Caesar was right.Thin people need watching.I’ve been watching them for most of my adult life,and I don’t like what I see.When these narrow fellows spring at me,I quiver to my toes.Thin people come in all personalities,most of them menacing.You’ve got your “together” thin person,your mechanical thin person,your condescending thin person,your tsk-tsk thin person,your eficiency-expert thin person.All of them are dangerous. In the first place,thin people aren’t fun.They don’t know how to goof off,at least in the best,fat sense of the word.They’ve always got to be adoing.Give them a coffee break,and they’ll jog around the block.Supply them with a quiet evening at home,and they’ll fix the screen door and lick S&H green stamps.They say things like “there aren’t enough hours in the day.”Fat people never say that.Fat people thind the day is too damn long already.
Thin people make me tired.They’ve got speedy little metabolisms that cause them to bustle briskly.They’re forever rubbing their bony hands together and eyeing new problems to “tackle.” I like to surround myself with sluggish,inert,easygoing fat people,the kind who believe that if you clean it up today,it’ll just get dirty again tomorrow.
Some people say the business about the jolly fat person is a myth,that all of us chubbies are neurotic,sick,sad people.I disagree.Fat people may not be chortling all day long,but they’re a hell of a lot nicer than the wizened and shriveled.Thin people turn surly,mean,and hard at a young age because they never learn the value of a hot-fudge sundae for easing tension.Thin people don’t like gooey soft things because they themselves are neither gooey nor soft.They are crunchy and dull,like carrots.They go straight to the heart of the matter while fat people let things stay all blurry and hazy and vague,the way things actually are.Thin people want to face the truth.Fat people know there is no truth.One of my thin friend s is always staring at complex,unsolvable problems and saying,”The key thing is…”Fat people never say that.They know there isn’t any such things as the key thing about anything.
Thin people believe in logic.Fat people see all sides.The sides fat people see are rounded blobs,usually gray,always nebulous and truly not worth worrying about.But the thin people persists.”If you consume more calories than you burn,”says one of my thin friends,”you will gain weight.It’s that simple.”Fat people always grin when they hear statements like that they know better.
Fat people realize that life is illogical and unfair.They know very well that God is not in his heaven and all is not right with the world.If God was up there,fat people could have two doughnuts and a big orange drink anytime they wanted it.
Thin people have a long list of logical things they are always spouting off to me.They hold up one finger at a time as they reel off these things,so I won’t lose track.They speak slowly as if to a young child.The list is long and full of holes.It contains tidbits like “get a grip on yourself,” ”cigarettes kill,” ”cholesterol clops,” ”fit as a fiddle,” ”ducks in a row,” “organize,”and “sound fiscal management.”Phrases like that.
They think these 2000-point plans lead to happiness.Fat people know happiness is elusive at best and even if they could get the kind thin people talk about,they wouldn’t want it.Wisely,fat people see that such programs are too dull,too hard,too off the mark.They are never better than a whole cheesecake.
Fat people know all about the mystery of life.They are the ones acquainted with the night,with luck,with fate,with playing it by ear.One thin person I know once suggested that we arrange all the parts of a jigsaw puzzle into groups according to size,shape,and color.He figured this would cut the time needed to complete the puzzle by at least 50 percent.I said I wouldn’t do it.One,I like to muddle through.Two,what good would it do to finish early?Three,the jigsaw puzzle isn’t the important thing.The important thing is the fun of four people(one thin person included)sitting around a card table,working a jigsaw puzzle.My thin friend had no use for my list.Instead of joinging us,he went outside and mulched the boxwoods.The three remaining fat people finished the puzzle and made chocolate,double_fudged brownies to celebrate.
The main problem with thin people is they oppress.Their good intentions,bony torsos,tight ships,neat corners,cerebral machinations,and pat solutions loom like dark clouds over the loose,comfortable,spreadout,soft world of the fat.Long after fat people have removed their coats and shoes and put their feet up on the coffee table,thin people are still sitting on the edge of the sofa,looking neat as a pin,discussing rutabagas.Fat people are heavily int fits of laughter,slapping their thighs and whooping it up,while thin people are still politely waiting for the punch line.
Thin people are downers.They like math and morality and reasond evaluation of the limitations of human beings.They have their skinny little acts together.They expound,prognose,probe ,and prick.
Fat people are convivial.They will like you even if you’re irregular and have acne.They will come up with a good reason why you never wrote the great American novel.They will cry in your beer with you.They will put your name in the pot.They will let you off the hook.Fat people will gab,giggle,guffaw,gallumph,gyrate,and gossip.They are generous,giving,and gallant.They are gluttonous and goodly and great.What you want when you’re down is soft and jiggley,not muscled and stable.Fat people know this.Fat people have plenty of room.Fat people will take you in.
译文:
瘦人瘦相
恺撒大帝说的一点不错。瘦人的确需要好好得观察。我成年后的大半辈子都在仔细得观察着他们，结果是，我实在不怎么喜欢我所看到的。当这些瘦瘦的家伙蹦跳着朝我过来，我便浑身颤栗。这些人儿性格各异，大多为阴险狡诈之徒。你会遇见诸如精明的瘦人，呆板机械的瘦人，谦逊的瘦人，啧啧挑剔的瘦人亦或是效率专家般的瘦人。不过，这些瘦人都是危险人物。
首先，瘦人不够风趣。他们不知道该如何游手好闲，至少，胖人们对这个词可是具有相当的认识。他们经常做些费力不讨好的事。给他们一个喝咖啡的空闲，他们却在小区里慢跑；让他们安静得在家里待一晚，他们却顾自安装起纱门或是舔着S&H邮票,贴进收藏夹里。他们总说“时间都不够用了”。胖人从来不会这么说。在胖人看来，这天已经过得够漫长的了。
瘦人会让我感觉到很累。他们的新陈代谢有点快，于是，人也特别喧嚷好动。他们永远都搓着那双瘦骨嶙峋的手，眼睛盯着一个个新冒出来的问题，一副跃跃欲试的模样。我喜欢自己处在那些慵懒悠闲的胖人身边。他们通常都认为，你今个把它打扫干净了，明个儿又会变脏的，那你又何必打扫呢？
有些人说那些乐呵的胖人的生活是一个谜。他们都是些有点神经质，显得病怏怏，而又悲伤的人。我却并不以为然。胖人虽不至于整天笑呵呵着，但比起许多消瘦如稿木的瘦人可要强多了。年轻时候，瘦人们就自信满满，却又小气疤瘌，很难相处，他们从不知道淋着热热浓糖浆的圣代对于减轻压力有怎样的功效。瘦人不喜欢软而粘的东西。因为他们自己既不粘也不软。他们脆弱易碎，单调无趣，就像萝卜。他们直捣事物的中心，而胖人则让事物维持原来的状态，朦胧如最初。瘦人想要面对事物的真相，而胖人从一开始就知道，事物原本就没什么真相。我的一个瘦朋友经常盯着那些复杂棘手的难题，说“事情的关键在于... ...”。胖人们从不会这样说。他们知道任何事都没什么所谓的关键点。
瘦人们信任逻辑推理。胖人们却注意观察事物的方方面面。他们所见之物无非是那圆圆的小污点，通常为朦胧的灰色，没什么值得担心的。不过，瘦人们却坚持说那可是个问题。“如果你消耗的卡路里比你摄进的要多，”我的一个瘦朋友就这样说，“那你就会胖起来了。道理就这么简单。”胖人们在听了这席话后，通常都咧嘴一笑，因为这些他们可知道的比你们瘦人多。
胖人们意识到生活是不公平的，而且毫无逻辑可言。他们非常清楚，上帝并不在天堂，世界也并不和谐。如果上帝真的高高在上，那胖人想什么时候来两个甜甜圈和一大杯的橘子汁，就可以什么时候来。
瘦人们有一长串的富有逻辑的事情，他们经常滔滔不绝得向我讲述。每讲完一件，他们就竖起一个手指，不至于使我摸不清状况。他们说得慢条斯理，就像在对一个孩童说话那样。他们的清单冗长而又漏洞百出。其中包括“自我控制”，“吸烟有害健康”，“小心胆固醇”，“身体硬朗”，“出色完成任务”，“井然有序”，“有效理财”这样一条条小标语。
瘦人们认为这2000条的计划能够将他们引向幸福。而胖人们知道幸福从来就是不易捉摸的，他们会听听那些和善些的瘦人说说对幸福的追逐，但他们是不会采取如此行动的。他们觉得这些计划太过呆板，太过僵硬，完全脱离轨道。它们永远比不上一整块奶油蛋糕。
胖人们知晓生命的神秘。他们与夜晚交好，与运气交好，与命运交好，熟谙船到桥头自然直的道理。我认识的一个瘦人在我们玩拼图游戏的时候曾经建议我们，先将拼图根据其大小、形状以及颜色来进行分类。他说这样，至少可以省去我们一半的时间来完成这份拼图。我说，我不会这么做的。其一，我喜欢这么捉摸着玩。其二，那么早把它拼完有什么好处呢？其三，拼图又不是什么特别重要的事。真正重要的是我们四人（其中包括那位瘦人）一块围坐在牌桌边一起玩拼图游戏的乐趣啊。我的这位瘦朋友可不认可我的这几点，于是他就一个人出去为黄杨木做护篱了。剩下我们这三个胖人，完成了拼图，又做了巧克力和双份的淋着糖浆的饼干来庆祝。
瘦人最主要的问题是他们都很压抑。他们那善意的意图,瘦削的体格,严谨的行事风格，他们那洁净的衣角，周密的计划，以及科学的分析方式就像那凝重的乌云飘浮在这些行动缓慢，闲意自在，柔软四散的胖人世界上空。当胖人们脱掉外套和鞋子，把脚倚在咖啡桌上许久后，瘦人们仍然坐在沙发的边沿，穿得整整洁洁，讨论着黄色蔓青。当胖人们拍着大腿，发出一阵一阵大笑，而且说话声音越来越大时，瘦人们却仍然有礼貌得在那等着那句笑点。
瘦人们通常令人很沮丧。他们喜欢数学、道德以及对人类极限的理性评估。芝麻大小的事，他们都安排得有条不紊。他们喜欢做详细的解释，预测未来的事情，喜欢观察喜欢深究。
胖人们却是令人愉快的。即便你行为古怪，满脸粉刺，他们也会与你交好。他们会为你从来写不出伟大的美国小说想出一个很好的理由。他们会与你一道喝酒解闷，让你喝得酩酊大嘴。他们还会从困境中拉你一把。胖人们话多、爱咯咯得笑、狂笑，走路意气扬扬，左转右转，还喜欢聊八卦。他们慷慨大方，喜欢给予，见义勇为。他们贪吃，为人却友好善良。失落时，你需要的是温柔的话语和安抚，而不是坚毅的行为和挺立。胖人们深知这一点。他们有足够的空间，可以将你放在心上。