Note: This is a guest post by Alaia Williams from One Organized Life
Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.
Anäis Nin
Friendships are incredibly important. At certain stages in our lives, friendships are everything to us – the most important thing in our lives. Friendships help define us. Our friends can influence our choices – where we live, what we eat, what we buy. Friendships grow and change as people come and grow. There is old proverb that says, “friends are flowers in the garden of life.” Friendships need their own kind of water and soil to grow healthy and strong. The following are 25 things to keep in mind to facilitate building stronger friendships. 
- Choose friends wisely. You do not have to be everyone’s friend. Choose to be friends with people who build you up, not tear you down. Choose friends who inspire you and welcome you, not alienate and insult you. You can’t choose the family you are born into, but you can choose your friends.
- Listen. Listen closely to what the other person is saying. Let that person know that you hear them. Ask clarifying questions. Summarize what you’ve heard. Though helpful, it does not always have to be through words. Eye contact and body language are also important ways of showing someone you are listening.
- Respond carefully. Think before you speak - especially if you are angry. Sometimes, taking a moment to think about what you say before you start blurting things out will spare hurt feelings and bruised pride. Also, when friends feel like it is okay to be themselves around you, they trust you. Choose your words with care.
- Avoid consistently giving advice or trying to fix all of your friend’s problems. By all means, if a friend asks for your advice, give it. They might want you to proofread an important email before it is sent out. Maybe they are struggling with a relationship. Perhaps life is throwing them a curve ball and they need your support or insight. Don’t wiggle your way into every aspect of your friend’s life, telling them how to be the star of their own show. Give them room to process things and make their own decisions.
- Play fair. Avoid trying to one-up your friends. Eventually your friends won’t want to play with you anymore.
- Be authentic. Be yourself. Be honest. Avoid putting up a façade. We all test our relationships by throwing something out there about our true nature. We then hide behind a corner, head peeking out, waiting for the response. If someone can’t accept you for who you are, developing a relationship with them will be hard. Don’t shortchange yourself by denying your beliefs, values, and point of view, for the sake of fitting in. You won’t be doing anyone any favors.
- Communicate openly and honestly. Developing communication with a person can take time – and trust! Ask your friends what you can do for them. Share what you have to offer. Don’t be afraid to let people know what you need. Share what is necessary, but don’t dominate conversation. When a problem arises, work through it together.
- Accept your friends for who they are. On your search for friends who can accept your authentic self, keep in mind – other people are looking for the same thing. We all want people who love us for who we are.
- Respect their choices. It is okay to disagree. If your friend decides to make a move when you think standing still is the right thing to do, let them do their thing. If you’ve given your advice and your friend sees things differently, step aside. What your friend is doing might be right for their life but not yours. They might be making a mistake, but if it doesn’t kill them, maim them, or leave them in a coma, hopefully they can learn from the experience. And, if it will kill them, lock them in a closet and don’t let them out until they’ve forgotten why you trapped them in there in the first place.
- Be the kind of friend you want others to be for you. You want friends who are honest, kind, compassionate, fair, not judgmental, authentic, and intelligent. Be that person first and you’ll be more likely to attract that kind of friend into your life.
- Be empathetic. Trying to understand things from your friend’s point of view can help you communicate and understand each other better.
- Give compliments. Show love for your friends by complimenting them on their good qualities or things they do well. Has a friend done something you admire them for? Let them know!
- Express your gratitude. Let your friends know that you value your friendship. Tell them. Write them a note. Did you see the collector’s edition of their favorite movie while you were out? Buy a copy. Surprise your friend by taking him or her out for lunch or dinner at one of their favorite places.
- Admit and apologize. When you do something wrong, admit it. Learn to apologize. Sometimes a friend is upset, and all they want from you is to (genuinely) say “sorry.” It shows that you realize your misstep, and that you will hopefully not make the same mistake again.
- Let go. Did a friend do something that hurt you? Have you talked it through? Were apologies made? Let go and move on! If you don’t, you’ll hang on to the transgression and it will taint the relationship going forward. Don’t trudge up a prickly patch of your past. Try your best to make a fresh start.
- Make time for your friends. Spend time with your friends. It might feel odd to schedule your friends on your calendar, but if you have a busy schedule, getting them in your book, is better than letting them go. Show your friends that you want to be around them. Is your friend far away? Write them an email, chat with them via IM, call them on the phone, plan a weekend get together. Making time for your friends sends the message that they are an important part of your life.
- Keep your promises. If you know you can’t deliver something, don’t promise that you will. If you make a promise, do you best to keep it. It is better to say “I don’t think I can make it on Saturday night, but lets get lunch next week,” than saying you will show up, and then accept a different invitation or cancel at the last minute.
- Celebrate what you have in common. Most friendships are started because of some common thread – a favorite sport, a love of books, an appreciation of fine wine, an insufferable boss. Get season tickets to your favorite baseball team or check out the local library book sale together next month.
- Try new things together. What new experiences can you share with your friend? It could be as simple as checking out the new local coffee shop, or as adventurous as bungee jumping.
- Have fun together. Friendships, like any other relationship, can fall into a rut sometimes – especially if all you do with your friends is share your latest complaints every time you see each other. Shake up the routine. Go out and do something fun you both enjoy, or look at that list of new things to try that you came up with and do one of them. It’s great to have a friend you can open up with, but lighten the burden load and let loose – create some happy memories together.
- Seek balance in your friendship. Entering a relationship with selfish motives and being a person who takes and takes and takes until the well runs dry, is likely to lead a lonely life. Serve and support your friends. What can you do for them? How can you help? What can you add to their life or their day to make it a little bit better?
- Take equal responsibility for the friendship. Take turns making plans or driving across town to see each other. If there is a problem, acknowledge your part in it and figure out, together, how to make it right. If both people are not tending to the relationship, it will not flourish.
- Be a cheerleader. Be encouraging. Motivate your friends. Affirmation goes a long way. If your friends aren’t in your corner, who is?
- Keep personal information confidential. As relationships grow, it is common for friends to share confidential information with you. If a friend tells you a secret it is because they trust you and believe that you will keep what they told you in the strictest of confidence. Do not betray your friend by sharing their secret stories with others. Many times a relationship has been ruined over spilled secrets.
- Unclench your fist. Friendships grow and change. Sometimes they end. You can change a lot in a year. Imagine how much you can change in 10 years. The person you were when you met someone is not the person you will always be. You grow up. You change your mind about things. Your friends will do the same. Sometimes a friend you’ve known for years will start to play a bigger role in your life as the years pass. Perhaps your lifestyles change radically and spending tons of time together just does not feel right anymore because you have fewer interests in common. This friend might stay in your life, but might have less impact on and influence in it. That’s okay. If a person is bringing you down, hurting you, or starts to go down a dangerous path, it is completely acceptable to end the relationship. Sometimes we struggle to hang on to a wilting relationship. Many times, it is healthier to let go.
Alaia Williams is a Professional Organizer based in Los Angeles, CA. Her blog, One Organized Life, includes articles about organizing, simplicity, work/life balance, and productivity.
This article is part of August 2008 theme: Relationships
译文:
25招，教你巩固友情
注: 这是Alaia Williams在 有序的人生上发表的读者回馈
每个朋友都代表我们心中的一个世界，这个世界直到他们出现才会诞生，找到朋友，也是找到了一个新的世界。Anäis Nin
友情极其重要，在人生的某些阶段，友情于我们，是一切。友情让我们诠释自我。朋友们会影响我们的决定，比如，居住在哪里，吃什么，买什么。友情伴随着人的出现和成长而变化。一句老话说的好：朋友之花处处盛开。友情需要特殊地浇灌和土壤，让花朵更加健康，有生命力。记住以下25条，就能建立坚定的友谊。
谨慎交友。不要想着跟每个人都交朋友。 朋友会挺你，不会害你掉眼泪;会鼓励、欢迎你，不会远离侮辱你。你不能选择自己的亲人，但是你可以选择和什么样的人交朋友。
聆听。仔细地倾听别人在说什么。听完之后问些问题，总结一下自己听到的内容，让他们知道你在认真听。诚然通过言语表达很有效果，但是眼神交流和肢体语言同样可以让别人知道你在用心听。
仔细回答。在说之前考虑清楚，特别是在你处于愤怒状态的时候。有时候，在说出来之前花点时间想想你要说的化，就会顾及到对方的感受，不会伤害他们的自尊。同样的，朋友们愿意和你在一起，就表示他们信任你。所以要注意说话的方式。
不要老是给别人意见或者试图解决朋友所有的问题。如果朋友询问你的建议，当然要告诉他。他们可能会在发送一封重要电邮前找你帮忙校对。也许他们在争取一段感情，也许他们在生活上遇到了困难需要你的支持和意见。不要干涉你朋友所有的事情，教他们如何做人，而应该给他们一些空间来自己做决定。
公平相处，不要想着胜过你的朋友。否则到最后，你的朋友会想和你绝交。
诚实一点。不要伪装，真实的做你自己。不要带上面具。我们会制造一些涉及到本质的问题，来测试我们的关系。然后躲在某个角落探出头，等待结果。如果别人不能接受这样的你，是很难和他们维持关系的。不要为了迎合他人就欺骗自己，否认自己的信仰，价值观和想法。你不需要这样帮任何人。
打开心扉，诚实地沟通。和一个人培养交流是需要时间和信任的。问问你朋友们你能为他们做些什么，付出时不要吝啬，也不要害怕别人知道你当需求。朋友之间需要分享，不要一力承担，遇到问题的时候，要合作解决。
不管你的朋友是怎么样的人，接受他。你希望你的朋友可以接受真实的你，要知道，别人也和你一样，我们都希望朋友们能够喜欢真实的自己。
你可以不同意他们的观点，但是要尊重他们的选择。如果你和朋友的意见发生分歧的时候，那就让他们做自己想做的事。如果你给出了自己的建议但是朋友和你想法不一致，那就随便他们。朋友的选择也许对来说不正确，但至少对他们来说是对的。他们可能会犯错误，如果事情不严重，让他们自己搞定不要帮忙，或者让他迷茫一段时间，起码他们可以在经验中吸取教训。如果事态严重，就把他们锁起来，不让他们出来，知道他们忘记了为什么被关起来为止。
己所不欲勿施于人。你希望你的朋友诚实，善良，有爱心，公平不独裁，真实有智慧。那你自己首先要做到这些，这就是人以群分。
善解人意。试着站在你朋友的立场来考虑，这样会让你们更好的沟通，更好的了解彼此。
给予赞美。 当你的朋友表现不错，或者显露优点的时候，表扬他们，让他们知道你对他的赞美。如果你的朋友做了件让你很佩服的事情，说出来让他们知道。
表达你的感谢。让你的朋友知道你很重视双方间的友情，可以说出来，也可以写卡片。问问你的朋友有没有错过最喜欢的电影的珍藏版，买份副本给他。给你的朋友一个惊喜，带他去他最钟爱的地方吃饭。
承认错误，勇于道歉。如果你做错了，就承认自己的错误，学会道歉。当朋友不高兴的时候，他们只是希望你真心地说一句对不起。这说明你意识到了自己的错误，希望自己不再犯同样的错误。
学会遗忘。你的朋友有没有做过什么伤害到你的事？你们交流过吗？他有没有跟你道歉？过去的事就忘了它，如果不这样做，你会纠结在这个错误上，从而影响之后的关系进展。不要太执着于过去，学着重新开始。
留点时间给朋友。花些时间和朋友相处。如果把和朋友的约会安排在行程上的确很奇怪，但是如果你很忙，就把他们记录上去，否则很容易忘记。告诉你的朋友你希望和他们在一起。如果朋友和你距离很远，就给他们写电邮或者在IM上聊天，或者打电话给他们来安排共度周末。多花点时间在朋友身上，让他们知道他们是你生命中很重要的一部分。
信守承诺。如果你做不到，就不要轻易许下承诺。一旦答应了什么，就要尽力做到。如果你周日晚上没空，就把时间推到下周，不要随便答应，结果却又接受别人的邀请，或者在约会前一分钟才临时决定不去。
双方有共同语言。很多人交朋友是双方的共同点在起作用，比如，喜欢同样的运动，同样的书，同一种酒，或者都有一个不可理喻的上司。你们会买喜欢的球队比赛的季票，或者一起去当地图书馆的买书。
一起尝试新事物。你能和朋友分享新的经历嘛？也许这个经历很普通，只不过是一起去当地的咖啡馆，或者也可能很刺激，比如一起去蹦极。
共同寻找乐趣。和其他关系一样，友情也会陷入低谷，尤其是当你每次和朋友见面的时候都是在抱怨自己的问题。打破这个常规，出去做些你们都喜欢的事来找寻快乐，或者看看你们偶尔想到的新事物，并尝试以下。有一个能让你说心里话的人很好，但是也要缓解压力放松一下，一起创造快乐的回忆。
在友情中寻找平衡点。出于自私的原因而和一个人交往，或者只是一味的利用别人，最终会孤独一生。要帮助支持你的朋友。你能为他们做些什么呢？怎么做呢？你能为他们更好的生活做什么贡献呢？
责任分摊。 轮流定计划或者开车去看彼此。遇到问题，要承认你自己的错误并且共同来解决。如果双方都不在意这段关系，友情也不会长存。
互相鼓励。鼓励你的朋友，你的朋友需要肯定。 如果你的朋友你都不在意，那么你还在在意谁呢？
保护隐私。随着关系的密切，朋友们会和你透露隐私。如果朋友告诉你一个秘密，那是因为他们相信你，认为你不会把他们告诉你的事告诉别人。不要出卖他们，把他们的秘密告诉别人。很多时候，友情关系的中止都是因为泄露了秘密。
学会放手，友情会成长变化，也会结束。一年内你可以有很多变化，设想一下，那10年你会有多大的变化。人也一样，不会永远是你最初见到的时候那样。你在成长，改变对事物的看法，你的朋友也一样。有时候，随着时间的推移，你熟知多年的朋友会成为你生活中很重要的朋友。也许你的生活习惯逐渐改变了，花了很多时间在这个朋友身上，但却发现你们的共同爱好越来越少。也许这个人还是你的朋友，却不再对你产生那么大的影响，这很正常。如果朋友打击了你，伤害了你，或者对你产生了危险，那就结束这段关系。有时候我们苦苦挽救一段破碎的有一，但其实，还不如早点结束更好。