“What do I get if I do it?”
“How much will you give me?”
Heard these words lately from your darling offspring? If so, chances are your kid is suffering from a widespread kid epidemic called: “Hooked on Rewards.” (Translation: they expect the gold stars, stickers, or monetary prizes for a job well done).
Here's the danger: instead of developing internal motivation, these kids end up with a highly developed external dependence system that relies on someone else to acknowledge their actions. If you've noticed your child is expecting something for acting right, here are a few tips to help kids become responsible for reinforcing their own behavior -- without expecting something in return:
- Stop giving material rewards for every little thing. Take a firm stand against unnecessary incentives. Just expect your kid to help out at home and do the best she can in school and other activities so she'll learn to be self-reliant.
- Switch your pronouns from "I" to "you." The simple pronoun switch takes the emphasis off of your approval and puts more focus on your child's acknowledgment of her appropriate actions.
The "I" statement: “I'm really proud of how hard you worked today.” The "You" statement: “You must really be proud of how hard you worked today.”
- Encourage internal praise. Point out what your child did that deserved merit and then remind him to acknowledge himself internally (to use "self-talk"): "John, you really made an effort not to say anything negative about the other team today. You were being a good sport. Did you remember to tell yourself that you did a great job?"
- State what you see. The next time your kid does something noteworthy, keep your wallet closed. Instead, state a simple judgment-free comment: “You rode your bike all by yourself!” or “Wow, you really put a lot of work into this report.” Or simply, “You did it.”
- Ask questions to boost internal pride. Instead of being so quick to reinforce your kid, find out what pleased her about the job she did. Ask her, “What was the hardest part about writing that report?” The trick is to nurture your kid's internal motivation by putting the success back inside her corner.
- Keep an accomplishment journal. Give your kid a small journal. At least once a week ask him to spend a few minutes writing (or drawing) his successes. This simple routine helps kids slowly recognize that they are their own best behavior guide and reinforcer.
Watch the segment from TODAY
One of our most important parenting tasks is to help our kids become self-reliant and recognize that they do have control over their lives and the choices they make. Although we may relish the role of cheering our kids on to success, in the end they have to be their own cheerleaders and learn to count on themselves -- and not on us.
All the best!
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of
No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them.
译文:
你的孩子沉迷于奖励吗？
“如果我做了，我能得到什么？”
“你会给我多少钱呢？”
近来经常听到你亲爱的宝贝讲这些话吗？如果是的，可能是你的孩子正经历一种普遍的流行病叫“沉迷于奖励”（解释：当做好一件事情时，他们期望得到金星、粘贴纸或者是金钱奖励。）
它的危害性是: 这些孩子的对外依赖系统而不是内在动机高度发达，他们依赖于别人来奖赏他们的行动。如果你发现你的孩子做好事情后希望奖励，这里有一些小贴士可以帮助他们为自己的行为负责，而不是反过来期待奖励。
小事情停止给予物质奖励。 坚决反对不必要的奖励。仅仅在家里帮助你的孩子解决难题，在学校和其它活动中尽力而为，这样，她将学会自力更生。
把代词“我”改为“你”。 简单的代词转换淡化了你的赞许，重点强调孩子对其恰当行为的承认。“我”陈述的是：“我对你今天努力工作真的感到骄傲。”而“你”陈述的是：“你应该对你今天的努力工作感到骄傲。”
鼓励内在赞扬。告诉你的孩子哪些值得应该去做，并提醒他在内心表扬自己（自言自语）：“约翰，你今天的确努力不说其他队的坏话了，你将成为一个好运动员，记得告诉你自己你做的很棒了吗？”
陈述你所看见的。下一次你的孩子做了有意义的事情，记得不要打开你的钱包，相反，你可以说一些没有判断意义的话，如“你自己骑车的！”或“喔，你的确做了不少事情。”或简单的说“是你做的。
提问来刺激内在自豪感。找出她的工作中让她高兴的事情，而不是急于肯定。可以问她：“写这篇报告最难的部分是什么？”窍门是通过把成功藏在内心来培养孩子的内在动机。
写成功日记。让他至少每个礼拜花几分钟来写或画一次有关他成功的事情。这个简单的惯例帮助小孩慢慢认识到他们才是自己最好的行为向导和行为加强者。
从今天来看这个片段
我们最重要的养育任务之一就是帮助我们的孩子学会自力更生，并且让他们认识到他们才是自己生活的主宰。尽管我们可能津津乐道于孩子的成功，但最终他们将成为自己的啦啦队队长并且学会依靠自己而不是依靠我们。
祝万事吉利！