When I first announced that I was launching a series of articles about child safety and child sexual abuse issues, I wasn’t quite prepared for the number of emails I received from people wanting to not only express their appreciation that I’m doing this series, but several of them wanted to tell me their personal story of being a victim of sexual abuse, but didn’t feel comfortable leaving a public comment on the post. You may be wondering why I’m even doing this series, since the subject of sexually abused children tends to send chills down the spine of most parents, including mine.
I’ll tell you why I’m doing these posts. I was a victim of sexual abuse when I was a young child, and when I became an adult I did a tremendous amount of research on the subject in order to learn the facts about children being sexually abused, so I could do everything possible to protect my own children from ever becoming a victim.
But, it didn’t work. Despite knowing the statistics and all the known signs and symptoms of child sexual abuse; understanding the “grooming” methods child molesters often use on intended victims; teaching and reminding my children about “good touch, bad touch” on a regular basis; having excellent communication with my children; one of my sons was sexually abused at a young age by a highly respected church minister and close family friend, inside the church we attended at that time.
If you think it is only necessary to watch out for “strangers” who might want to hurt your child, you would be mistaken. You know, “stranger danger” and all that jazz. That is a myth, so forget that idea. Having been abused myself, and being the mother of a child who was sexually abused, I have a lot to say to people who are either uninformed, misinformed, or completely and utterly clueless.
4 Common Myths about Child Sexual Abuse:
Myth #1: You believe that since you live in a nice, safe neighborhood, where you know all your neighbors on a first name basis, and your children play with their children, hanging out at each other’s houses etc, that all is well on the home front.
Fact: Child sexual abuse can happen anywhere, in any neighborhood, in every religion or church group, covering all racial boundaries or ethnic groups, and it certainly doesn’t matter how rich or poor you are. You can live in a beautiful, gated-community of homes worth millions of dollars, and your child is still not protected from being molested or abused.
According to the U.S. Department of Justice national statistics, 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will become victims of sexual abuse by the time they reach their 18th birthday. Not only that, but statistics show that children in elementary school are the most vulnerable and likely targets, and children with disabilities have even higher risk factors. That’s not good news for parents with little children, making it vitally important for parents to become educated about the prevalence of child sexual abuse in society today, without becoming completely paranoid about it.
Myth #2: You have already talked with your children about not allowing anyone to touch their private parts, perhaps even calling those body parts by their proper name, and you believe that’s pretty much all there is to do. You may even have said to your children something like, “No matter what, you can always tell me anything that is on your mind, and I will believe you”.
Fact: Sexual abuse occurs by forcing or manipulating a child in a way that allows the sexual offender to touch the child’s private parts (which may or may not include penetration), or takes photo’s of children without any clothes on, or when an offender exposes themselves to a child, etc. Children need to be taught about sexual abuse, and they need to learn and know the words “sexual abuse”. Listen, you can tell your children over and over about “good touch vs. bad touch” and proper names of body parts, but if your child doesn’t know the correct terminology, how are they going to know how to tell you they were “sexually abused”?!
Myth #3: Most sexual abuse cases are committed by people who are complete strangers to you or your child.
Fact: Closely monitoring the online database for sex offenders who may have moved into your neighborhood simply isn’t enough. 85-90% of child sexual abuse cases are committed by trusted family members and close friends. That includes fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, cousins, babysitters, daycare workers, boyfriends of single mom’s, fellow church members and clergy, and so on.
If I have to write a thousand more posts about sexual abused children, to make it crystal clear who the most likely offenders are, I will write them gladly if it will help just one more parent develop greater awareness to this issue.
Myth #4: You believe that your child would automatically tell you that he or she had been sexually abused. You may say to yourself, “My child and I have such great communication, that I KNOW my child would come and tell me immediately”.
Fact: Most sexually abused children do not tell anyone they were abused, even when directly asked by parents or other authority figures. Victims of sexual abuse are often too afraid that the news will hurt their parents, or they are afraid of not being believed, or they were threatened in some way by the offender.
While some schools offer programs that provide useful information and resources, for children and parents alike, the responsibility of educating children about sexual abuse belongs to the parents. And by the way, sexual abuse does occur in schools too!
Were you a victim of child sexual abuse at some point in your life? Are you a parent of a child who was sexually abused, perhaps now dealing with the agony of not knowing it was happening? Even if you personally have never been abused in this way, I can promise you that someone you know has been victimized sexually, but they just haven’t told you their personal story.
译文:
真实情况VS.错误观念——小谈儿童性虐待
当我在写一系列有关儿童安全和性虐待的文章时，我首次提出儿童性虐待这一问题。那时，我收到了许多读者的来信，让我措手不及。在信中，读者们不仅表达了他们对文章的看法，有一些读者还向我述说了他们的个人故事，告诉我他们是如何成为性虐待的受害者。但如果在文章中公开陈述他们的故事，又会让他们觉得不自在。或许你会有所疑惑，既然性虐待让许多家长不寒而栗，其中也包括我自己，那为什么我还要写这一系列的文章呢？
以下，我想向你们阐述我这样做的理由。当我还是小孩子的时候，我就曾经是一名性虐待的受害者。所以在我长大成年后，我就做了大量的调查，为的就是能够了解那些遭受过性虐待的儿童，那样我就可以尽我所能地去保护我的孩子，不让他们再次成为受害者。
但是，这些努力并没有起作用。尽管我知道那些数据，知道所有受虐儿童所表现出的已知的迹象和症状，知道那些猥亵者经常用在受害者身上的龌龊手段，也教导和提醒我的孩子有关“善意的碰触和恶意的碰触”的常识，与我的孩子有很好的沟通交流，但是我的一个儿子还是在他很小的时候，在我们去教堂的时候被一名高度受人尊敬的牧师性虐待，而且这名牧师还是我们家的一位密友。
如果你认为你只需要时刻关注那些可能会伤害到儿童的陌生人，那你就大错特错了。你要知道，所谓的“陌生人的危险”和所有相关的传说都是胡编乱造的，不能相信，还是快点忘掉这个观点吧！作为曾经的受害者和一名受害者儿童的母亲，我有很多话要对那些对性虐待一无所知，或受到错误引导，或对此无所适从的人说。
4个关于儿童性虐待的错误观念：
观念1：你认为，既然你生活在一个环境舒适安全的小区里，而你又熟识小区里的所有邻居，你们的孩子在一起玩耍，在其他邻居的家里消磨时光……那一切都是安全的，没有任何问题。
事实：儿童性虐待可以在任何地方发生，无论是在小区里，还是在宗教团体或教堂组织里，也没有种族或民族的限制，而且与你是穷人还是富人也没有必然联系。你可以住在价值上百万美元的房子里，漂亮，有警卫，但是你的孩子仍旧没有远离猥亵或性虐待。
根据美国司法部公布的全国数据显示，截止到18周岁为止，每3名女孩中就有1名女孩会成为性虐待的受害者，每5名男孩中就会有1名男孩成为性虐待的对象。不仅如此，该数据还显示，小学生最易到受攻击，最有可能成为目标。另外，有残疾的儿童受性虐待的风险更高。这对家中有小孩的家长来说不是什么好消息。在今天的社会，我们不能盲目地怀疑一切，但教育家长，让他们知道儿童性虐待的普遍仍变得越来越重要。
观念2：或许你已经告诉你的孩子，不要让任何人碰触他们的私密部位，甚至还告诉他们这些身体部位的正确名称，然后你就相信，一切都没有问题了。更甚，你还对你的孩子讲过以下类似的话语：“无论发生什么，你都可以来告诉我你的任何想法，我会相信你所说的一切。”
事实：性侵犯者往往会强迫或引诱儿童，使之允许他们碰触儿童的私处，或许还包括性交行为，或者拍摄儿童的裸照，或者性侵犯者向儿童暴露他们自己的身体……我们需要教导儿童知道关于性虐待的知识，他们需要学习“性虐待”一词的意义。听着，你可以一遍一遍地告诉你的孩子“善意的碰触和恶意的碰触”以及各身体部位的正确名称，但是如果你的孩子不知道正确的术语，他们如何能正确表达意思，告诉你他们被“性虐待”了呢？
观念3：大多数性虐待案件都是陌生人所为。
事实：仅仅紧密监控那些网上数据库里的性侵犯这是否搬入你的小区还不够，85%—90%的儿童性虐待案件都是由信任的家庭成员和亲近的朋友所为，包括父亲，母亲，兄弟姐妹，阿姨叔叔，祖父母，堂兄妹，婴儿照看者，日托班的工作人员，单身母亲的男朋友，教堂里的教友和神职人员等。
即使我还需要写成百上千篇关于儿童性虐待的文章来弄清哪些人最有可能成为性侵犯者，那我也很乐意去做，只要这样做能唤醒一对以上的父母对于这一问题的关注，我就心满意足了。
观念4：你坚信着，你的孩子会主动告诉你他或她有没有遭受过性虐待。或许你会对自己说：“我和我的孩子有着很好的沟通，我知道我的孩子会马上过来告诉我。”
事实：大多数受性虐待的儿童不会让任何人知道这件事，即使被父母或其他机构人员直接询问时，他们也会守口如瓶。性虐待案件的受害者往往会感到害怕，害怕这些消息会伤害他们的父母，或者害怕他们不被人所相信，又或者他们受到了性侵犯者的威胁而不敢说出真相。
尽管许多学校为家长和孩子安排了大量的计划来提供有价值的信息和资源，但是教育孩子有关性虐待的知识始终还是要落在家长身上。顺便说一句，在学校里也会发生性虐待！
你是否曾经是一名儿童性虐待事件的受害者？你是否是一名潜在受害者的父母，却苦于不知道它正在发生？即使你个人没有受到过性虐待，我敢保证，你所认识的人之中一定有性虐待的受害者，知识他们没有告诉过你罢了。