How many times have you heard the saying that “Fighting is a natural part of life,” or “A good fight now and again is good for the relationship and keeps things alive”? But really, is that how you feel? Do you truly believe that fighting with the family, with your spouse, and especially your children, is good for you all?
Having fights within the family is definitely not a fun and pleasant experience. Each fight, regardless how small, will leave you drained of energy and feeling negative afterwards. Not only will you feel bad for the things you said and did during the fight, but your children will walk away feeling rejected, lost, unloved.
And do you wonder who suffers the most when fights occur in the family? Your children. You know that it is the kids that suffer the most when you have had nasty explosive fights. And you also know that a great deal of ugliness comes out that you would rather not have exposed to them on a regular basis.
Although a majority may think that fighting is healthy and natural, it is time for you to stand against this notion. As having the responsibility of being a parent, it is time for you to start making a conscience choice to find another solution to fighting. A family fight is something that you should be looking to totally eliminate from your life and the life of your children.
When I say that you must rid your life of fighting altogether, then you need to know exactly the kind of fighting that I am referring to. Fighting can take many forms. It means to participate in verbal exchanges which involve intense anger, rage, and sometimes physical abuse to your children.
Fighting with your kids also means to have verbal assaults on each other by rehashing the same old drama over and over again until your children are so frustrated that they become emotionally immobilized. Is this the kind of “healthy fighting” that you and your kids are going through? Do you still agree that is is “Ok” to have such negativity in the house?
If you genuinely want to eliminate fighting in your home with the children, then you absolutely must come to a decision yourself. And it does not involve waiting for your children to change. You must officially make fighting a thing of the past. It means that you must take a vow and refuse to raise children in an atmosphere of violence, both physical and mental. It means choosing love over anger, each and every time.
So, what is the answer? While there may not be a quick or easy answer, it all starts with connecting with your kids and really opening up and communicating with them. Remember, while they may be your ‘blood’, your kids may have a totally different personality and may process information completely different from you. You may think you are communicating with them, when in fact you are communicating more with yourself and not getting through to them. The next time things start to flair up, take a deep breath and try to understand what the child is really saying or trying to communicate, look at things from his or her perspective, remember kids are NOT min adults and perceive the world differently from us. A little thing that might not seem important may mean the world to them.
The trick is to put yourself in their shoes and see the world from their perspective. That insight can be very enlightening. Don’t get me wrong, this DOES NOT necessarily mean you agree with your child, or let him or her have their way. It just means you try to understand things from their perspective, and perhaps approach the situation a little differently. This might not be a solution for everyone or every situation, but what is it going to hurt? Perhaps one less argument?
译文:
跟孩子们‘停战’吧！
你听过多少次这样的说法＇斗争是生活中必不可少的一部分＇，或者说＇在战争中屡屡得胜会有利于人们之间的关系并能解决问题＂然而实际上你感觉如何？你真的认为跟家人，伴侣甚至是孩子们做斗争对大家有好处吗？
家庭暴力不是什么好事。每次打架，即使是再小的架也会让你耗费精力并且在事后感到很沮丧。不仅对打架时的言行感到难过，还会使你的孩子们觉得自己被拒绝，冷落，以及不被人爱而远离你。
你想知道在战争中谁受的伤害最大吗？是你的孩子们。你知道，当你恶狠狠地跟孩子们发火时，孩子的心很受伤。你也知道这个时候你会慌不择言，把很多平时不会说的恶毒的话都统统说了出来。
尽管大多数人可能认为战争是健康的，自然的。但我们仍然主张停止暴力。现在是时候让你来反对这看法了。做为父母在承担了责任的时候，就要开始去研究另一种解决战争的办法。必须把家庭暴力彻底从你和孩子们的生活中剔除。
当我说你们必须一起努力消除家庭暴力时，你必须清楚地了解我指的是哪方面的暴力。暴力有很多种表现方式。包括跟孩子们发生言语上的冲突——包括强烈的愤怒，狂躁，肢体冲突等。
跟孩子的暴力还意味着你们彼此一次次地用谩骂来互相伤害，最后导致孩子们在受到挫败后变得越来越固执。这就是你跟孩子们之间的所谓‘健康战争’吗？说到这你还同意家庭暴力吗？
如果你真诚希望消除跟孩子们之间的暴力，你必须自己做个决断。等着孩子们改变是不现实的想法。必须正式将家庭暴力做为一件过去的事情来看待。这就意味着你必须对暴力喊停并且不能再助长孩子们的暴力情绪－－－无论是身体上的还是情感上的。也就是说每次在大家意见相左时，你都要选择让孩子们从爱（而不是愤怒）的角度出发。
因此，答案是什么呢？在没有一个快捷或简单的答案时，就要开始跟你的孩子们联系并且真正敞开心扉跟他们交流。记住，这个时候他们是你的‘血液’，你的孩子们也许有跟你完全不同的个性，也许会有一些更加激进的与你完全相反的想法。你也许认为你是在跟他们交流，实际上你更多地是在跟自己交流。下次要做的事情就是要施展自己的才能，深呼吸下，然后试着去了解孩子们真正想表达的意思。从他或她的前途来看待事情，记住孩子们不是小成年人，他们对世界的认知跟我们大相径庭。一件很不起眼的事情在他们的眼里就是整个世界。
窍门就是把自己放到他们的鞋子里去看世界。这种见识会很有启发性。不要误解我的意思，这么做的意思不是叫你完全同意孩子们的想法。而是让你努力把自己放到跟他们一样的水平线上看问题，这样你跟他们的想法才不至于差得太远。这方法虽然未必适用于每个人，以及所有的情况，但是这么做也没什么坏处，至少会少吵一架吧？