Children’s toys used to be very simple, quite easy to play with, not at all noisy, and often prohibitively expensive – meaning many kids had to do without. Times have changed, and now any scrawny necked, lanky legged individual of an underdeveloped social nature, can pound parents into submission to obtain a legitimate weapons superiority. Lets take another look at some of the candidates of this tactical arsenal - this list, of course, follows on from our Top 10 Toys Parents Dread.
A recent addition to our list, nothing hits the spot more than a 7-year-old screeching out half the words to a Cheeky Girls or Britney Spears number - perhaps only with the exception of four 7-year-olds trying to do the same thing ‘in harmony’. House parties have never been so much fun, especially when you can close the patio doors behind you, and walk several hundred miles in the opposite direction.
A small firework made illegal in most parts of the world. Popular in the 1950’s and 60’s, the banger was the staple implement of torture for many boys who wished to make a huge impact on society. Generally, the banger was used to inflict fear, trauma, and - as a best-case scenario - a severe cardiac arrest on victims of a sensitive disposition.
By looping the words - “Get that off your face!” onto a cassette, it is technically possible to save over 200 hours worth of mental and vocal stress caused as a result of abusing these substances. As the term ‘won’t be seen dead wearing that!’ doesn’t appear to affect the young, many displays of tragically disheveling art can often be seen on the faces of the innocent.
Many parents have learned to patiently applaud the appalling efforts of their offspring when it comes to painted art; much of which finding it’s way to the sides of fridge-freezers everywhere. Paint runs – as fast as it can – into clothing, rugs, doors and pets, and scientific experts have calculated that a single sheet of blank A4 paper typically needs to be surrounded by 8 square miles of yesterdays newspapers to save the carpet receiving the traditional Sunday afternoon makeover.
Aside from the sheer volume of children’s magazines which pile up under the beds of pre-teens, by far the worst side effect of this type of behavior is often the infamy of the included stickers. Many wardrobes have suffered in recent years under the sheer weight of stickers festooned over their exteriors. Nothing escapes the tyranny of the sticker, and to date, no blend of bio-hazardous toxin chemicals have proven effective at removing their blight on humanity.
When Mums and Dads are busy, they may inadvertently place their faith in musical toys to satisfy the hungry minds of their immediate descendants. Unfortunately, this is counter-productive, and leads to a condition doctors have known for years as ‘loosing one’s rag’. If taking out frustrations on inanimate objects is your kind of heaven, please send in your address and you will receive your just deserts.
Learning the alphabet or the numbers using an annoying female voice has been around for centuries, but if your mother-in-law is busy, try to avoid using one of these machines at all costs. Listen; as an endless series of discordant jingles, similes and phonics are played repeatedly by the delicate touch of a child’s whole hand over all the buttons.
Use successfully by the CIA since the turn of the century, nothing works more effectively and damagingly on human levels of tolerance than a 12-year-old playing the violin, a 4-year-old playing a miniature drum kit, or a 9-year-old blowing into a recorder (or flute). Scientists in Russia have termed parental exposure to this kind of treatment ‘neurological meltdown’ or ‘cranium critical mass’, and victims have often resorted to quite drastic feats of human strength in order ensure these kinds of instruments are never capable of playing ‘music’ ever again.
What can you do with play doh that you can’t do with plasticine or real dough? Experts were baffled for weeks when set this question during the late 20th century. That was until one man dejectedly pushed the material into a salt shaker and it ‘looked a bit like hair’. Since then, millions of children of all ages have sat this same simple test; all of whom failed to come up with anything at all. The legend of play doh was born.
Where is the best place to find Lego? In the vacuum cleaner of course! This was the winning entry of many in this competition; runners up include - on the stairs, between the cracks in the patio, in the bathtub, and of course, in beds. There are several ways in which Lego has taken the crown of ‘the most annoying toy’. First of all because Lego is so easy to consume, many ‘consumers’ have found their Lego products have made it all the way down the toilet and into the sea - where they continue to annoy sea life in the same way. Secondly, because Lego is so small, adult fingers can often loose their ability to manipulate the material; similar to trying to pick up a coin using a bunch of bananas. Many triumphs of model engineering have been crushed under-foot, under car tires, under bottoms, and between fingers - sometimes sending lethal Lego shrapnel in all directions at once. Avoid.
Contributor: lifeschool
译文:
父母望而生畏的10大玩具
孩子们的玩具曾是简单，易于把玩，完全不会发出噪音，通常以天价出售的——意味着许多孩子没法拥有它们。时光流转，现如今，任何骨瘦如柴、细腿长脚的社会生活中的模拟物，都会使父母们下决心购买并拥有这些合法“武器”许可证。让我们来一睹为快这些设计巧妙的武器装备吧——这张排行榜也就是今天所要给大家呈现的父母望而生畏的10大玩具。
此玩具刚刚登上我们的排行榜，最让人振奋的莫过于听一个7岁小孩尖声唱着“羞羞脸女孩”或小甜甜布兰妮的歌——如果是听到4个7岁小傢伙齐声高歌的话，震撼力会更强。当你关上家门，反向行走几百英里，就会体会到家庭聚会原来是如此有趣。
在世界多数地方都有非法生产小焰火玩具，盛行于本世纪五六十年代。许多爱捣乱的男孩尤其喜欢这种小小的危险物。总的说来，这种响炮是用来恐吓、袭击别人的——有个极端的例子——有一个胆小的受害人因此而患上了严重的心脏停搏。
8 玩具化妆品
对着录音机反复念叨“把那些东西从你的脸上取下来！”，这有利于你避免因孩子滥用化妆品而产生的精神与言语的紧张情绪，为你省下200个小时做些别的事情。“不要化那样的妆！”这种话对孩子起不了作用，我们还是会在许多稚嫩的面孔上看到他们对悲剧性的颓废艺术的展现。
当孩子开始画画时，很多父母会对他们的绘画热情不遗余力地大加赞赏，画作开始多半出现在冰箱上，很快就蔓延到房间的各个角落：衣服，地毯，门甚至宠物身上。据专家估算，当你的孩子在一张A4纸上开始作画，他的周围需要铺开8平方英里的旧报纸，这样你那张祖传下来的每周日下午清洁的地毯就能幸免于难了。
在孩子床下成堆的儿童读物里，你可以发现大量的贴贴纸，这是最令父母头疼的东西了。近几年来，家里的许多橱柜表面都被这些贴贴纸弄得花花绿绿，没有什么东西能躲过此劫。直至今日，你还是没能找到有什么化学药品能彻底去除这些贴纸的印记。
当父母正忙碌时，他们不经意间会相信音乐玩具能喂养孩子饥饿的心灵。不幸的是，这却起了反作用，导致孩子，按医生的话讲是“雷霆大发”。如果你是个喜欢在单调的事物中找乐子的人，那么说出你的住址，你会得到你想要的。
几个世纪以来，家长习惯于播放尖利的女声录音让孩子跟着学说字母或数字。但倘若你的婆婆无暇顾及小孩，切忌使用这种复读机。当孩子把整只小手摁住所有按键之时，你就不得不忍受这些杂乱无休止的诗歌、比喻和语音的零零碎碎。
本世纪初为美国中央情报局成功使用，没有什么比一个12岁的孩子拉小提琴，一个4岁孩子打迷你鼓，或一个9岁孩子吹笛子更具破坏性，更考验人忍耐力的了。俄罗斯科学家把挣扎于此种环境中的父母所得的症状称作“神经崩溃”或“临界点”，病人通常会诉诸于武力，以确保这类乐器再也不会发出任何“音乐”。
如果你不会捏泥人或捏生面团，你将如何处置培乐多呢？19世纪末，专家们在这个问题面前踌躇了几个星期。直到一个人怯生生地把它装进一个盐瓶里，它“看起来像毛发”。从那以后，上百万年龄各异的孩子做了相同的试验，他们所有人都没能得出什么结论。培乐多的神话就此孕育而生。
玩乐高系列游戏最好的地方是在哪里？当然实在真空吸尘器里！这是许多热爱这种游戏的人的开始阶段；之后发展到——楼梯上，露台的夹缝里，浴缸里，当然也会在被窝里。乐高系列玩具在“最令人头疼的玩具”排行榜中夺冠有几个原因。首先，乐高玩具容易操纵，许多“游戏迷”会发现他们的乐高玩具在卫生间顺利通行直到海里——它们继续以同样的方式在那里使海里的生物不得安宁。第二，乐高玩具体积小，成年人没有驾驭它的能力，就像用一串香蕉去捡一枚硬币一样困难。许多机械模型的英勇事迹止于人们的脚下，汽车轮胎下，水底和手指之间——但有时候杀伤性强的乐高玩具像榴弹一般从四面八方向你扑来时，还是得赶紧躲开。
撰稿人: lifeschool