“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” - Eric Fromm
The recent death of my Auntie Kerry put me in a state of mind that I think we all go through at different times in our lives: the feeling of utter isolation, of complete loneliness.
There are times when we feel that even if we are surrounded by other people in our lives, we are alone. We must go through this difficult journey called life by ourselves, no matter if we’re married or if we have children or close friends. And that’s a very lonesome prospect.
How do we overcome these feelings of loneliness and despair? While common, these feelings can be dangerous if we let them go too far — they can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, or just a slump in our lives.
The answer is in connecting with other human beings.
When we connect with other humans, we are no longer alone. We share our suffering, our experiences, our common trials. The misery we face is no longer insurmountable when we have someone to face it with us.
But making that leap from being alone to making a connection can be a difficult one. One reader who contacted me recently, for example, has a form of social anxiety that stops him from talking to people in social situations. That’s a tough obstacle to overcome, but it can be done.
While I’m not an expert in social anxiety or in relationships, I have overcome my share of social anxiety, overcome my share of depression, and found ways to forge human connections in my years as a son, brother, husband, father, co-worker, boss and friend.
Here are some tips for connecting with humanity when you’re feeling alone:
- Do some kind of activity with others. If you don’t immediately have someone to connect with — such as a spouse, kids, or other close family or friends — make an effort to get out of your house and to meet up with others. If you’re afraid of meeting strangers, it helps to find places where you’re comfortable — for example, in a college class, for some people, at a bar you’re familiar with, for others. But failing that, try some kind of group activity — a reading group, a running group, a support group, a volunteer group. The activity greases the social wheels.
- Ask for a hug. If you do have easy access to a loved one, don’t be afraid to ask for a hug — it’s one of the best medicines. That might sound corny, but it’s true. Human contact is something we all need, especially in times of need, and it is a very good way to connect with others.
- Visit family and friends. If you have loved ones you don’t see every day, get out of your house and go visit them. Just being in their presence, making the effort to connect with them, that’ll go a long way to making human connections. Talk with them, share, bond. When my Auntie Kerry died, my family here on Guam immediately got together, and just being in each other’s company in such a time not only brought us closer together, and gave us that release of emotions we needed, but made us feel better during our time of grief.
- Nix the TV and movies. Many times people spend time together watching TV and movies. While that’s OK some of the time, it isn’t the best way to connect with others. The problem with such passive entertainment is that it separates us, even if we’re close together. We end up not talking, but watching. Instead, play sports, play a board game, have coffee or tea, have a picnic — anything that you do together, where you can talk and connect, is a good thing.
- Find commonalities. If you don’t have easy access to loved ones, and need to make new friends and connect with new people, it’s best to start by trying to find common ground. What shared interests do you have? Have you lived in the same place, gone to the same school, worked in the same place? Do you have similar hobbies or passions? When you find that common ground, you can connect.
- Open up. Once you’ve found common ground, and gotten comfortable with a person, don’t be afraid to open up a little. Of course, you don’t pour out all of your innermost secrets the first time you meet someone — it has to be a gradual opening up. But if you never open up, you will never make a real, deep connection. It’ll just be something on the surface. It’s when people share something real, and personal, that these real connections are made.
- Practice, and get comfortable. Often we are shy or socially anxious when we are in uncomfortable situations. The remedy for this is to get comfortable, and the only way to do that is to keep doing it, keep practicing, until you’re better at it. The more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll get.
- Do it in small doses. If the above tip sounds like too much for you — you have a hard time even contemplating practicing social situations until you’re comfortable — then it’s best to do it in small doses. Start with somewhere you’re fairly comfortable, and just try talking to someone you know a little. Then try someone you don’t know, but in a comfortable situation. Do it one dose at a time, celebrate your success, and then give it another try on another day. You don’t have to make huge connections all at once.
- Groom yourself. This might sound obvious, but it’s amazing how big of a difference this can make. First, being well-groomed makes a good impression on others you don’t know well, and helps them to react more positively to you. But second, and more importantly, being well-groomed helps you to be more confident with yourself, and that makes all the difference in the world.
- Learn to be a good listener. A very important point, but it’s incredible how many people ignore this fundamental skill. I’ve talked to so many people who I can tell are really good people, but who I tire of talking to simply because they don’t seem to hear anything I say. I listen to them, but they don’t return the favor, and as a result, it’s a one-sided conversation. No one likes that kind of conversation (except the person doing all the talking). If you want to make a connection with another person, you have to begin by listening. Learn to ask questions to gt the other person talking about herself — that’s everyone’s favorite subject. And when they do start talking, learn to actually listen. Don’t just stare with a blank look, and think about what you want to talk about. Hear what they’re saying, respond with appropriate words and sounds and facial expressions, ask follow up questions. If you can learn to listen, you’ll go a long way in making connections with anyone.
- Help those in need. Aside from just meeting new people, another great way to connect with other human beings is to help them when they need help. Volunteering to help the homeless and the hungry, for example, is a great way to meet new people, to do something positive, to make a difference in the lives of others, and to connect with people in ways that just aren’t otherwise possible.
- Find ways to express your love. Whether you’re connecting with loved ones, with new people, or with those in need … the ultimate connection is always through love. And the way to make this kind of connection is by first expressing your love — without expecting it to be returned — in any way you can. How can you express your love? That’s up to you — you have to find ways that are appropriate to the situation, the relationship, and to you as a person — but some ideas: hugs, an affectionate smile, a nice letter, doing something considerate for the person, just spending time with them, telling them you love them, listing the reasons you love them … I’m sure you can think of many more. :)
On a related note: thank you to everyone on this blog who has comforted me during my time of grieving over my family, through your kind words, through sharing your stories of loss and suffering, through sharing my pain, through your prayers and wishes and thoughts and positive energy. You’ve shown me, in a thousand ways, that connections can be made over great distances, between relative strangers, in a way that really does make a lasting difference on your life. So thank you, thank you.
“Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.” - Michael Leunig
译文:
当你感到孤独的时候如何与人相处
"爱是人类为什么存在这一问题的唯一合理的正确的答案"-Eric Fromm
近来凯丽阿姨的去世让我的思想陷入一种与世隔绝、彻底地孤单的状态。我觉得每一个人在生命中的不同的时期都会有这样一种经历。
有时我们会觉得在生活中即使我们被其他人包围着，但我们是孤独的。无论我们是否结婚是否有子女或亲密的朋友，我们都得独自走过生命这一艰难旅程。前景是如此寂寞。
我们如何战胜这种孤单失望的感觉呢?一般来说，如果我们放任这种感觉存在，任其发展的话，这是非常危险的。这有可能会导致抑郁，甚至产生自杀的念头，或者只是让我们的人生陷入低谷。
答案就是与他人交流。
当我们与人交往时，我们不再感到孤独。我们与人分享我们的遭遇，我们的经历，我们都会面临的考验。当有人和我们共同面对时，不幸不再是不可超越的。
从独自一人到与人交往，要迈出这一步是一件困难的事。举例来说，最近与我联系的一位读者有社交焦虑症，在社交场合他无法与人交流。这是一个很难克服的障碍，但是不是不治的。
当然我不是一个社交焦虑症专家或人际关系学专家，但是在这么年来作为儿子、兄弟、丈夫、父亲、合作者、老板和朋友，我已经克服社交焦虑症，沮丧，学会了如何建立人际关系。
以下是当你觉得孤单时与人交往的几点建议：
参与一些活动：如果你一时间没有什么人可联系的话——例如配偶，孩子或其他亲近的家庭成员或者朋友——试着走出你的房子去认识一些人。如果你害怕面对陌生人，那么就去那些你觉得舒服和地方，比如到大学教室去，到你熟悉的酒吧去。如果这也不行的话，去参加一些集体活动——阅读小组、跑步小组、援助小组、志愿者小组。这些活动都是社交的润滑剂。
请求拥抱：如果你身旁有你深爱的人，那么别害怕要求一个拥抱——这是一剂良药。这也许听起来有点老土，但这是真的。身体接触是我们都需要的，特别是在需要的时候，而且这是一种与人交往的非常好的方法。
拜访家人和朋友：如果你和你爱的人不能每天碰面，那么走出你的家去拜访他们。仅仅与他们会面，努力与他们联系，对建立人际关系来说是远远不够的。谈心，分享，联系。当我的凯丽阿姨去世的时候，我在关岛的家人很快就聚集在一起，在这个时候即使只是相互陪伴，这不仅仅让我们之间更亲密，让我们的情感得到释放，而且还让我们在悲伤的时候感觉好一些。
拒绝电视和电影：很多时候，人们聚在一起看电影和电视以消磨时光。有时候这样也不错，但这不是与人交往的最好方式。这种消极的娱乐方式所带来的问题是，即使我们之间的距离很近，它会让我们在感情上分离。在这种情况下，我们之间没有对话，只有观看，相反，运动，下棋，喝茶或咖啡，野餐——任何一种大家能够一起参与的活动，都是有益的。因为在活动中大家可以讨论和交流。
寻找共同点：如果你与亲密的人联系有困难，需要结交新朋友，认识新的人，那么你最好从寻找共同点开始。你们有什么共同的爱好？是否住在同一个地方，上的是同一个学校，在同一个地方工作？你们是否有相同的业余爱好或喜好？当你找到了共同点，你就能与人交流了。
开放：一旦你和一个人找到了共同点，并且相处愉快，这时不要害怕，适当放开一点。当然，当你第一次和别人见面的时候，你不会全盘倒出你内心最深处的秘密——这应是一个渐进的过程。但是如果你从不坦露心怀，你就不会建立真正的、深厚的交往。只会是泛泛之交，当人们分享一些个人的、真实的事情的时候，才会有真正的交往。
不断练习：直到自己感觉愉快。当我们在不舒服的环境下，我们就会害羞，就会紧张。解决的办法就是让自己觉得舒服。而要做到这一点，唯一的方法法就是不断地去交往，去实践，直到你感到舒服。你交往得越多，就会越觉得舒服。
少而精：如果上面的建议对你来说是不太可能的——甚至没有时间来考虑不断适应社交环境直到觉得愉快——那么最好是做到少而精。从让你感到舒服的环境开始，跟你不太熟悉的人谈话。然后试着和你不认识的人交流，但也要在让你感到舒服和环境中进行。一次只和一个人交流，并祝贺自己成功，然后在另外一天再试着和其他的人交流。你不用一次和许多人交流。
精心修饰自己：这个听起来太明显了，但是这确实令人惊奇，它能带来很大的不同。首先,精心修饰的外表将给你不认识的人留下好印象，有助于他们对你做出积极的反应。第二，更重要的是，精心修饰的外表将让你变得更自信，而自信会带来世上所有的变化。
学着做一个好听众：这一点很重要，但是令信难以置信的是太多人忽视了这一基本技能。我曾经和这样一些人谈过话，我能肯定他们都是好人，但是和他们说话我感到厌倦，只是因为他们好象没有在听我讲什么。我听他们讲的，但他们没有同样的对待我，结果变成单面谈话。没有人喜欢这样的谈话（除非这一个人一直在讲）如果你想和别人交流的话，你应从聆听开始。学会问问题，让别人来谈论他自己——这是每个人都喜欢的话题。并且当他们开始说的时候，要学会认真听。不要只是面无表情地盯着对方，心里却在想我要说什么。听明白他们所说的，用恰当的词语、语调和表情来回应，然后再问一些问题。如果你学会了聆听，那么在与人交流上你前进了一大步。
帮助那些需要帮助的：除了认识新朋友，与人交流的另一个好方法就是去帮助那些需要帮助的人。例如：志愿帮助那些饥饿的和无家可归的人，就是一个认识新朋友，做一些积极的事情，改变他人的生活，以及以各种可能的方式与人交流的好方法。
寻找表达爱的途径：不论是在与新朋友，与你爱的人，或者与需要帮助的人交流。。。。交流的最根本途经就是爱。建立这种交流的方法就是用你所能够的各种方法(不计回报的)表达你的爱。如何表达你的爱呢？这完全取决于你——你应当找出最适合当时环境，适合你们之间的关系，并且适合你的方法——下面是一些建议：拥抱，充满感情的微笑，一封体贴的信，为这个人做一些事情，和他们共度时光，告诉他们你爱他们，列出你爱他们的理由。。。我敢肯定你能想出更多。
注释：谢谢这个博客上在我为我的家人悲伤的时候给我安慰的每一个人，你们用温柔的话语安慰我，与我分享你们所失去的和所遭受的，你们分担了我的痛苦，你们为我祈祷，为我祝福，你们给了我思想与力量。你们用各种方式向我展示了：陌生人之间无论有多远都可以联系起来，在某种程度上这的确是给我们的生活带来了永久的变化。因此谢谢大家，谢谢大家。
“彼此相爱，我们就会快乐，这既简单又复杂”——Michael Leunig