Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week! 
I am wondering what your opinion is on young children attending funerals. My children's Grandmother is passing away and my ex-wife wants them to attend but I feel that they should not. They are 12 and 14 and have only seen them 1 to 2 times a year for the past 5 years. And they are already dealing with many life issues etc... Thanks a lot.
First, my sympathies to you and your family about your loss. It is hard to predict how a child responds to grief so keep a closer eye on your children during these times to continually assess they are coping. Bedtime is particularly difficult for kids who have just lost a loved one. Also identify any specific fears or worries your children may have so you can alleviate any misconceptions about death.
As for your children attending a funeral this is of course a personal choice, but most grief counselors actually encourage kids to attend a service because it provides closure, a way for the child to “let go” or say goodbye, celebrate the memory of the deceased, and be part of a community grieving process.
That said, you still have to consider the child’s age and maturity, length of the service, receptivity to attend, and whether it is to be an open or closed casket.
Whatever your decision, do know that many grief counselors say that children are more upset if they are not allowed to attend and regret not going to say their goodbyes. A lot depends on how close they are to the deceased.That’s something I’m not clear about from your note. Regardless of distance or not being in contact with their grandmother personally, they still might feel close. Have you considered just asking your kids what they would like to do or at least feel about the issue? They are old enough to have strong views and make a choice. Would that work?
If the kids are at all close to their grandmother you could also find ways to involve your kids in the grieving process. They could create a photo album or video presentation about the life of the deceased, write a note or make a floral bouquet. Helping children find a way to contribute often helps them feel release their grief in a proactive way. You might also encourage them to commemorate the loss in some concrete way (such as planting a tree or giving a favorite object). Research shows that such acts help the child feel more included in the grieving process as well as create positive memories.
My only red flag here is that you said your kids were going through other kinds of stress. So the counselor in me would ask: What kind of stress? How severe is the stress? Are they already seeing a counselor? Would an incident like this cause an emotional setback? In those cases use your“ Dad Instinct.” I don’t have enough of the facts there.
Click here to read more of Michele Borba's Q&As, or leave a comment below with your own questions and it may be answered next week.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of
Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essentail Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.
译文:
问与答：孩子与葬礼
米歇尔·博芭每周都在她的博客里解答关于教育孩子的问题。如果你在教育孩子方面有什么困难或问题，可以在此留言，你将在下一周得到答案
我想知道你的关于让小孩子参加葬礼看法。我孩子的外祖母刚刚过世，前妻想要他们参加，但又觉得不行。他们一个是12岁，另一个14岁。在过去的五年里，仅和外祖母见过一两次面。他们也已经学会处理许多生活问题了……谢谢！
首先，我为你和你家人的损失深表同情。预测一个孩子对悲事的反应非常地困难。因此，你要时刻关注你的孩子，不断地猜测他们是在掩饰感情而已。就寝时间对刚失去所爱的孩子来说特别地难熬。确认你的孩子可能会表现的特别的惊慌或担忧，以便减少关于死亡的一些错误观念。
至于你的孩子要参加葬礼，那当然是个人的选择了。但事实上，大多数悲伤心理专家鼓励孩子去参加礼拜，因为它给孩子们提供了一种事情的结束方式——让孩子们“释放情感”或与悲伤说再见，纪念逝者，成为悼念仪式上的一员。
话是那样说，你仍得考虑孩子的年龄与成熟期，葬礼的长短，参加的意愿及棺材是否打开。
不管你的决定如何，许多悲伤心理专家都会说，如果你不允许孩子参加，他们会变得更加悲伤，会觉得非常遗憾，因为其不能跟逝者做最后的道别。很多时候，这要取决于小孩与逝者有多亲近了。你的留言有些地方我不明白。除开相距远和没能单独地跟他们的外祖母接触，他们也许仍能感受到那份亲近。你是否曾经考虑过只问他们想要做什么或至少他们对此事的感想？他们已经大到有自己强烈的观点，然后对事情做出选择了。那起作用吗？
如果你的孩子与他们的外祖母非常的亲近，你也可以寻找使他们成为悼念仪式的一份子途径。他们可以制作关于逝者一生的相册或视频展示，写留言或制作花圈。帮助孩子寻找奉献的途径的同时，通常也会帮他们用积极的方式释放悲伤。你也可以鼓励他们以一些具体的方式纪念离世的人（如种树或赠送平生逝者最喜爱的物品）。调查表明，这些活动帮孩子感觉到自己更加融入悼念活动中，同时也让他们有好的回忆。
在这里我要提醒一下，你说你的小孩正在承受一种压力。作为咨询师的我想问一下：是哪方面的压力？很严重吗？他们已经做好去咨询心理专家的准备吗？类似的事故会引起他们情感上的挫折吗？在那些场合中，用上你“父亲的本能”，我这里没有足够的相关事例。
点击这里，你可以知道更多关于米歇尔·博芭的问答，或者留言，写下你的问题，你将会在下周得到答案。
米歇尔·博芭博士是《建立道德智能：教孩子做对事的七种基本美德》一书的作者。