“So Mom, when did you lose your virginity?”
“What kind of drugs did you do, Dad?”
“How many times did you do it?” Kids have always said the darnedest things, but these days they’re also asking embarrassing and frank questions about their parents’ past lives: “How old were you when you took your first drink?” “Did you and dad hook up before you were married?” “What do you mean you didn’t inhale?”
Their questions shouldn’t come as any big shock. After all, this is the Facebook Generation where kids routinely post each and every vivid detail of their personal lives and have been exposed to sordid R-rated indiscretions and national scandals of celebrities and politicians from such young ages. So it really shouldn’t come as any surprise when your kid asks about your past dalliances with drugs, drinking, and sex. Which poses the real question: “Have you thought about how you’ll answer your teen?” First off, do know that every parent is going to have a different take on this. But also know that you have absolutely no obligation to tell your kid your past history. What you tell-or choose not to tell is totally up to your discretion. This issue is so new there is no research on it.
What the research is clear on is one thing: Our kids learn honesty as well as dishonesty mostly from us. So my only big rule on however you choose to answer is this: “
Never—ever—lie or deceive thy child.” Doing so only breaks down trust with your child and sends a very wrong message: “It’s okay to lie.” Make no mistake: If your kid ever learns that you lied, he will always wonder if he can trust you again. So, feel free to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (just please do take into consideration your child’s age and the state of your relationship with your kid). But there are also ways that you don’t have to answer your child’s question directly and still not be deceptive. All I want you to do is “be prepared.”
Here are three options to answer any kid question that you don’t want to answer without lying:
- Take the Fifth. “I’m sorry. That’s part of my private life.” Or “I just don’t feel comfortable talking about that now. Maybe when you’re older.” Enough.
- The Abridged Version. You don’t have to give all the facts and still can tell the truth. “Yes, I drank.” Or “Yes, I had sex.” But leave out all the gory details. Take into account his age, developmental level, maturity, how important it really is for him to know all those details and what you choose to share.
- Postpone. In some instances it is just fine to tell your kid “Let me think about it. And I’ll get back to you later.” “This isn’t a good time to talk—I’m rushed. Can we do this when we can really have time?” It’s a stall tactic and gives you time to think through what you want to say. There are no take-backs so whenever in doubt, it’s always best to err on the more cautious side. You can always tell more tomorrow.
There also are times when you should 'fess up and tell your child about your past life—despite the embarrassment or chance it may ruin your image with your child.
Here are five tests to help you weigh how much information your kid really needs to know. - Headline Test: Whenever something about your past is going to make the town paper or The New York Times (be it a drug bust or a prostitute ring), tell. You’re giving your kid a “heads up” before he hears it elsewhere and it’s best to hear the truth coming straight from you.
- Impact Test: If your child’s life—now or in the future—will be adversely impacted, tell. You don’t have to tell all, but you do have to explain what’s going on because chances are your kid will catch on. Maybe your child is illegitimate and thinks his step-dad is really his father. Tell!
- Medical Test: You owe your teen—when he’s ready—to know any part of your past history that could endanger his health (such as an alcohol addiction, depression, an eating disorder or a sexual transmittable disease). When there is a genetic component your child needs to know because his own health may be at stake.
- Trust Test: Your teen knows you lied about your past and might even have found your little black book. So now weigh which is more important: Admitting the truth or further breaking the trust with your child. Probably best to 'fess up. In the end your relationship is always more important.
- Lesson Test: Some parents feel it’s important to use their own past mistakes (they had sex too early; or drank too heavily and then flunked out of school) as a lesson. They don’t want the same thing to happen to their kid. Whatever you share, plainly explain your position so your child understands where you were coming from at the time. Also, be prepared that the lesson approach could backfire and your kid’s idyllic view of you is gone.
One other little point: Don’t think your kid can’t handle the truth. When push comes to shove, kids are remarkably resilient and can handle much more than we give them credit for.
Whatever and how much you choose to tell your child, always explain your current family rules and your values. The best antidote for drugs, drinking, smoking, premarital sex and engaging in risky behavior is not what you tell your child about your past but being a “hands-on” parent today.
Translation: A parent who monitors what their kids do and consume, sets clear rules based on your values, and has a healthy and respectful relationship. There is NO substitute.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of
Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.
译文:
当孩子问起你过去的性生活（以及其它尴尬话题）
“妈妈，你什么时侯失去的童贞？”
“你哪会儿嗑哪种药，爸爸？”
“你们做了多少次？”
孩子们总是说些令人厌烦的事情，可是最近他们也会对父母的过去提出一些令人尴尬而直接的问题：“你第一次喝酒时多大？”“你和爸爸结婚前就混在一起了吗?”“你说你没'吞下去'是什么意思？”
他们提出的问题也没什么可大惊小怪的。毕竟，这是FACEBOOK时代，从那些肮脏的R级电影里还有名流和政客们的国家级丑闻里，孩子们小小年纪便耳染目睹地了解到私人生活的方方面面了。所以当孩子问起你与嗑药、酗酒和性打交道的日子，这并没有什么好奇怪的。问题是：“你有没有想过如何回答你的孩子?”首先，要知道每个家长都可能做出不同的反应，但你也得明白你没有绝对的义务把自已的过去告诉给孩子，你是选择告知还是拒绝完全由你自已决定。这是个全新的观点，没人对此进行过研究。
而研究证明了的一件事情就是：孩子们是不是诚实，很大程度是从我们身上学来的。所以无论选择何种方法，我都有一个重要原则：“决不说谎或歁骗孩子”，否则就只会破坏你和孩子间的信任并传达一个大错特错信息：“撒谎没什么大不了。”不要犯错：如果你的孩子意识到你撒谎了，你就会总是怀疑他是否还能再相信你。所以，大方地说实话，所有的真相，只是真相（切记要考虑孩子的年龄以及你们之间的关系）。但是也有办法使你不用直接回答孩子的问题也不用说谎。我想让你做到的就是“ 准备就绪”。
不用撒谎来应对你不想回答的孩子的提问，三种方法：
避而不答 “对不起，这是我的私人生活。”或者“现在谈论这个话题让我觉得不舒服。等你长大后再说吧。” 足够了。
删节版本 不用说出所有的事实也能讲述真实情况。“是的，我喝酒。”或者“是的，我有性生活。”剔除所有可怖的细节。考虑一下孩子的年龄、发育阶段、成熟度；想想了解这些细节对他到底有多重要，以及你将选择哪些内容与之分享。
延期 有些情况下这样做了可以，告诉你的孩子：“让我想想，一会再告诉你。”“现在不是时侯——我赶时间了。有时间我们再讨论这个问题好吗？”这样可以拖延时间，让你有时间考虑该怎么说。世上是没有后悔药的，所以无论何时有何疑问，慎之又慎总不为过。你总可以等待明天。
有些时侯你应该向孩子坦白你的过去——尽管会令人尴尬，也可能破坏你在孩子心目中的形象。
以下是五个判断标准，帮你弄清孩子究竟需要知道多少事情
新闻头条 无论何时，如果你过去的事情将被登上当地报约或纽约时报（嗑药或召妓），那么坦白吧。在孩子从别处知这事儿之前先给孩子打一剂“预防针”，直接由你告诉他真相是最好的办法。
影响力 如果你孩子的生活——现在或将来——会受到负面影响，那么坦白吧。你不用和盘托出，但是你必须说明是怎么回事，因为孩子可能会理解你。如果你的孩子是个私生子，那么他会以为继父就是亲生父亲。你得告诉他真相！
医学 你欠孩子的 ——当他已经成熟——他需要了解你过去的一切，有哪些会危及到他的健康（比如酗酒、抑郁、饮食失调或者性传播疾病）。因为你的孩子需要知道，可能因为遗产问题而使他的健康受到损害。
信任 你的孩子知道你在过去的事情上撒了谎，可能他甚至已经发现了你的黑名册。那么请衡量一下哪个更为重要:承认事实还是进一步破坏你们的相互信任。也许最好是招供，最终还是相互间的关系更为重要。
教训 有家长认为，将自已以往的过错（因为过早开始性行为或者喝酒过猛而被学校开除）作为训诫很重要。他们不想让孩子也发生同样的事情。无论你说了什么，都要清楚地阐明你的立场，这样孩子就能理解你是如何走过来的。同样地，你也要作好准备，这次训诫也可能会事与愿违，孩子那些关于你的天真烂漫的想法会不复存在。
一点小提示：别以为你的孩子无法面对现实。在紧要关头，孩子们总是能极好地恢复常态并出人意料地处理好一切。
无论你选择告知孩子什么或多少事情，你都要阐明当前的家规和你的价值观。帮助孩子抵制毒品、酗酒、抽烟、婚前性行为以及不良习惯的最好办法并不是向他讲述你的过去，而是在今时做一个以身作则的家长。换言之：家长观察孩子的言行并加以揣摩，然后基于自身价值观形成一套明确的规则，从而建立健康而彼此尊重的相互关系。这是无可取代的。