Of course we worry about our kids. It’s only natural to do so. We love our children more than life itself and want them to be happy and successful, and when they aren’t it hurts. When we see our kids struggle, have trouble fitting in, or recognize that they are somehow noticeably “different” from their peers, our worry buttons go off big time.
So when should you worry—really worry--if your child is “quirky,” or noticeably different from the other kids? When does quirkiness just mean being eccentric, thinking outside the box, or being creative or gifted or just wonderfully different? And just when should you go along with the recommendation of those “well-meaning” relatives and get your child diagnosed and seek out special treatment because that quirkiness is making it difficult for him to function and feel good about himself?
(Watch the video from the Today Show!)
Those are the questions I was asked by parents when I taught special education. It's one of the tougher aspects of parenting. If you have a quirkier kid, here are a few strategies to help you know when to worry or when to just relax, develop a tougher skin, and learn to accept his more eccentric ways:
1. Use the “Happy Test.” Tune in to your child a bit closer over the next few days, and then watch her in different situations including with siblings, friends, relatives, classmates, teammates, strangers, as well as alone. Now on a scale of one to ten (ten being the highest and one the lowest), rate your child’s overall “Happiness Quotient.” Keep in mind that every kid has good and bad days and even weeks. The big question is: “How happy is your child in general these past few weeks?” Worry if your child’s overall “Happiness Quotient” or emotional well-being is a persistent problem and not a one-day or one-week event.
2. Target specific quirks. Pretend you are describing your child’s quirkiness to your best girlfriend who has never met him. Be specific. What would you say? “She flaps her hands when excited." "He never makes eye contact." "Her speech is delayed three years according to those charts." "He has exorcist-like tantrums and can’t calm down." Worry when your child’s quirky behavior is not intentional (she can’t stop flapping her hands; she doesn’t mean to put her hands over her ears to block out any sounds), overly obsessive and is causing relationship hardships.
3. Is it really a problem? Is your child “differences” getting in the way of his life or are his quirks something you can’t accept? Keep in mind that your child may well be having a perfectly good time in that classroom -- even if he’s not invited to all those birthday parties. She may be passionate about her grasshopper collection -- even though the rest of the kids are completely turned off. Worry if your child's quirkiness is making it difficult for her to function in life (in school, home, with peers, in public).
4. Consult the experts. When should you act on your worry and get help about your kid’s quirkiness? Worry if you are haunted by a persistent feeling that something is not right. Here are other issues that should prompt you to get help:
• Your worry is nagging and persistent over a period of time: “Something isn’t right. I just know it!” You know your child better than anyone.
• Your child’s persistent quirkiness is getting in the way of his character, reputation, or peer relationships.
• Family life has become difficult; the other siblings are suffering; you’re walking on egg shells.
• The quirkiness is a medical or pre-existing family condition.
• Individuals who really care about your child and whose opinions you trust are telling you to get help.
Consult only professionals who have a thorough understanding of child development. Do know that even then their advice varies depending upon their training (a pediatric neurologist's opinion will be quite different from an occupational therapist or special education teacher). Be prepared for frustrations.
5. Should you label your child? Sensory Disorder. Asperger’s Syndrome. ADHD. Learning Disabilities. Autism. Your next worry is whether to diagnosis the quirkiness and label your child. There is a big Catch-22: Without it your child won’t be able to receive specific treatment or available educational and psychological resources. There are no easy, clear-cut answers to the labeling game. Labels were designed for one purpose: to facilitate treatment. The right diagnosis can be a huge relief and save you hundreds of dollars if your child needs special resources. The earlier the treatment the better. But unless he needs this, forego the branding. It can be stigmatizing and self-fulfilling. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with being eccentric. I’m sure Einstein, Mozart, Elton John, and Robin Williams would have been considered quirky kids, but they were able to function. So think through the pros and cons carefully. Vote yes if the label would help your child’s chances for a better, easier life. So answer this big question: Does your child’s quirkiness really need a label?
The fact is, each kid is different. Some are more like sunflowers and tumbleweeds and just roll with the punches, fit in and are easier. Others are more temperamental, need more nurturing, and are simply more difficult to raise like African Violets or orchids. Our big parenting challenge is to figure out who our child is and what makes him tick so we can keep his spirit, provide whatever he needs to help him get along in life, and love him for who he really is. The most effective parenting is always tailored to our kids.
Your child's quirkiness may get raised eyebrows and negative comments, so do develop a poker face and have one great comeback line ready to deliver at the perfect moment. “Thank heavens he’s not like the rest of the world” or “We’re raising the next Mozart… or Einstein…or Robin Williams.” Say it with confidence and walk on. Whatever your worries, your role is to always be your child’s best advocate.
译文:
你的孩子古怪吗？
理所当然,我们会为孩子们担心.这是天性使然。我们把孩子看的比我们的生命更重要，并且希望他们开心，成功，当情况相反我们会很心疼。当我们看到我们的孩子挣扎奋斗，难以适应，或是看出孩子和同龄人有显著的区别，我们会非常的担心。
所以如果孩子是古怪的，或明显异常于其他孩子，那你才需要担心，真正的 担心。什么时候离奇仅仅意味着不合常规，与常人考虑的不同，有创造力或有天赋，或是仅仅是与众不同？什么时候你应该听从“善意”的亲戚们的评价，让你的孩子接受诊断，寻找专门的治疗因为那种古怪使得他很难发挥作用并且没有自信。
（看看来自今日秀的视频！）
那些是我在教授特殊教育时一些父母问我的问题。这是家长们感觉棘手的一个方面。如果你有一个比较异常的孩子，这有些策略可以帮助你知道什么时候应该担心，什么时候放宽心，让自己更有承受力，学会接受他比较古怪的方式：
１．运用＂快乐测试＂．在接下来的几天与孩子亲密一点，然后在不同情形下去观察他，包括和兄弟在一起，和朋友，和亲戚，和同学，和队友，和陌生人在一起的时候，以及独处的时候．现在你的孩子快乐的概率是一到十（十是最高的，一是最低的）．记住每个孩子都有开心的几天和糟糕的几天甚至是几周．最大的问题是：＂总体上来说过去的几周你的孩子快乐吗？＂如果你孩子的快乐份额或情感安宁是一个持续的问题而不是一天，一个星期的问题那么你再担心吧。
2。对于怪异制定明确的标准。假设现在你正和一个从未见过你孩子的最亲密的女友描述你孩子的古怪。需要明确的表达。你会说些什么？“当她兴奋得时候她拍手." "他从不和人对视." “参照图表她的语言滞后三年。”“他有驱魔师般的脾气而且无法平静下来。” 当你孩子的异常行为不是故意的（她不能停止拍手;她不想把手放在耳朵上来阻止任何声音），是过度执着并且会造成关系困难你再着急吧。
3。这真的是问题吗？你孩子的古怪是他的生活方式还是仅仅是你无法接受而这么认为而已？记住可能你的孩子在班级里是非常开心的即使他没有被邀请去参加所有的生日聚会。她可能狂热的爱好收集蚱蜢即使其他的孩子对此都很厌恶。如果你孩子的古怪使得她很难在生活中发挥作用（在学校里，在家里，和同龄人相处中，在公共场所）时你再担心吧。
4。向专家咨询。什么时候你应当付诸行动，帮助你的孩子纠正其怪异的行为？如果你一直感觉有什么不对劲时你再担忧吧。如有以下问题你应该去寻求帮助：
- 你的担忧持续了一段时间：“我就知道有什么不对劲！”你比其他任何人都了解你的孩子。
- 你孩子持续的怪异会影响他的性格，声誉或者是和同龄人之间的关系。
- 家庭生活变得困难；其他孩子为此受到了伤害；你如履薄冰。
- 怪异已涉及医学范畴或有家族史。
- 那些一直很关心你孩子的人以及你所信任的人都建议你去求助。
咨询那些对孩子的发展有彻底了解的教授。要明白甚至是他们的建议也会由于他们的所受的训练而有差异。（一个小儿神经科医生的观点和一个职业的临床医学家或专业的教育家的观点会大相径庭。）要有受挫折的心理准备。
5。你应该对你的孩子确诊吗？感官紊乱。埃斯皮格并发症。
注意力缺陷过动症。学习障碍。孤独症。你接下来要担忧的是是否去诊断他的怪异，给你的孩子定下某个病的名称。否则你的孩子无法接受专门的治疗，无法得到有教育性的心理资源。这是没有轻而易举，明白清楚地答案的。确诊只有一个目的：为了帮助治疗。如果你的孩子需要专门的资源，正确的诊断是一个巨大的缓解同时可以为你省下一大笔钱。越早治疗越好。但是如果他不需要这些，那就放弃吧，否则这会是一种诬蔑。另外，古怪并没有什么错。我肯定爱因斯坦，莫扎特，爱尔通约翰，以及罗宾韦廉姆斯都曾被认为是怪异的孩子，但他们能够发挥自己的作用。所以要从正反两个方面仔细考虑。如果确诊可以帮助你的孩子有机会过更好，更轻松的生活，那就投赞成票。所以先回答这个重要的问题：你孩子的异常的确需要确诊治疗吗？
事实是，每个孩子都是不同的。一些更像是太阳花和滚草，比较柔顺，另一些个性更加倔强，需要更多的营养物，并且像非洲的紫罗兰或兰花那样更难养育。对我们父母来说最大的挑战是要判断我们的孩子到底是什么样的，什么使得他变成这样，之后我们就能够提供任何他所需要的来帮助他适应生活，并且不论他是什么样的都爱他。最有效的养育之道是能体谅，理解孩子．
可能你孩子的怪异会引起诧异和否定的评价，那你要做到面无表情，并且准备好反驳之辞．“感谢上帝他是好样的”或者“我们正在养育下一个莫扎特。。。或爱因斯坦。。。或罗宾韦廉姆斯。”要满怀自信的说。不论你担心什么，你的作用是永远做你孩子的拥护者。