“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.”
- Tony Blair
How can you confidently respond when someone makes a request you’d prefer not to accommodate?
This article shares some ideas you can use to make sure you don’t find yourself doing something you’d very much prefer not to do.
The question has just been posed. Pause. Was your inclination to say yes, even though there’s a voice deep down saying “no.” Well, let’s raise the volume on that voice. What possible reasons could there be for saying no?
It’s beyond your means? It’s beyond your comfort level? You have no interest?
Identify all the reasons you have for saying “no.” Identify which stem from a lack of confidence, versus a sincere disinterest in fulfilling the request.
What would happen if you said yes? Perhaps:
You would be considered a teamplayer. It would make your boss happy. Your visibility with higher-ups would be improved.
It’s comes down to a simple cost/benefit really.
Would the discomfort involved in saying yes outweigh the benefits of possibly going along with the request?
Or, do the benefits outweigh your temporary discomforts?
the role of guilt
Saying “no” is hard for many of us and guilt often comes into play. Whether this guilt has its foundation in religion, a proper upbringing, or a worldview that simply says “it’s not nice to say no,” we often recognize it and make decisions we’d rather not be making, based upon it.
saying “no”
You’ve made the decision, after scientifically weighing the results of your cost/benefit analysis, do honestly say “NO”. Well, go ahead and say it clearly, and self-assuredly…in the mirror. Look yourself in the eye, and do it. Just say “NO.”
Say it like you really mean it, and then say it again as you would to whomever made the request of you. When you pretend you’re speaking to the person who made the request, does it come out differently? Practice and experiment with different ways to say “NO” until you find one you’re comfortable with. Then go, and say “NO.”
after you say “no”
If you’re used to giving in to others, then guess what? After all that practice, you may just be surprised to find that they are not willing to accept it! They may push, rephrase the question, or make a new, not altogether different, request.
Be prepared for this! Know your boundary — what ARE you willing to do? Revisit the questions you asked yourself before — what would happen if you said no, or yes? If you are serious about saying “NO” then stick to your guns.
Tell the individual making the request that you would appreciate it if they respected your wishes, and ask them to refrain from pursuing it further. If you are comfortable expressing your “reasons why” then do so speaking from your personal perspective.
tips on how to say your “no!”
1. The “Wet lettuce NO”
If you are going to say NO, you must say it in a way that means NO! Saying NO in a quiet, unassuming voice is like a hand shake that is floppy and limp.
By saying NO in a non confident manner it will make you feel as though you have got to convince the other person about your decision and the reasons why you have said it!
2. The “Mr Angry NO”
This is at the other end of the spectrum in how to say NO. It is done in an aggressive manner and usually said with contempt. It is not an effective way to communicate your NO.
Here are a couple of examples: “NO. I’m not doing that rubbish. You’ve got to be joking aren’t you.” And: “NO. I wouldn’t lower myself to do that piece of work”
3. The assertive NO
This is the best way to say NO! In a firm, yet polite voice say: “No. I will not be able to do that for you”
Also, if you want to say the reasons why, keep it short and sweet: “No. I will not be able to do that for you. I will be having my hair done at that time”
4. Use effective body language
When saying NO remember the power of non-verbal communications: Look the person in the eye when you say the NO; shake your head at the same time as saying NO; stand up tall; use a firm tone in your voice.
5. When all is said and done
Don’t forget that when anyone asks a question of you, you are perfectly OK to say, “Can I think about that and get back to you?”
No-one should be pressurized into giving an immediate answer, even if the delay is only a couple of minutes. It will give you some time to think it through and to gather your thoughts.
It will also give you some time to think about how you are going to say it, the words to use and your body language.
saying “no” exercise
Practice makes perfect as they say! What I would like you to do for the next 7 days is to start to say NO more often.
So whether it is the double glazing salesman, the cold call, “Would you like fries with that” or the shop assistant — practice saying NO to one person for at least the next 7 days.
You will be an expert come the end of the week!
what will happen
You will feel much more confident and proud. You will find that practice makes perfect — the more you confidently say “NO” the easier it becomes. Others will respect your wishes and take you seriously the first time you say “NO.” You won’t find yourself doing things you never wanted to do in the first place. You’ll have more time to focus on the things you do want to be involved in. The list goes on from there…
译文:
如何说“不”并向对方传达你有拒绝之意
“领导的艺术是拒绝妥协，不是回答是，因为回答是太容易了。”
——托尼.布莱尔
当某人提出一个请求而你又不太愿意的时候，你该如何确信地做出回答呢？
这篇文章将会教你一些方法，让你避免去做一些你不情愿做的事情。
当有人刚向你提了个请求，你会先犹豫一下。尽管你在内心里说“不！”，但你往往还是会回答“好的。”那么就让我们把内心的想法大声说出来吧。我们想要拒绝别人的原因会有哪些呢？
是因为你束手无策吗？
还是因为你感到为难呢？
或者是因为你根本没有兴趣呢？
弄清楚你拒绝别人的所有原因。弄清楚这些原因到底是因为你缺乏自信呢，还是你真的没有兴趣答应别人的请求。
如果你答应了别人的请求，那么会发生什么事情呢？也许会出现以下几种情形：
别人会认为你是个愿意配合他人工作的人。
你的老板会因此而高兴。
你在上级面前会有更多表现的机会。
这个问题将归结为你会从中得到回报还是承担损失。
如果你答应了别人的请求，那么它带给你不方便的程度会不会超过你从中可能获得的回报呢？
又或者是这种回报足以抵消它带给你的不便之处呢？
愧疚感的作用
拒绝别人对于我们许多人而言是一件很困难的事情，因为愧疚感常常伴随而来，并在内心发生作用。不论这种愧疚感是基于宗教信仰、良好的教养，还是出于“拒绝别人不太好”的普遍观念，我们常常会意识到它的存在，并且基于这种愧疚感而做一些我们根本不愿意做的决定。
说“不”
经过科学地分析、权衡了你的损失和回报之后，你便做出了决定，诚实地说出“不”。那么，行动吧！清楚地说出“不”这个字，站在镜子面前，自信地说出来。看着你自己的眼睛，说出来。只须要说“不”。
说“不”，就好象你真的是这样想的，然后，对任何向你提出请求的人再一次说出这个字。当你假装在和向你提出请求的人说话的时候，结果会有所不同吗？用不同的方法尝试和练习说“不”，直到你找到一个让你感到最轻松自在的方法。然后，去吧，说出“不”这个字。
说出“不”之后
如果你习惯于向别人让步，然后会怎么样呢？经过所有的练习之后，你可能会惊异地发现他们并不愿意接受你说的“不”。他们会进一步提问，改变措辞、提出请求，或是提出一个新的、但不是完全不同的请求。
对此，你要有所准备！你要知道自己的底线在哪里，也就是说，你到底愿意做的是什么。当别人再次请求你时，你要先问一下自己，如果你答应他/她，会发生什么；如果你拒绝他/她，又会发生什么。如果你当真要说“不”，那么就坚持到底。
告诉请求者，如果他/她能够尊重你的意愿，你会对他/她深表感谢，并且让他/她不要再继续提出请求了。如果你愿意告诉他/她你拒绝的理由的话，那么就从你自身的角度告诉他/她吧。
说“不”的诀窍
1. 委婉地说出“不”
如果你意欲说“不”，那么你就必须表达出你有拒绝的意思！平静地、不装腔作势地说出“不”，就像握着松软、无力的手一样。
不自信地说出“不”字会让你感到好象是你一定要让对方相信你所做的决定，以及你决定拒绝对方的理由。
2. 生气地说出“不”
这是说出“不”字的另一种极端的方式，即以一种强势的态度拒绝别人，通常带有一丝轻蔑的口吻。但是，如果你要向对方传达你有拒绝之意，这并不是一种有效的方法。
这里有几个例子，比如：有人会说：“不，我才不会做那种无聊的事情。你一定是在开玩笑，对吧！”或者也有人会说：“不，我不会贬低身价去做那种芝麻绿豆的小事。”
3. 肯定地说出“不”
这是拒绝别人最好的方法！带着一种坚定而不失礼貌的口吻说出：“不，我帮不了你。”
又或者，如果你想要说出理由，那么就简洁委婉地说：“不，我帮不了你。因为那个时候我要理发。”
4. 运用有效的肢体语言
当你拒绝别人的时候，记住非语言的沟通方式也是很有效的，比如：拒绝别人的时候要看着对方的眼睛；说出“不”的时候同时要摇头；要站起来说；要用一种坚定的口吻说。
5. 当上述方法都使用之后
请不要忘记，当别人向你提出请求时，你还可以说：“能不能让我考虑一下再回复你？”
任何人都不应该被迫马上做出回答，即便是考虑几分钟也不一定能做出回答。要给予一定的时间，彻底地想清楚，整理出思绪。
同时也要给予一定的时间去思考如何拒绝、如何措辞以及如何运用肢体语言。
练习说“不”
正如他们所说的，熟能生巧！在接下来的7天，我要你做的就是开始更频繁地说“不”。
所以，不论请求者是一个会冷不防地打电话给你，问“你要不要双层玻璃窗，我们会免费赠送炸薯条？”的双层玻璃窗推销员，还是一个售货员，你都必须练习对他们说“不”，这种练习至少要经过7天以上。
7天之后，你将会成为一个拒绝高手。
之后又会发生什么呢？
你会感到更自信、更自豪。
你会发现熟能生巧，你越是自信地说出“不”，它就会变得更容易。
别人会尊重你的意愿，并且当你说出第一个“不”字时，就会认真地对待你的回答。
你第一次发现你不再去做那些你过去一直不愿意做的事情。
你有更多的时间去做你想做的事情。
例子不胜枚举......