Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Alex Blackwell, who writes about creating success and happiness for the rest of your life at The Next 45 Years.
Final exams at Kansas University are only a few weeks away. My daughter, Caitlin, has been working very hard and will successfully complete her freshmen year in very good academic standing. Caitlin has learned a lot about being on her own and other important life skills, too.
However, she has already informed her mother and me her car will be packed and she will be ready to pull out of Lawrence, Kansas and head back home as soon as she completes her last exam.
While Mary Beth and I are looking forward to spending the summer with our daughter, we just hope her return to the nest will be equally successful.
In anticipation of her return home, my wife and I have been discussing how to embrace this change to our routine. We want the next few months to be happy and productive ones for the sake of the entire family. We have settled on these five ways to cope when our daughter comes home, again. I hope you will find these useful too:
1. Establish Some Ground Rules. The first place to start is with establishing, and communicating, the house rules have not gone away, even though Caitlin has been away from the house for the past 10 months. Things like curfew times, noise levels, keeping up with assigned household chores and friends coming over will all be redefined and enforced.
Being part of a family is a privilege. The ability to enjoy a comfortable home, food in the fridge, cable television and a computer with a fast Internet connection all come with responsibilities. The most fundamental of these responsibilities is to be accountable and to follow the family-approved rules. No one is exempt for these and there are no exceptions.
2. Set Boundaries. I have resigned myself to the fact that the peace and quiet Mary Beth and have enjoyed since last August will be interrupted over the summer months. This is not an indictment or criticism about Caitlin’s behavior; it’s just being honest to say our house has a lot more energy in it when our daughter is here.
With that said, my wife and I still have a right to privacy and to our personal space. It’s important for all of us to have some personal space to retreat to when the need arises.
3. Caitlin’s Contributions. In addition to respecting the house rules, there is also an expectation our daughter will contribute to the family in other ways, too. Helping with dinner, getting Emily, our younger daughter, to and from where she needs to go, and pitching in with the laundry will all be expected contributions.
When children return home, they should not be considered as invited guests, but as fully engaged and productive members of the family. Their contributions, however, are not limited to how they can help their parents; their presence, spirit and love are all valuable contributions as well.
4. Cultivate an Adult Relationship. It’s very fulfilling watching our children grow up and grow in to becoming mature and responsible adults. An expectation Catlin may have this summer is to be treated as an adult – I can’t wait to meet her expectation.
We invest some much time and effort in our children when they are young. This investment yields very, very favorable returns when we get to experience them as adults.
The years of reading bedtime stories and believing in Santa Claus are indeed magical. The time spent talking about who should win the next presidential election over a cold beer can be just as delightful. Gradually, and without much notice, our children become our friends.
I’m looking forward to finding out more about the reasons behind Caitlin’s choice for president. I’m looking forward to nurturing an adult relationship with my daughter this summer.
5. Create an Exit Strategy. As the August days begin to get shorter, so will our time with Caitlin. With every homecoming, there is also a farewell.
When my daughter pulls up into the driveway in a couple of weeks, no one will be thinking about the day she will need to back out and head for Lawrence. It will be important to drop-in reminders of the inevitable departure along the way.
Within a few days of her return home, we will quickly develop a new routine and grow accustomed to her new-found presence in the house. We will also need to help transition her back to her college life.
Shopping for new items for her apartment, gradually giving her more autonomy as the summer wanes into the fall, and planning the Thanksgiving holiday details when we will unite as a family again, are all things we can do to help with the transition from the nest and back into her independence.
Thomas Wolfe may suggest “you can’t go home again,” but you can welcome your child home again and begin building a new relationship that can be sustained for the rest of your lives together.
Read more from Alex Blackwell at his blog, The Next 45 Years.
译文:
五种方法应对您的孩子重返家庭
编辑注：这是一封名叫亚历克斯布莱克韦尔的旅客写的邮件。他写了在自己生命接下来的45年里将去创造成功和幸福的事。
堪萨斯州大学的期末考试刚刚过去几个星期。我的女儿，凯特琳，这段时间一直非常用功，而且将以十分出色的学术水平成功地完成她的大一学年。凯特琳也学到了许多她自己以及其他重要的生活技能。
然而，她已经告诉她母亲及我，她的汽车就要被收起来，她也做好准备离开劳伦斯，堪萨斯州，完成最后的测试后就尽快赶回家。
尽管我和玛丽贝丝都希望能够和女儿共度这个夏天，但我们只是希望她能顺顺当当地回到家。
想着她要回家，我和妻子已经商量着如何欣然接受这种变化，融入我们的日常生活。出于整个家庭的考虑，我们希望接下来的几个星期能够快乐和有价值。我们想出五个法子来应对女儿重返家庭。我希望你们也能觉得这些有点用：
1、确立一些基本规定。首先我们要知道就是，随着确立规定和交流活动的进行，家里的规矩从来就没有消失过，即使凯特琳已经离开这个家有10月之久。雇佣的家务零时工以及串门的朋友习惯的一些事比如时间宵禁，噪音大小，都会被重新规定并且强制执行。
作为家庭的一分子就应享有一种特权。一种享受舒适家庭的权利，冰箱里的食物，有线电视和连接着快速互联网的电脑，提供这所有的一切都是我们的责任。这些责任最基本的一点就是我们要有责任心，同时遵守家庭通过的各项规定。没人能够排除在这些规定之外，也没有免责条款。
2、设置界限。我只好认清事实，在夏天的这几个月里，平和而安静的玛丽贝丝和最近八月以来享受的一切都将受到打扰。这并不是对凯特琳的行为的一种控诉或者批评。仅仅坦言之，当我们女儿呆在这时，我们屋子里会充满更多的活力。
即使那样说，我和妻子也有权利去保留隐私以及我们的个人空间。对我们大家来说，当有需要的时候能够退回到自己的某些私人空间里是十分重要的。
3、凯特琳的贡献。除了尊重家里的规矩外，我们对女儿还有另外一个期望，就是她也能够用其他方式对家庭作些的贡献。帮忙做做晚餐，给艾丽米打打下手，我们的女儿往返于在需要她的地方，还有呆在洗衣房忙活，这些都是我们希望她能做的贡献。
孩子们回了家，就不能把他们当作是请来的客人，而应该是全身心投入到家庭中并能多作贡献的一分子。然而他们的贡献不仅仅在于怎么能够帮助自己的父母。他们的存在、精神和爱同时都是极具价值的贡献。
4、培养一种成年人之间的关系。看到孩子们成长并逐渐成为一个成熟而有责任感的成年人时，我们备感满足。这个夏天正是凯特琳成长为大人的绝好机会，我简直等不及实现这个期待。
当孩子们还小的时候，我们在他们身上花费了不少的时间和精力。当看到孩子们长大成人时，我们的付出也就换来了十分可观的回报。
在睡觉的时候读些故事、深信有圣诞老人的这些年头，实际上很奇妙。一边喝着冰啤酒，一边讨论谁会在下一届总统选举中胜出的这段时光中，我们不曾注意到，我们的孩子已经成为了自己的朋友。
关于凯特琳选举总统，我一直希望探究更多其中的原因，也希望在这个夏天和培养女儿一种成人之间的关系。
5、创造一种离别的策略。随着八月一天一天过去，我们和凯特琳相处的日子将要来临。每次省亲回家但终究是要说声再见。
当女儿在未来两三个星期要踏上回家的道路，没人会想她哪一天要赶回去，奔向劳伦斯。所以在整个过程中，对于这不可避免的离别，给自己先提个醒是很重要的。
在她回家几天内，我们将很快建立一个新的生活例程，同时习惯在这个家里这个“新面孔”的存在。我们也需要帮助她转变回去，去适应她的大学生活。
当这个夏天渐渐离去，我们会为她的公寓添置一些新物品，并且逐步地给她更多的自治权；当我们又一次重新组成一个家庭时，就要好好计划一下感恩节假日的细节问题。所有这些事都是我们在她从家里生活转变到自己独立时能够帮助她的。
托马斯乌尔夫也许建议“你不能再回家了”，但是你能在自己剩余的生命当中持续地做这么一件事，就是再次欢迎孩子们重返家庭，并开始建立一种新的关系。
从亚历克斯布莱克韦尔博客阅读更多，剩下的45年。