And the Best Parenting Strategies to Help Your Kid Deal With Each Crucial Milestone Think life changes are just for adults? Think again. There are seven critical milestones kids go through as well that are considered “Major Childhood Moments” because they are so instrumental in our children's development. We just may not realize how important they are, and in some cases just how much stress they can cause our kids. A big part of parenting is guiding our kids through each life change so they can learn and grow from the experience. After all, childhood is really one big preparation for the real world.
So here are the
7 Big Life Changes for Kids and
best parenting strategies for each crucial milestone to help your child.
Life Change 1: FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL Key Childhood Emotion: Separation Anxiety Let's face it. Having our kids go off to school for the first time is a tough parent moment. We realize our babies are no more and that umbilical cord has been severed. Of course each child is different, but saying goodbye can be a frightening experience for a child as well. It's adjusting to a new place, someone else's rules, worrying about using the bathroom, and getting along with other kids. It's natural for your child to feel a little anxious. Adjustment may take from a day to several weeks, so be patient and check in with the teacher. This experience really starts kids on the path towards independence and helps shape their ability to cope and handle life without us. It's all why the first day of school is considered the first big life change for kids.
Best Parenting Strategy: For a few weeks prior to the sendoff have him stay with a babysitter, grandparent or friend a little more than usual and create a private “goodbye” like a secret handshake or kiss. Take him for a school visit, but don't overhype it! On the actual sendoff day, stay positive and calm. Your child reacts to your cues. Start him on an activity like a puzzle or help him find a familiar face. Put a special pebble or keychain with your photo in his pocket and explain when he touches it it means you're thinking of him. Or give him a watch to wear and mark with a marking pen the exact time you'll pick him up. Keep goodbyes short and use that secret “goodbye” ritual, but don't linger! (It just increases anxiety). And be sure to pick him up when you said. If he cries when you pick him up take it as a compliment! It usually means he's delighted to see you, not that he hates school.
Life Change 2: FIRST FAILURE Key Childhood Emotion: Dejection Around the age of 6 or 7 kids begin to measure themselves in relation to other peers and discover they may not be as good (a soccer player, speller, runner, reader) as others. This is also the age when peer humiliation (along with disappointing a parent) become childhood fears, so failing in front of pals can be a huge ego blow. But failure is also a blessing in disguise and an important kid milestone. It's from those failures that kids learn how to deal with setbacks, and those experiences can actually increase their resilience, coping skills and self-esteem. Far too many kids don't realize that successful people don't let setbacks derail them: they just find new routes to success.
Best Parenting Strategy: Teach your child that mistakes are how we learn, and give your child permission to make them. When you make a mistake, tell your child not only what your mistake was but also what you learned from it. (“My mistake was…I learned…and next time I'll….”) And from this moment on when your child errs, be accepting but offer support only when needed. If you always rescue your child from a mistake you rob your child from figuring out the problem alone and the confidence to try the next time.
Life Change 3: FIRST NIGHT AWAY FROM HOME Key Childhood Emotion: Homesickness Whether it's your child's first sleepover, weekend with Grandma or that summer camp experience, kids are bound to miss something about home-sweet-home. For many kids the idea of spending time away from everything that's familiar is scary and those pangs of homesickness can range from mild to almost debilitating. But a first night away is a milestone that prepares kids for eventually moving away and living on their own.
Best Parenting Strategy: There is no magic age when a child is ready to be away from home but three good tests are:
- Can she sleep in her own bed through the night?
- Does she have any problems separating from you?
- Does she want to do this?
Research shows what parents say beforehand to their kids makes a big difference on the intensity of homesickness so keep any of your concerns to yourself.
Life Change 4: FIRST MOVE Key Childhood Emotion: Insecurity & Fear Being uprooted is a major life changes that can be unsettling as well as frightening. This means far more than just fixing up a new bedroom but also changing schools, making new friends, joining a new team, playgroup, scout troop, let alone trying to fit in. It is quite normal for a child to display a range of emotions and even respond as though he's experiencing grief - especially two weeks before and two weeks after a move when the reality of the change is most likely to sink in. It sometimes takes a number of months for a child to adjust, but it also can help kids learn coping skills and friendship making.
Best Parenting Strategy: Focus on what you can do to make the transition smoother and anticipate your kid's concerns. Show photos of your new house. Go online with your kids to check out the new school and curriculum, soccer club, and even see an aerial view of your house and neighborhood and help her start to feel more settled even before the moving date. Find outlets for your kid that attracts peers. Remain as positive as possible. Remember: what makes a house a home is always the love shared inside.
Life Change 5: FIRST LOSS OF A LOVE ONE Key Childhood Emotion: GRIEF The death of a close loved one is one of the most stressful events that a youngster can ever face, and grief is one of the most intense emotions we can experience. How we respond is critical since it can have a powerful impact on our child's emotional health and outlook on life. Your child needs to learn that his emotions are normal. For some kids this is the first time they understand that death is a final, irreversible part of life and are now aware of the possibility of their own death. But this life change can help kids learn healthy ways to cope with grief and a positive sense of hope for the future.
Best Parenting Strategy: Children's understanding of death develops in stages, so it is crucial to know those stages so you can talk to your child about death at a level your child can grasp. Parenting techniques like always telling the truth, allowing a child to ask questions, suggesting positive outlets like planting a tree to honor the loved one help youngsters deal with loss. It often takes months for a child to recover from the loss of a parent. If you don't see a gradual diminishment of grief and it continues to affect her daily life seek help. If the loved one was close to you as well, make sure to take care of yourself as well, so you can deal with our own sorrow as well as help our child. The most difficult times for a child are often the anniversary of the death, during holidays, a school event or at times of other losses.
Life Change 6: FIRST LOVE Key Childhood Emotion: REJECTION Kids usually start “Pairing off” and being involved in more intense-type relationships around ages 12 and 13, though sometimes as early as fifth grade. Those first big crushes can be nerve-wracking as all get-out to parents. But first love relationships are like dress rehearsals for later intimacy. Those first relationships help adolescents learn crucial life lessons like empathy, respect, communication, compromise, sensitivity, sharing, as well as emotional growth. A lot more dating and maturing is needed before kids have those traits under their belt. Regardless of whether the relationship lasts or not (and the vast majority don't), first feelings are real, so a breakup can be quite painful to a girl (as well as to a boy). This is emotionally distressing stuff but new research shows that getting dumped at age 12 may feel even more emotionally devastating than at age 40. That's because kids don't yet have that inner stamina that helps them get through heartbreak.
Best Parenting Strategy: Don't dismiss your child's pain. Better to show a little empathy: “I'm so sorry…you must hurt.” Ask questions and offer advice only if asked. Your lectures on why this one wasn't “Mr. Right” can be held for a later time. Right now just sympathize, show support and be available. While you're at it, hold the “You'll get over it” comment as well. You know she'll find another love and move on but your kid doesn't need to hear it right now.
Life Change 7: GRADUATION Key Childhood Emotion: FEAR & ELATION If ever there was an emotional roller coaster, high school graduation rules. It can be one of the most stressful or exhilarating times in a kid's life. There is test-taking, application filling, acceptance waiting, job searching, box packing and apartment finding. The reality of moving away from home is unsettling at best, but if your future is uncertain it can be darn frightening. This is the last big life change when our child is living under our roof. Realizing that our child's childhood is over is one of our toughest parenting moments.
Best Parenting Strategy: Letting go is going to be different than you expected and usually a far more emotionally charged experience than you realize. So be prepared. Sort out your emotions before your child leaves. He needs to know you will survive without him so don't pull your kid into this (“What am I going to do without you?”). Have those “big talks” (credit cards, phone bills, and safety concerns) before the moving day. On the actual moving day, take your teen's lead. This is the moment to switch your role from doer to guider. Say whatever wisdom you have to offer, whether it is, "I love you", "I'm behind you," "I'm proud of you" - kids do hold on to those words. Then as your teen drives off remember to look at the person he has become. Next time you see your child he will have changed: You will have lost a child and gained an adult.
The Navaho proverb says it best: “We raise our children to leave us.” Your whole parenting has aimed for this moment. And a big part of your success is helping your child through these Seven Big Life Changes. So celebrate!
HOW TO KNOW WHEN TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR CHILD We should always keep an eye on our kids, but especially during these seven big life changes. Use the “
Too Much Worry Index” to help you gauge how your child is adjusting and whether you should seek help for your child:
- Too Different: Your child's behavior is too different from what is normal for him.
- Too Much: The problem has gone on too long or is too intense.
- Too Hard: Your child is struggling or hurting too much.
- Too Many: Other areas of your child's life are affected (school, friends, home, etc).
The best measure is always your instinct. So if your parenting radar says something is not right, GET HELP!
译文:
孩子一生中七个重大变化
父母对孩子教育的最好的策略是帮助孩子面对人生每一个重要的里程碑
考虑一下只有大人的生活改变吗？再想一下。孩子需要经过七个重要的里程碑，这七个里程碑被认为是“关键的童年时刻”因为他们对孩子的发展是至关重要的。我们可能没有认识到他们的重要性和在某些状况下会对孩子产生的压力。父母对孩子教育重要的一部分是指导孩子通过每一个人生的变化，使他们从经验中学习，成长。毕竟，童年确实是现实世界的一个重要的准备期。
所以以下是孩子一生中七个重大变化，以及在每个至关重要的里程碑中帮助孩子的最好教育策略。
人生变化1 ：第一天上学
主要的童年情绪：分离的担忧
让我们来面对。让孩子第一次去学校是艰难的父母时刻。我们意识到孩子不再是那个孩子，脐带已经被割断。当然每个孩子是不同的，但是对于孩子来说说再见也是一个可怕的经历。一个新的地方，其他的人的规则，担心上厕所，与其他孩子相处，都需要调整。孩子感到一点担心很自然的事。调整可能要经历一天到几个星期，所以要耐心，并且和老师办理相关手续。这个经验真地开始了孩子的独立之路，帮助他们养成在没有我们的情况下处理，对待人生的能力。这就是为什么上学的第一天被认为是孩子人生中第一次重大的改变。
最好的教育策略：在临行前的几个星期让他和保姆，祖父母或者朋友在一起时有些不同，制造一个“秘密的”再见，比如一个秘密的握手或者亲吻。带他到学校参观，但不要过度的推销它。在实际欢送的那天，保持积极，镇静。孩子会对你的暗示做出反应。以一个活动开始，比如谜语或者帮他找到一个熟悉的面孔。把一个带有你照片的特殊小圆石或者钥匙环放到他的口袋，并且解释当他拿着它时，意味着你正在想他。或者给他带上手表，用记号笔标出你接他的准确时间。简短的再见，秘密“再见”仪式，但是不要逗留!(那样会增加担忧)既然你说了，就要确定去接他。等你接他的时候，如果他哭了，称赞他一下。通常这意味着他很高兴看到你，并不是他不喜欢学校。
人生变化2 ：第一次失败
主要的童年情绪：沮丧
大约6，7岁的孩子开始与同龄人比较，并且发现他们可能不如其他人（足球运动员，拼字者，赛跑者，读者）。这也是个同龄屈辱（同时伴随着也会令父母失望）变成童年恐惧的年龄，所以在伙伴面前的失败会造成自尊的巨大打击。但是失败也是一种存在伪装中的祝福，是孩子重要的里程碑。从这些失败中还在学会了如何对待挫折，这些经验可以增加他们的弹性，处理问题的技巧和自尊。太多的孩子没有认识到成功人士不会让挫折摧毁他们：他们在寻找成功的新出路。
最好的教育策略：教育你的孩子如何从错误中学习，允许孩子犯错误。当你犯错误时，告诉你的孩子不仅犯的错误是什么，而且你从中学到什么。（“我的错误是……我学会……并且下次我会……”）从孩子犯错误这一刻开始，接受但是只在需要的时候提供支持。如果你总是从错误中解救你的孩子，你就会抢夺了孩子独立处理问题机会和下次尝试的信心。
人生变化3 ：离开家的第一晚
主要的童年情绪：想家
如果你的孩子第一次在外面过夜，周末与祖母在一起或者夏令营，孩子一定会想念甜蜜的家。对于大多数的孩子来说把时间花费在那些远离自己熟悉的事物上是恐怖的，想家的阵痛会从温和到几乎衰弱。但是第一个晚上的离开是为准备孩子的最终离开和自己生活的里程碑。
最好的教育策略：当孩子准备离开家时没有一个准确年龄，但是有三个很好的测试：
在夜里她能独自入睡？
与你分开她有问题吗？
她想这样做吗？
研究表明父母对孩子预先说了什么会对想家的强烈程度会有不同影响，所以对你自己保持自己所关心的。
人生变化4：第一次搬家
主要的童年情绪： 不安全和害怕
搬家是一个主要巨大的人生改变，存在着不安和恐惧。这意味着不仅仅是安装一张新床，而且需要转学，交新朋友，加入一个新的队伍，操场，童子军，要很孤独的去适用。对孩子来说表现出情感的变化和如果是悲伤的反应是很正常的-当这种改变的现实最可能被理解时，特别在搬家前两个星期和后两个星期。孩子有时需要花费几个月的来调整，也可以帮助孩子学习处理问题的技巧和友谊的建立。
最好的教育策略：关注那些可以使你搬家顺利的事，希望你的孩子关心这件事。展示一下你新房子的照片。在搬家之前，在网上与还在查看一下新学校和课程，足球俱乐部，甚至从空中俯视你的房子和临近街区，帮助她开始感到更加稳定。为你的孩子找到一些可以吸引同龄人的渠道。尽量保持积极记住：构成房子和家的是分享在里面的爱。
人生变化5：所爱的人逝去
主要童年情绪：悲伤
一个亲密的喜欢的人逝去是一个孩子所面临的最悲伤的事情之一，悲伤是我们所经历的最强烈的情感。我们的反应至关重要是因为那样会对孩子生活中的情感健康和未来有重要的影响。你的孩子需要学得是情感保持稳定。对一些孩子来说，这是第一次他们懂得死亡是最终的，不可避免的人生部分，现在也会知道他们自己死亡的可能性。但是这种生活的变化帮助孩子们学会了以健康的方式去处理悲伤和对未来有乐观的态度。
最好的教育策略：孩子对死亡的认识在这个阶段得到发展，所以了解这个步骤很重要，所以你可以和你的孩子在他能够理解的范围内谈论死亡。教育的技巧比如说真话，允许孩子问问题，建议一些积极的方法，例如，种一颗树来纪念亲人，这样能帮助孩子面对所失去的。孩子一般需要经历几个月从失去父母中恢复过来。如果你没有发现悲伤逐渐减少，持续影响她的日常生活，寻求帮助。如果这位亲人也很你很亲密，同时确定照顾好你自己，所以能处理好我们自己的悲伤同样也会帮助孩子。对于孩子最艰难的时期是逝去的周年，这个时候在假期，学校活动或者其他损失的时间。
人生变化6：第一次恋爱
主要的童年情绪：拒绝
孩子通常开始“成双成对”，陷入了更加亲密的关系大约在12，13岁，虽然有时较早会在五年级。这种第一次巨大的冲击对于所有外出的父母来说是非常伤脑筋的。但是第一次恋爱关系像是为以后的亲密彩排。这些第一次的关系帮助青少年学会了重要的人生课程，像心意相通，尊重，交流，妥协，敏感，分享，还有情感的成长。在孩子在暴露他们特点时，更多的约会和成熟是需要的。无论这种关系是否持续（大多数是不会的），第一感觉是真实的，所以分手对一个女孩来说是十分痛苦的（同时对于一个男孩也是）。这是感情上令人痛苦的东西，但是研究表明在12岁时失恋会比40岁在感情上更感到毁灭，这就是因为孩子们还没有内心忍耐，内心忍耐可以帮助他们走出伤心事。
最好的教育策略：不要驱散孩子的痛。最好表达一下心意相通：“对不起......你一定会受伤。”在如果问问题时，回答问题，提供答案。你关于为什么这位不是“白马王子”的课程可以在稍后再讲。现在就是同情，表达支持并可利用。当你遇到这种情况，同时抓住“你会好起来的”评论。你知道她将找到其他所爱的，会继续前进但是你的孩子现在不需要听这个。
人生变化7：毕业
主要的童年情感：害怕并且得意
如果曾经在感情上有很大的波动，高中毕业就是这样。这可能是在孩子的生活中最紧张或者令人兴奋的的时刻之一。有应试，申请表格填写，接受等待，找工作，装盒和寻找房间。从家离开的事实是充其量是不确定的，但是如果你的未来不确定，确实挺令人害怕的。这是最后的一个人生巨大变化，当我们的孩子和我们生活在一起时。对孩子童年结束的认识是我们最艰难的教育时刻之一。
最好的教育策略：放手跟你期望的不同，通常比你意识到的更为重要的感情上的经验。所以准备。在孩子离开之前整理你的感情。他需要知道，没有他你也会生存，所以不要他的孩子推到这方面（“没有你我怎么办？”）。在离开前进行这个“大谈话”（信用卡，电话账单，以及安全的关系）。在真正离开的那一天，给孩子带头。这是你从行为者成为指导者过渡的时刻。你一些你要说的明智的内容， 无论是“我爱你”，“我支持你”，“我为你自豪”-孩子们确实是会抓住这些词。然后当孩子开车离开时，记住看一下他。下次你看见他的时候他已经变了：你失去了一个孩子，得到一个成人。
纳瓦霍部落的言语说的好：“我们养到孩字是为了我们。”你这个教育目标就是这一刻。你最大的成功是帮助你孩子通过了这七大人生变化。所以庆祝！
如何知道何时为你的孩子所担心
我们应该总是注视我们的孩子，但是尤其是在这七大人生变化中。利用“很多的担心指数”帮助你测量孩子是如何调整的，并且你是否应该寻求帮助：
太不同：你的孩子的行为与正常时太不同。
太多：这些问题持续的太长或者太强烈。
太难：孩子挣扎的太多或者伤害太多。
太多：孩子生活其他的领域受到影响（学校，朋友，家庭等等）。
最好的测试就是你的本能。所以如果你的教育雷达表现某些事是错误的，请寻求帮助！