Sharon writes in:
I created a debt repayment plan just as you suggested, but I had one real problem. I borrowed $1,000 from my mother with no interest, which would mean it should be the last debt I repay on that plan, but every time I see my mother, I feel guilty knowing I’m repaying another debt first. Should I talk to her about it? What should I do?
My belief is this: unless you have a very clear and explicit understanding with a friend or family member that you’ve borrowed money from, repaying that person should be the highest priority of all of your debts.
Most of the time, that doesn’t make sense on paper. Quite often, loans from family members are interest free, which means that you’re money ahead by paying off those debts last, only after getting rid of all other debts.
But the nuances of life aren’t always reflected on paper.
When you borrow money from a family member, you’re borrowing more than just money. You’re also borrowing against the trust and understanding that you’ve built up in that relationship over time. By turning your friend or family member into a lender and transforming yourself into a borrower, you put a new dynamic into that relationship, one that is bound to strain it over time whether you see it or not.
That relationship is a valuable one. If you have a relationship with someone that’s filled with enough trust that the person is willing to lend you money so flexibly, that’s a relationship you need to keep strong because it will provide value to you throughout your life in many, many ways.
Their choice to lend money to you wasn’t a business decision, calculated based on your credit. It’s based on the strength of your relationship. Thus, you should always repay such loans in good faith and in reasonable time.
Sometimes, though, it’s not that easy.
If you can’t repay the person right now, let them know. The worst thing you can do if you’ve borrowed money from someone is to give them the impression that you’ve forgotten about that debt. Quite often, the other person is wondering if you’re ever going to get around to paying you back. Thus, the best solution is to bring up the debt occasionally and let the other person know that you haven’t forgotten about it, but that your financial situation isn’t in order yet. Take this upon yourself - your relationship with that person deserves it.
If you’re feeling resentful (or feeling other emotions you don’t like) when you think about the debt, that’s a very clear sign that you need to repay it soon. If this happens, the money is introducing an element to the relationship that is damaging things. Don’t let that happen - take care of it as quickly as you can, and realize your emotions on the subject are actually much more complicated than they seem at first glance.
My rule of thumb is that lending money doesn’t mix well at all with personal relationships and should be avoided at all costs. If you’re in a situation where you have borrowed money, make a concerted effort to pay it back - or at least make it clear that you’re not just blowing off the debt. It’s the best thing you can do to ensure that your relationship survives the loan.
译文:
应优先考虑偿还私人债务吗？
沙伦来信说：
我照你的建议做了一个 债务偿还计划 ，但我发现了一个很大的问题。我向我妈借了无息的一千美元，因为是零利息的，这意味着这笔债会被我列在债务偿还计划的最后。但每次见到我妈，我都因为自己先还了别的债务，却没还她的而感到内疚。我应该跟我妈谈一下这个问题吗？我该怎么做？
我的看法是：除非你对借钱给你的这个朋友或亲人有非常清楚和深入的了解，否则你应先不管别的债务，也要最先把这笔私人债务给还了。
大多数时候，这在法律文件中并无多大意义。很经常地，向亲友借的钱都是零利息的，这意味着你只在还清其它债务后，才会考虑还这些私人债务。
但生活的很多微妙之处并不总能由法律文件反映出来。
向某个亲人借了钱，你借的可不仅仅是钱，你还借了在你们之间长期建立起来的信任和理解。你在把亲友变成借出方，把你自己变成借入方的同时，在你和该亲友的关系中加入了一种不稳定的可变因素，这种因素会随着时间的推移把你俩的关系拉紧，不管你是否觉察到。
这种关系非常宝贵。如果你跟某人之间有足够的信任，足以让他或她愿意很灵活地借钱给你，那你一定要好好珍惜你跟这人之间的关系，因为这种关系将在你以后的人生中以很多方式让你受益。
亲友们决定借钱给你，不是一种商业行为，而是在对你信任、在你们之间关系牢固的基础上决定的。因此，你应坚持在合理的时间内真诚地偿还这种私人债务。
然而，有时候事情并不那么容易。
如果你暂时还不了钱给亲友，要让他们知道。你向某人借了钱后，最糟糕的事情莫过于你给他一个你把这笔债忘了的印象。 很经常地，借钱给你的人都想知道你是否在设法还他钱。因此，最好的办法是时不时地跟他提起这笔债务，让他知道你并没有忘记，但因为你目前的经济状况还没恢复正常，所以暂时无法还钱。接受自己身处困境的现实，你和你亲友的关系值得你这么做。
如果你每一想起这笔债就感到愤恨 (或其它让你不高兴的感觉），那是你该尽快还钱的一个非常清楚的信号。如果这样的话，这份债务在你和该亲友的关系中带入了一种破坏因素。不要让这种事情发生，尽快处理掉这种不利的情绪因素，并要意识到，你对这份债务的情绪波动事实上远比它们乍看起来时要复杂得多。
我的经验是：私人间的钱款借还总会让私人关系出现一些磕磕碰碰，所以应不惜代价地避免。如果你正欠着某人的钱，尽全力把钱还了——或至少要让人家知道你并不打算逃债。如果想让你和亲友的关系在借贷关系中存活下来，这是你能做的最好的事情了。