I came across an excellent post on communication, Stop Talking and Start Communicating - which is also a great title. It’s main point is that many people talk “at you, over you and around you - in your general direction” rather than with you.
Some of my posts on communication have been slightly apologetic in suggesting we look at improving something we do automatically - such as breathing. But, as the post author Craig Harper points out:-
“Without doubt, communication is the single most important life skill, yet amazingly, the majority of us don’t consciously work at developing it. Better communication equals better relationships, and better relationships equal a better life. So why wouldn’t we work at it?”
Working at talking with someone, rather than at them, should be a priority for us all. It means being able to adapt what you want to say, and the language you are using, to the particular audience. But moreover it means taking interest in the other person, rather than concentrating on getting your point over.
When we lack confidence, the easiest habit is to get engrossed in thinking about we are going to say next. In a meeting, you compose or rehearse your next point rather than listening to the current speaker. Meeting new people, you focus on creating a good impression with what you are saying, rather than taking genuine interest in them and listening to what they have to say.
To make a friend, be a friend
I don’t know who wrote this, but I couldn’t agree more. Over the years I have met several people who have had great problems making, and keeping friends. Whenever they meet someone, they’ve tended to talk about themselves - often moaning and groaning about their problems. If you meet someone like that, you take the first chance to escape.
Craig suggests going further than showing interest, but actually caring about what the person you are trying to communicate with has to say:-
“Caring about what they think, feel, want, need, believe. If people sense that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say, you will create instant rapport and connection. You don’t need to ‘love’ or even agree with them, just respectfully consider their perspective.”
This is so important. In theory, its also so easy. Showing interest and caring about what someone is saying doesn’t cost anything. It doesn’t demand any particular physical attributes or abilities we don’t already have. And as a skill to learn, or as a habit to change, its simpler than many other things we have done in our lives. We just stop the main focus being on ourselves.
As an introvert, I’ll be the first to say that making a lot of noise and talking incessantly doesn’t make people listen to you. If you spend that time listening to others, when you do speak you are more likely to have something relevant to say.
I used to worry about getting myself heard in meetings, rehearsing a possible intervention rather than listening (as in the example above). But learning to listen and be genuinely interested keeps me in the “flow” of a meeting, and able to talk with authority when the time comes. It also helps me to keep awake sometimes!
Apart from building your confidence and improving your communication skills, if you take on board and start practicing this advice, it should be a more enjoyable experience. Life is very boring if the only person you care about is you.
译文:
改善交流
我看到一篇很不错的关于交流的帖子， 停止谈话，开始交流 ——其题目就用了一个大标题。文章主要观点是说，很多人通常不是与你讲话，而是对你讲，向你讲，在你周围讲或是朝你的大致方向讲。
我一些关于交流的帖子曾经指出，我们总是注重改善那些我们自然去做的事情，比如 呼吸 。但是，哈珀 克雷格在他的帖子中指出，
“毫无疑问，交流是生活中最为重要的技巧，然而，令人惊讶的是，我们中的大部分人并没有下意识致力于提高交流的技能。良好的沟通等于良好的人际关系，良好的人及关系等于更好的生活。所以，我们何不致力于提高沟通技能？”
我们应该更加致力于与人交谈，而不是对人说话。也就是说，对于特定的听众，要会调整你想要说的以及所使用的语言。此外，他还意味着注意到他人的兴趣，而不是关注你自己的要点。
当我们没有自信的时候，最简单的习惯就是让自己全神贯注的去考虑我们接着要说什么。在一个会议中，你需要的是准备并叙述你下一个要点而不是倾听现在的演讲者。遇到新来的人时，你需要注重你所说的是否能带来好的印象，而不是注意他们真正的兴趣以及倾听那些他们不得不说的。
结交朋友，成为朋友
我不知道这话是谁写的，但是我非常赞同这个说法。在过去的几年里，我碰到了很多在结交朋友以及保持朋友关系上存在问题的人。无论何时当他们遇到别人，都会说及他们自己——经常是抱怨，叹息他们所遇到的问题。如果你遇到这样的人，想必你会第一时间逃跑吧。
克雷格建议应该深入沟通而不是仅仅表现出兴趣，并且真正地注意到那个你试图交流的人想到说的：
“关注他们所想的，所感觉的，所希望的，所需要的，所相信的。如果人们感觉到你真正对他们所说的感兴趣，你便能建立起持续的沟通与联系。你不需要‘喜欢’甚至赞同他们的观点，只要以尊重的态度考虑他们的想法。”
这一点很重要。理论上来说，他也十分简单。表现出兴趣以及关注他人所说的不需要花费任何东西。你不需要一些特定的你原本不具备的身体素质或是能力。作为一个需要学习的技能，或者一个需要改变的习惯，他比仍和我们所做的事情都简单。我们要做的只是不要那么关注于我们自己。
作为一个性格内向的人，我认为不停发出声音，不间断地和人说话并不能让人一直听你说。如果你在你说的时候，用一部分时间听别人说，你更可能说及一些相关的内容。
我曾经担心，在会议上别人是否会听我的演讲，担心如何适时地安排听众插入而不只是倾听（正如之前例子中所说的）
但是学会去倾听并且真正地对其感兴趣让我的演讲十分顺利，让我在演讲的时候更有权威性地与听众交流。倾听有时也让我时刻保持清醒。
除了建立其你的自信以及提高你的沟通能力，如果你还能将这些建议付诸于实践，那会是一番非常有益的经验。如果你所关心的只是你自己，那么生活会十分无趣。