原文: ANIMAL TALES[TNY]

by Simon Rich 
June 30, 2008

ILLUSTRATION: ZOHAR

Keywords

Animals;

Frogs;

Dogs;

Dalmatians;

Chickens;

Biology;

Dissection

FROGS

“Hey, can I ask you something? Why do human children dissect us?”

“It’s part of their education. They cut open our bodies in school and write reports about their findings.”

“Huh. Well, I guess it could be worse, right? I mean, at least we’re not dying in vain.”

“How do you figure?”

“Well, our deaths are furthering the spread of knowledge. It’s a huge sacrifice we’re making, but at least some good comes out of it.”

“Let me show you something.”

“What’s this?”

“It’s a frog-dissection report.”

“Who wrote it?”

“A fourteen-year-old human from New York City. Some kid named Simon.”

(Flipping through it.) “This is it? This is the whole thing?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Geez. It doesn’t look like he put a lot of time into this.”

“Look at the diagram on the last page.”

“Oh, my God . . . it’s so crude. It’s almost as if he wasn’t even looking down at the paper while he was drawing it. Like he was watching TV or something.”

“Read the conclusion.”

“ ‘In conclusion, frogs are a scientific wonder of biology.’ What does that even mean?”

“It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Why are the margins so big?”

“He was trying to make it look as if he had written five pages, even though he had only written four.”

“He couldn’t come up with one more page of observations about our dead bodies?”

“I guess not.”

“This paragraph looks like it was copied straight out of an encyclopedia. I’d be shocked if he retained any of this information.”

“Did you see that he spelled ‘science’ wrong in the heading?”

“Whoa . . . I missed that. That’s incredible.”

“He didn’t even bother to run it through spell-check.”

“Who did he dissect?”

“Harold.”

“Betsy’s husband? Jesus. So this is why Harold was killed. To produce this . . . ‘report.’ ”

(Nods.) “This is why his life was taken from him.”

(Long pause.)

“Well, at least it has a cover sheet.”

“Yeah. The plastic’s a nice touch.”

DALMATIANS

“Hey, look, the truck’s stopping.”

“Did they take us to the park this time?”

“No—it’s a fire. Another horrible fire.”

“What the hell is wrong with these people?”

FREE-RANGE CHICKENS

“Well, it’s another beautiful day in paradise.”

“How’d we get so lucky?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care.”

“I think I’ll go walk over there for a while. Then I’ll walk back over here.”

“That sounds like a good time. Maybe I’ll do the same.”

“Hey, someone refilled the grain bucket!”

“Is it the same stuff as yesterday?”

“I hope so.”

“Oh, man, it’s the same stuff, all right.”

“It’s so good.”

“I can’t stop eating it.”

“Hey, you know what would go perfectly with this grain? Water.”

“Dude. Look inside the other bucket.”

“This . . . is the greatest day of my life.”

“Drink up, pal.”

“Cheers!”

(Laughs.)

(Laughs.)

“Hey, look, the farmer’s coming.”

“Huh. Guess it’s my turn to go into the thing.”

“Cool. See you later, buddy.”

“See ya.”

We are working at The New Yorker Translation Plan. Are u interested? Join us!

译文: 动物寓言三则【纽约客】

西蒙-里奇   
2008.06.30

插图：Zohar Lazar

关键词：动物  青蛙  生物  解剖  狗  达尔马提亚狗  小鸡

青蛙

“嘿，我能问你些事情吗？为什么人类的孩子们要解剖我们啊？”
“那是他们教育的一部分。他们在学校里切开我们的身体，然后根据发现来写报告。”
“哈，呃，我猜这会很糟糕，是吧？我意思是，至少我们不是死得毫无价值。”
“这怎么说？”
“呃，我们的死亡在推动着知识的传播。我们正作出巨大的牺牲，但至少得出一些好的东西。”
“我给你看些东西吧。”
“这是什么？”
“这是青蛙解剖报告。”
“谁写的？”
“一个14岁的来自纽约市的人类！某个叫西蒙的小子。”
（翻阅报告）“这就是报告了？整件事情就这些？”
“呃——呵。”
“哎呀，看起来他并没有花很多时间在这上面啊。”
“看最后一页上的图表吧。”
“噢，我的上帝……这太不像话了，他简直没有看着本子就乱画一通，在看电视或者什么吧。”
“读一下结论部分。”
“‘综上所述，青蛙是生物科学里的一个奇迹。’这究竟是什么意思？”
“根本没啥意义。”
“为什么页边空白留得这么宽？”
“他尽量使得文章看起来写了五页，尽管他只写了四页。”
“通过对我们尸体的观察，难道他就不能写多一页？”
“我想他不能。”
“这段好像直接在百科全书中抄过来的。如果真是他写的话，我感到震惊。”
“你看到了吗，他拼错了标题中的‘科学’（science）一词。”
“咳，我没注意到。真是难以置信啊！”
“他甚至懒得去浏览一遍文章的拼写了。”
“他解剖了谁啊？”
“哈罗德（Harold）”
“贝茨的丈夫？老天，这就是哈罗德就义的原因，为了这个——‘报告’？”
（点头）“这就是他为何会魂归天国！”
（长长地停顿）
“呵，至少这报告还加了个封套。”
“是啊，这塑封的手感还好！”

达尔马提亚狗【1】

“嘿，看，卡车停了！”
“这次他们要带我们到公园里去吗？”
“不——他们开火了，又一次可怕的射击。”
“这些人究竟发什么神经啊！”

自由放养的小鸡

“啊，又一个天堂般的美好日子！”
“我们怎会这么走运？”
“我不知道也不在乎。”
“我想我该到那边走走，然后再沿路走回来。”
“听起来挺不错，或许我也该这样。”
“嘿，桶里又装满谷子了。”
“和昨天的一样吗？”
“我希望是。”
“噢，伙计，真的是一样的，不错！”
“这样就好！”
“我禁不住想一直吃啊吃。”
“嘿，你知道什么和谷子搭配最佳吗？是水”
“伙计，往另一个吊桶里面看吧。”
“这……这是我人生中最美好的一天了！”
“喝完它，好朋友！”
“我们干杯！”
（笑声）
（笑声）
“嘿，看，农场主来了！“
“哎呀，我想该轮到我躲到吊桶里啦。”
“好极了！稍后见啦，伙计。”
“再见。”

文中注释：

【1】达尔马提亚狗（Dalmatian）：亦称大麦町。以达尔马提亚地区而得名的狗品种。原产地不明，已知最早见於达尔马提亚。用於放哨、军事、消防、狩猎、牧羊和表演马戏。体壮，被毛短，白色带深色斑点。体高48∼58.5公分(19∼23吋)，体重16∼25公斤(35∼55磅)。性安稳友善。俗称英格兰马车狗，消防站狗、葡萄干布丁狗等。

    达尔马提亚：克罗地亚的一个地区。包括亚得里亚海沿岸的达尔马提亚群岛和附近1，000多个小岛。总面积1.3万平方公里。人口约75万。行政中心斯普利特。气候宜人，多疗养胜地。经济以旅游业为主。农作物有葡萄、油橄榄、棉花、烟草等。渔业和造船业居重要地位。布腊奇岛开采建筑石料。主要港市有斯普利特、杜布罗夫尼克。