Mulla Nasruddin had invited a self-important but famous scholar to his house for a meal. When the scholar arrived at Mulla’s house, he knocked and knocked, but there was no answer – Mulla had forgotten about the appointment.
The scholar looked through the windows, but there was no one at home, and he got angrier and angrier. How dare he keep ME waiting?, he thought. In a fit of fury, he took a brush and inscribed, as largely as he could, the word “IDIOT!” on Mulla’s door. Then he threw the brush down and left in a huff.
Nasruddin returned home not long after and saw what the scholar had left for him. Immediately he began running after the scholar.
I am so sorry! I am so sorry! he yelled. I had completely forgotten; I only remembered when I saw that you had left your name on my door!
Setting Boundaries
This post is a follow-up to the Personal Boundaries series. The first two were quite broad; this post goes in slightly more depth. How do we deal with the various intrusions on our boundaries?
You can find the first two parts here:
Understanding Human Nature
Mulla Nasruddin is one of my favourite characters; his childish persona conceals much wisdom. And he demonstrated one vital point in that story:
When someone abuses you, perhaps, just perhaps – the problem does not lie with you, it lies with them!
If someone is harsh and critical, there are so many possibilities. Why make it into a problem with you? Perhaps they were just tired; going through a difficult period in their lives. They might be looking at a negative stereotype, a caricature in their head and not who you really are – why take their words to heart?
Perhaps you just happened to be in the way of their pain. Their anger had to be let loose, and if you weren’t there, they would have done the same thing to someone else. Realise this deeply, carry it in your heart when you walk the world. By and by you will become immune to the barbs and wires of such men and women.
Does the Problem Lie With Us?
However, the opposite can sometimes be true – is that person really violating our boundaries, or are we over-reacting? Just as a critic can react harshly to an innocent comment, so can we. Perhaps we have genuinely made a mistake, and they have every right to be angry. How do we know where the problem lies?
It is important to realise we never see the world as it is. Our emotional state, our physiological state – perhaps even the movie we saw last night – and countless other factors constantly influence the way we see the world. If I was in a good mood, for example, I might ignore a driver who cuts me off on the highway. What if I haven’t slept in days, or if I just had an argument with my best friend? The same driver, the same action – a very different reaction.
Similarly, core issues also influence the way we see things. I once knew a girl who suffered from abandonment issues – she feared being left alone more than anything else. One day she called me up in a panic. She had come back from a holiday and her boyfriend was twenty minutes late to pick her up from the airport – and she automatically assumed he didn’t want her anymore. The more logical explanation was also the real reason – he was stuck in traffic.
A Rational View
With this in mind, then, the first step is obvious – get a rational, realistic perception of the situation. Who is truly at fault? Do you need to make amends? Are they truly attacking you, or are your emotions colouring your perception? What actions do you need to take?
Study the list of cognitive distortions – watch for them – both on your part, and theirs!
Further Reading: Knowing and Mastering Your Thoughts with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Our Reaction
The next thing is to consider our reaction. There will be many times where we simply have to protect ourselves, or defuse the situation so nobody gets hurt. Very often – when there is a threat of physical violence, perhaps – the best thing to do is to simply remove yourself and cut off all contact.
But attacks can come in such subtle ways – snide verbal attacks and backhanded compliments on your character, your value, your worth. How does one react? It is beneficial to first know how one is not to respond.
The Wrong Responses
These responses can be broadly categorised into aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive.
Aggressive responses:
Aggression might feel good for a while, and it might even seem effective because some people will retreat. But – and this is common knowledge! – aggression breeds aggression. Others will cut themselves off from you; yet others will retaliate, and all you end up with is more pain.
We have to realise that sarcasm is also a form of aggression, the disguised attack of a coward. Yet this is a very natural tendency, and one has to be on the alert for it in all its various forms. I know enough not to raise my voice in anger when I am under attack, but if I meet someone who is snide, cocky – my natural urge is to cut them down in a similar fashion.
Defensiveness is in the gray zone between aggression and passiveness. It is still reactivity, trying to brush off the attack, pretending it doesn’t hurt, or awkwardly changing the topic. Naturally, it is important to note defensiveness is different from protection – protection should always be a priority.
Passive responses:
The second unskilful response is passiveness, a form of surrender. You remain silent, or you apologise, and agree with their judgement of you. This might work temporarily, for it can be a good way of stopping a critic in their tracks. The anguish, of course, comes afterwards. The wound remains, bleeding long after the conflict is over.
As we discussed in the previous post of the series, however, a passive response can also come from someone who has dropped their boundaries – but theirs is a quietness born of strength, not of weakness. Until one has reached that level, passiveness is a destroyer of self-esteem.
Passive-Aggressive responses:
The last response is a curious mix of the first two. On the surface, it looks like surrender, and yet the aggression remains, disguised in various ways. When I was in university, for example, I was once pressured into doing a friend’s homework for her. I didn’t want to do it, for I was tired and stressed. But I could not stand up for myself – I was afraid she would not like me – and I grumbled and complained under my breath as I did it. Even worse, I did a lousy job on purpose, knowing that she will fail. So what? I reasoned. It wasn’t my fault.
Such pettiness and cowardice! In many ways this is the worst of the responses. My self-esteem was already suffering from the initial surrender, the meek yes response; and it took another blow when I realised how cowardly my counter-attack had been.
A Naturally Mature Response
All ineffective responses reveal something very strange, something deeper – you secretly agree with them! If your skin is whole, and someone scatters salt on your arm, there will be no pain. It is the same with verbal barbs and stings – a tall man can only laugh when someone calls him a midget. Where does the anger or surrender come from? He will instinctively know the fault lies with the critic, not him.
Salt can only hurt us if it reaches a cut in our skin; an insult can only sting if there is already pain in our heart. If someone was to call you hideous, worthless – would there be anger? Only if we hide a deep insecurity. Our true work, then, is to build our self-worth, to heal our wounds and our false images of unworthiness so that they no longer bleed.
A mature, effective boundary comes naturally when the metamorphosis is complete; when the butterfly has blossomed. Until then, the best we can do is a practiced, reasoned response.
Honest and Direct
The key to a mature response is honest, straightforward communication – making sure there is neither defensiveness, nor aggression. They might have made a mistake; but they are not the mistake – they do not deserve to get attacked. Correct the person, telling him or her how you wish to be treated, and state what you are or are not willing to do.
While it would be impossible to cover all scenarios, I’ve found three general guidelines to be tremendously helpful:
- Honesty
- Directness
- Self-Protection and Care
An Example
A few years back, I used to work with a woman who was very rude and condescending. My tendency then was to respond in kind. She will disguise an insult as a compliment, and I would do the same. This went on for a few meetings, until I realised that I was being aggressive because I had secretly agreed with her, a sign of my low self-esteem. One day, we were at another meeting, and she began her attacks again.
I decided to simply be direct and state what we were both doing, and to honestly admit that we were both wrong. Lastly, I made sure that I was taking care of myself, and perhaps her, with the response.
“We have both been very childish,” I said. “Let’s stop insulting each other, and concentrate on the task at hand. It will make our interaction much more pleasant, and we will both get the job done in much less time.”
She was so surprised she became quiet and we finished the meeting in peace. Naturally, how polite or firm I am will differ according to the situation, and that statement might not have been the best – but it was the best I could think of on the spot.
There is another benefit to directness and honesty – just as our perceptions are clouded, so too, are theirs. They might think they are being powerful or assertive, when they are just being obnoxious and childish.
Stronger Insults
I have found these three guidelines enough for most difficult people. But there will always be some who are much more difficult or extremely self-centred. Again, the urge is to fall back to the ineffective response styles, but it is doubly important to resist the urge.
I’ve found that a good option is to state a consequence of their continued attacks. Again, this is not to threaten, or hurt – that would be falling back into aggression. Sometimes, you would have to decrease contact or simply end the relationship, refuse to give them what they want, or make a report to the authorities.
It is important to be ready to enforce the consequences. This is another reason for honesty – we cannot bluff or threaten aggressive consequences like violence.
Holding your ground in a firm but non aggressive way is challenging, but it will be an incredible learning experience. It is likely that readers will have a better tips and guidelines for such situations; I would love it if you shared them in the comments.
Further Reading: More Assertiveness and Self-Respect
Link Love
A special link love today, to a genuinely great and knowledgeable guy, and also a thank you for being a sponsor.
Tim Brownson is a UK born Life Coach and NLP Master Practitioner now living in Orlando, Florida. He coaches people one-to-one either face-to-face or via the telephone. Read his blog at A Daring Adventure.
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译文:
如何应对批评：个人界限，第三部分
Mulla Nasruddin邀请了一位高傲而又出名的学者来家里就餐。当这位学者来到Mulla的家时，他敲了敲门，屋里却没有声音——Mulla忘记了这个约定。
学者从窗里望去，发现没有人在屋里。于是他越来越生气，他想：他怎么敢让我过来吃闭门羹？怒火中烧中，学者拿起一把刷子在Mulla家的门上写了“白痴”这2个大字。然后他扔下刷子，怒气冲冲地离开了。
不久后Mulla回到家，看到了学者留给他的大字。他赶紧去追学者。
我很抱歉！真的很抱歉!我完全把这事给忘了；看到门上您留下的名字，我才想起来！
设置界限
本文是个人界限系列的续篇。前两篇文章涉及面很广；比较而言，本文更为深入。我们该如何应对对个人界限的各种侵扰？
你可以在这里找到前两篇文章：
了解人的本性
Mulla是我最喜欢的人物之一；他孩子般的个性体现了无穷的智慧。而且在这个故事中他向我们证明了很重要的一点:
如果有人冒犯了你，也许，只是也许——问题并不在于你，而在于他们！
如果一个人严厉而苛刻，其中的原因有很多。为何要把这归结为你的问题呢？也许只是因为他们太累了；正处在生活的低潮期。也许他们针对的只是脑海中的反面典型，一个讽刺的人物，而并不在乎你是谁——为何要把他们的话当回事呢？
也许你正巧出现在他们很痛苦的时候。他们需要发泄怒火，要不是你在那儿，他们也会对别人做出同样的事情。要透彻地领悟到这一点，在你窗荡世界时铭记于心。渐渐地你就会对那些男男女女的污言秽语产生免疫力了。
问题在于我们吗？
然而，有时候事情的反面才是真相。真的是那个人侵犯了我们的界限吗？还是我们反应过激了呢？正如一个评论家可能莫名其妙地对一条评论十分苛刻，我们也会做类似的事情。也许真的是我们犯了错误，而他们则有一千个理由发火。我们如何判断问题究竟出在哪儿呢？
要知道，我们眼中的世界和实际的并不相同，这一点很重要。我们的感情和生理状态——甚至只是昨晚看的一部电影——还有其他不计其数的因素都在不断地影响着我们看世界的方式。如果我心情不错，比如说，我可能并不计较出租车司机把我甩在公路边。但如果这种情况发生在我连续几天未能入眠，或者正和最好的朋友闹矛盾的当口呢？同一个司机，同样的行为——会招来完全不同的反应。
同样，核心话题也影响着我们看事情的方式。我认识一个女孩，总受“遗弃话题”的困扰——她害怕落单胜过害怕其他任何事。有一天她打电话给我，一片恐慌。她刚度完假归来，男朋友去机场接她却迟到了20分钟——这就让她不由自主地以为男朋友再也不要她了。而更具逻辑的解释同时也是真正的原因——他被堵在路上了。
理智的视角
把这一点铭记于心，第一步很明显——理智而现实地洞察当时的情形。错究竟在谁？你需要对自己的行为作出修正吗？是他们真的侵犯了你，还是感情因素影响了你的认知？你需要做什么呢？
研究下认知扭曲的列单——观察它们的各种情形——从你自己的角度，也从别人的角度来看！
深入阅读：通过认知行为疗法理解并掌握你的思想
我们的反应
接下来要考虑的就是我们的反应。有很多次我们不得不保护自己，或者缓解纷争以免有人受到伤害。通常——当遭到暴力冲突的威胁时——最好的方法就是简单地离开，与之阻断所有的接触。
但侵犯也可能不知不觉地悄悄潜入——言语上的冷嘲热讽，背地里对你的个性，价值的评论。对此应当作何反应呢？首先要知道怎样的反应是不可取的，这是很有益的。
错误的反应
这些反应可以粗略地分为好斗的，消极被动的，消极好斗的。
好斗的反应：
好斗的个性会使你在一段时间内感觉良好，而且可能看起来很有用，因为一些人会因此而退却。然而——这是常识！——好斗是激将而生的。别人会因此而疏远你；也有人会报复你，最终一切只能以伤痛收场。
我们必须知道讽刺也是好斗的表现之一，它是懦夫对他人暗暗的侵犯。而且这还是非常自然的倾向，每个人都不得不对讽刺的各种表现形式时刻警惕。我非常清楚在受到侵犯时不要怒气冲冲地提高嗓门，但一旦遇上偏好讥讽又自大的人——我会自然而然地以同样的方式予以回敬。
防卫的表现介于好斗和消极之间的灰色地带。这仍然是一种反应，试图撇开侵犯，假装它没有伤害或者笨拙地转换话题。自然地，注意区分防卫和保护很重要——保护总是应优先采取的措施。
消极被动的反应：
第二重缺乏技巧的反应就是被动消极，这是投降的表现。你保持沉默或者道歉，同意别人队你的评价。这或许暂时有效，因为从遏制他人的批评的角度来讲，这是一个很好的方法。当然，随之而来的则是痛苦。伤口依然存在，在冲突结束良久之后依然淌着鲜血。
不过，正如我们在这一系列的前量篇文章中讨论过的那样，消极的反应有时也来自于撤掉自己界限的人——但他们的表现是由力量而生的平静，并不是懦弱。除这种情况以外，所有的消极反应都是在伤害自尊。
消极好斗的反应：
最后一种反应是前两种的混合体，令人很好奇。表面看来，它看似屈服，然而好斗的因素依然存在，以各种方式潜藏着。举例说，上大学的时候，我曾被迫为一个朋友做作业。这是我很不情愿的事，因为当时我很疲惫，压力重重。但我无法表达自己的真实想法——害怕她会因此而不喜欢我——于是在为她做作业时我暗暗地发着牢骚。更糟糕的是，我故意做得一团糟，让她不合格。可是这又怎么样呢？我已经解释了原因。这并不是我的错。
如此琐碎而怯懦！从多方面来看，这都是最坏的一种反应。我的自尊已经首先屈服，唯唯诺诺地作出“是”的回答；当我意识到我的还击是多么的懦弱时，我又受到了一重打击。
一种自然成熟的反应
所有无用的反应都体现出一些奇怪而更深层的东西——其实你悄悄地赞同着别人对你的侵犯！如果你的皮肤没有破损，那么有人在你的手臂上撒上一把盐，你也不会感觉痛。对于言语上的讥讽，也是同样的道理——高个子被别人叫做侏儒时，他只会大笑。怒气和屈服从何而来？他本能地知道错在于评论本身，而不在他。
盐只有在触及我们皮肤上的伤口时才会灼痛我们；侮辱只有在我们的心里有伤口时才会刺痛我们。如果有人说你不可理喻，一文不值——那会使你愤怒吗？只有在内心深处倍感不安时，我们才会感到愤怒。我们真正要做的是实现自身价值，治愈自己的伤口，杜绝妄自菲薄，这样这些伤口再也不会淌血了。
当我们成功完成了蜕变之后，一条成熟而有效的界限会自然而然地建立起来；正如蝴蝶脱蛹而出。在那之前，最好的办法就是作出务实的，有理有据的回应。
诚实而直接
要练就成熟的回应，关键是诚实而坦率的交流——保证没有防卫和好斗的情绪。这些人也许犯了错误；但他们本身并不是错误——反过来去侵犯他们是不值得的。纠正他们的错误，告诉他或她你希望被如何对待，什么事是你愿意或不愿意去做的。
关于这个话题一言难尽，我发现了三条非常有用的基本准则：
一个事例
几年前，我和一个非常粗鲁且居高临下的女人共事。我对她的回应就是以牙还牙。她总是绵里藏针地恭维别人，而我也会予以回敬。几次开会的过程中都发生了类似的状况，直到我意识到我是如此好斗，因为我已不知不觉地同意了她的观点，很明显，我没有很强的自尊心。有一天，我们又在开会，她又开始了“攻击”。
我决定就直截了当地点明我们都在做着怎样的一件蠢事，并且坦诚地承认我们都错了。还有，我要保证这样的回应保护了我自己，或许也保护了她。
“我们都太孩子气了，”我说。“让我们停止互相侮辱，将精力集中在手头的工作上吧。这将使我们之间的合作更加愉快，而且我们都将更快地完成工作。”
她非常吃惊，变得很安静，我们在一片安宁中结束了会议。自然地，根据场合的不同，我的客气和坚定程度也是不同的，那一番话也许并不是说得最好的，但却是当时我能想到的最好的了。
直接而坦诚还有另一个好处——我们的认知被蒙蔽了，同样，他们的也是。他们也许认为自己是坚定有力的，实则令人厌恶且孩子气。
更不堪的侮辱
我发现这三条基本准则对大多数难对付的人来说都足够有用。然而也总有个别人非常棘手或者极端以自我为中心。再一次，这会促使我们重新拾起那些无用的回应，但是毫无疑问，一定要杜绝它们，这很重要。
我发现一个很好的选择就是向这些人阐明如果他们继续进行侵犯的话，会有什么后果。再次强调，这不是去威胁别人，或者伤害别人——那样的话就又回到好斗的表现。有时，你不得不减少与他们的接触或者就干脆断绝与他们的关系，拒绝满足他们的要求，或者向有关权威汇报情况。
要准备好兑现你所承诺的后果，这很重要。这也是坦诚的另一个原因——我们不能虚张声势或者以挑衅的暴力后果相威胁。
坚定你的立场但不带有挑衅情绪，这是一个挑战，但这也将是一次惊人的学习经历。很可能读者们会有更好的方法和准则来应对这样的状况；如果你们能在评论中惊醒分享，我会很高兴。
深入阅读：更加自信，更加自重
致谢
在此要特别感谢一个人，他名副其实的出彩，博学，同时也要感谢您支持我们。
Tim Brown是来自英国的生活教练，同时也是拥有神经语法程式学硕士学位的医生，现居住于佛罗里达州的奥兰多。他通过面对面或者电话交流的方式一对一地对顾客进行辅导。阅读他的博客一次大胆的冒险。