的帮助或请求你的出席是很难拒绝的。但尝试着将人生看成一个馅饼，不同的任务正如馅饼的“边”。任务就越多，“边”拉得越大，你对任务的集中程度、认真程度都要下降，对生活的美感也会相应降低。这样你就不会再享受参与那一刻的愉悦了。这回就是所谓的“延伸变薄”的原理了。相信大家都深有体会，家庭朋友同事亦如此。
因此，我向你们推荐一些不会得罪人的合理的拒绝建议。
1.适度接受，适当说不
难道你没有发现你对某些人的责任正逐渐增多？这周你帮一个朋友修卡车，下周他可能再次call你为他妻子的车修刹车闸。如果很忙，你可可以这样对他说：“比尔，我真心希望帮助你，但这周末是真的很多，孩子们还参加了一个夏令营。”当你发现他接收了你的拒绝、毫无愠色时，你可以随意地再与他约一个两人都有空的时间“一定要让我知道车修的如何，星期五的野游我们不见不散！”记住当你告诉别人一个令人沮丧的消息时，一定要以振奋人心的语调结束谈话。
2. 默默拒绝，避免过于“热心”
一个最好使你成为“热心”的人的方式就是出席一切活动不考虑时间场合。你的电话始终开机状态，你最喜欢的社交网上经常在线，忙于邮件往来和skpe的聊天中。这无疑在向你周围的人暗示“我很无聊，有什么是需要我帮忙吗？”知道暗示你周围的人我很忙的最好方式是什么吗？消失！即使是沉入洗澡的肥皂水中，别人都不会知道除了你的家人。对外界来说，只要你不在他们的网络视野范围内，他们很有可能认为你正忙于某项工程。这在办公室同样适用。当同事问你最近忙啥时，你只需跟他们解释“我最近忙疯了”相信我，这是再好不过的将麻烦抛于脑后的方法了。
3. 在拒绝前先深呼吸
记住保持冷静、充满自信，坚定地让人清楚你的要求。当你逐渐地感到压力过大时，在你说话的声音、走路的脚步、肌肉的紧张程度和表达自我的方式都可以体现出来，当你觉得忙的喘不过气来，稍微放松一下，散散步、深呼吸、做一下瑜伽或其他什么放松方式。当你回复轻松状态后，礼貌地说“不好意思，谢谢您了！”这样就可以消除尴尬了。
4. 对你的拒绝表示道歉，对接收充满激情
有时得罪人仅仅是因为我们说话的方式。我有一个朋友在拒绝请求上颇有一招，她能使人欣然接受。“哦，这个周末我们要去做试验，太遗憾了，我们无法为您效劳。”而一般人总喜欢说“我很忙”，尽管你真的很忙，这听起来并不友好，像是借口。既然如此，我们就应当换换说法。“不好意思，依然感谢你的请求。”“很遗憾，我们不能为您效劳。”更让人感到委婉、礼貌。“您还能想到我们，真是太好了。”“好的，我对可以再次看到您的星期天已迫不及待了！”这能给人传递一种温暖、友好、积极的处事态度。
5. 拒绝时要附加礼貌的解释
公开、真诚的交流是解决万事的金钥匙。在权衡孰轻孰重上同样如此。当你被邀请参与一个婴儿的洗礼活动而你事先有约打高尔夫时，仅仅一句“对不起，我可能去不了了。”绝对是一个糟糕的回复，尤其是这个婴儿洗礼活动是你的一个要好朋友邀请的。因此，你至少得附加一个真诚的道歉“非常抱歉，那天我已有安排了，但我想我们很快可以再次碰头，到时我会带来一个不错的洗礼礼物！”
你对如何委婉地拒绝请求有什么高招妙计吗？在Slow Down Fast博客上留下你宝贵的意见和建议吧！