幸福婚姻的二十个秘诀

读者: 3526    发布时间: 2008

原文: 20 Secrets of a Happy Marriage

  1. Laugh together

    Rent a comedy, watch television comics, and share a laugh. Schedule fun in your planner. Remembering your shared joys later helps keep you connected.
  2. Get along with your in-laws

     Family is important. Family grounds us. Your partner got his values and morals from his family of origin. Include them in your life and your lives will be richer. Make the effort. My spouse and I like each others' family members. Most of them. Most of the time. From a distance
  3. Plan a couple's only weekend getaway

    Get out of town together. Eat dinner at a nice restaurant, one that requires reservations and has a dress code. Afterward, you might take in a movie, or go to the theatre, or go to a nightclub. The best part about getting away together is retiring for the evening to a nice motel room. “Nuff said?
  4. Take a family vacation

    That week or ten days with the kids, exploring new places and doing fun activities reminds us that there is a whole big world out there. That makes it easier to get through the daily grind back home. It is relaxing to plan a trip and the anticipation gives you something to look forward to. The goal of saving for it unites you. Make memories together.
  5. Play together

    Find something that the whole family enjoys doing together. When our kids were younger, we camped, fished, hiked, swam and played board games as a family. Now our play is skiing and eating out. The family that plays together stays together.
  6. Pursue individual interests

    No one person can be everything for another person. My spouse likes computer games, watching sports on television and reading about history. I don't. That's okay. We are two separate people with different likes and dislikes, hobbies, friends and desires. You need a support system and so does he. You two are not joined at the hip. You'll have something to talk about because of your different interests. Keeps your marriage fresh
  7. Maintain some money of your own

    Everyone needs money to spend -or save- that is uncensored. Your great great grandma probably kept egg money for the same reason. Budget it in monthly for each of you, just like you budget the car payment.
  8. Make financial decisions together

    Marriage isa partnership. Business partners are accountable to their shareholders, board members, and sometimes grant or community funders. You and your spouse are partners in the business of your marriage. You each need to know where the money is coming from and how it is being spent or saved. You each get to be heard and have an equal voice. Partnership, remember?
  9. Don't gossip

    Don't tell marital secrets to your Mom, sister, friends, or coworkers. How would you like it if your partner talked about you to his family, friends or people at work? Keep your comments positive. You love the man. You will forget and forgive his annoying, temporary flaws. If you have to vent, tell a priest who is bound to secrecy. Or write it all down on a piece of paper and then burn it the next day. (Obviously, I'm not talking about a damaging secret like domestic violence, or drug or alcohol abuse. Those are situations you must not tolerate and that you have to share in order to get help).
  10. Children learn what they live

    Your daughter will expect the same behavior from her husband that she sees from her mother's spouse. Your son will treat his wife how your husband treats you. Model the behavior you want them to learn.
  11. Divide to conquer

    There are a multitude of tasks that must be completed every day, especially if you have kids. There are many ways to divide up the chores to ensure that everything gets done. Make sure the kids have chores, too. Remember, nobody likes a martyr and resentment builds contempt.
  12. Marriage is a team sport

    Sometimes you have to take one for the team, sometimes one team player is the star and the other is the back up or the supporting player. Teams work together so they can improve their strengths and abilities. Team members show up every day. They rely on one another. They cheer each other on. There is no I in team. You put the team first. If you have kids, you incorporate them into the team. Everybody works together for the common good. Go Team Family!
  13. Everything, good and bad, is just a phase

    That knowledge reminds you to enjoy the good times and enables you to survive the bad times.
  14. Cut each other some slack

    . Do the best you can and love one another in spite of, or sometimes because of, your frailties. Ask for help when you need it. Isn't that what partnership is all about?
  15. Talk with one another

    Talk about subjects other than household duties, the kids, or work. When you were dating and falling in love you each wanted to find out everything you could about one another. You thought your partner was interesting, funny, smart, insightful, and understanding. Guess what? He still might be. People change over time. They evolve. Their hopes and dreams and fears are formed by life experiences and lessons. Have you really listened in the past month to who he is now? You may fall in love all over again. Just don't start the conversation with the words men dread to hear, “We need to talk.”
  16. Don't pretend to be a mind reader

    The silent treatment never solves any problems and neither does jumping to conclusions. Open your mouth and ask if you think something is bothering your spouse. You may not like the answer, but at least you will know the issue. Chances are it is nothing to do with you. It might be something at work, or he's worried about his golf game, or whatever. Have courage and ask. Then you know what you have to deal with. If it isn't your problem, don't accept responsibility for it. You're both adults. Act like one.
  17. Speak rationally

    Do emotional outbursts really help situations? Here's the deal. You may forgive what someone has said that hurts you, but you never forget. There is no delete button. You can play those same words over and over again in your head for a lifetime and they will continue to give you grief and cause doubt. If you never hear them, you don't have anything to forgive or forget. A calm, rational discussion might actually resolve your issues.
  18. Be accountable

    You can't change your partner's behavior; you can only change your own. What you think, say, do and feel are up to you. This could be subtopic-give up control! You cannot control your spouse; you only control yourself. Do you like the person you choose to be? If not, only you can change you-and your spouse will have to deal with any behavioral changes you choose to make.
  19. Making love isn't enough

    Great sex can help bind you to one another. Sex can also help smooth over rough patches in a marriage. If sex is all that is keeping you together, you are in lust, not love. Your marriage is not going to work. Ask yourself this; if an accident, infirmity, medication or old age prevented us from having sex, would I still stay married? If the answer is no, you really need to get some professional counseling to determine if this marriage should be saved. Passion fades, love grows stronger.
  20. Remember the Bucket List

    If you had one month to live, how would you live it? Live in the present. Leave work at the office. Enjoy your time together. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, what is the most important thing in the world? Love. Loving and being loved. Isn't that why you got married in the first place?

译文: 幸福婚姻的二十个秘诀


共同欢笑
      租一部喜剧,看滑稽电视,一起欢笑。在你的计划中加入快乐的元素,要记住你们共同分享的快乐在以后会让你们更加紧密。
 
与亲家友好相处
      家庭是很重要的,夫妻双方是以家庭为基础的。你的伴侣从他的家庭中汲取价值观与道德观。把对方的家庭融入你生活中的一部分,这样你的人生将更为丰富。一定要努力做到这一点。我和我的爱人都很喜欢对方的家庭成员。喜欢他们中的大多数人,喜欢和他们度过的大部分时间,尽管保持距离,也能相处得很愉快。

计划两人世界的周末外出
      两人一起远离生活的小镇,在一家上好的饭店吃晚餐, 最好是一家提供预约服务的高级餐馆,能要求客人着装正式的那种。吃过饭后,你们可以去看一部电影,或者去剧院看戏,或者去泡吧。最后是两人世界中的精华部分,那就是去一家高级旅店休息。我说的够多了吗?

计划一次家庭度假
      花上一周或十天的时间和孩子们一起去探索未知的世界,做一些有趣的活动,我们会记起其实外面的世界真的很大,度假过后回到家处理起日常工作就会容易很多。计划一次旅行会让人精神放松,而旅行的过程也会给你新的期盼。为了旅行而省钱会让夫妻双方更加团结,共同创造属于你们的回忆吧。

一起玩耍
      找一些事是可以全家一起玩的。我们的孩子还小的时候,我们全家一起去野营,钓鱼,远足,游泳,下棋。现在我们全家的活动是滑雪和外出吃饭。一起嬉戏的家庭,心也是紧密相连的。

追求个人兴趣
      没有人可以为另一个人而活。我的爱人喜欢电脑游戏,喜欢看电视体育比赛,喜欢读有关历史的书。但我并不是这样的,我们是完全不同的两个人,有不同的喜恶,不同的兴趣,不同的朋友和不同的愿望。你需要有自己的内心世界,他也是。你们俩又不是连体婴,如果你们兴趣爱好不同的话,就会有很多话题,这样才能保持婚姻的新鲜感。

存一点“私房钱”
      每个人都需要有一点私房钱。你的曾曾祖母藏着卖鸡蛋攒下的钱可能也是一个道理。夫妻双方每个月都要把私房钱编入预算,就像你把汽车贷款算进去一样。

共同做经济上的决定
      婚姻是一种合伙。商场上的合伙人对他们的股东,董事会成员,有时还有提供他们资金的人负责。你和你的爱人是你们婚姻的合伙人。你们双方都必须知道钱是从哪儿来的,是怎么被花掉的或是怎么省下来的。夫妻双方都有权发言,是平等的。合伙,记住了吗?

不要多嘴
      不要把你婚姻中的秘密告诉你的妈妈,姐姐,朋友或同事。如果你的爱人把你的私事告诉他家里人,朋友或是同事的话,你会怎么想?记得对他的评价得是积极的。你爱这个男人,你会忘记他不好的地方,原谅他的一时过错。如果你一定要发泄,那就去告诉牧师,他一定会保守秘密的。或者你也可以写在一张纸上,然后第二天拿去烧掉。(当然,我这里说的并不包括家庭暴力,滥用毒品或酒精。这些情况是你绝对不应容忍的,你必须告诉别人以寻求帮助。)

孩子会学你们的样
      爸爸是什么样的,女儿以后就会认为她的另一半应该是什么样的。爸爸是如何对待妈妈的,儿子以后就会如何对待他的妻子。想要孩子学到什么样,你们就得树立什么样的榜样。

分割琐事,一件件做
      每天我们的生活中都有很多琐事会重复,特别是如果你有孩子的话。有很多方法可以用来分割这些琐事,以确保它们一件件都被做好。要记住孩子们也有自己的琐事,没有人会像殉道者一样无私,怨恨会带来轻视。

婚姻是一项团体运动
      有时团队中的一人会代替整支队伍,有时一个队员成为焦点,其他人要支持他。团队要一起行动,这样他们才能发挥长处和能力。这支队伍中的队员每天都要见面,他们互相依赖,互相鼓励。在这支队伍中不存在独立的“我”。你必须以这支队伍为上。如果你有孩子的话,你要把他们融入这支队伍中去。每个人都为了共同的事业而努力。“家庭”队加油!

任何好的和坏的都只是暂时的
      这点能提醒你,记得要享受美好的时光,遇到挫折要努力挺过去。

放彼此一马
      尽自己的全力做到最好,尽管有时你会软弱犯错,也要爱着对方。一旦需要帮助,告诉对方。这不也是合伙制里面的精髓吗?

互相交谈
      除了谈家庭责任,孩子或工作之外,谈谈别的话题。当你们在恋爱约会时,你们会想要挖掘对方的一切。那个时候你认为你的爱人是那么的有趣,搞笑,聪明,有见地,善解人意。你猜到了吗?其实他现在也一样。人们随着时间而改变,他们不断进化。随着人生阅历和教训的增加,人们的希望在变,梦想在变,连害怕的东西都在变。在过去的几个月里,你有没有真正去聆听过他现在是怎样的状态呢?也许你会重新回到恋爱的时候,只要你不要和他一开始谈话就让所有男人感到害怕。我们之间需要交谈。

不要假装自己会读心术
      沉默战术永远解决不了任何问题,直接归纳出结论也是如此。如果你觉得你的爱人有什么烦心事,那就开口问问他。也许你不会喜欢他给出的答案,但至少你知道了到底是什么问题。很有可能他的烦心事和你毫无关系,也许他正烦恼的是他工作上的事,或者他的高尔夫球赛,或是其他别的什么事。鼓起勇气去问问他,然后你就知道你改怎么做了。如果他烦恼的不是你,那就不要硬往自己身上揽责任了。你们俩都是成年人,要让他自己处理。

理性谈话
      情绪上的大爆发真的能帮助解决问题吗?让我们一起来看看,你也许会原谅别人说了伤害你的话,但你永远不会忘记这件事。我们的脑中不存在删除键。这些话语会在你的脑中不断重演,不断给你带来痛苦和质疑。如果你从来没听过这些话,你就没什么好去原谅或遗忘的了。一次平静的,理智的谈话也许真的可以解决你们的问题。

要承担责任
      你不能改变你的爱人;你所能做的只有改变自己。你所思所想,所说的话,所做的事,你的感受,这些都由你来决定。放弃你的控制欲!这句话可以成为副标题。你不能控制你的爱人;你只能控制好自己。你喜欢自己现在的样子吗?如果不喜欢,也只有自己改变自己了,而你的另一半只需适应你所做的举止上的改变就行了。

做爱是不够的
      美好的性爱会将夫妻双方联系更紧密,性爱也能弥补婚姻中的不愉快。但是如果是性让你们俩在一起,那么你们俩眷恋的是欲望,而不是爱,你们的婚姻是不正常的。问问你们自己,如果发生了一场事故,我们身体上的缺陷,或是使用了某种药物,或是年龄渐渐变大使得我们不再能享受性爱的话,我还会保持这段婚姻吗?如果回答是否定的,你就真的该去咨询一下专家,决定一下你是否改维持这段婚姻了。激情褪去之后,只有爱能长久。

记住这张表
      假如给你一个月,你会怎么活?活在当下。把工作丢在办公室里吧,一起享受美好的时光,在一天结束的时候,当该说的话都说完了,该做的事都做好了,这个世界上最重要的是什么呢?是爱。爱和被爱。这不就是你们最初结婚时的理由吗?