原文: The Biggest Parenting Mistakes: #2

Every day this week, I’ll be posting a different big "parenting mistake", so make sure to check back tomorrow!

MISTAKE #2. Not Using the Right Words the Right Way
Correct: Be mindful of the result you are seeking and your word choice to achieve it.

Research proves our word choice can have a big impact on kids' behaviors. Studies also show that the right words said at the right time are more effective in shaping behavior than rewards. The problem is too often we use the wrong words so we get the wrong results.

• Be specific and focus on the action (not kid). Catching kids doing the “right” thing is the fastest way to change behavior especially if you use an enthusiastic tone. It's the only way to teach a children what you want them to do, and the right words will help them discover how to improve his behavior. Using “because” makes praise more specific so the child knows exactly what you liked, and is more likely to repeat the action. Switching pronouns from “I” to “you” stretches a child's internal motivation. Instead of: “I'm so proud of you.” Say: “You should be so proud because….”
• Don't praise intelligence. A Columbia University study on more than 400 fifth-graders found that kids praised for their intelligence--something they don't feel they have control over-- are more afraid of failure, less likely to tackle new challenges and feel more pressure to perform. So comment on what they are trying to accomplish. Instead of: “You're so smart.” Say: “I like how hard you are concentrating.”
• Emphasize effort not result. A University of Michigan study found that parents often praise the end product (the trophy, grade, or score). By switching your emphasis on the process or child's effort during the task the child is likely to persist and succeed because he knows he has can control over the outcome of his success.

Michele Borba's 5 Biggest Parenting Mistakes:

1. Failing to Teach “Replacer” Behaviors
2. Not Using the Right Words the Right Way
3. Setting Unrealistic Expectations
4. Not Using the Rule of 21
5. Not Letting Kids Experience Failure

Come back tomorrow for the next "biggest parenting mistake"!

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译文: 最大的教育错误之二

      这个星期的每一天我都会记录一个不一样的教育上的错误，请大家在第二天核对一下自己有没有犯这个错误。

      错误2：没有用正确的方式说正确的话

      改正：更留心你所想表达的意思和你所选的词语。

      研究表明我们所选择的话对孩子的行为有很大的影响。同时研究也表明在适当的时候说适当话对于塑造孩子的行为比奖励要更有效。问题是大多数时候我们用了错误的词语因此才有了不好的结果。

      更加注意自己的行为（不是孩子的）。和孩子一起做正确的事情是最快的改变孩子的行为的方法，尤其当你使用一种很热情的语调去说的时候。只是你让孩子知道你想让他们做什么的唯一方法，而且 正确的话也会帮助他们发现如何改善他们的行为。用因为来更加具体的表扬孩子从而让孩子知道你确切喜欢的是什么，而且这样也更加容易去重复这个动作。把名词我改成你更能延长孩子本身的内在动力。你应该说“你应该为你做了什么而自豪”而不是“我因为有你而自豪”。

      不要表扬他们的智力。一个哥伦比亚大学的研究发现来自五个不同等级的超过400人都认为过多的表扬孩子的智力——他们认为不在自己的控制范围之内的东西——更容易导致失败，因为他们更加不敢去尝试新的挑战并且有着更大的压力。因此只要对他们如何努力去尝试做的事情作评价就好了。用“我很喜欢你这么努力的去做想做的事情”代替“你真聪明”。

      更加重视过程而不是结果。一个密歇根的大学研究发现父母更加倾向于表扬孩子的最终结果（奖品啊，等级啊，分数啊）。你不如吧注意力放在孩子们在过程中所附出的的努力，这样的话他们更能够继续坚持并且最终成功的完成因为他们成功的结果。