Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week!
I have two children, one with my current boyfriend who is a 2-year-old girl and my 10-year-old from my previous marriage. We pretty much all get along but I feel as though my boyfriend doesnt have that same love for my son as he does for our daughter. He is very strict with him, complains about any little thing that bothers him about my son... Especially when my son forgets his homework in school, which is frequent he punishes him for a week at least and my son is not allowed to do anything entertaining but to sit in his bed all day reading a book. Cannot color, cannot read magazines, anything that he thinks maybe be entertaining for him. And if he were to catch Jeremy glaring at the tv he says that he will hit him if he finds out he was disobeying... My son is a good kid, he doesnt misbehave, doesnt have fights in school, he doesnt talk back or yell. He's very shy and timid and an emotional kid who gets speech, occupational, and physical therapy in school. My son is just very forgetful, doesnt focus on the things that are important and can be very lazy. My question to you is; Am I overreacting? To me it seems the punishment at times is too harsh, and I feel we need to let my son breathe alittle and not crucify him for forgetting his work in school.
--Jessica Diaz
I read your note and am very concerned. Please heed my advice. The discipline your boyfriend is giving your son is far too harsh. It is also unfair, unreasonable, and unfounded. I also consider what he is doing to your child is severly damaging to his self-esteem... severely damaging.
Your boyfriend is threatening to your child ("I will hit you.") The discipline is clearly way too strict and unfair (Not being allowed to do anything for over a week - and sit on a bed for hours at a time for not bringing his homework! Jessica, that's abusive!)
Discipline should always be administered only in a calm and loving way. After all, the only reason for discipline is to help your child learn from his mistakes. Discipline even comes from the word, "disciple" - it's a TEACHING tool. A child can only learn when the instruction (discipline) is presented in a non-threatening way. And as soon as the discipline is over, it's "Forgive and Forget." The parent and child relationship remains entact. The child knows he was wrong, but also understands that he is still loved unconditionally by the parent. What's more, while discipline does have a consequence (if you don't do your homework, you can't watch television for the afternoon) that is fair and reasonable.
PLEASE get help, Jessica. This situation cannot continue. It will do irreparable damage on your child's emotional health and well-being. I am also concerned about you. Are you safe? Are you being threatened? Do not show this note to your boyfriend if you feel at all threatened. Probably best not to anyway. Get help. If you need to know what to do next, please write me again and I'll direct you further. I cannot stress the long-term affect how your child is being treated will have on his life.
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译文:
问与答：当惩罚太严厉时
每周Michele Borba都会在她的博客上解答你们关于养育子女的问题。如果你有一个教育子女的问题或疑问，请在这封邮件上留下你的评论，或许下周你就会得到问题的答案。
我有两个孩子，一个是和我现任男友所生的女儿，今年两岁，另一个则是我和前夫所生的儿子，他今年十岁。虽然我们在一起相处得很融洽，但我还是感觉到我的男友对我儿子的爱好像并不如他对我们女儿的爱那样深。他对我的儿子十分严厉苛刻，对他所做的任何事只要让他感到一丁点儿的烦恼，都会抱怨。尤其是当我的儿子忘了学校的功课时，这事他为此惩罚得最多，至少得惩罚一星期吧，而且我的儿子不允许去做任何娱乐性的事，只能整天坐在床上读书。不能画画，不能看杂志，不能做任何在他看来可能对我儿子来说是娱乐性的事。万一他正好捉到我儿子正盯着电视看的话，他就说，如果他发现他违反了他的规定，他就会揍他。我的儿子是一个好孩子，他品行端正，在学校也从不与同学打架，他从不顶嘴，也不大喊大叫。他是个胆小害羞但又情绪化的孩子，在学校接受了谈话治疗，工作疗法和物理疗法。我的儿子只是非常的健忘，总是不会把注意力放在那些重要的事上，而且可能会很懒。我想问你的是：对此我是不是反应太过强烈了？对我来说，那些时不时的惩罚似乎太严厉太苛刻了，我感觉我们需要让我的儿子休息一下，歇口气，不要因为他忘了学校的功课而把他钉死在十字架上折磨他。
——杰西卡
我读了你的短信，很为你感到担忧。请你听从我的忠告吧。你的男友给你儿子的惩罚真的太过苛刻了。这根本就是不公平，不讲道理，毫无事实根据的惩罚。我也在思考他对你孩子所做的一切正严重伤害了他的自尊心，是极其严重的伤害。
你的男友说“我会揍你”正是对你孩子的威胁。就因为他忘了回家作业，就得在至少一周内不允许做任何事，而只能在床上坐数小时！显而易见，这样的惩罚方式太苛刻，太不公平了。知道吗，杰西卡，那就是虐待！
给予惩罚应当只能以一种和平慈爱的方式。总之，惩罚的唯一原因就是要帮助你的孩子从他的过错中吸取教训。“惩罚”这一词甚至来源于“信徒”一词——这是一种教育工具。只有当惩罚通过非威胁的方式来实施，孩子才能从中学会。一旦惩罚结束了，那就是“摒弃前嫌，不念旧恶”。父母和孩子的关系仍然是完整的。孩子不仅知道他做错了，而且明白父母仍然是无条件地深爱着他的。而且，如果惩罚是有因果关系的，那才是公正和讲道理的。（比如说，如果你没做功课，那么整个下午你都不许看电视。）
请你申请援助吧，杰西卡。这样的情形不能再继续下去了。这将会对你孩子的身心健康和幸福带来不可挽回的伤害。我也很担心你，杰西卡。你现在安全吗？你是否也受到了威胁？如果你根本是受到了威胁，就不要把这份短信给你的男友看。无论怎样，尽可能是最好不要给他看。申请帮助吧。如果你需要知道下一步该做什么，请再给我写封信，我会进一步为你指引方向。我现在还不能强调，你的孩子受到如此对待，长此以往下去会对他的生活有什么样的影响。
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