Poor Delusional Me
Being a single bloke in his forties draws all kinds of comments, suggestions, inferences and questions from a broad cross-section of people, with responses ranging from pity to surprise, through to outright jealousy. Apparently the most interesting thing about me (for some people) is my wife-less-ness (Craigism). Clearly there’s something weird, dark and dysfunctional about me that needs to be explored and explained.
Or… I could just be a happy, single bloke.
Naaah.
Pity
Women periodically feel sorry for me (while simultaneously trying to hook me up with their sister, cousin, neighbour or girlfriend), while blokes have been known to ask if I’d be interested in trading lives with them. According to some people, I must be miserable, lonely, unfulfilled and emotionally inept. Apparently I just think I’m happy; I’m just telling myself that to make ‘me’ feel better about being tragically single. And lonely. Poor delusional Craig.
Gotta say, my delusion is quite the place. You should visit.
The Happiness Fraud
After all, we live in our head and we create our own reality don’t we? So if I think I’m happy and I feel happy then that would make me… happy. Wouldn’t it? Nope, apparently I’m in denial. Consciously happy but subconsciously miserable. All this time and I didn’t realise. So ignorant of me. I’ve been a happiness fraud without knowing it. I best start working on my frown. And my country music CD collection. If only I could find an unhappy married person to challenge the marriage-happiness correlation theory. As if I’m gonna find one of them.
Oh well.
Husband anyone?
A Rubik’s Cube with Hair
Last time I spoke about being single on my site I was inundated with feedback on the matter. I personally seem to go through cycles where my wife-less-ness is of greater or lesser interest to other people. For me, it’s a non-issue but it seems that some people are always trying to figure me out. Apparently I’m some kind of complex human puzzle that needs to be solved. Or cured perhaps. Someone raises the subject with me at least once a week. Never smoked, never consumed alcohol, never been married = weird. At least once a week I hear something like “it’s strange that someone in your position (my position?) isn’t married.” Okay, it’s official; I’m strange. If not me, my situation.
Ticking the Boxes
But this article is not about my marital status, it’s about pressure, standards, expectations and the unwritten rules. You know the rules. Living in Western Society there are certain boxes which (allegedly) need to be ticked if we’re going to fit in and be seen as normal. The irony of normal being that while it’s apparently desirable, it’s not necessarily where happiness lives. In reality, some people’s (version of) normal is actually what provides them with the most pain, frustration and grief. We think we want normal but perhaps what we really want is exceptional. Abnormal even. After all, take a look at society’s normal and it ain’t really that attractive. In fact, we could say that it looks kinda broke, a little chubby, somewhat unhealthy, not particularly happy and decidedly unfulfilled (miserable) with it’s career.
2.3 Kids
Of course there are the accepted (expected maybe) social standards and behaviours; kind of like a life TO DO list. It’s not always spoken of… but it exists. All the stuff us normal folk are meant to do over the course of our normal lives. Marriage (at least once), kids (2.3 of them), annual holidays (2-4 weeks, somewhere warm), buy a house (pay it off over two hundred years - can’t go wrong with real estate), a sensible job (large firm, good conditions, something secure, potential for progression), weekly attendance at a house of worship (keeping in mind the eternal consequences of non-attendance)… you get the point. Of course there’s nothing wrong (at all) with aspiring to marriage, a good career, financial success, a couple of rug rats or a respected place in the congregation or the after-life, but the problem lies in our (society’s) consensual thinking that ticking these boxes automatically provides an individual with a better (more balanced, more fulfilled, more worthwhile, happier) life than the person who ticks zero (of those) boxes.
The Enormity of Conformity
On some level we all want to fit in, but it seems that in trying to blend in with the landscape of humanity we often lose our purpose, our individuality and our sense of self. We lose, or maybe never discover, the real us. The us we could be. Should be. Rather than exploring our potential, our talent, our curiosities and our passion, we become what’s expected of us. We tick boxes. We keep parents happy. Bosses happy. We say the right things. Do the right things. We conform. We become another clone. And living in a world which so often punishes individuality, conformity is understandable. Sad, but understandable.
Rules Schmules
I often think about the impact that the great unspoken TO DO list has on our lives. The rules, the expectations, the pressure, the confusion, the embarrassment and even the shame of not conforming, not ticking all the boxes and not living up to society’s standards or the expectations of others in our world. Some of us have spent far too much time, ticking way too many boxes. Perhaps it’s time to stop.
Craig Harper (B.Ex.Sci.) is a qualified exercise scientist, author, columnist, radio presenter, television host, motivational speaker and university lecturer. For the past 25 years he has been a leading presenter, educator, motivator and commentator in the areas of personal and professional development. You can visit Craig's blog at Motivational Speaker.
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译文:
结婚以及其他我打算做的事
可怜的被（他人的）妄想折磨的我啊
当一个四十多岁的单身汉，就会招来许多来自各个才华方面的人的评论、建议、推论和疑问，伴随着从遗憾、惊讶到完全的妒忌的回答。很明显，（对于某些人）我最有趣的地方就是没太太，显然，在我身上肯定有一些需要发掘出来的奇怪的、黑暗的东西。
或者……我只是想当一个快乐的单身汉罢了。
唉。
遗憾
女性们周期性的为我感到难过（同时试图把她们的姐妹侄女邻居或闺蜜介绍给我），而在问我是否有意与他们交流生活之时，与其他光棍相识了。对于一些人来说，我一定很悲惨、寂寞、空虚、情绪糟糕；我只是认为自己是幸福的，然后对悲惨的单身生活强颜欢笑；其实很寂寞。可怜的自以为是的人啊。
应该说，我的“妄想”还是不错的。你应该学学。
幸福骗子
我们毕竟有自己的头脑支配创造自己的生活，不是吗？所以，如果我觉得自己是幸福的同时感到幸福，那么，我就会觉得——幸福。不是吗？不，很显然我不赞成这种说法。那是想象的幸福，下意识地悲惨罢了。一开始我完全没有意识到。我是这么无知啊。我不自知时当了一个幸福骗子。我最好解决我的烦恼，还有我的乡村音乐CD收集。要是我能找到一个不幸福的已婚人士去挑战婚姻幸福相互关系理论就好了。好像我会找到一个的。
好了好了。不开心的丈夫，举个手冒个泡吧。
头大了
上周我在网上说了一下单身的事，得到了很多的回复。看来我的交际圈就是那些对我的“无妻子”抱有或多或少的兴趣的人。对我来说，打光棍没什么，但对其他人来说，不然。（他们认为），显然我是那种有一大堆问题要解决或治愈的麻烦人物。甚至有些人一周至少要提这个话题一次。不吸烟，不酗酒，不结婚，加起来等于怪人。至少一周一次我会听到这些：“你这种身份（我的身份？）的人不结婚很奇怪。”好吧，我说我是怪人好了吧。如果我没有毛病，就是这个社会有毛病。
Ticking the Boxes
本文无关于我的婚姻状况，而关于压力，水平，期望和潜规则。你知道的。居住在西方社会，你如果想适应这个社会当个普通人，你必须遵守一些约定俗成的东西。普通人的正常的讽刺，不是幸福必须的。事实上，有些人的所谓“正常”给了他们痛苦、挫折和悲伤。我们自认为想要的是平常，但或许真正要的是特别，甚至是异于常人。毕竟，看看社会上那些所谓的“正常”，完全没有吸引力啊。事实上，我们可以说，它看上破破烂烂，有些臃肿，有些不良，不怎么让人感到幸福，其经历肯定未得履行，肯定（悲惨）。
2.3 个孩子
社会接受的（或许也是预期的）标准和行为当然是存在的，有点类似于“待办事项”列单。也许没有空开……但存在。 我们普通人做的所有事都是为了正常的生活。婚姻（至少一次），孩子（2~3个），年假（2~4周，去一些温暖的地方），买房（200年还清——房产行差踏错不得），理想的工作（大公司，良好的环境，保障，可以升职），每周出席各种聚会（记住不出席的后果）……你抓到关键了。当然，追求婚姻，好工作，金钱，身前身后的良好的社会地位完全没错，但问题在于（社会的）遵守潜规则，比起那些“离经叛道”的家伙，可以给人带来更好的（更加平衡, 更加完, 更加值得, 更加幸福)的生活的共识。
合格的严重性
有些时候我们都会想适应社会，但看起来在我们试图融入人群中去的时候，我们经常会迷失目标、个性和意义。我们丢失了自己，而且可能一辈子都找不回来了。我们成了那种可以、应该成为的人，而不再探索自己的潜力、天赋、好奇及激情，我们成了那种（别人）期望成为的人。我们循规蹈矩，我们孝顺父母，取悦上司。我们说对的事情，做对的事，我们符合（标准),我们成为翻版。住在一个个性被磨灭的社会里，圆滑是可以被理解的。悲哀，但可以理解。
Rules Schmules
我常在想，那未公开的“待办事项”列单对我们的生活的影响：规则，期望，压力，困惑，尴尬，甚至还有异于常人、特立独行、没有达到社会水准或没有达到他人的期待的耻辱感。我们中的一些人花了太多太多的时间去循规蹈矩了。是时候停一下了。
Craig Harper (B.Ex.Sci.) 是一位合格的运动科学家, 作者, 专栏作家, 收音机节目主持人, 电视节目主持人, 鼓舞人心的演说家和大学讲师。在个人和专业发展领域里，他当了25年的主要的节目主持人, 教育家, 鼓舞家和评论员。你可以访问其在Motivational Speaker的博客。