Yesterday, I found out that a friend of mine is going through a divorce. The news of his pending divorce started me thinking about how fragile certain relationships can be, and about how important they are to our happiness and wellbeing.
I personally am a product of divorce. My parents split up when I was 7, and I grew up migrating back and forth between my mother’s house and my father’s apartment, never quite feeling whole, always missing whichever parent wasn’t there, and always wanting to be someplace else.
As I grew older, I watched most of my friends, and even my siblings, tear through relationships like they were pinatas, scattering unhappiness everywhere.
And yet, somehow, growing up in the midst of all this dysfunction, I’ve managed to hold my marriage together. In fact, I’ll go one better: I’ve managed to find the perfect woman for me. No matter what crazy twists and turns life brings me, I know I’ll be all right because my wife is as constant as the Northern Star, forever guiding me home. I’ve been with her for 10 years, married for 4, and every day I love her more.
Finding her was partly luck (or destiny, if you’re a romantic) because I certainly could not have planned to meet the perfect woman the way I did. But some of what it takes to build a wonderful relationship isn’t luck. So let’s talk about that part: the part we control.
In the simplest possible terms, relationship success boils down to 2 things:
1) Picking the right partner
2) Being the right partner
Of course, nothing is really that simple. We could spend 100 pages on each of these, couldn’t we? For the sake of brevity, let’s spend a few high-power minutes talking about the second item: being the right partner.
That’s not to diminish the importance of finding the right partner (after all, you could be the greatest guy or gal in the world, but you’ll never find relationship utopia if you’re with the wrong person). But once you find the right person, you’ve got to have the skills to keep that relationship in happy symbiosis, don’t you?
Here are 7 simple, actionable things that anyone can do to be a better partner, thereby vitalizing his or her relationship:
1) Pay attention to your partner:
When your partner is talking, pay attention to what he or she is saying. I’m as guilty of not listening as anyone, but I do try. If I’m listening to the radio or watching television or spacing out while my wife is trying to talk to me, I have the good sense to understand that I’m being rude. If you’re only 50% present in a conversation, you’re basically telling your partner that he or she isn’t worth your time.
Of course, there is a flip side to this: If your partner is constantly interrupting you when you’re in the middle of some other important activity, you might want to have a talk about that.
But let’s be honest: if we have a problem paying attention to our partner, we probably know it. Do something to fix it. Pay attention. Stop spacing out. Your partner is worth your time.
2) Watch your tone:
Have you ever snapped at your partner for no good reason simply because you were upset about some other unrelated thing? Or yelled at your partner for bringing up a stressful topic, even if he or she is on your side?
When your partner says, “Hey, why are you yelling at me?!” you say, “I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at the situation.”
News Flash: You’re not talking to a situation. You’re talking to a human being.
Yes, we all deserve a little latitude from our loved ones when it comes to highly stressful situations. After all, no one is perfect. But a little common sense can go a long way when it comes to making sure our tone of voice is appropriate to the situation, the person we’re talking to, and the feeling we’re trying to convey.
I went through a period of time in my life when I’d let the stress of the day bleed out all over my relationships, snapping at people who didn’t deserve it. Most of the time, I wasn’t even aware of my tone of voice at all.
And I cannot tell you how much of a difference it made when I finally learned to use a polite tone of voice with my wife. Tone of voice can be like a weapon. Avoid the arms race.
3) The golden rule:
Treat your partner the way you’d like to be treated, in all situations, all the time. To do this properly, you have to understand what makes your partner tick, which brings me to my next point…
4) Consider what’s important to your partner:
Guys, you might not understand your wife’s desire to spend money on an endless supply of purses and shoes. And ladies, you might not understand your man’s desire to buy an endless parade of home theater equipment. But relationships are about teamwork, working together to help each other be happy.
This concept extends way beyond finances.
You are not your partner. Your values and priorities may differ. If all you can think about are your own priorities, you have a problem. Conversely, if your partner’s priorities are so far removed from your own that you cannot function as a unit, then you probably hooked up with the wrong person, but that’s a subject for a different article.
5) Remember that you and your partner decide the rules of a relationship:
The terms of your relationship are not decided by friends, parents, or co-workers. Yes, outside opinions can help you formulate opinions, but they cannot supplant the opinion of your partner. You’re not trying to please the world. You’re trying to please yourself and your partner. Never forget this.
6) Turn off the “understand me” impulse:
I know people who spend 10 minutes fighting about some innocuous topic, and then spend the next hour arguing about the motivations that caused the argument to begin with. We want to be understood, justified. We want our partner to understand we’re being reasonable, to comprehend our point of view even if it’s not shared. The key question is whether your desire to be understood serves any practical purpose or is instead a selfish assertion of ego. If the latter, let it go.
7) Reach consensus on the big problems quickly:
Not every battle is worth fighting, but the big ones are worth tackling quickly, calmly, and decisively, or else they will forever fester beneath the surface of your relationship, wreaking untold havoc upon your happiness.
When I first got married, I quickly came to realize that my wife and I had different priorities regarding money. To me, it’s very important to keep a certain amount of money in savings and to pay all our bills on time. To her, these things were not so important. Knowing that money is a leading cause of divorce, I kept looking for ways to calmly broach the topic until finally we reached agreement on how to handle our finances. Problem solved. We haven’t had a single argument about money in all the years since. The details of our compromise are not nearly so important as the fact that we saw the importance of reaching one.
Well, there you have it: 7 ways to be a better partner. And at this point, I’d like to turn things over to you. What tips do you have for being a better partner? Relationships are vitally important to all of us. And since we’re stronger as a blogging community than we are alone, your input is much appreciated. If you have a successful relationship, let your fellow readers know your secret!
This article is copyright © by John Place. For more personal development articles, visit John Place Online.
译文:
成为更好的配偶/伴侣的七种方法
昨天，我发现一个朋友正在办离婚，他准备离婚的消息让我感觉到稳定的关系是何等脆弱，而一段稳定的关系对于我们的幸福和良好的生活状态是何等重要。
我本人就是离婚家庭的孩子。在我只有七岁的时候，我父母就离婚了，我在不断的在母亲家和父亲家之间搬来搬去的过程中长大，从来没有过一个完整家庭的感觉，总是在思念着父母中不在我身边的那一方，并且总是想要去别的地方。
随着我渐渐长大，我目睹了很多朋友，甚至是同胞为这样的关系流泪，好像他们是传染病，到处散播着不幸。
但是，在所有这些不良因素中长大的经历，让我想尽一切办法来维持自己婚姻的完整性。事实上，在这方面我赢了：我总算为自己找到了一个完美的女人。不管生命带给我的迂回曲折多么夸张，我都知道我会过得很好，因为我妻子就像北极星一样永恒，永远指引我回家的路。我和她在一起已经10年了，结婚4年，我对她的爱与日俱增。
能够遇到她一部分是运气（或者命运，如果你是个浪漫的人），因为我完全没有想到会以这样的方式遇到完美女人。但是能够建立一段如此美妙的关系绝不仅仅是因为运气。所以让我们来谈谈另外一部分：我们可以控制的部分。
在最简单的可能条件中，成功的夫妻关系归结为两件事：
1）选择正确的伴侣
2）做正确的伴侣
当然，事情并不是真的如此简单。我们可以为这两个条件各花100页来讨论，不是吗？由于时间关系，我们就花高效率的几分钟来讨论一下第二个条件：做正确的伴侣。
这并不是要降低找到正确伴侣的重要性（毕竟，你可能是世界上最出色的小伙子或姑娘，但是如果选择了错误的人，你就永远找不到乌托邦式的夫妻关系）。但是只要你找到了对的人，你就开始拥有将夫妻关系保持在幸福的共同生活状态的技能，不是吗？
这里的7件简单可行的事情，每个人都可以做到，从而成为更好的伴侣，由此让他或她拥有更具生命力的夫妻关系：
1）关注您的伴侣：
当您的伴侣在聊天时，注意他或她说的话。我和所有人一样为没有认真倾听而感到内疚，但是我努力了。如果我妻子尝试和我聊天的时候我正在听收音机、看电视或走神，我会很快的意识和了解到自己的无礼。如果你只有50%参与到谈话，你基本上就是在告诉你的伴侣他或她不值得你花时间。
当然，这件事的另一面是：如果你的伴侣不断的打断你正在做的其他重要活动，你可能会要就这件事聊一聊。
但是让我们诚实一点吧：如果我们在关注伴侣方面存在问题，我们可能已经意识到了。那么就做些什么来弥补吧。关注他们，不要走神，你的伴侣值得你花时间。
2）注意你的语调：
你是否曾经没有任何缘由，仅仅是因为某些不相干的事而心烦就呵斥你的伴侣？或是由于他们提出了让你有压力的话题而吼叫他们，即使他或她是站在你这边的？
当你的伴侣说“嘿，你为什么吼我？！”你说“对不起，我不是因为你而生气，而是因为刚才的情况。”
新闻插播：你不是在和情况聊天，你是在和一个人聊天。
是的，在压力很大的情况下，我们都应该从爱我们的人那里得到一些宽容。毕竟，人无完人。但是，在需要确定我们的音调与情境，与我们聊天的人以及我们想要表达的感觉是否合适时，一点点常识就大有帮助。
在我让一天的压力通过我的亲人释放掉并对不应该吼叫的人厉声吼叫时，我会审视我生命中的这段时间。大部分时间里，我甚至完全没有意识到我的声调。
而且我无法形容在我最后学会用礼貌的音调和我妻子说话时一切是怎样的不同。音调就像一种武器。请避免军备竞赛。
3）黄金法则：
在所有情况下，任何时间，用你喜欢别人对待你的方式来对待你的伴侣。要做到这一点，你就必须了解什么是你伴侣喜欢的，说到这里我就必须要说到下一点……
4）考虑到对伴侣来说最重要的事情：
小伙子们，你们可能无法理解妻子们对永无止尽的花钱在手袋和鞋子上的欲望。而女士们，你们可能也无法理解男人购买和无止尽的炫耀家庭影院设备的欲望。但是夫妻关系是团队合作，共同工作并帮助对方获得快乐。
这个概念已经超出了金钱的范畴。
你不是你的伴侣。你们的价值观和优先级可能不一样。如果你想到的都是自己的优先级，你就有问题。反过来说，如果你的伴侣的优先级和你自己的相距甚远以至于你无法发挥一个单位的功能，那么你可能是和一个错误的人连在了一起，但这是其他文章的课题。
5）请记住是你和你的伴侣决定夫妻关系中的规则：
夫妻关系的条款不是由朋友、父母或同事决定的。是的，他人的意见可以帮助你整理想法，但是他们不能代替你伴侣的想法。你不是要取悦全世界。你是要尝试取悦自己和你的伴侣，请别忘了这一点。
6）停止“请理解我”的冲动：
我知道人们会花十分钟为了某些无聊的问题而争吵，然后花一个小时讨论引起这次争吵的动机。我们希望被理解。我们希望我们的伴侣能理解我们的行为是合理的，希望他们在我们还没有分享意见之前就能领会我们的意思。关键问题是你想要这种理解为某些实际的打算服务还是为某些自负的自私武断服务。如果是后者，那就算了吧。
7）在大问题上快速达成一致：
不是每场战争都值得打，但是大问题值得快速，冷静，果断的解决，否则他们会在表面正常的夫妻关系下不断化脓溃烂，为你的幸福带来难以形容的大灾难。
我一结婚就很快的认识到我妻子和我在钱方面的优先级有所不同。对于我来说，保持一定量的存款来及时付帐单非常重要。但是对她来说，这些事情就不是那么重要。要知道钱是导致离婚的首要因素，所以我一直在寻找冷静的提出问题的方法，直到我们在如何处置我们的资产上达成一致。问题解决了。从此，我们没有为钱吵过一次架。我们妥协的细枝末节的看起来并不像我们达成一致那么重要。
好了，现在你已经有了成为一个更好的伴侣的7种方法。现在，我要转过头来问你。对于成为一个更好的伴侣，你有哪些建议呢？夫妻关系对于我们所有人来说都至关重要。而且我们作为一个博客团体比单独的我们更强大，我们非常感谢您的建议。如果你的夫妻关系非常成功，请将你的秘密告诉其他读者！
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