Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week! 
I am writing to you for parental advice. I feel that I don't know what else to do. I have a four-year-old son who is very clingy. I love my son very much. I just feel that I am at the end of my rope. I will go shower and he will lay on the floor outside of the shower until I'm done. If I'm out of his site he will scream and cry until he sees me. I tell him to go with his dad or his 12-year-old sister to do fun activities and he refuses or will keep coming to check on me. I've been patient and understanding but I feel like I am losing my mind. He has also become very disrespectful to myself, husband and sister. It has escalated to him hitting me. I try to give him love and attention but it doesn't seem to be enough. Ignoring my duties and at times my husband, daughter and myself. Please help!!! What do I do? -Leslie
I understand why you're at the end of your ropes, and I read very clearly how much you love your son. So let's get started with a new plan. Since what you've been doing so far (and you've been on this quite a while) doesn't work: Throw it out. Time for a new response.
STEP 1: Identify "Clingy" Triggers. I'm not there to observe your child, so you need to be the detective here. Has your child always been clingy, or is this a new behavior? If this is brand new then dig deeper. What is triggering it? You're describing very anxious-type behaviors. Four-year-olds are afraid of yelling, spanking and stress. They also fear losing a parent. Any of those issues or possibilities? Think outside the house as well. A day care center, teacher or another child? If there is anything else that is triggering this behavior, rectify it ASAP. (Move him out of that day care. Have serious talks with the other family member. Watch your own talking about a stressful situation (a financial crisis, worry about someone's health, marriage etc.) Could be anything. But I don't want to rule this out.
STEP 2: Use Baby Steps. Your best way to change a behavior is PRAISE. Really! But you use it ANYTIME your child uses absolutely ANY teeny tiny show of independence. Say,
"that's mommy's boy. I knew you could do it," but give him something to do--active stuff--so he doesn't just sit and wait. A bag of goodies that will occupy him. Your goal is to gradually stretch him farther and farther from you.
STEP 4: Practice the new desired behavior. Find all the times during the day for him to be seconds, feet, minutes away from you. Let's practice! You're teaching a new habit and it's going to take a while. So keep it easy and simple. Be realistic, but practice "Being Mommy's Big Boy." Little stretches. Then praise, praise, praise!
STEP 4: Don't Beg, plead or nag. Be matter of fact during all of this and stay calm. Your behavior impacts his behavior. Better not to say anything about it. Just say,
"Mommy is going to take a shower" and then do it.
STEP 5: Reward the new behavior. Set up a bag of tricks (Dollar store stuff, trinkets in a bag that he can't see into) or a sticker chart that he earns stickers for something he really wants. At the beginning, for those moments he's on board he gets to pull out a trinket. You must be consistent with this. Make those showers deliberately a little shorter. Your goal is to get him to start doing a new behavior.
STEP 6: Use time out. You're saying he's also hitting and disrespectful. Don't tolerate that behavior. Every time he is disrespectful he must do time out. You do not nag. Just label the wrong behavior by saying,
"that's hitting. That's time out. Start walking to the chair please." At this point the chair should be near you. Give him two times to do the time out. At the end of the second time if he doesn't obey then remove a privilege.
"No TV for the afternoon." Be matter of fact and don't let him get away with it.
If you do the plan right, you should see a gradual decline in the behavior. Everyone else has to be on the same page with you. You must praise the new behavior you want, give him times to practice when he feels safe, be consistent and change your current response. Be much more matter of fact and calm.
It's all about teaching a new habit and stopping the bad behavior.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including
12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know .
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译文:
缠人的孩子
每周Michele Borba都会在她的博克里回答关于孩子抚养的问题.如果你遇到了这方面的难题,你可以在她的博克留言,下一周,你将得到她的回复.
我写信给您是想得到关于抚养孩子方面的建议,我真的对他没办法了.我儿子,4岁了,非常缠人.我非常爱他,只是觉得他让我感到紧张不安.我洗澡,他就要躺在浴室门口直至我洗完澡.如果我从身旁走开,他就会哭叫着,直至看到我.我叫他和他爸爸或12岁的姐姐玩有趣的活动,他不去,还时不时注意我是不是走开了.对他,我很耐心,也理解他,但同时我也感到心绪烦乱.他太不尊重我们了.渐渐地,他现在发展到打我的地步了.我尽量给他爱和关注,但这似乎是不够的.他忽视我对他的付出,有时候甚至忽视我们包括我丈夫﹑女儿还有我.请告诉我,我该怎么办啊?--- Leslie
我能理解你为什么如此紧张不安了.从你的描述可以看出你是爱儿子的.那我们就制定一个计划吧.既然你做了这么多都没有用,就不要继续做了.该采取新的对策了.
第一步:确定孩子缠人的原因.我没有亲自观察你的孩子,所以这回你要当一次“侦探”了.你的孩子是一直这么缠人的吗?抑或这只是最近出现的行为?如果确实是最近才出现的行为,就要深层次地挖掘原因了.是什么引起的呢?由你的描述可以看出孩子的行为是非常焦虑不安的.4岁的孩子害怕大呼小叫,打屁股和害怕压力.他们也害怕失去父亲或母亲.这是问题的症结所在呢还是这只是一种猜测?现在想想户外的原因吧.是全日托儿所,老师还是另外一个小孩造成的?如果发现其他任何原因,都要采取措施处理好它(把小孩从托儿所带回来,不要再去这家托儿所了；认真地与其他孩子的亲属讨论解决；当说到容易产生压力的事情如财政危机,担心某人的健康与婚姻时,注意你的言行).任何事情都有可能引起孩子的焦虑行为,原因很多,我们不能排除以上的可能.
第二步:采用儿童的步调教小孩.改变一种行为的最佳方法是表扬.确实如此！只要你的小孩在自我独立方面取得进步,哪怕只是一点点,你都要表扬他.不要只顾说“你是妈妈的宝贝儿子,我相信你可以的”,还要找些事情给他做,一些调动他的积极性的事,这样他就不会只是坐着干等了.你的目标就是让你的孩子渐渐独立而不再那么缠人.
第三步:反复练习令你满意的新行为.找出一天当中所有能够让你离开两分钟的时候.然后开始练习.你正教小孩培养一个新的习惯,这只需要一点点时间就行了.所以那会是简单又轻松的.告诉他“你是我的好儿子”.他稍有进步,就大加赞赏.
第四步:不要恳求孩子做什么或者抱怨不停.注意所有的进展的细节,并且要保持冷静.你的行为会影响孩子的行为.最好对孩子的行为保持沉默,不要评论太多.只需说“妈妈洗澡了”,然后去洗就是了.
第五步:对孩子的新行为给予奖励.制定一套措施(把小储蓄罐或是小饰物放在不透明的袋子里)或是贴纸图,他必须通过贴图来换取他想要的东西.开始的时候,他把小饰物弄出来.此时你让他弄.故意快点洗完澡.你的目标就是要让孩子养成新的习惯.
第六步:及时改掉他的行为.你说他也打人,不尊重人.不要纵容这种行为.每次他不尊重人的时候, 他必须改掉他的行为.你不要唠叨不停.只是指出他错误的做法说“那时打人的行为,是不对的,要改掉.快点走过椅子那边.”此时,椅子必须是在你附近的.给他两次机会改掉这行为.两次机会后,他还是不改,就取消他的某些“权利”,如“下午不许看电视.”要实事求是,不要让他逃脱惩罚.
如果你正确地实行了计划,你会看到不良行为的逐渐消失.其他人要改掉不良行为也是你一样的做法.你得对满意的行为进行表扬,当他对你不在他身边也感到安全时,你还得给机会他反复练习.不要再用你现在的方法.要更注重事实,保持冷静的头脑。
这就是关于培养新习惯,改掉不良行为的方法与步骤.
点击这里阅读更多Michele Borba对有关问题的回答,或者你可以在你的问题下留下一些评论,或许下个星期,你可以得到答案.
Michele Borba博士是22多本书的作者,包括《合格妈妈应该知道的12个简单秘诀》.
想了解更多,请访问TODAY on iVillage.