Help me Steve! The kids, my husband, getting the house ready, the cooking, the shopping plus full-time work - I’ve got everything to do for Christmas, I’m already running around like a mad thing and time’s fast running out! Plus my husband’s parents are coming over for the first time and I don’t get on with his Mum at all. So Christmas Day itself is going to be a huge amount of work and while I’ll probably enjoy it I know I’ll get stressed out. What can I do to make it more magical and less stressful?” - Vicky in London
This is an email I received the other day that’s typical of many I receive at this time of year, and my own Christmas is promising to be an interesting one.
My recently-out gay nephew is bringing his Eastern European partner to meet my family, including my bordering-on-homophobic, anti-immigrant father, and my sister’s ex-husband is coming along for the first time in 7 years, having split from his new partner who’s spending Christmas with their daughter.
It feels like I’m in an episode of Eastenders.
I’m sure that a lot of you will be sharing some seasonal anxiety too, so here are my tips for confidently handing a family Christmas.
1. Adjust your expectations.
If you expect everything to be perfect and to go like clockwork, you’re going to get stressed, angry and upset when that doesn’t happen - you’re setting yourself up for a big disappointment.
If you have unrealistic expectations make sure you shift them before things can get stressful.
Change your expectations so you expect the odd hiccup, and choose to laugh about them rather than stress about them - laughter goes a long way.
2. Go with the flow.
The tree doesn’t have to have every bauble hung perfectly, the roast potatoes don’t have to be like Gordon Ramsay’s and you don’t have to be the perfect host. Relax, step back and recognise what’s important about Christmas for you.
What is it that makes Christmas special and magical? I guarantee it’s nothing to do with how many cheeses are on the cheese board or whether dinner is half an hour late to the table. It’s about togetherness, warmth, laughter and lightness.
Give yourself a break, relax and enjoy the good stuff.
3. Deal with family issues later.
Remember that Christmas isn’t the best time to sort out all your problems with family and friends. Nobody wants to argue and fight at Christmas so try and deal with any family issues another time. Even find a good opportunity to tell key people that you can put your differences aside for a few days.
Also remember that you don’t have to spend every waking moment with family if you don’t want to. If you find yourself going mad, take a break, go for a walk or visit a friend, and don’t get over- exposed.
4. Do things in the right spirit.
What I’ve learned is that the best way of feeling fulfilled and magical at Christmas is to give without attachment to the outcome.
Yes, that sounds pretty cheesy (like something Mickey Rooney would say in a Disney Christmas family movie), but I promise you it’s true.
Some people might moan about their gifts and others may take their stresses out on you. There’s nothing you can do about those things but you can choose how to be and how you want to feel.
People would much rather spend time with you when you’re relaxed and generous of heart rather than seeing you wound up and stressed, so make a choice that puts you at your best and most generous of spirit.
Am I worried about my potentially challenging (and even comically disastrous) Christmas?
Nope.
That’s simply because I know my family well enough to know that we can let our hair down and have fun, and that any personal issues people might have are nowhere near as important as the family relationships we value so much.
I can’t wait for Christmas.
Steve Errey almost died at age 9 as he choked on a grape. Today, Steve is still feeling the effects of some extravagant spending but remains remarkably upbeat and positive. As a leading confidence coach with clients right around the world, Steve has a reputation for talking sense and getting results. Read more at The Confidence Guy
译文:
如何从容处理节日的家庭不和
请帮我，史蒂芬！我孩子和我老公已经把房子是收拾好了，煮饭、购物加上全职工作——我得为圣诞节做好一切准备，我已经忙得快疯了，而且时间很快就过去了！加上我老公的父母第一次来我们家，而且我和他妈妈相处不和。所以圣诞节本身就有很多事情忙，倘若我能够释放些压力，我也许会过得开心。我怎样才能让它更神奇和少些压力？“—伦敦的维琪
这封邮件是我几天前收到的，这是我一年在这时候收到的典型邮件，这注定让我的圣诞节很有趣。
最近，我的同性恋侄子带他东欧伙伴来见我的家人，我还得接壤一对同性恋者，反移民的父亲，和7年来首次来访的姐姐的前任丈夫，他和她老婆刚分开，他老婆和她们的女儿一起过圣诞节。
我感觉自己就像是《东区人》里的一个插曲。
我想你也有很多季节性的焦虑想在此分享，所以我在此提供一些自信掌控家庭圣诞节的建议。
1.调整你的期望.
如果你希望一切事情都是完美的并机械式地顺从，当事情并不完美时，你将会变得紧张、生气和失望——你是给自己设置一个大失望。
如果你有不切实际的期望，请在你充满压力之前转变它们。
改变你的期望，所以你就当是奇怪的事情，并选择一笑而过，而不是因它们有压力——笑出来让你走的更远
2. 随遇而安.
树上没有必要将每一个装饰物都挂得很完美，烤土豆不必像戈登拉姆齐那样的好吃，你也没必要要求自己做个完美的主人。放松，换个角度去看问题并认清圣诞节对你来说最重要的是什么。
是什么让圣诞节变得特殊和神奇？我敢说它和奶酪板上奶酪的多少或者晚餐迟了半个小时是没有关系的。圣诞节应该是相聚、温暖、笑声和轻松。
让你自己休息，放松并享受美好的东西。
3. 随后再处理家庭问题.
请记住，圣诞节不是和家人朋友解决所有问题最好的时间。没有人愿意在圣诞节期间争论和争吵，所以试图再另外找个时间来解决家庭问题。即便是你可以找个适当的机会来告诉重要的人，请你先把分歧搁置几天。
也请你记住，如果没必要，你不必勉强自己花费每分每秒陪你家人。如果你发现自己快崩溃了，你可以先休息一下，去散步，或看望一个朋友，不要过分显露出来。
4.在精神状态好的时候做事情.
我认为，在圣诞节期间感觉充实和神奇的最好方式是不要过份注重结果。
也许那听起来很俗气（就像米老鼠会在迪士尼圣诞家庭电影中说一样），但是我向你保证这是真的。
有些人也许抱怨他们的礼物，或者是别人往你身上发气。虽然你不能改变这些事情，但是你可以选择如何，以及选择你想要的感觉。
人们宁愿在你心情放松和情绪高昂时花时间陪你，而不是看你生气和充满压力，所以选择让你处于最佳状态和情绪最好的时候。
我担心我可能具有挑战性的（甚至滑稽性灾难的）圣诞节吗？
不。
那仅仅是因为我太了解我的家人了，我知道我们可以冷静下来并一起开玩笑，任何个人问题都不及我们所珍惜的家庭关系重要。
我等不及圣诞节的到来。
史蒂芬艾瑞在9岁时差点就死了，因为他 哽咽了葡萄。今天，史蒂芬仍然受一些奢侈消费的影响，但他保持非常乐观和积极。作为领头的自信教主，他在世界各地都有顾问，史蒂芬因开导他人并富有成效而出名。在The Confidence Guy有更多阅读