On Tuesday, I showered. I blow-dried my hair, put on clothes not made of fabric intended for yoga or sleeping, stepped into responsible looking heels, and went to a job interview. And I was not ready.
On Tuesday, I was still having a hard time with basic life functions, like say, eating. I showed up to that interview having ingested nothing but dark chocolate M&Ms and Diet Pepsi for two full days. Jittery and constantly on the verge of tears. I was still crying when I fell asleep and crying when I woke up, and crying at many inconvenient intervals between. Like at intersections if the light took too long to change, while pumping gas at the Shell station, or in line at the bank. In New York, no one would have noticed. Here, they ask if I'm okay. "Allergies," I say. Because everyone here has allergies.
Waking up is the biggest kick in the pants. I know I should be getting over this, but you know, I really, really liked having my first thought in the morning be of something nice - of someone nice. The someone who made himself a keeper the night he drove 30 miles to bring me flowers and kiss me good night. What man drives 30 miles for one kiss? Now I wake up, eyes sore, mourning possibility, feeling like a horrible mistake has been made. Missing him.
On Tuesday, I patted my eyes with goo from my make-up bag that promised to soothe and diminish puffiness, then spackled them with concealer, and prepared myself to be fabulous. But I wasn't fabulous. I was barely passable. And I didn't get the job. It wasn't the job I wanted, but all the same, when I got the thanks-but-no-thanks email this evening, I sank just a little bit lower into the couch and wondered how long a person can feel absolutely miserable before shit really starts to fall apart.
It's Thursday and I haven't showered. I cried when I woke up, I'll probably cry when I go to sleep, and I cried while I was waiting to have my oil changed at the dealership this morning. I have, however managed three square non-chocolate meals. I think that's a start.
译文:
未准备好
星期二，我冲了个凉。吹干了头发，套上衣服——不是练瑜珈或睡觉的那种柔软的布质，穿上看起来很正式的高跟鞋，然后去面试一份工作。但我还是没有准备好。
星期二，我仍然为吃饭之类的生活琐事而痛苦着。整整两天，我只吃了两块M&Ms黑巧克力和一点百事可乐，然后就冲好凉去面试。我总是忍不住想哭。每天睡觉时和醒来时我会哭，在不顺利的时候也会哭。比如在红绿灯路口等太久，在油站加油或银行排队的时候我都会哭。在纽约这个大都市，没人会注意到我这些。当这里有人问我好不好时，我会说：“很烦！”因为这里每个都会烦。
醒过来是最大的痛苦。我知道我应该克服这些，但是我真的真的希望在天亮时首先想到的是件美好的事。比如有个人驱车30里为了送我一束花和跟我说声晚安而甘作深夜守望者。但是什么人会驱车30里只为了向我道声晚安呢？现在我醒过来了，双眼刺痛，深切地悲哀着，感觉犯了个可怕的错误。要是有那样一个人多好啊。
星期二，我用化妆袋里的粉扑轻拍我的眼睛，平静一下情绪，消除一点浮肿，然后抹上眼影粉，想像自己就是童话里的公主。可是我不是公主，我的相貌只能说勉强及格。最终我没能得到这份工作。这并不是我想要的工作，但晚上收到那封假假的感谢信时，我仍然很失望。将自己更深地埋入床垫中，我在想一个人在彻底崩溃前到底能忍受多长时间的悲惨痛苦。
星期四，我没有冲凉。醒过来时我又哭了，晚上睡觉时我可能还会哭。早上我在等代理商帮我汽车换油时
也哭了。但是我准备了三顿饱饭，不再是巧克力了。我想这会是个新的开始。